Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2017 13:51:34 GMT -5
Since coming to this forum I’ve read so much wisdom from so many people, you’ve been gracious as we all seek to fill this cursed void in our lives. Lately, perhaps the last 3 years or so but especially in the last three months, the dynamic has changed in my head. I don’t spend any time at all thinking about how to change her or how to change the relationship. I’ve decided that what needs to change is me, which is good because that’s the only thing I have much control over anyway. You all have been key to me understanding that.
Stay, Cheat, Leave. I feel like I’ve chosen to stay for the right reasons. My marriage is functional (God, what an awful way to describe it but there you go) and we do love each other. Not in a way that touches me in the deepest parts of my heart but it is love. We have college aged kids who still benefit greatly from our stability. We have a good life. No passion but am I asking for too much from life? Would I trade passion for instability? At 25, probably. At 50, probably not.
There have been times where cheating or leaving seemed like a more viable option but I’ve “let myself go” as they say, physically. I won’t have to be removed from my home with a crane and a television crew but I’ve gained 50 lbs. So, I’ve decided I can’t really make a choice unless I believe there is a choice to be made and a choice can’t be made until I’m fit, taking better care of myself and comfortable in my own skin again. Does that make sense? Can I truly own staying if, down deep, I know that’s really my only option? Does some part of me hope that the previous, flat stomach me is more attractive to my wife? Yes, and that’s messed up too. But, at least I’ll look good in a suit again.
Ugh.
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Aug 9, 2017 14:12:18 GMT -5
There is nothing wrong about wanting to look good. There is actually nothing wrong in wanting to look good for her...just don't affect it to move the needle in the slightest. Because of that, don't expect it to last as a motivation.
Back in 2009, I had ballooned to 273 (I'm 6 foot 2 btw). My marriage wasn't functional, but we were functional as parents. I decided that the weight I'd put on was the reason she didn't want me. So I lost 74 pounds and got to 199. Not even an unsolicted compliment. I kept the weight off for a few years, but because my reason for losing it was external, I put it back on, and by 2013, I was back up in the 250's. About a year ago, I decided to lose the weight again, but it was not for her. It was for me. Again, she didn't even really notice, but I really didn't care. I lost about 50 pounds. I feel good. I look better, and and think I will keep it off this time.
As far as stay/leave/cheat, your decision may change over time, and there is nothing wrong with that. You are changing over time, and that is natural. But don't get it in your mind that you need to look like a movie star to be able to leave if you want to. Look around at the people our age. There aren't a lot of lead actors running around the dating scene. I'm sure the ladies will back me up here, but simply not being a complete dick who is only interested in a hookup puts you in the top 25% of single guys out there. The bar, my friend, is actually pretty damn low.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2017 14:23:44 GMT -5
I'm under no delusions and thanks for sharing your experience. The post comes off more than i'd like as "I want to look better so I can at least cheat" but that's not really what I want to accomplish. I want to feel better about me, that's the goal. It's not fair to either me or the relationship if I'm all settled in, that's just laziness on my part.
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Aug 9, 2017 14:28:27 GMT -5
I'm under no delusions and thanks for sharing your experience. The post comes off more than i'd like as "I want to look better so I can at least cheat" but that's not really what I want to accomplish. I want to feel better about me, that's the goal. It's not fair to either me or the relationship if I'm all settled in, that's just laziness on my part. Actually, to me, the post came off more as "I want to look better so I can leave but as long as I'm here, I want to work on the things I can and maybe feel better about myself". Losing the weight to look good isn't the important part. The personal pride you develop in doing so that is the important part.
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Aug 9, 2017 14:44:35 GMT -5
I don't want to try to change your mind, but I do want to ask you some questions. Lets talk this out. I took the divorce route. The "you are setting a terrible example for your children of what a loving caring, respectful relationship, should be" was like the ultimate tipping point.
1)What's going to be your motivation to go to the gym?
2) Are you going to work out from home?
3) How many people do you know who successfully stick to a work out from home?
4) 50 lbs, for a man is an attainable goal. Will you want to keep it off?
