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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 28, 2019 13:04:37 GMT -5
Welcome stillhopeful...sorry that you find yourself here. First I would recommend that you move this story theme to the Sexless Marriage Story Lines. You are more likely to get a larger # of replies and dissection of your situation. Here you will find a great deal of experience with sexless marriage, lack of affection in a relationship and so many variations I couldn't start to name them. Most of the members are sympathetic. But you will likely get a fair dose of realism aimed at your situation and the likely reasons for it as well as the probable future waiting for you should you choose to stay. If you are just venting that's OK. But if you want or need specific advice don't be afraid to ask for it. The more conversation that happens the greater the likelihood of you getting some valuable input relevant to your situation.
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 28, 2019 14:48:53 GMT -5
stillhopeful... We’re sorry you’re here, but glad you found us. It sucks. First, some necessary housekeeping... do NOT have kids with this guy until you are at least a year past this being fixed. For that matter, don’t even get a mortgage with him. “When someone tells you who they really are, believe them.” And their actions speak far more than their promises. Hoping against the impossible will trap you. There are surely people out there who’ve overcome this, but they don’t find their way here to share, so you’re not going to hear those stories. There are several of us in your shoes, though it’s a less common story. I agree with worksforme2 - if you post your story in the Sexless Marriage Issues section, more folks will comment.
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Post by stillhopeful on Jul 28, 2019 15:30:59 GMT -5
Welcome stillhopeful...sorry that you find yourself here. First I would recommend that you move this story theme to the Sexless Marriage Story Lines. You are more likely to get a larger # of replies and dissection of your situation. Here you will find a great deal of experience with sexless marriage, lack of affection in a relationship and so many variations I couldn't start to name them. Most of the members are sympathetic. But you will likely get a fair dose of realism aimed at your situation and the likely reasons for it as well as the probable future waiting for you should you choose to stay. If you are just venting that's OK. But if you want or need specific advice don't be afraid to ask for it. The more conversation that happens the greater the likelihood of you getting some valuable input relevant to your situation. Thank you worksforme2. I think I'll write in the story line. I'm looking for advice. I haven't told anyone about this so this forum seems like a good space to share and feel safe.
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Post by Handy on Jul 28, 2019 15:32:01 GMT -5
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 7, 2019 15:03:36 GMT -5
stillhopefulRUN. RUN NOW!! I am so sorry you have found yourself here. I was married 23 years in a SM. I divorced in 2016. Do not have kids it will only complicate things. He will never be the lover that you want. It is up to you to either accept that or decide what you want for yourself. It sounds like you have more than once let him know that you are not happy with the marriage. Perhaps laying your cards on the table and telling him that if he can not permanently change and meet your expectations of (xyz) at least twice a week then divorce is eminent. You are so young and you have soooo many good years ahead of you. Go after the life you want for yourself!!
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Post by angeleyes65 on Aug 14, 2019 8:07:39 GMT -5
stillhopefulRUN. RUN NOW!! I am so sorry you have found yourself here. I was married 23 years in a SM. I divorced in 2016. Do not have kids it will only complicate things. He will never be the lover that you want. It is up to you to either accept that or decide what you want for yourself. It sounds like you have more than once let him know that you are not happy with the marriage. Perhaps laying your cards on the table and telling him that if he can not permanently change and meet your expectations of (xyz) at least twice a week then divorce is eminent. You are so young and you have soooo many good years ahead of you. Go after the life you want for yourself!! I agree with everything bballgirl said 100%!
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Post by thirstyang on Aug 19, 2019 4:54:50 GMT -5
Hello! New to this forum... just wanted to introduce myself. I’ve been married for 9 years and in a SM for going on 5 years. We share two children that are still young. The past year has been my breaking point. I feel too young at 37 years old to continue living without affection and intimacy. My husband is content with our relationship, or lack there of. I’ve mentioned divorce a couple times this year, but he doesn’t see anything wrong in our lives worth divorcing over. I’m okay with staying for our children’s sake, but I’m also exploring other option to satiate my sexual needs. I feel so awful at the thought of cheating on him, but I can’t go on with our current situation. I came here to see what others in the same situation ended up deciding. Thanks for reading.
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Post by hopingforachange on Aug 19, 2019 8:17:32 GMT -5
Hello! New to this forum... just wanted to introduce myself. I’ve been married for 9 years and in a SM for going on 5 years. We share two children that are still young. The past year has been my breaking point. I feel too young at 37 years old to continue living without affection and intimacy. My husband is content with our relationship, or lack there of. I’ve mentioned divorce a couple times this year, but he doesn’t see anything wrong in our lives worth divorcing over. I’m okay with staying for our children’s sake, but I’m also exploring other option to satiate my sexual needs. I feel so awful at the thought of cheating on him, but I can’t go on with our current situation. I came here to see what others in the same situation ended up deciding. Thanks for reading. Welcome to the club no one wanted to be a member of. I can understand your pain. With young kids it puts even more guilt on you.
