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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2017 13:13:22 GMT -5
Good for you @tooyoungtobeold ! It's great, even essential, for us all to own our own stuff and be our best selves. It's from that position of strength that (I think) we are empowered to make our best decisions. I respect your answers to GreatCoastal's questions. I definitely wouldn't fault you for staying. (Nor would I fault you for leaving though.) But absolutely, take care of yourself and then see what's next. If nothing else changes, at least you'll have a fun body for the journey! I can tell you this: I've gained and lost weight, had many different hairstyles and colors, worn more or less makeup, all different styles of clothing, and none of it made any difference to my H. He still had/has no interest in sex. So maybe don't expect W to suddenly become sexual. But who cares? Because you're going to feel amazing! And this is a good reminder for me too. It's been a crazy summer and I need to get back to the gym on a regular basis. I love feeling strong. "It's from that position of strength that (I think) we are empowered to make our best decisions." - Exactly! Well written. Lucky for me, i'm not expecting anything I do (ever) to be connected to my married sex life.
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Post by Apocrypha on Aug 11, 2017 15:10:28 GMT -5
The better you look and feel, the more doors are open to you.
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Post by flyingsolo on Aug 11, 2017 15:40:00 GMT -5
I had a girlfriend one time for a few years that I cared a lot about. She was my first. Turns out she had body issues and wasn't happy with the way she looked and emotional issues with her parents having just gone through a divorce before I came into the picture. I tried like hell to help her overcome those and reassure her that I thought she was beautiful to no avail. It impacted our relationship more than I knew at the time. In the end we broke up because she just wasn't in a place where a relationship with someone else was healthy for her. I told her you need to be happy with yourself before you can ever be happy with someone else and I still believe that to this day. Ironically, she went on to get married and stayed married for about 20 years and had two kids, but I just discovered recently that she is now divorced. Perhaps her issues were never resolved.
If you are unhappy with your look tooyoungtobeold, you are the one in control of that. It takes work, but I still believe you need to be happy and confident with yourself before all others. Even if your marriage doesn't work out, the next lady in your life will appreciate your confidence and outlook. Good luck brother!
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Post by solodriver on May 28, 2018 20:18:15 GMT -5
At lot of this post spoke to me. But I just want it on record, coming from a woman (a young one at that), that the extra 50lbs does not matter to everyone. My H was about 270 when we met and I was attracted to him. He's lost 50 lbs over the last couple years and I'm still attracted to him. Don't let extra weight keep you from being who you are or making the best decisions for you. Thank you for this post. I'm about 20 pds overweight and it's nice to know that some woman don't see weight as a issue. I have other good qualities that I hope are attractive
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Post by northstarmom on May 28, 2018 21:26:16 GMT -5
On a FB group for women that I’m in someone posted a picture of a buff shirtless ripped guy and they also posted a picture of a smiling overweight guy in a suit. The poster asked which one the women would prefer. At least 3/4 of the women picked the overweight guy and cited reasons such as:
He looks cuddly I like dad bods I want a guy who’s not narcissistic I want a guy who spends his free time with me not living at the gym.
And my fave reason that a woman gave. “I like thickums with dickums.”
I didn’t make that statement but could have. My post sm guy is probably 50 lbs overweight and he is the love of my lawyer fr and best lover I’ve ever had.
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Post by elynne on May 29, 2018 11:27:35 GMT -5
An important aspect often overlooked is how to keep the brain healthy so as to allow us to continue to engage in productive, fulfilling pursuits such as art and science. One brilliant neuroscientist, Dr. Wendy Suzuki, has shifted gears in her career from mechanisms of memory to explore just that. And no, the answer to a healthy brain is not playing games like "luminosity" or taking "brain boosting" vitamins (aside from those understood to prevent brain damage due to malnutrition.) The answer is simply physical exercise. Many of us find ourselves locked into a very sedentary lifestyle which can usher in physical/chemical changes in the brain that can lead to attention deficits, undesirable mood issues, and significant problems with recall—no to mention, leaving us more susceptible to the effects of neurodegenerative disease. Exercise is a powerful way to turn the tide. I can tell you that general exercise was heavily emphasized in a number of the neuroscience classes I took whenever brain health was front and center. So if you are like me in that a good deal of your day is spent sitting/standing at a desk or easel---give Dr. Suzuki a few minutes of your time. Heeding her message can have an amazing impact on your life. www.ted.com/talks/wendy_suzuki_the_brain_changing_benefits_of_exercise/up-next
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2018 11:37:01 GMT -5
Now if only I could find a diet that step 1 isn't "never drink beer". I'm from Oregon for God's sake, I need hoppy beer in my life!
Since this posting my health has gotten much better and I feel good. I dropped 25 pounds which has been a nice start. I'm not really doing this for appearance sake but for long-term health reasons. I don't have any plans to leave and thought I was on top of the resentment piece but that's crept back in lately. At any age, there's always plenty to work on.