5) Will staying in the marriage help your goal?
6)If you go to the gym, you are going to see a lot of trim healthy woman. They will be looking at you. Will that change your perspective?
7) You have college age kids. Do you feel you could ask them how a divorce would affect them? Do you think you know the answers? Would they admire and respect the fact that you are doing something for your self?
8) Do you think pride is getting in your way?
9)At age 50 why can't you still have passion and stability living single, with someone else or by getting re- married?
Are you asking to much for your life? It sounds like you are not asking enough. Like you are settling for putting your self last. That you are not worthy.
Here's a tough question that I found myself discussing today with my male friends. How many times do I think I am being noble, giving, caring,by keeping the peace and not standing up for myself? When in reality it's more of a "pride" issue. That I struggle with being a "receiver". Why is "receiving" so hard. I certainly understand what it's like to be a giver. But that also means someone else has to do the receiving. Why is that hard? Is it pride? (even a rescuer eventually needs rescuing)
My dentist helped me the other day financially. I swallowed my pride and realized I need to receive.
Lastly, knowing the divorce was coming was a strong motivator to go back to the gym at age 53 I easily lost 18 lbs. in two seasons.
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on Aug 9, 2017 15:44:12 GMT -5
Sounds to me you are working your way through it all. Sure, Your wife might not care if you get fit again. But at least then you will know and you will feel good about yourself again. You are making choices. You have a plan.
|
|
|
Post by lwoetin on Aug 9, 2017 16:13:10 GMT -5
Staying is not your only option. A lot of women like the facial hair and find that attractive. I once tried to grow beard and this girl I like said I looked like a rapist. Ughhh. Definitely do self-improvement and get your confidence up. Hopefully the Mrs notices. Staying is an option. Love is a powerful reason to.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Aug 9, 2017 21:56:40 GMT -5
Your post gives off a vibe (to me at least) that you are 'justifying' why you presently choose to stay Brother @tooyoungtobeold . Thing is, you don't have to justify jack shit. As of today, on the information you know today, on the way you are feeling today, you are staying, today. So was Brother shamwow at one point. So was Brother greatcoastal , and Sisters WindSister , and numerous others among the membership. This is NOT to suggest that you reverse your choice and make a headlong charge for the exit. It is merely to point out that EVERYONE in the membership here starts off at the "I'm staying" position. But not everyone keeps static in that position. Today, you stay. Tomorrow ? who knows. Keep an open mind is all I'd suggest. Another year of your deal (or 5 or 10) may give you cause to revisit your choice of today.
|
|
|
Post by choosinghappy on Aug 10, 2017 12:02:20 GMT -5
At lot of this post spoke to me. But I just want it on record, coming from a woman (a young one at that), that the extra 50lbs does not matter to everyone. My H was about 270 when we met and I was attracted to him. He's lost 50 lbs over the last couple years and I'm still attracted to him. Don't let extra weight keep you from being who you are or making the best decisions for you.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2017 14:30:10 GMT -5
Staying is not your only option. A lot of women like the facial hair and find that attractive. I once tried to grow beard and this girl I like said I looked like a rapist. Ughhh. Definitely do self-improvement and get your confidence up. Hopefully the Mrs notices. Staying is an option. Love is a powerful reason to. I assume you're referring to my profile pic (which isn't me--although it's pretty close and I do have a beard).
