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Post by unmatched on Aug 16, 2017 22:45:32 GMT -5
If a person vented on any of the first couple of dates, i wouldn't go out with them again. Those first dates are get to know each other opportunities to put one's best foot forward. A person who used that opportunity for a vent fest would seem too unhappy or to have too much baggage for me to spend time with. I'd assume I was seeing him at his best, and his best was being a constant complainer. If one needs to vent, talk to a counselor or good friend or vent here, not to someone you are wooing. Okay....then help me with this. Right now, for me, the flames of divorce are very high. I have HOPE for the time when there's just some smoldering embers. I will consider those embers as baggage that will always be there. That brings to mind several examples. There's the two people who are still in the flames of divorce (or a few days out of one) but get much comfort mentally, physically by sharing all their problems with each other. They find someone who really gets it, and it becomes an even time of giving and receiving. Venting happens 100% along with times of happiness and healing. A moment to forget the past and present. A hope for the future. Then theirs the person who has been divorced for a year or so. They hardly talk about it, feel that it needs to remain hidden. They find themselves wearing a false mask, because no one is going to want to go on a date with them if they show even the least bit of honest self doubt. What do you think is going to happen to that person? Do you think hiding behind all that false hood of self confidence is going to work out for very long? It sounds to me like they are heading down another path of self destruction. I see a person venting on me as an opportunity. That person is putting trust in me and is offering trust back by being vulnerable. compared to the person who will never admit that their was ever anything wrong. There is a great reluctance in our society to reach out, to touch others, to show affection, probably for a variety of reasons, such as fear of rejection, worry about invading anothers personal space. and an over emphasis on sex. Many people are not aware of the difference between affectionate touching and sexual touching, so they avoid touching and hugging all together. Other societies never had or have overcome this hang up and are more comfortable with affectionate touch. A warm and meaningful hug from a friend reinforces far more than spoken words can. A hug helps heal emotional wounds and can help improve self concept rapidly. It frees us, warms us inside, heightens are feelings of self worth, "I'm worthwhile enough to be hugged!" may be one of the nicest messages we can hear. Some people just need to be told, " it's okay, you can do that again, you won't be rejected". If you can overcome any fear you have of touching and even asking for a hug when you need one, you will make a big step toward improving your regard for yourself - and will enjoy the process as well. Some of the most significant growth people can experience after divorce is accomplished while communicating with close friends. Ask for and give honest feedback about each other.Say things that you never said to anyone before. Call it as you see it. Such a dialogue provides a mirror for you to see yourself as others see you. As is said on here many times, "be your true self, warts and all. If that person doesn't like you, then that's their problem." See so this also makes me highly skeptical when or if I meet Mr. or Ms. Highly confident, always has their act together, who will never admit that they could possibly have a flaw or any kind of past problems. GC, I guess the question is then what are you looking for. Are you looking to find someone who will give you support and help to carry you through this process? Are you looking to support someone else through their process? Both of those things could be great in the right context. But they could also lead to the worst kind of enmeshed clingy relationship where neither of you takes responsibility and you suck the life out of each other. I guess ultimately you want to be able to go into a relationship standing on your own two feet emotionally and wanting to share the experience of life (both the joys and the pain) with somebody else. But it is a process, and where you are and what you need today is likely to be very different to how you will feel in 12 months' time. So I agree with relax and "be your true self, warts and all". But you have to also be willing to keep growing and to move on when something is no longer right for you. Because I imagine the chance of any of us jumping straight into a really healthy relationship straight off the mark is pretty slim.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2017 17:41:27 GMT -5
Caris, you're a very high value target. I hate to hear you talk like this. You're fit as a fiddle. Sharp as a whip. You're kind. You're deep. You're interesting. The fact that you're way smarter than 97.6% of the men you're likely to encounter is your problem. It puts you in a special, albeit very frustrating, market segment. I know women like you. A few. Very few. But that's what makes you so neat. Your capacity for joy is also greater. Please follow your advice and wait for the right guy. He'll be great when you find him. This makes me want to be like Caris.
