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Post by sadintexas on Jul 15, 2019 13:07:01 GMT -5
sadintexas Welcome . I'm sorry to hear of your sexless marriage. I'm struck reading you post by your focus on being "good enough" to attract your husband's interest. You're concerned about your appearance, about being successful and educated, and about putting other people's needs before your own. What I don't hear you asking is why he isn't holding up his end of the bargain? Why are you assuming that his sexual infidelity and failure are YOUR fault instead of resulting from something gone wrong in a relationship containing two people? Why do you think other's needs should come first? Could it be that he's come to a believe that he need not do anything because you'll do it for him? Could it be that he figures he's so important that your needs are inconsequential and only HIS needs matter? And sex aside, how is your relationship? Sex aside everything else is normal. We vacation together, hold hands in the car, kiss each other goodbye each morning and before bed each night, discuss our day each evening, etc. I don't know why I put everyone's needs above my own. I just want the people I love to be happy, even to my own detriment I suppose. But I don't know why.
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Post by sadintexas on Jul 15, 2019 13:08:18 GMT -5
sadintexas- I think your first step should be to talk to a therapist. I too had a very difficult time finding the strength to leave my marriage until after about 4 months of therapy. I realized I lacked the self worth I needed to truly understand what I wanted and needed out of a relationship/marriage. You need to find yourself again and a good therapist will help you do that. I know how scary it is making this first step but believe me when I tell you that it is vital for your mental health. Please also keep posting here- there’s lots of good support and advice from people who have either gone through or are still going through something similar. I’m sorry you’re struggling. Hugs to you! Thank you. I will get through this. Just needed to vent and I don't like talking about my personal sex life with friends or family.
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Post by flashjohn on Jul 15, 2019 13:38:02 GMT -5
I have no idea what going on. I met this charming, charismatic man when I was just 22 in 1999. He was 34. Sex was amazing. We had a child in 2001. I caught him cheating on me in 2005 when I walked into my home after a girls bunko night and he was in the guest room with someone I trusted. Our marriage was very rocky for about three years after that. We had been having sexual relation issues before then, him not me. I did gain some weight while pregnant but I lost most after and I always sexually desired him. Things were never the same after our son was born. I hated that I wanted him and would give anytime he touched me, although he would not do the same. When he was cheating on me with my friend that I caught him with (before I knew), I broke down crying one night when I tried to instigate and he turned me down. I asked him why. He literally shook it at me, still limp and told me it didn't work anymore. He had been diagnosed with a heart condition about a year prior so I attributed it to that. But he could get it up for other women and not me. I eventually caught him cheating several more times afterwards. But my spirit and confidence were broken and I was terrified if I left I would be alone for life. I'm an educated woman, great career, have always put him and our sons needs above mine and we both are well respected I'm our community, him being successful as well. He's been great as far as open communication and transparency since the last time I caught him in 2011. I think that's largely due to the fact that I decided to give home a dose of his own medicine, wrong or right. I filed for divorce after the 2011 incidence and began dating a prominent man in our community. He couldn't handle it and we reconciled five months later. We are now back to square one. He acts as though he's sleeping most times that I touch him. He maybe instigates 4 times a year, at most. I have no idea what to do. We do everything normal married couples do, except sex. We hold hands even if just watching TV, we kiss each other every morning and before going to bed, we say "I love you" when leaving or hanging up the phone, go on vacation, etc. But this sexless marriage is killing me. I'm what most people consider attractive 5'8", around 155 lbs, mid 40's, no gray hair (still natural Auburn), etc. I don't understand what he wants or is looking for. Why am I not enough and why can't I find the courage to leave?? Thanks for letting me vent. Wow, so sorry to hear this. I really don't know what to say. It could be that he just enjoys the chase and that kind of thing instead of a sweet woman who cares about him.
Has he had his testosterone level checked? If his free testosterone is 400 or less, that could be the problem.
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Post by saarinista on Jul 15, 2019 14:00:00 GMT -5
sadintexas could it be that the age difference between you is impacting his ability to get excited enough to have erection unless he has the thrill of the chase going on? I mean that's a thought. And that's nothing against you by the way. Novelty is a turn on to plenty of people. Anyway if novelty is what turns him on, and marital sex is a turn off oh, that could be a big problem and he probably won't want to discuss that with you. Another possibility is that he's one of those people who likes younger women. But and I apologize I don't recall it and you said the women had affairs with were younger or not. Of course you're already 12 years younger than him, but some people just want them younger and younger all the time I don't know. Anyway here's a thought and take it or leave it, but I've found that putting other people's needs before my own generally is not rewarded. It's taken advantage of. If course, your mileage may vary.