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2017 14:39:48 GMT -5
I don't want to try to change your mind, but I do want to ask you some questions. Lets talk this out. I took the divorce route. The "you are setting a terrible example for your children of what a loving caring, respectful relationship, should be" was like the ultimate tipping point. 1)What's going to be your motivation to go to the gym? 2) Are you going to work out from home? 3) How many people do you know who successfully stick to a work out from home? 4) 50 lbs, for a man is an attainable goal. Will you want to keep it off? 5) Will staying in the marriage help your goal? 6)If you go to the gym, you are going to see a lot of trim healthy woman. They will be looking at you. Will that change your perspective? 7) You have college age kids. Do you feel you could ask them how a divorce would affect them? Do you think you know the answers? Would they admire and respect the fact that you are doing something for your self? 8) Do you think pride is getting in your way? 9)At age 50 why can't you still have passion and stability living single, with someone else or by getting re- married? Are you asking to much for your life? It sounds like you are not asking enough. Like you are settling for putting your self last. That you are not worthy. Here's a tough question that I found myself discussing today with my male friends. How many times do I think I am being noble, giving, caring,by keeping the peace and not standing up for myself? When in reality it's more of a "pride" issue. That I struggle with being a "receiver". Why is "receiving" so hard. I certainly understand what it's like to be a giver. But that also means someone else has to do the receiving. Why is that hard? Is it pride? (even a rescuer eventually needs rescuing) My dentist helped me the other day financially. I swallowed my pride and realized I need to receive. Lastly, knowing the divorce was coming was a strong motivator to go back to the gym at age 53 I easily lost 18 lbs. in two seasons. Excellent questions that I've given some thought to. 1)What's going to be your motivation to go to the gym? Interestingly, it's mostly how my clothes fit. When I passed 220 (about 10 lbs ago) nothing felt right. I'd like to say "healthy living" or something similar but mostly it's just how clothes fit. 2) Are you going to work out from home? Mostly not, I work at a University and we have a fitness center. 3) How many people do you know who successfully stick to a work out from home? Precious few, see #2 4) 50 lbs, for a man is an attainable goal. Will you want to keep it off? I think so. It's been a long time coming, i've gained it all slowly at maybe 5 lbs/year over 10 years. Once i'm back to 175 I should be able to keep it there. 5) Will staying in the marriage help your goal? Neutral. Won't help or hurt. 6)If you go to the gym, you are going to see a lot of trim healthy woman. They will be looking at you. Will that change your perspective? Great question and I have an easy out. I'm well known on our campus so any oggling either way would be inappropriate. 7) You have college age kids. Do you feel you could ask them how a divorce would affect them? Do you think you know the answers? Would they admire and respect the fact that you are doing something for your self? I wouldn't do it. I feel fairly strongly that my stuff not be there stuff. They have their own lives to build, they need Dad to be the stable, helpful guy. 8) Do you think pride is getting in your way? Still thinking this one over. 9)At age 50 why can't you still have passion and stability living single, with someone else or by getting re- married? I probably could but my situation is that I love my wife, we're decent to each other, etc. How much more should I grab for? My life is pretty great now, just not in that one area.
|
|
|
Post by becca on Aug 10, 2017 14:45:15 GMT -5
Staying is not your only option. A lot of women like the facial hair and find that attractive. I once tried to grow beard and this girl I like said I looked like a rapist. Ughhh. Definitely do self-improvement and get your confidence up. Hopefully the Mrs notices. Staying is an option. Love is a powerful reason to. I assume you're referring to my profile pic (which isn't me--although it's pretty close and I do have a beard). Darn! I was hoping you were Nick Offerman. Hey...it's possible. No matter where you are on your journey (staying, cheating, leaving) it doesn't hurt to work on yourself. If you feel like you are your BEST you if you lose weight, then lose weight. But I do encourage you to do it for yourself and not anyone else. Best to you on your journey.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2017 0:16:10 GMT -5
Good for you @tooyoungtobeold! It's great, even essential, for us all to own our own stuff and be our best selves. It's from that position of strength that (I think) we are empowered to make our best decisions.
I respect your answers to GreatCoastal's questions. I definitely wouldn't fault you for staying. (Nor would I fault you for leaving though.) But absolutely, take care of yourself and then see what's next. If nothing else changes, at least you'll have a fun body for the journey!
I can tell you this: I've gained and lost weight, had many different hairstyles and colors, worn more or less makeup, all different styles of clothing, and none of it made any difference to my H. He still had/has no interest in sex. So maybe don't expect W to suddenly become sexual. But who cares? Because you're going to feel amazing!
And this is a good reminder for me too. It's been a crazy summer and I need to get back to the gym on a regular basis. I love feeling strong.