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Post by TMD on Aug 19, 2017 18:56:21 GMT -5
You are, @smartkat
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Post by TMD on Aug 19, 2017 19:08:05 GMT -5
GC, I guess the question is then what are you looking for. Are you looking to find someone who will give you support and help to carry you through this process? Are you looking to support someone else through their process? Both of those things could be great in the right context. But they could also lead to the worst kind of enmeshed clingy relationship where neither of you takes responsibility and you suck the life out of each other. I guess ultimately you want to be able to go into a relationship standing on your own two feet emotionally and wanting to share the experience of life (both the joys and the pain) with somebody else. But it is a process, and where you are and what you need today is likely to be very different to how you will feel in 12 months' time. So I agree with relax and "be your true self, warts and all". But you have to also be willing to keep growing and to move on when something is no longer right for you. Because I imagine the chance of any of us jumping straight into a really healthy relationship straight off the mark is pretty slim.[/quote] ********* (editing out a whole bunch of text on a phone is hard! Above is unmatched, below is me********* Venting. I know this one well; in relation to the job I left at the end of June. Sincerely, I have never worked for an employer like that. It was traumatizing. So much so, that I *had* to talk about it with all of my friends. To the point that they staged an intervention of sorts at a local pub. I thought it was a get together for one of the girlfriend's birthday. We talked. They shared their perspective. But nothing changed the shaking that would occur every time I saw a text from a former colleague (just checking in) or even the few coffee meet ups I had. Seriously, I would shake for about an hour. I understand why. Sometimes we are powerless or voiceless. There are people or spouses or employers who will refuse to hear us and believe in our sincerity. And for some reason, that's my Achilles heel. I don't know how to heal from what happened, except to try and move forward, keeping my integrity intact. That, and a confidence booster: being the one successful candidate out of 400 applicants. That helped immensely. ((Maybe you just have to dive in, greatcoastal, and get your confidence back bit by bit.)) And ultimately, in agreement with unmatched, growth is the greatest gain.
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Post by Caris on Aug 19, 2017 19:39:01 GMT -5
Caris, you're a very high value target. I hate to hear you talk like this. You're fit as a fiddle. Sharp as a whip. You're kind. You're deep. You're interesting. The fact that you're way smarter than 97.6% of the men you're likely to encounter is your problem. It puts you in a special, albeit very frustrating, market segment. I know women like you. A few. Very few. But that's what makes you so neat. Your capacity for joy is also greater. Please follow your advice and wait for the right guy. He'll be great when you find him. This makes me want to be like Caris. Kat, if you mean be like me for taking "no more crumbs," then great! If you mean it in another way, then no. You have confidence in yourself as a woman. You go on dates. You get out there, and do your thing, so I wish I was more like you in that way.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2017 20:02:41 GMT -5
Caris , you're a very high value target. I hate to hear you talk like this. You're fit as a fiddle. Sharp as a whip. You're kind. You're deep. You're interesting. The fact that you're way smarter than 97.6% of the men you're likely to encounter is your problem. It puts you in a special, albeit very frustrating, market segment. I know women like you. A few. Very few. But that's what makes you so neat. Your capacity for joy is also greater. Please follow your advice and wait for the right guy. He'll be great when you find him. This makes me want to be like Caris . Well @smartkat, today is your lucky day. I'd put you in that same category. The female population of this site is way over representative of the Caris type. It seems most of them settled for defective or just dull men. Certainly a bunch of emotionally damaged men with no desire to explore a new world of kindness, cooperation, and copulation. If someone could force them, I'm sure most of them would be eternally grateful. You're one of of the ones with big ideas and probably a mind nimble enough to learn and grow with the right man. I'm sure your kind and conciliatory with the right crowd. Not for every man, but perfect for the RIGHT one. I don't know about your fitness level, but that's the easiest part. And that may not be for everyone. Although, I've never known a well adjusted adults that held someone's fitness against them. BTW: I only know of Caris fitness because a couple years ago she described a CrossFit routine where she was doing Box Jumps or something. There's a minimum fitness level for that, and it's pretty fit!
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2017 22:05:08 GMT -5
Fitness. Well, in the middle of July I had the worst backache of my life. The only thing that helped was getting up and walking around. Ever since then, I've been making it a point to get some exercise every day.
I feel that I look pretty good for my age. I see people all over town who seem to be younger than me, who look worse than I do (including the fitness part of it.) So, I feel that I get proof every time I walk out the door that finding a good relationship is not all about looks!
And, my type of man is more of a personality type than a looks type, anyway. A man could look like George Clooney, but if he was not smart, or if he was unkind, mean, etc., I would not consider him a good match. I've dated enough dumb guys and douchebags. Being single is better!