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Post by tirefire on May 30, 2018 21:40:05 GMT -5
Now if only I could find a diet that step 1 isn't "never drink beer". I'm from Oregon for God's sake, I need hoppy beer in my life! Since this posting my health has gotten much better and I feel good. I dropped 25 pounds which has been a nice start. I'm not really doing this for appearance sake but for long-term health reasons. I don't have any plans to leave and thought I was on top of the resentment piece but that's crept back in lately. At any age, there's always plenty to work on. Hey there. I'm about your age, separating and I'm so fucking excited with life because I do have passion again. I have a connection with an amazing woman that I think about every few minutes it seems. Go for the passion. Seriously. Damn, now I just want to go see her again. Do it. TF
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Post by Deleted on May 31, 2018 12:15:03 GMT -5
Hey there. I'm about your age, separating and I'm so fucking excited with life because I do have passion again. I have a connection with an amazing woman that I think about every few minutes it seems. Go for the passion. Seriously. Damn, now I just want to go see her again. Do it. TF I know exactly how you feel.
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Post by Deleted on May 31, 2018 17:02:29 GMT -5
Hey there. I'm about your age, separating and I'm so fucking excited with life because I do have passion again. I have a connection with an amazing woman that I think about every few minutes it seems. Go for the passion. Seriously. Damn, now I just want to go see her again. Do it. TF I know exactly how you feel. Well that's the crux of the leave or don't leave decision isn't it? I'm not in a dysfunctional relationship and life is pretty good. But, do I let go of that and make the jump to passion? Just can't do it. I have little faith that passion is in the cards for me. It's not that I haven't had some success dating historically but if there is "game" to have, I don't have it. I've made a conscious choice to hang on to pretty good.
I was thinking about this very thing just the other day. I work at a University so there are always speakers, slogans, posters, etc. that are typical of college-age kids. A poster was the "You don't regret the things in life you do, you regret the things you don't!". My first thought was, "horse puckey, of course you regret things you do too!". I may regret not going for passion a little but it's more likely I would regret blowing up my life a lot.
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Post by baza on May 31, 2018 20:28:44 GMT -5
I think you are con-joining two entirely separate issues here Brother @tooyoungtobeold .
Issue #1 - is your marriage bad enough to leave ? And that issue has to stand up to scrutiny all by itself.
Issue #2(a) - if your answer to issue #1 is "no" then there is no issue #2(b) to address. Issue #2(b) - if your answer is "yes" to issue #1, then that has to stand up to scrutiny all by itself too. You would have to see yourself OK with living as a single bloke (at least short term) and having the capability of dealing with the new raft of difficulties involved, and the capabilities of seizing the new opportunities this would involve too.
Although the two issues are linked to each other, they are actually two different matters, independent of each other.
It looks like your answer to issue #1 is "no" - a perfectly legitimate choice, which makes issue #2(b) a complete non event, and this choice brings with it a raft of problems with which you are already familiar.
Either way in these ILIASM situations, there are going to be problems to address. The known and pretty much intractible problems of being in an ILIASM deal, or a new set of problems not being in an ILIASM situation involves.
Your choice comes down to "which set of problems you'd sooner address" and there's no *right* answer to that one.
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Post by tirefire on May 31, 2018 21:21:49 GMT -5
@tooyoungtobeold, I can respect that you worry about having regret for blowing everything up. From your comments, it seems that your fears are what mine were. What if I leave and no one will even date me? What if I never get settled into a good relationship? I don't know what game even looks like but I think if you make yourself into your best you possible, you'll stand out in a crowd of guys that don't even try. Neat and trim hair, new clothes, stylish shoes, hit the gym for even just 3 months and you'll be surprised at the results if you work hard. Practice starting conversations about whatever with every woman you meet. Look them in the eye while talking. Nothing creepy, just friendly and outgoing. Maybe you already do all this stuff. Just throwing it out there. I just think that whether you are looking for an outsourcing partner or a new partner altogether, if you look and act attractive as your natural state you'll meet some women. What you will regret is if you don't ask any of them out. You need to ignore any rejection and just move to the next one you meet that seems interesting. And I'm saying this all because I had the most incredible 24 hours with the most incredible woman and I want you and every other man to have that, too. (Not with her, though) I'm nothing outstanding. Just a dude. But if I hadn't done this, somehow I would have known deep down that I missed out on this. I'm praying we can turn that 24 hours into something that lasts. But even if she changes her mind about me, at least now I know what it can be like. And it is mind blowing. I got a shiver just writing that. Don't be in a hurry. Ponder and consider. Reflect and worry. I do hope that somehow your life can get this happy. TF
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Post by Deleted on May 31, 2018 22:01:57 GMT -5
@tooyoungtobeold , I was struggling with the same decision. I came on ILIASM thinking that I can live with no sex with an otherwise comfortable life with my wife. Kids already grown, some friction at home but not too often, looking forward at the time to becoming grandparents. What I learned here over the past year was that the lack of sex was merely a symptom. I was fooling myself - my marriage was loveless, with no intimacy and with my wife treating me like hired help, judging me but not supporting me. The story you wrote about how you needed help when your dad passed away and she wasn't there for you....that's probably closer to the reality of your relationship. Wishful thinking can wash away a lot of truth. Like tirefire , I fell for a wonderful woman in the same situation. And then I somehow fell even harder for another one. Neither of them could ever have been potential marriage partners for me, but both of them taught me what passion and desire feel like. While of course I am aware of how affairs are artificial, and real life cannot sustain the passion, still I experienced feelings that I never felt with my wife and that I know I never can. I also realized that as a person a little older than you and with a bit of extra weight around the middle, I could still be desirable to women I consider beautiful. I'm not recommending an affair. The downsides are really bad if you value your marriage. If you can gain self esteem and the ability to look at the pros and cons of your marriage objectively without outsourcing, then that is great (and you are a better person than I am.) But there is something to be said for experiencing true intimacy when you have been starved of it. Like TF, I want everyone to experience this. TF - I am rooting for your incredible 24 hours to turn into many decades of happiness and joy and sheer fun with your new woman.