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Post by thirstyang on Aug 19, 2019 19:27:57 GMT -5
Yes, certainly a club no one wants to be in. Sigh~ I am driving myself nuts contemplating outsourcing for my needs. I feel awful, but at the same time, I feel I shouldn’t have to. At this point, I’m only staying for my kids- financial security and don’t want them to feel “broken”. When I brought up divorce a few months ago after confessing I am no longer in love and have no attraction to him anymore, he brought up his depression and thoughts of dying. It frightens me to think he might even do such a thing if I leave. I just wish we could part on good terms with an amicable agreement to provide support for the kids and myself until I can get back on my feet. Looking forward to navigating through these waters through this site. Thanks for reading.
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Post by hopingforachange on Aug 19, 2019 20:23:55 GMT -5
Yes, certainly a club no one wants to be in. Sigh~ I am driving myself nuts contemplating outsourcing for my needs. I feel awful, but at the same time, I feel I shouldn’t have to. At this point, I’m only staying for my kids- financial security and don’t want them to feel “broken”. When I brought up divorce a few months ago after confessing I am no longer in love and have no attraction to him anymore, he brought up his depression and thoughts of dying. It frightens me to think he might even do such a thing if I leave. I just wish we could part on good terms with an amicable agreement to provide support for the kids and myself until I can get back on my feet. Looking forward to navigating through these waters through this site. Thanks for reading. If he's depressed and suicidal, he needs help. You can offer to set him up with therapy but it's his responsibility to manage it. Having him sort his shit out could make your exit easier. With any luck he will see thru the depression fog and see what he's done to you. My SM drove me to planning my suicide, I was watching the weather and waiting for just the right conditions before pulling the plug. Thankfully they didn't happen.
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Post by baza on Aug 19, 2019 21:17:04 GMT -5
Think this outsourcing matter through very carefully Sister thirstyang , as it is invariably a big game changer. And the changes are unpredictable and can spin-off in some awfully undesired directions. For that reason, it would be smart to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish - in theory - how a divorce would shake out for you, and within those legal parameters figure out an exit strategy and get it knocked into do-able status. Shoring up your support network would be a wise move too, as would figuring out how you would shepherd your kids through such an event. The outsourcing option is not something to go into on a half arsed basis. If you are going to go down that path do it with your eyes wide open - and with a fall back plan for it if all goes pear shaped. Anyway, think it through, thoroughly. Would a short term choice of outsourcing be in your longer term best interests ?
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rhalyn
New Member
Posts: 1
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by rhalyn on Aug 19, 2019 22:09:47 GMT -5
Will be married 25 yrs tomorrow. The last 6 yrs of our marriage have been rough. Husband has back issues, had surgery and has been chronic pain patient since. He has pretty much given up on having a functional life. Lays in bed 23 hrs a day because his back hurts. No amount of pain medication helps per him. Last few yrs maybe have only had sex 10 times. But at this point I am not interested in having sex with him because his hygiene is awful. I miss the way things use to be. I get jealous seeing other couples hold hands, kiss, dance. I think about divorce but feel bad because he has a “ medical problem” and I vowed for better or worse. Our kids are all grown so no issues there but I can’t get over the guilt I feel thinking about leaving because of lack of intimacy. Cheating terrifies me because I have never been with any man but him plus again that is wrong. Looking to get some advice and learn from other people’s experiences.
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Post by baza on Aug 19, 2019 22:37:10 GMT -5
Statement - "you can't leave someone with a medical problem" Fact - yes you can. Statement - "you can't leave someone you made a vow to stay with forever" Fact - yes you can. Statement - "you can't cheat on your spouse" Fact - yes you can. Statement - "you can't leave a marriage just because there's no sex" Fact - yes you can. In fact Sister rhalyn , you can do pretty much whatever you like....just like your spouse is doing exactly as he likes without much regard for your aspirations or aims for your future. This is NOT a suggestion that you be on the divorce courts front step tomorrow. It is simply pointing out the obvious .... that divorcing, cheating, or staying in your ILIASM deal are all perfectly valid options. One is no more *right* (or *wrong*) than the other. One of the options will be the *right* one for you. Your job is to figure out which option is most likely to be in your longer term best interests. If you keep reading in here you will see these options (stay, cheat, leave) in action with other members first hand stories. Hopefully that will help you identify what the *right* thing for you is.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 20, 2019 7:44:40 GMT -5
You forgot about the part where you stay congruent to your value system. Which makes the choices very personal. Not all choices are valid when taken in context. Bottom line, whatever you do, be prepared to live with your choices once the world (kids, family, friends, community) discovers it. Thats the test. It is simply pointing out the obvious .... that divorcing, cheating, or staying in your ILIASM deal are all perfectly valid options. One is no more *right* (or *wrong*) than the other. One of the options will be the *right* one for you. Your job is to figure out which option is most likely to be in your longer term best interests
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 20, 2019 8:44:33 GMT -5
This. The question is...did we become the lame one or our partner? As I look within, the thought creeps in that maybe I was the lame one. Will post more on this in my thread when I have a chance I have read, probably from a link on this forum, that eagles are monogamous. Mate for life. Mate out of the reproductive season. For bonding. And as loyal as they are to their mate, if the mate becomes lame, they will go find another mate
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