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Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2017 8:35:09 GMT -5
Fitness. Well, in the middle of July I had the worst backache of my life. The only thing that helped was getting up and walking around. Ever since then, I've been making it a point to get some exercise every day. I feel that I look pretty good for my age. I see people all over town who seem to be younger than me, who look worse than I do (including the fitness part of it.) So, I feel that I get proof every time I walk out the door that finding a good relationship is not all about looks! And, my type of man is more of a personality type than a looks type, anyway. A man could look like George Clooney, but if he was not smart, or if he was unkind, mean, etc., I would not consider him a good match. I've dated enough dumb guys and douchebags. Being single is better! The back thing is exactly the reason for the fitness. Maybe it's all related, but I'd like to bring the best possible me to the next dance. And, yes, I'd like to try to dance again! And if I dance again, I'd like the dance to be active, lively, and last a long time. And, I'd prefer to be present with it cognitively. So, the physical and mental health aspect is important. All good motivation to keep moving and stay fit.
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Post by Caris on Aug 20, 2017 15:58:11 GMT -5
This makes me want to be like Caris . Well @smartkat, today is your lucky day. I'd put you in that same category. The female population of this site is way over representative of the Caris type. It seems most of them settled for defective or just dull men. Certainly a bunch of emotionally damaged men with no desire to explore a new world of kindness, cooperation, and copulation. If someone could force them, I'm sure most of them would be eternally grateful. You're one of of the ones with big ideas and probably a mind nimble enough to learn and grow with the right man. I'm sure your kind and conciliatory with the right crowd. Not for every man, but perfect for the RIGHT one. I don't know about your fitness level, but that's the easiest part. And that may not be for everyone. Although, I've never known a well adjusted adults that held someone's fitness against them. BTW: I only know of Caris fitness because a couple years ago she described a CrossFit routine where she was doing Box Jumps or something. There's a minimum fitness level for that, and it's pretty fit! I still work out, but not like I did because of a neck/shoulder/upper back injury, last year. I actually think it's coming from a cervical disk and trapped nerve. I'm still fitter and stronger than I was in my 30s, but I'm limited by the injury and as time goes by, age related conditions.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2017 16:43:12 GMT -5
Well @smartkat , today is your lucky day. I'd put you in that same category. The female population of this site is way over representative of the Caris type. It seems most of them settled for defective or just dull men. Certainly a bunch of emotionally damaged men with no desire to explore a new world of kindness, cooperation, and copulation. If someone could force them, I'm sure most of them would be eternally grateful. You're one of of the ones with big ideas and probably a mind nimble enough to learn and grow with the right man. I'm sure your kind and conciliatory with the right crowd. Not for every man, but perfect for the RIGHT one. I don't know about your fitness level, but that's the easiest part. And that may not be for everyone. Although, I've never known a well adjusted adults that held someone's fitness against them. BTW: I only know of Caris fitness because a couple years ago she described a CrossFit routine where she was doing Box Jumps or something. There's a minimum fitness level for that, and it's pretty fit! I still work out, but not like I did because of a neck/shoulder/upper back injury, last year. I actually think it's coming from a cervical disk and trapped nerve. I'm still fitter and stronger than I was in my 30s, but I'm limited by the injury and as time goes by, age related conditions. Caris, you have to get that nerve thing figured out and fixed. I know you know this. But at our ages, these nagging things lead to reduced muscle use and atrophy. I consider myself pretty fit. And I work at it. But between bad joints and who knows what, I'm thinking some stuff may be behind me now. A few years ago, I told pinkjeanie70 that I was working on a weird goal of doing 20 pull-ups (exercise, not diapers). I was working on that goal along with a bunch of other ones that probably conflicted with it. At 19 in the USMC, I once did 36 and stopped because I won the field meet. I thought 20 at 50 years old would be a doable goal. Well, I tried to get more serious about it over the past year (OCD), and I'm at the point where I've almost proven to myself that I simply cannot contract my back and arms 20 times like that any more. That, and I have a nearly constant tendinitis in my elbows. I did 13 this past winter once, but then the elbows started hurting and I had to back off the training. I'm thinking maybe -- just to get this monkey off my back -- I'll have to cut a few pounds, get too skinny/light, and work on nothing but pull ups until I get it done. Then forget it.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2017 16:46:36 GMT -5
Well @smartkat , today is your lucky day. I'd put you in that same category. The female population of this site is way over representative of the Caris type. It seems most of them settled for defective or just dull men. Certainly a bunch of emotionally damaged men with no desire to explore a new world of kindness, cooperation, and copulation. If someone could force them, I'm sure most of them would be eternally grateful. You're one of of the ones with big ideas and probably a mind nimble enough to learn and grow with the right man. I'm sure your kind and conciliatory with the right crowd. Not for every man, but perfect for the RIGHT one. I don't know about your fitness level, but that's the easiest part. And that may not be for everyone. Although, I've never known a well adjusted adults that held someone's fitness against them. BTW: I only know of Caris fitness because a couple years ago she described a CrossFit routine where she was doing Box Jumps or something. There's a minimum fitness level for that, and it's pretty fit! I still work out, but not like I did because of a neck/shoulder/upper back injury, last year. I actually think it's coming from a cervical disk and trapped nerve. I'm still fitter and stronger than I was in my 30s, but I'm limited by the injury and as time goes by, age related conditions. And, when I say that many of the exceedingly sharp women on this site may have "settled for defective or just dull men", Caris this does not apply to you. Your husband was a psychopath. I've heard of a few others here, but yours may be the worst.
