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Post by novembercomingfire on Oct 18, 2017 9:01:08 GMT -5
Absolutely not. She is the problem. Not me. Time to go.
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Post by Apocrypha on Oct 19, 2017 12:24:54 GMT -5
With sex being such a simple was of enjoying life in its most natural way it kills me to think that enjoyment will never reach its full potential, for the sake of one person, one marriage. Let me reframe the conversation. Does your concept of a married relationship include a romantic and sexual element? Compare that to other intimate relationships such as that that of say, an aunt, or daycare worker, or a roommate, business associate, or amicable ex-wife and co-parent. What's the lived difference and intention between a married relationship and all of those others? Do you think your partner in this relationship also believes that marriage is different from other intimate relationships? If your present deal was written in your vows, would either of you have embarked? Your partner is basically in the same situation as you - posing in a relationship in which the sexual element is not fulfilled. So often, people start with the premise that they are living as a married couple, and s o they frame it as a choice between having an invested romantic relationship vs being married. Reframing around base principles though, its easier to accept the premise that we are already NOT living as a married couple, regardless of technical legal status. It's a relationship of practical convenience that provides peripheral benefits ASSOCIATED with marriage, which are costly to give up, but in which the romantic sexual attraction is mutually unsatisfying for different reasons for each partner. So people say they want to "save a marriage" or "choose between a marriage and sex", but the marriage at that point - from most practical respects is already lost. It's choosing between the presentation of a marriage and not presenting that way. It's a choice between a lie and truth. Your partner's lack of desire for you MEANS something to you, and it should. Something happened somewhere on the journey where it became important NOT to have sex with you. Remove your own desire to have sex through some form of chemical castration, and that underlying cause of sexual revulsion still exists, and still has meaning within your relationship. It changes nothing and doesn't remove the threat to changing the way that relationship is presented. It doesn't change the fact that you still both have an idea of what a marriage is, and that you both choose to ignore that and instead focus on holding onto the benefits of such a relationship irrespective of the truth that you aren't living it.
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Post by mescaline on Oct 20, 2017 10:47:09 GMT -5
Hell yes, if I could take a pill and be rid of it I would!
I appreciate the philosophical side of it would still remain, but to get rid of the grief of wanting something I can't have at this moment would make life a lot easier.
Shame nothing works in that respect that I've tried anyway.
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Post by h on Oct 20, 2017 11:19:42 GMT -5
Hell yes, if I could take a pill and be rid of it I would! I appreciate the philosophical side of it would still remain, but to get rid of the grief of wanting something I can't have at this moment would make life a lot easier. Shame nothing works in that respect that I've tried anyway. Yeah, I tried chaste tree berry and it worked for a while but I think I built up a tolerance for it and my drive came back after a few months. While it was working, I loved it. I didn't even get morning wood and I could actually focus on other things through the day without being distracted by the nagging feeling of unmet needs. Too bad it didn't last though.
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Post by brian on Oct 20, 2017 18:14:14 GMT -5
Hell yes, if I could take a pill and be rid of it I would! I appreciate the philosophical side of it would still remain, but to get rid of the grief of wanting something I can't have at this moment would make life a lot easier. Shame nothing works in that respect that I've tried anyway. Yeah, I tried chaste tree berry and it worked for a while but I think I built up a tolerance for it and my drive came back after a few months. While it was working, I loved it. I didn't even get morning wood and I could actually focus on other things through the day without being distracted by the nagging feeling of unmet needs. Too bad it didn't last though. Lots of self gratification... once or twice in the morning, once or twice before bed. That's how I dealt with that for 2 decades. Oh... and when I could hide it under a jacket, in the car on the ride home from work... or to work. Yeah... it was bad.
