|
Post by cagedadventurer on Dec 4, 2018 23:23:01 GMT -5
I’ve wondered before how often I would truly want sex if I were lucky enough to have a willing partner available every day. And I think I’ve narrowed it down to: it varies. Ha. Some weeks I’d be happy to have it a couple/few times a week, other weeks I want it every day or likely multiple times a day. Usually with me, the more sex I have, the more I want. And I’ve noticed a stark drop in my mood starting on day 3 without sex. So if I had my druthers I’m pretty sure my desire would fall somewhere between every-few-days to fucking-like-rabbits. wow! if this were a dating match game, we'd be 100%!!
|
|
|
Post by cagedadventurer on Sept 21, 2018 8:30:09 GMT -5
He is not my “person”. I have to be okay with someone not being my “person” and never finding that. That is the hard part. Understanding that you cannot control “it”. If you could - are they worth it? My husband is worth it because we share children and history. I don’t share that with anyone else. I admire the clarity of your thinking here JMX. In staying, we accept that there just may be no real "other" answer. We hang onto a hope but still we lose a bit of our souls via the emotional neglect and chunks of it lost from the direct rejections. I really feel your hurt. I at least do the deed 3-4 times per month as long as I initiate but it is more of "keep the status quo" type. I do not think I could manage the no sex at all while being in the same confined space (our house), it just is not natural. With "children and history", we are looking at the pros to help us sidestep thinking of the cons I suppose. Note: the W has been a sport about it since earlier this year but I still get tired of initiating - hence - I love that word - I checked in here this morning.
|
|
|
Post by cagedadventurer on Feb 26, 2018 17:24:33 GMT -5
choosinghappy It won't make a blind bit of difference to the level of sex in your deal whether you tell him you don't want those bullshit pecks, or not. baza I know this. I am changing through all of this introspection. And I'm trying to live more authentically and quite honestly, continuing to live this lie as we have been is just pissing me off now I'm afraid that acknowledging the reality of our situation out loud with him will force this to a conclusion sooner than I will be ready for because I no longer want to work on it with him. I feel that it would be futile. However, it's getting harder and harder to live the lie every day and still keep my integrity. lonelywifey - I thank you for your clarity in this past post. I am in the same spot and your well articulated reflections help remind me not to be too rash. That is the right answer, "There is no benefit..." and you may force a conclusion sooner than you want to. I see this where you hold the cards, you have all the information, you just need to execute on your terms. Status Quo is the best answer. It keeps you in charge. Meanwhile, the rejection is real - I will not pretend. I was weak this morning.......
|
|
|
Post by cagedadventurer on Feb 26, 2018 13:59:46 GMT -5
CSL has this all figured out in the above replies. There is no end to the waiting just a continuation of her playing games with her rules. I have been an avoider for about 2 months now. She was barely receptive this morning so I backed off. She tried that cuddling business as a blow off. But something heraclitus iliasm.org/user/472 stated in another thread “I value my independence and freedom more than my marital relationship (as it is anyway)” struck me as simply genius and a great bridge to have crossed. This is where I am and that phrase defined it so well; therefore I will have sex or I will leave or just stay busy with an AP without the normal remorse. So she took her shower and was getting prepared to leave. I never go in any more while she gets ready. But this morning, I went in and screwed her brains out in our walk-in closet. (And she was into it - it is just so bizarre) But no more waiting.
|
|
|
Post by cagedadventurer on Feb 22, 2018 12:57:32 GMT -5
We all know our mental and emotional health suffers from being in a SM. But do you find your physical health suffering too? I have been sick with one thing or another almost consistently for months. It feels like my immune system is shot and I just can’t get healthy. Normally, I’m a cold-once-or-twice-a-year person. Not these past 6 months. Which, coincidentally, is the same amount of time I stopped living in denial and started really focusing on what to do about my SM. It’s emotionally draining so I could see how it could be manifesting physically as well. Thoughts? Does anyone else find themselves sicker the deeper they get in this SM shithole? I would attest that the answer is a YES, it does affect physical health. There is really no way to feel so dejected and not have it flow over to our physical. I do not stress about much but a SM can be so trying that it becomes more than just emotional. In 2012, it was a mess and I actually came down with shingles - I did not tell the doctor why but I knew why. Since then, I either pressed for sex or I just think of her as a sister and roommate. And with no more denial, the pressure if off.
|
|
|
Post by cagedadventurer on Feb 21, 2018 19:56:45 GMT -5
While counseling is a great move to open communication, unfortinately she has already spoken LOUDLY. 1 retained lingerie 2 masterbation 3 ignores open, honest, heart felt pleas.