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Post by Caris on Aug 21, 2017 11:42:36 GMT -5
I still work out, but not like I did because of a neck/shoulder/upper back injury, last year. I actually think it's coming from a cervical disk and trapped nerve. I'm still fitter and stronger than I was in my 30s, but I'm limited by the injury and as time goes by, age related conditions. Caris, you have to get that nerve thing figured out and fixed. I know you know this. But at our ages, these nagging things lead to reduced muscle use and atrophy. I consider myself pretty fit. And I work at it. But between bad joints and who knows what, I'm thinking some stuff may be behind me now. A few years ago, I told pinkjeanie70 that I was working on a weird goal of doing 20 pull-ups (exercise, not diapers). I was working on that goal along with a bunch of other ones that probably conflicted with it. At 19 in the USMC, I once did 36 and stopped because I won the field meet. I thought 20 at 50 years old would be a doable goal. Well, I tried to get more serious about it over the past year (OCD), and I'm at the point where I've almost proven to myself that I simply cannot contract my back and arms 20 times like that any more. That, and I have a nearly constant tendinitis in my elbows. I did 13 this past winter once, but then the elbows started hurting and I had to back off the training. I'm thinking maybe -- just to get this monkey off my back -- I'll have to cut a few pounds, get too skinny/light, and work on nothing but pull ups until I get it done. Then forget it. Just take it slow and steady, but right now you mostly need your energy to deal with all the upheaval in your life. Your stress hormones are surging, and working out just adds more stress to the nervous system, so maybe do something lighter until you get your life on a more even keel.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2017 15:18:52 GMT -5
Caris , you have to get that nerve thing figured out and fixed. I know you know this. But at our ages, these nagging things lead to reduced muscle use and atrophy. I consider myself pretty fit. And I work at it. But between bad joints and who knows what, I'm thinking some stuff may be behind me now. A few years ago, I told pinkjeanie70 that I was working on a weird goal of doing 20 pull-ups (exercise, not diapers). I was working on that goal along with a bunch of other ones that probably conflicted with it. At 19 in the USMC, I once did 36 and stopped because I won the field meet. I thought 20 at 50 years old would be a doable goal. Well, I tried to get more serious about it over the past year (OCD), and I'm at the point where I've almost proven to myself that I simply cannot contract my back and arms 20 times like that any more. That, and I have a nearly constant tendinitis in my elbows. I did 13 this past winter once, but then the elbows started hurting and I had to back off the training. I'm thinking maybe -- just to get this monkey off my back -- I'll have to cut a few pounds, get too skinny/light, and work on nothing but pull ups until I get it done. Then forget it. Just take it slow and steady, but right now you mostly need your energy to deal with all the upheaval in your life. Your stress hormones are surging, and working out just adds more stress to the nervous system, so maybe do something lighter until you get your life on a more even keel. Funny, my therapist says the intense exercise works off excess energy and frustration. Releases hormones.... bla, bla. It does seem the exercise calms me some. I have to learn to just be "Still". That's a skill I don't yet have.
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Post by Caris on Aug 22, 2017 14:02:29 GMT -5
Just take it slow and steady, but right now you mostly need your energy to deal with all the upheaval in your life. Your stress hormones are surging, and working out just adds more stress to the nervous system, so maybe do something lighter until you get your life on a more even keel. Funny, my therapist says the intense exercise works off excess energy and frustration. Releases hormones.... bla, bla. It does seem the exercise calms me some. I have to learn to just be "Still". That's a skill I don't yet have. If intense exercise helps, then good. Everyone is different. When I'm highly stressed (and sleep deprived) intense workouts make me feel worse over the long run, but you do what works for you.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 30, 2017 14:15:52 GMT -5
If it helps, I find a megadose of B vitamins helps me sleep better and keeps me alert when I am awake. Hopefully, a good night's rest will relieve some of that stress.
I'm also a gym rat, though, so...
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