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Post by h on Oct 20, 2017 19:16:31 GMT -5
Yeah, I tried chaste tree berry and it worked for a while but I think I built up a tolerance for it and my drive came back after a few months. While it was working, I loved it. I didn't even get morning wood and I could actually focus on other things through the day without being distracted by the nagging feeling of unmet needs. Too bad it didn't last though. Lots of self gratification... once or twice in the morning, once or twice before bed. That's how I dealt with that for 2 decades. Oh... and when I could hide it under a jacket, in the car on the ride home from work... or to work. Yeah... it was bad. Yeah, I can get by with once morning and night. Even that is slowing down though. My body doesn't need it twice a day anymore. Some days not at all. The urgent physical need of youth has passed me by uneventfully. Now I sometimes just do it out of boredom and to prevent unexpected arousal due to unforeseen visual stimulus.
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Post by baza on Oct 20, 2017 21:27:03 GMT -5
Back in the day, when my deal was staggering along to its' inevitable conclusion, there was a "built in" libido suppressant in play. That being my missus behaviour / attitude / actions.
I found them to be quite the turn off. It was almost like she was deliberately running an agenda of doing things to knock my desire level down to zero. "If" that was her aim (and I have no idea whether it was or not) then it was very successful.
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Post by choosinghappy on Oct 22, 2017 11:18:34 GMT -5
There was a time that maybe I would have considered lowering my libido just because the pain of constant rejection was too much.
But now that I’ve re-claimed my sexuality and have allowed that part of myself to come back I’ve realized I wasn’t living my true self during that time. My sexuality is a great part of me and I missed it and I would not want to see it disappear again. I am sad that I can’t experience this side of myself with my H as what I’d WANT is a robust sex life with him, but I’m accepting that that will not happen and am no longer allowing his non-existent sexuality to dictate my sexuality. I will not go back to that place.
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Post by deadzone75 on Oct 22, 2017 22:07:50 GMT -5
Not me. My sex drive, although only being tended to by myself, daily, is the only thing keeping me from diving off a bridge smiling. Reducing my sex drive would leave me with less pleasure, little as masturbation may provide, and really just leave me with bills and a job I hate. No kids, though, so what else is there?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2017 13:40:31 GMT -5
There have been times during my 28 year marriage that seemed like the thing to do and I researched it. However, I never acted on it but I just hated feeling like the needy one. I still would like a sex life and she still doesn't but I no longer feel needy about it.
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peiguy
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Age Range: 51-55
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Post by peiguy on Nov 2, 2017 11:43:27 GMT -5
If there was something I could take to reduce but not eliminate my sex drive, and it didn't have any side effects, I'd happily take it.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 2, 2017 20:20:32 GMT -5
It is not just libido for me. I miss the closeness, touching, snuggling, and the feeling of us.
I will continue to believe that this forum should be called "iliasm" I live in a shitty marriage Sex is a symptom
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peiguy
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Age Range: 51-55
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Post by peiguy on Nov 3, 2017 11:57:31 GMT -5
In my case, by me no longer requesting sex, my wife has become closer. When I would ask and she would say no, we were on edge. Now that I am in sexless marriage acceptance mode, we kiss, snuggle and are close. I love that. The marriage overall has improved a lot. I have changed my expectations and since sex is no longer expected she feels she can allow herself to get close. If my libido crashed, I'd call it a perfect marriage. But, with my libido high, its tough. But, I'd rather have zero sex and be "close" than sex 4 to 6 times a year and be distant. I can survive without sex, I have to have some level of intimacy.
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Post by h on Nov 3, 2017 12:54:48 GMT -5
In my case, by me no longer requesting sex, my wife has become closer. When I would ask and she would say no, we were on edge. Now that I am in sexless marriage acceptance mode, we kiss, snuggle and are close. I love that. The marriage overall has improved a lot. I have changed my expectations and since sex is no longer expected she feels she can allow herself to get close. If my libido crashed, I'd call it a perfect marriage. But, with my libido high, its tough. But, I'd rather have zero sex and be "close" than sex 4 to 6 times a year and be distant. I can survive without sex, I have to have some level of intimacy. As long as you are happy with your decision, who are we to judge? I hope you can make the best of it.
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peiguy
Junior Member
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Age Range: 51-55
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Post by peiguy on Nov 3, 2017 12:58:57 GMT -5
Its a case of making the best out of things. And, its a two-way street. Tis the season for sinus colds - and the medication, well the headaches are gone but now I couldn't fulfill my "husbandly-duty" anyway.
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