Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Mar 30, 2019 19:35:10 GMT -5
Hi š new reader and new member. Iāve been in a SM for about 9 out of my 21 years of marriage. We have three kids together, two of them are in college and one is 11. H and I are great roommates and parent well together. I am feeling pretty lost and Iām not sure what to do, separate, divorce, extramarital associate, stay and be grateful for all I do have and if I want to do anything at all. I do know that without love and affection after all this time I feel like Iām beginning to doubt myself as a woman.....and that feels worse than his rejection. I will continue to read and learn here on this forum and appreciate that I am not alone here. Well, the first step is to try to talk to him. There are some refusers who actually listen. 'Some refusers will actually listen...' Yes, I've been terrified about constantly broaching the subject with my H but have found him to be more interested in working with me to save our marriage, than irritable and pissy every time I open my mouth and say, "can we talk ..." Still a long ways from in the clear, here, but I finally worked up the never to address his porn issue and ... he's still here and no fight ensued. He is trying. Had I not kept pressing the issue and had I not initially began the discussion, I'd still be where I was 2 years ago. Again, we are NOT "fixed" yet, or even at a place of contentment and acceptance in my eyes, but the progress continues and it all started by my facing my fears and speaking up ... with the guidance and support of this forum and all the wonderful people on here, of course. š
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boudinMan
Junior Member
frustrated
Posts: 91
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by boudinMan on Apr 9, 2019 9:49:05 GMT -5
welcome, jenshella.
Hi, i just found this message board and I have been browsing and reading a lot. Iām not sure if I will fit in, but who knows....? Only one way to find out.... Iāve been together with my man for 17 years now and - as I am here - we donāt have sex very often. Like most, I have wondered if I am boring, or not attractive anymore, if he has an affair or if heās gay... But in the end, I just think he isnāt into sex.... And as a lot of newbies, I am also going to state that āexcept for sex it is fineā. There seem to be so many here in abusive relationship it is painful even to read about it. Having to stay due to kids or financial reasons most be horrible.... I donāt have kids and I donāt have big loans and I do have a decent salary.... I donāt have to stay.... But he is nice, polite and caring, tells me he loves me almost every day... He is supportive and happy for me if I do well at something. We have common interests and do stuff together. I can hug him and sit on his lap. But I canāt do anything more sexual then that... I donāt wanna leave him.... I do love him. But I donāt know if I wanna live with having sex 3-5 times a year (and sometimes none, throughout the year) for the rest of my life... Are there people like me here? Or is it only people being abused (but some doesnāt realize it yet....)?
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Post by mitch4445 on Apr 13, 2019 9:33:46 GMT -5
Hi-I'm glad to find this forum. Married 20 years. My wife was sexually abused as a child. Sex wasn't a problem before marriage. We got pregnant 2 months adter marriage, understandably that slowed things down. Our second was born 2 years later. Maybe 2 years after that she was diagnoswd with depression, which never really got an effective treatment. Later,anxiety added itself to the mix, and she eventually,wound up hospitalized twice with mental health issues. Currently diagnosed as suffering from: depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, pmdd and,PTSD. She's currently medicated pretty well, and has underfone therapy for the PTSD. She's abke,to,work again and function. Due to the past abuse, her requirements to be interested in having sex have increased. Due to the abuse, it's now uncomfortable/triggering for her if I initiate. So it's up to her. I will occasionally say "hey, I'd like to...", to which she responds "I'll try to make that happen, ket's shoot for x day." Tyoically, there is an illness of sone,type that delays it another week. Eventually it happens. I've started keeping track to make,sure I'm not just being accusatory. We've had sex 3 times so far this year. When we've discussed it, I have menrioned,I would he open to options other than intercourse to get my needs met. That happened twice last year. (Yes I expressed my gratitude and appreciation.)
Not angry about it anymore, just hurt and disappointed. Not sure how much longer I want to live like this. Left with deciding whether,I staybin,a relationship,that's hurting me, or make a decision tgat's going,to hurt her. Thanks for listening.
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Post by hopingforachange on Apr 13, 2019 11:46:19 GMT -5
Welcome, there are a few here that have spouses that were sexual abused and can offer insight.
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Post by csl on Apr 13, 2019 12:15:14 GMT -5
Not angry about it anymore, just hurt and disappointed. Not sure how much longer I want to live like this. Left with deciding whether,I staybin,a relationship,that's hurting me, or make a decision tgat's going,to hurt her. Thanks for listening. Be sure to tell her this. Yes, it may add to her anxieties, but it may be the fillip she needs to seriously on herself and your marriage.