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Post by Handy on Jul 15, 2019 15:24:29 GMT -5
sadintexas there is a mental concept called "Madona-Whore" complex some men have. The general idea is a woman is a sexual thing until she has a child and after the the birth of the first or 12 child (varies) then the wife is mainly the mother and is too sacred to fuck very often. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madonna%E2%80%93whore_complexI am not diagnosing your H but I want you to look over the information in the link so you can determine if ANY of this fits your H. And Saarinista is correct, new pussy (NRE=new relationship energy/excitement) is exciting to some men, so much so they don't have all that much trouble with ED. This reinforces the idea sex starts in the brain.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Jul 15, 2019 15:36:18 GMT -5
sadintexas I think it's especially hard being a woman in a sexless marriage as far as we turn in wards " what's wrong with me" . But let me just say welcome and it's not you. I want to tell you to run your son is grown. But I will take the other road. You said he has a heart problem and that can cause ED. I get that. And I read a previous response that with something new it's more exciting and easier to get hard. The flip side to that is if he fails with you, you live him and would understand. If he starts something with some one new and can't perform he would be really humiliated so I'm calling bullshit on that . You said he has been above board since you left and came back..has he? Did he tell you why he is putting in the effort with other women and not his partner in life? That tells me everything is not fine but the sex. We also held hands at first and said I love you when we left and came home. But it was just routine and I stopped the handholding because I was hurt and had to detach to save myself. My suggestion is counseling for you and a talk with him and or marriage counseling if you are determined to stay. But you deserve to be happy and tomorrow isn't guaranteed.
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Post by sadintexas on Jul 15, 2019 20:19:15 GMT -5
sadintexas I think it's especially hard being a woman in a sexless marriage as far as we turn in wards " what's wrong with me" . But let me just say welcome and it's not you. I want to tell you to run your son is grown. But I will take the other road. You said he has a heart problem and that can cause ED. I get that. And I read a previous response that with something new it's more exciting and easier to get hard. The flip side to that is if he fails with you, you live him and would understand. If he starts something with some one new and can't perform he would be really humiliated so I'm calling bullshit on that . You said he has been above board since you left and came back..has he? Did he tell you why he is putting in the effort with other women and not his partner in life? That tells me everything is not fine but the sex. We also held hands at first and said I love you when we left and came home. But it was just routine and I stopped the handholding because I was hurt and had to detach to save myself. My suggestion is counseling for you and a talk with him and or marriage counseling if you are determined to stay. But you deserve to be happy and tomorrow isn't guaranteed. I think I'm just trying to convince myself that he wants me, but it's not his fault. I've loved this man for years upon years. I guess I don't want to admit defeat. I've told him not to touch me because it makes me feel defeated, humiliated and cheap when he does touch me. I just don't know what to do. I do love and want him. But he obviously doesn't feel the same. I'm just a cheap toy to keep him entertained because I'm at his whim and I don't know why I keep myself in this position.
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Post by baza on Jul 15, 2019 20:47:28 GMT -5
Possibly Sister sadintexas , like most of us, you stay because you haven't got a viable alternative. Viable alternatives don't fall out of the sky, rather they emerge when you have put a heap of blood sweat and tears into creating your own viable alternative, and you do that by - - seeing a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you. - within those legal constraints, putting together an exit strategy and knocking it into do-able shape. - shoring up your support network to help you through this challenging process. - a plan to help shepherd any minor kids through the short term turmoil. And there, is your self constructed viable alternative. Would you exercise that option ? Who knows, but you can take one fact to the bank - that being that if you haven't got a viable alternative, then the default choice - staying - applies, until such time as you do have a viable alternative. And that viable alternative is something you can construct yourself.
