Post by lifeinwoodinville on Sept 29, 2017 1:18:14 GMT -5
I saw my psychologist on Friday. During our session she said that she believed that my wife is a narcissist. I wasn't sure about this so I questioned her judgement on my wife. She pointed out that there is more than one kind of narcissist, in this case she believes that my wife is a "covert narcissist", also known as an "introvert narcissist". I was still a bit skeptical about this. My psychologist always prefaces these kinds of statements with "I've never examined your wife but based on what you have told me..." So when I got home I did some reading up on covert narcissism and I think she is right. I hear the voice of baza in my head saying (or rather my voice vocalizing baza's words) "Brother LIW, this changes nothing, you are still in your ILIASM shithole. Your options are still the same: stay, leave, or cheat." And of course, he is right, those are always the options. In my mind I just feel like I want to better understand how and why I ended up in this place. I also have issues with confrontation, so if I know what I am dealing with then I can prepare myself for those confrontations. Anyhow, I found this article about covert narcissists and thought I would share.
I think that in my case, I got a heap more clarity about what my ex missus motivations / thinking / issues were with the benefit of hindsight. That is to say, I grew to understand her a whole lot better once I was "out" than I ever did whilst I was "in".
Like you Brother lifeinwoodinville , I was no fan of confrontation (I'm still not) and I found my counsellors input in helping me address this matter to be very valuable. It helped enormously in the "getting out" part of the deal, and I got out. A by-product of that "getting out" was that I gained a much better understanding of my ex missus... because then, at distance, I could be objective about her behaviours (I could not be very objective whilst I was still in it)
I do however see your point in "knowing your enemy" so you can "prepare yourself for the confrontations" as you put it. And I see a great deal of value in "knowing yourself" so you can manage that issue of fearing confrontation.
Enjoyed that article you linked. Not all narcissists are overbearing loud aggressive types. Many - mebbe even most - can do it by stealth in a very subtle manner.
Post by greatcoastal on Sept 29, 2017 14:21:17 GMT -5
A very good article. Also a very good description of my STBX. What bothers me, is this idea of "how to successfully handle narcissists". My research -about two years of daily reading, and personal therapy- tells me over and over again, that you can not change the other person. That you need to deal with the devastating -yet curable- affects of being mentally abused. Sometimes physical abuse as well. Heal thyself first. The way to do this is to remove them from your life as much as possible. Run the other way. Zero contact. Remove the toxicity, Comprende?
One of our guest speakers , at my divorce recovery classes - an author and licensed therapist- was asked "Can you change a narcissist?". His answer, "no....at best you might be able to change, mmmm, maybe....30% of their behavior, maybe. That leaves 70%. There's no guarantee to the longevity of that 30%."
Yeah - you can't change them, but at times you can win. I was working for a company for 12 years, the last 2 with a boss that was the most evil narcissist I've ever encountered - on par with my step dad. Even looked like him. Talk about triggers.
Long story short, I got him terminated (I had and still have a great relationship with the business owner). He was put to the curb the day before I left - much to the joy of all the others he was "supervising."
So far as healing from this mess, it is still a work in progress. If you don't have time for therapy (or even if you do) I would highly recommend a book:
It Wasn't Your Fault: (Freeing Yourself From the Shame of Childhood Abuse with the Power of Self-Compassion) by Beverly Engel. It's geared to adult sufferers of childhood trauma, but the principals are the same.
Refrained from useless lashing out since Oct 1, 2017