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Post by DryCreek on Apr 13, 2019 14:26:41 GMT -5
mitch4445, I empathize with your frustration. Regardless of what you think youāll do, you owe it to yourself to have a conversation with a divorce attorney, just to understand the landscape and where you stand. It may or may not influence your thinking, but for sure youāll learn some things you assumed wrongly. In fact, you should ideally chat with 3 of them; in a lot of geographies, the initial conversation is free. For example... being casual about timing your decision will be costly. And even if you donāt do anything near-term, encouraging her to pursue a serious career will be in both of your long-term interests. Bottom-line: get informed.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Apr 13, 2019 22:08:44 GMT -5
mitch4445 Anti depressants can cause low sex drive and inability to orgasm which could add to her disinterest. Some medicines are better than others possibly her doctor could switch some of them.
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Post by javba on Apr 15, 2019 7:53:58 GMT -5
Thanks ladies I am 43 and know that I donāt want to spend this decade like the last. Ive started to see a counselor, but I havenāt yet opened up about my SM. I really feel Iāve passed the point of wanting sex and intimacy from H. I just know that if he came to me for sex tonight Iād not agree. After all this time heās rejected me I canāt even think of being intimate with him anymore. Maybe I am feeling hurt or resentful....hmmm...does that make me the person withholding? I need to start some real conversations with H. I just donāt know if Iām ready for that stress yet. Tad late to your comments - I drift in an out of here. Few thoughts to share. 1. Sooner you can take the bull by the horns faster you understand the direction you need to take. 2. Understand and separate the hit your self confidence has taken due to rejection - and the person you actually are. After years of this - we trend to be in our darkest hours. 3. Work on healthy coping - see if you are using any unhealthy coping skills?
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Post by saarinista on Apr 16, 2019 23:23:45 GMT -5
mitch4445 Anti depressants can cause low sex drive and inability to orgasm which could add to her disinterest. Some medicines are better than others possibly her doctor could switch some of them. Yes, antidepressants can cause those sexual problems. Of course, so can ineffectively treated depression. Catch 22 there. Wellbutrin is known to have a more sexually neutral side effect profile than others. She might ask her doctor about that...as well as having her thyroid checked.
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Post by javba on Apr 30, 2019 12:47:27 GMT -5
Hello! I've been reading through the boards for a few days (but barely made a dent!) and thought it was time I chimed in. A little about me: late 40s, married 25 years to my high school sweetheart. Our love for each other goes deep and spans generations. But there's no physical affection and there hasn't been for some time. That's all I'll reveal for now. I found out about this site on a forum of a different nature. The poster who spoke about it said it was largely a supportive group: people of all different stories with a common thread. After lurking for some time, I agree with the common thread part. I see a lot of armchairing going on, armchair lawyer, doctor, therapist, etc. I'm reluctant to share more for this reason. I have several doctors, a lawyer and a therapist, and I don't need any more. I'm here to talk anonymously to others in the same boat, maybe make a friend or two. Thanks for reading. Mo Hi Mo - thanks for joining us here - You are right there's a lot of arm-chairing. OTOH I find people are "more" considerate than other venues and more consistent as well, in that we are able to talk to same peeps more often. Please share more when you can - life's short :-) is my current understanding of where we're going. No arm-chairing here - just my 2 cents. Hope you've dug yourself out of winter - Adios.
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spencer
Junior Member
I welcome chats - just message me
Posts: 50
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Post by spencer on May 10, 2019 16:51:53 GMT -5
Hello
I'm new here, but not new to SM. From United Kingdom, been married 20 years but never had a satisfactory sex life and last 16 years have been lacking terribly and with each year that passes the more desperate and sad i become.
It is time to go read up on some of the existing threads.
talk later...
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Post by angeleyes65 on May 10, 2019 17:19:27 GMT -5
@ Spencer Welcome you will find a lot of support here. Misery loves company and all that.
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Post by worksforme2 on May 10, 2019 17:41:22 GMT -5
Hello I'm new here, but not new to SM. From United Kingdom, been married 20 years but never had a satisfactory sex life and last 16 years have been lacking terribly and with each year that passes the more desperate and sad i become. It is time to go read up on some of the existing threads. talk later... Welcome spencer. There are several members here from the UK. Put your story on the SM site and I'm you're sure to get some feedback from them.
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sexlessinga
New Member
Georgia married male here. Wife and I are on a once per year (average) rate for the last 10 years.
Posts: 3
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Post by sexlessinga on May 10, 2019 20:52:44 GMT -5
Hi, sexless in ga here. Iāve been reading the various post for weeks now and thought I would join in the fun ...
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firefollower
Full Member
Only you can prevent forest fires
Posts: 154
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by firefollower on May 10, 2019 21:34:31 GMT -5
Hi, sexless in ga here. Iāve been reading the various post for weeks now and thought I would join in the fun ... Welcome sexless in ga.
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