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Post by flashjohn on Jul 16, 2019 14:10:23 GMT -5
sadintexas I think it's especially hard being a woman in a sexless marriage as far as we turn in wards " what's wrong with me" . But let me just say welcome and it's not you. I want to tell you to run your son is grown. But I will take the other road. You said he has a heart problem and that can cause ED. I get that. And I read a previous response that with something new it's more exciting and easier to get hard. The flip side to that is if he fails with you, you live him and would understand. If he starts something with some one new and can't perform he would be really humiliated so I'm calling bullshit on that . You said he has been above board since you left and came back..has he? Did he tell you why he is putting in the effort with other women and not his partner in life? That tells me everything is not fine but the sex. We also held hands at first and said I love you when we left and came home. But it was just routine and I stopped the handholding because I was hurt and had to detach to save myself. My suggestion is counseling for you and a talk with him and or marriage counseling if you are determined to stay. But you deserve to be happy and tomorrow isn't guaranteed. I think I'm just trying to convince myself that he wants me, but it's not his fault. I've loved this man for years upon years. I guess I don't want to admit defeat. I've told him not to touch me because it makes me feel defeated, humiliated and cheap when he does touch me. I just don't know what to do. I do love and want him. But he obviously doesn't feel the same. I'm just a cheap toy to keep him entertained because I'm at his whim and I don't know why I keep myself in this position. It sounds to me that you are just not to your breaking point yet. We all have one, but it comes at different times. I remember asking for years why I was accepting my ExRefuser's abuse. I had no good answer, but I couldn't bring myself to pull the trigger. But when I found myself in an empty nest without owning a home, I had to ask why I was continuing to accept mistreatment. I had been asking for years how a person who loved me could treat me this way, but I missed the painful, but obvious answer: My ExRefuser did NOT love me. When I realized that, all of her behavior made perfect sense.
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cobweb
Junior Member
Posts: 52
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by cobweb on Jul 23, 2019 10:23:27 GMT -5
Well I have been on the forum a few times but finally think it is time to say hi.
After returning from a lovely holiday in a romantic hotel with husband and two teenage children I find the sadness of living in a sexless marriage just overwhelming.
We have been married just over 20yrs. The sex when it happened was always great but it was infrequent and even before we married I insisted we went to a sex therapist/counsellor as I was concerned even then that we may end up living in a sexless marriage. I wish I had listened to my gut instinct then!
Sex has been sporadic, a few times a year and now nothing for nearly 3 years.
We had couples counselling for nearly 3 years about 5 yrs ago and that bought up a few things, namely that my husband was smacked well into his teens by his father - who specialises in running him down still today. I believe that the ongoing emotional abuse (and past physical, not sexual, abuse) has possibly beaten 'the man' out of him.
Once marriage counselling stopped, our sexlife went back in the box and stayed there. My husband has now been in one-to-one therapy for 2 1/2yrs to try to address our lack of intimacy and also the fairly dire relationship he has with our children. I can't say I have seen any change and I believe that he is just endlessly re-hashing his rather sad childhood.
I have now given up expecting change. I am indifferent to him and his problems. I feel he doesn't want to change or is incapable of change.
There is no joy in our marriage. It is functional. Pleasant. Filled with long silences. He doesn't listen to anything I say which is fine as I have stopped speaking to him.
I stay because financially it would be hard to leave. All that we have worked so hard for would be lost with us both living is small flats, away from our friends and with the kids squashed in. It is not an attractive prospect..... but then neither is staying.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jul 23, 2019 11:10:51 GMT -5
Welcome to the club no one wanted to be part of
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Post by saarinista on Jul 23, 2019 13:56:37 GMT -5
Welcome, cobweb. 🤗❤️ Thanks for sharing your story. I'm not sure, but you may be the first person I've noted who feared their potential marriage possibly becoming sexless, addressing the problem prior to marriage, getting married, and then... having their fears become reality.😕 I'm not sure what the message is in that bottle, but I hope you will find some support and comfort here.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Jul 23, 2019 22:41:31 GMT -5
@cobwebs it is not a good existence. I've been there done that. It's hard to make that change but it sounds like you are distancing yourself more as time goes by. Maybe when the kids are grown it will be time for you. Best of luck to you.
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Post by stillhopeful on Jul 28, 2019 12:23:31 GMT -5
I honestly don't know where to start. Hi everyone. So sad to be here but partly greatfull to have found this forum.