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Post by saarinista on Jun 2, 2018 13:53:16 GMT -5
What tirefire said. Grooming matters a lot. No one can instantly be perfectly fit, but all of us can refuse to wear dumpy, frayed, stained and unpressed clothing. yes, get out the iron, dammit! Get a good haircut. Take care of your skin (everyone use sunscreen and moisturizer, please) and wear makeup (that's mainly for us females, I suspect.) Always smell good. Smile! Why do all of this? Do it for YOU. Put your best face forward always. It will help you feel good about yourself. Then you'll be ready to meet other people and get on with life. Personally, a guy could be the best-looking guy in the world, the richest or smartest. But if he's a slob, that tells me he wants to be alone. If he doesn't take care of himself or take time to keep his clothes up to date, that tells me he's checked out of polite society and he's not for me, because I want to go places and accomplish things, which is harder if you look scruffy, I think. Now, staying in shape is a very positive thing, both appearance-wise and psychologically. Most of us could stand to be thinner or have a lower resting heart rate, However, accomplishing those things takes time and lots of sustained effort, especially when we're sexually deprived and food is such a cheap and available drug in our society, alas. Many of us are depressed. That makes it tough to implement aserious workout routine, let also see results. In fact, many of us have crawled into a hole at some point and given up on ourselves. Worst thing we could do. It's SO important to be ready to interact positively with new people. I don't think anyone should wait until they're a certain weight to face the world. Grooming is quick and doable, and the positive feedback it will inspire from other people might help you get back on that workout program. And yes, going to a gym is great, but much better than nothing is what I do: walking regularly in my hilly neighborhood, running up and down steps in the house, doing heavy yard work, etc. Baby steps! If you can't be perfect (and no one can) just be better than you were! Etc., etc. 🌞
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Post by elynne on Jun 2, 2018 16:08:06 GMT -5
What tirefire said. Grooming matters a lot. No one can instantly be perfectly fit, but all of us can refuse to wear dumpy, frayed, stained and unpressed clothing. yes, get out the iron, dammit! Get a good haircut. Take care of your skin (everyone use sunscreen and moisturizer, please) and wear makeup (that's mainly for us females, I suspect.) Always smell good. Smile! Why do all of this? Do it for YOU. Put your best face forward always. It will help you feel good about yourself. Then you'll be ready to meet other people and get on with life. Personally, a guy could be the best-looking guy in the world, the richest or smartest. But if he's a slob, that tells me he wants to be alone. If he doesn't take care of himself or take time to keep his clothes up to date, that tells me he's checked out of polite society and he's not for me, because I want to go places and accomplish things, which is harder if you look scruffy, I think. Now, staying in shape is a very positive thing, both appearance-wise and psychologically. Most of us could stand to be thinner or have a lower resting heart rate, However, accomplishing those things takes time and lots of sustained effort, especially when we're sexually deprived and food is such a cheap and available drug in our society, alas. Many of us are depressed. That makes it tough to implement aserious workout routine, let also see results. In fact, many of us have crawled into a hole at some point and given up on ourselves. Worst thing we could do. It's SO important to be ready to interact positively with new people. I don't think anyone should wait until they're a certain weight to face the world. Grooming is quick and doable, and the positive feedback it will inspire from other people might help you get back on that workout program. And yes, going to a gym is great, but much better than nothing is what I do: walking regularly in my hilly neighborhood, running up and down steps in the house, doing heavy yard work, etc. Baby steps! If you can't be perfect (and no one can) just be better than you were! Etc., etc. 🌞 Yes! Living in Holland - very flat country with good bike paths - this is much easier. But bike! Start small if you need to - around the block. On a typical day I bike between 10 and 20 km just taking the kids to school, going to the studio. Great way to stay in shape, to destress. And this is my silly and slightly embarrassing confession - I love resting my hand on my quadriceps as I cycle, feeling the muscle flex on the downstroke then soften. It makes me appreciate the strength and grace of my body’s movement. Weird, but it’s something that makes me happy. 😅
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