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Aug 11, 2017 0:48:45 GMT -5
If you're looking for a program thats truly for beginners without being so hard that you're just gonna quit, here is one that I'm trying right now ~ hasfit.com/beginner-workout-program/
|
|
|
Post by nolongerlonely on Aug 11, 2017 4:07:17 GMT -5
@tooyoungtobeold this post spoke volumes to me regarding my own past so I thought I'd contribute. I suppose the major difference between your explanation and my history are the words 'we love each other'. I'm afraid for me I slowly but surely 'fell out of love' with my stbx. Initially this was entirely her doing, with extremely aggressive and controlling behaviour which made me feel like a servant in the end more than a partner. But still I endured it, imagining its what everyone out there goes through, demeaning myself that I was being impatient, too selfish regarding my own needs, and easy to slip along in a life that 'conformed' to the marital role model viewed by the outside - by which I mean friends and relatives. But slowly and surely, my affection and love diminished to a point where we became just two people living in the same building. So, due to the above, perhaps I am less able to analyse your own relationship. Oh, and you mention the college age kids. I deliberately waited until mine was past college. I knew it was all a complete crock, before the college stage. I cant tell you the upset it caused me watching my own child graduate to a 'relationship' stage herself. It wasnt jealousy, but the feeling of complete stupidity on my part that I had allowed it all to go on for so long. I mean, how can someone so professionally successful allow himself to become cocooned into a world of unhappiness. As I aged further, escape seemed further and further unlikely, as I embroiled myself in this incredibly lonely, insular existence. Where I could share my feelings with no-one. Meanwhile my partner continued to gain strength of control and anger, so as my own esteem slid the other way I felt less and less able to address my ultimate desire to get out. And then one day, along came my discovery of this forum, and everything began to change for me, extremely rapidly. I've been happier in the last 5 months since coming here than I have been in 28 years of ''marriage''. So, thats me. Boring isnt it. Sorry. Thought I'd just give you the background. So, you're generally happy, but you're here. You have done everything I did. You have invested in your family life, you've become a great dad (well I like to think I am but dont know), you have created an environment of stability for everyone in your 'circle of trust' (Forgive me I cant help quotes from films). But somewhere inside of your psyche, you are unhappy. You've thought about sex with your wife, but thats not forthcoming, so you have fantasised sex with strangers, sex with friends, colleagues, you've considered an affair. (well, I had all those thoughts). But you are a decent person, and you have managed to keep away from it all. So, what next ? Hobbies. I invested enormously in those, became somewhat obsessed. And food. I'm a foodie. I love the stuff. Its easy to seek comfort from food. But for me, none of these things produced a satisfactory solution for the fact that inside, I was unhappy, at my core. The intimacy, the love, the desire, from her, it was all gone. I was a failure of a man. Reinforced by scores of unpleasant comments if I ever dared attempt to discuss the 'problem'. You may have a much richer and less unpleasant relationship than mine, but the fact remains that something is niggling away inside of you. I hope you invest in the fitness program. It will allow you to continue enjoying food without further weight gain. Double bonus ! Eat well, and exercise for your health. But what about whats going on in your mind ? It will haunt you at night, thats what it did to me, I could be fully occupied during my days, work, hobbies,kids, home, repeat. But at about 3am every night, 'bing' and there I was wide awake thinking about it all. That went on for well over 15 years. PLEASE DONT BE ME. northstarmom brought it all home to me a few months ago on here when she talked of leaving in her 60's and finding the life she always dreamed of. Please dont waste time like she did and like I did. We only get one go at all this, and the clock is ticking. For me, starting my new life couldnt start sooner. But if you are truly happy, and I am misreading everything, please carry on. And good luck. Sorry I wrote so much, and sorry too if its harsh of me to analyse this way. But if you cant work towards restoring the physical side of your relationship with your wife, for whatever reason, and you still want to enjoy that intimacy, then in the end, the last straw as they say, will break the camel's back. For me, and for I think most of us here, its at the core of a loving relationship. Without it, its like opening a tin of your most favourite food, and finding there is nothing inside.
|
|