I'm 28. Been married for 2 years, known H for 4. No kids. I feel like I'm too young to be in this situation. This issue has actually been going on from day one. We haven't had sex in over a year now. Not on our wedding night nor our honeymoon. I cried myself to sleep both times. And when we do, it's nothing like I would want it to be. No passion, not playful. I couldn't call it 'love making' that's for sure. And I'm definitely one of those girls. Im a romantic. I like the attention and the compliments and the texts and ugh the gross 'cant get your hands off me' kind of love. That's the kind of love I live for. It makes me happy and loving and caring.
I just never payed too much attention to it at first as I was so in love. I knew there was something wrong,is but preferred to focus on the more important things in a relationship. He swept me off my feet. kind and generous and respecting We are perfect for each other in every way except this area.
have confronted him several times over the years. Tried explaining what sex deprivation causes to a marriage and to a woman. I've cried to him countless times and I've tried setting a sex date. I've tried initating and have gotten rejected more times than I can count.
I never understood what it was. At first (and up until now) I thought he wasn't attracted to me. And then I thought he might be gay. And then I found this forum and got exposed to the term 'asexual'. That hit me hard. Because it means that this situation can't change.
I see people telling their stories of 20-30-40 years of marriage.And it's still there. (I was really hoping this was a faze) but I don't know if I want it if this is the case. I love him so deeply. We have the most amazing connection. Great communication, great humor, good understanding. We support each other and are good listeners to one another. We have amazing plans for the future and the same veiws in life and in general.
But it seems like now would be the right time to make a drastic move before it gets complicated with kids and all.
When trying to talk about it, he usually goes into defence mode. He tells me he doesn't want to talk about it. That it's private and personal. That I need to trust him and that he's working on it. He explained to me that its the stress. Don't get me wrong I can understand if there's a tough time at work period, but it's been stress for 4 years.
And it's not that there is too much to stress over, we're doing well, good jobs, no debts, enjoying life. All is fine.
I don't even miss the sex as much as I miss the affection. I miss the cuddling and the showers together. And the little spanks on the butt while walking around the house naked. And the little kisses every time we meet.
I actually never had these things with him, I used to force the attention in a playful way, but for how long can I beg for affection? it feels patheticI I actually miss it from my last relationship with my ex-boyfriend. That is not something I would want to hear him say..
We don't even make eye contact these days. I'm broken. And resentful. And thirsty. And actually pretty good looking. Strangers hitting on me all day and my own husband won't touch me. irony? if anyone ever knew this was the case, they would be in shock.we look like we're so in love and he always makes sure to hold my hand in public or in front of people
our last conversation about this topic was around 5 months ago. He told me he understands what I'm going through. He went to a doc to see if it's anything medical. Doc says its stress and that its perfectly normal. I don't think H told him for how long this has been going on, and if the doc would still think it's normal after sharing that piece of info with him.
our relationship is everything I've ever wanted . except the sex. and I guess I knew this before the wedding but keep thinking that a marriage is so much more than sex. I realize now that it's a big part of a marriage and actually is what differences a husband from just a friend.
Im depressed. I have come to an understanding that there are basically two options.
1) Therapy. Any kind. To let go of his stress. Yoga, massages, swimming, a shrink. Whatever it takes. And I take the risk in staying for longer and hope for a change. 2) I stay for longer and we find out it's not stress and that he is in fact asexual, and we divorce.
I am petrified. I've been reading your posts for the past 3 days and haven't been able to get a single word out of my mouth.
He is a pessimist so I feel like I should be careful with my words. He's going through a rough patch at the moment at work, I know that. But I'm running out if patience.
It won't be easy sticking around. Every day is painful. Every day is a heartbreak. I sleep away from him intentionally, so I don't get offended when I see him in bed wide awake and on his phone, while not even considering initiating any physical contact. I would rather not spend the weekends with him for the same reasons. I see so many opportunities for some fun physical action and he passes over them like it doesn't even cross his mind. I can't bear it. And can't bear a whole life like this.
I know I need to have this talk with him. But I don't know what to say. Is this an ultimatum? Do I give him a time limit with the therapy (as in- 'let's give it a year and if it works')? I mean I can't wait forever. Do I let him know divorce is on the line?
I've had so many talks with him on this, I need this issue to be taken seriously. A number 1 priority.I want to believe there is still hope.
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Post by stillhopeful on Jul 28, 2019 12:55:52 GMT -5
I honestly don't know where to start.
Hi everyone. So sad to be here but partly greatful to have found this forum.
I'm 28. Been married for 2 years, known H for 4. No kids. I feel like I'm too young to be in this situation. My friends keep telling me about their amazing sex last night.
Never in a million years would I think I would find myself in this position. This issue has actually been going on from day 1. We haven't had sex in over a year now. Not on our wedding night nor our honeymoon. I cried myself to sleep both times. I'm the touchy sticky girlfriend. I can never get enough. I love the attention and the compliments. I live the texts and the romantic gestures. I live for it and I will make a man the happiest person alive for this kind of love.
I just never payed too much attention to it as I was so in love with him while dating. He was the sweetest. A great listener, respecting, kind, generous. Anything you would want in a man. I knew about the unfrequent sex, but always thought that there was so much more to finding a soulmate than sex. Today I understand that great sex and physical affection is the exact border between a husband and a friend.
I have confronted him several times over the years. Tried explaining what sex deprivation causes to a marriage and to a woman. I've cried about this in front of him countless times and I've tried setting a sex date. I've tried initating and have gotten refused more times than I can count.
I never understood what it was. At first (and up until now) I thought he wasn't attracted to me. And then I thought he might be gay. He denied both. And then I found this forum and got exposed to the term 'asexual'. That hit me hard. It's a game changer. It means that this situation can't change.
I see people telling their stories of 20-30-40 years of marriage. Same story, same feelings, same frustration for years. I scared me. I don't know if I want that.
I love him so deeply. We have the most amazing connection. Great communication, great humor, good understanding. We support each other and are good listeners to one another. We have amazing plans for the future.
But it seems like now would be the right time to make a drastic move before it gets complicated with kids and all.
When trying to talk about it, he usually goes into defence mode. He tells me he doesn't want to talk about it. That it's private and personal. That I need to trust him and that he's working on it. He explained to me that its the stress. I can understand if there's a tough time at work period, but it's been stress for 4 years. And looks like it's not going to change
And it's not that there is too much to stress over, we're doing well, good jobs, no depts, enjoying life. All is fine.
I don't even miss the sex as much as I miss the affection. I miss the cuddling and the showers together. And the little spanks on the butt while walking around the house naked. And the little kisses every time we meet. I actually never had these things with him, I miss it from my last relationship with my ex-boyfriend. That is not something I would want to hear him say..
I used to playfully force him into giving me some loving, pounce on him and ask him to tell me he loves me, he would usually just say it and shove me off him. I would laugh and joke about it but how long can I keep begging for attention and satisfy over crumbs? It feels pathetic.
we don't even make eye contact these days. I'm broken. And resentful. And thirsty. And actually pretty good looking. Strangers hitting on me all day and my own husband won't touch me. If anyone ever knew this was the case, they would be in shock. We look like the perfect couple. So in love. He always makes sure to hold my hand around others. No one would ever think.
Our last conversation about this topic was around 5 months ago. He told me he understands what I'm going through. He went to a doc to see if it's anything medical. Doc says its stress and that its perfectly normal. I don't think H told him for how long this has been going on, and if doc would still think that it's normal after that piece of info. I'm depressed. And I'm starting to understand that there are basically two options.
1) Therapy. Any kind. To let go of his stress. Yoga, massages, swimming, a shrink, meditation. Whatever it takes. And I take the risk in staying for longer and hope for a change. 2) I stay for longer and we find out it's not stress and that he is in fact asexual, and I ask for a divorce.
I am petrified. I've been reading your posts for the past 3 days and haven't been able to get a single word out of my mouth. It won't be easy sticking around. Every day is painful. Every day is a heartbreak. I sleep away from him intentionally, so I don't get offended when I see him in bed wide awake and on his phone, while not even considering initiating any physical contact. I would rather not spend the weekends with him for the same reasons. I see so many opportunities for some fun physical action and he passes over them like it doesn't even cross his mind. I can't bear it. And can't bear a whole life like this.
I know I need to have this talk with him and let him know where I stand in this relationship. And what needs to be done. He is a pessimist so I feel like I should be careful with my words. He's going through a rough patch at the moment at work, I know that. But I'm running out if patience.
I don't even know what to say to him. Is this an ultimatum? Do I give him a time limit with the therapy (as in- 'let's give it a year and if it works')? I mean I can't wait forever. Do I let him know divorce is on the line? I've had so many talks with him on this, I need this issue be taken seriously. As much as he doesn't like taking about it. I want to believe there is still hope. And I feel like it's practically up to him
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