Life's too comfortable now and she's just not interested.
|
|
|
Post by cagedadventurer on Feb 21, 2018 19:25:15 GMT -5
Well contrary to what most clueless counselors and sexless partners claim, no matter how awesome you are and how much you help around the house, you still don't and won't get laid. Change to be whomever you think she needs you to be, but to no avail. You're another example of the perfect domesticated husband. I'm sure you not only can take care of household tasks as you state, but could take down a tree one handed with a chainsaw. Regardless of your "manliness" or gentle displays of love, you are platonic live togethers and do not expect reciprocation. I'm typing from my phone so will keep this short. You will need to leave. Just make plans now and make it happen. You'll live and learn about reset sex, false promises, etc.The sooner the better though. But ultimately, this gets no better. It really does not. And I'm truly an optimistic person about life overall. BTW..no kids?
|
|
|
Post by cagedadventurer on Feb 15, 2018 9:46:56 GMT -5
well, at least we got past VD. It's over now. Thank God. yes - Hallelujah! Another one down. I replied (more of an utter) to her H V greeting moments before her heading out the door. Made her quick breakfast to be kind. She placed a small box of chocolates on the table for me after giving 1 of the same for each for the boys. No cards, no fanfare, no dinner out. I grilled steak and some scallops for her- and me of course. On my way home early, I bought YELLOW ROSES. Put them on the counter. She liked them and says oh, "how nice, we are "Friends"." Perfectly appropriate.
|
|
|
Post by cagedadventurer on Feb 9, 2018 16:04:50 GMT -5
I would not marry the same person if I woke up Divorced.
If a Divorce were much easier and would not cost me at the discretion of a judge or a lifetime of alimony, then the current level of difficulty would be too much and I would dash. But as it is, we weigh all the consequences including and especially the kids to conclude the level of difficulty we are willing to take on.
I think Casting Crowns did a great job with song video (link attached-copy and paste into browser) that tells a story that may help some of us here equalize the current SM issue and our efforts to fix it.
or
|
|
|
Post by cagedadventurer on Feb 9, 2018 15:32:25 GMT -5
My last take on this. If he is really trying; Even though the the reality of disappointment may well come to rest at 80%, a time here to allow his efforts to be received and appreciated could be warranted. IF I heard these same words at this juncture, I would take the sex, the dinners, even the awkward attempts at her trying to be otherwise intimate at face value and see where it goes. I would embrace it so she does not feel it is a lost cause and that her efforts deserve reciprocity. If it all fizzles within the typical time period of resets (2-6 months) it appears much clearer in realizing you need to go, separate or mutually agree that it is time to split. And when mutual, the kids don't hold the other responsible.
But again, because they are our spouses, we have the luxury to forgive and grant chances that would be considered ridiculous with any other relationship. Another 6 months of hope, disappointment, healing, who knows for sure but there is really limited downside from here since D. papers have been delivered.
|
|
|
Post by cagedadventurer on Feb 9, 2018 13:00:30 GMT -5
“There is a chance that he would force himself to have sex with you for a while. But if he really doesn't like that, it is nog going to last.” If she wants a mutually pleasurable sexual relationship with a man who desires her, his forcing himself to have sex with her wouldn’t be enough. You are totally correct. He can 'force... it and fake it for a while" That's why I suggest asking him the direct question and make him speak clearly and honestly so even for his sake he does not obligate himself to something he cannot commit to" The raw honesty is needed from his end so surefergirl can make a decision though.
|
|
|
Post by cagedadventurer on Feb 9, 2018 12:42:18 GMT -5
I find myself asking a different question and will ask you all the same - Do you spend more time thinking about what your spouse is, or more time about what he/she isn't? flyingsolo I think this is a great question buried in the responses here. As for me, when I was happier with my H I spent more time thinking about what he WAS (all his good qualities) and overlooking the bad. But now that I am unhappy and frustrated in the marriage I spend more time focusing on what he ISN'T. I'd be willing to bet for those of us in unhappy SMs that is likely more often the case. If you were to try to work on your marriage you'd need to actively try to focus on the good qualities of your spouse. Yes lonelywifey, that is actually a huge help when the focal point is changed. Unfortunately the black cloud of rejection and frustration remain; weighing heavily. So it is difficult to re-focus longterm if the rejection is month upon month year upon year. JMX once stated that maybe we're spoiled as so many other things in life are good. Healthy kids, jobs, no chronic issues, etc. So to focus on those good things can help. But no matter what, the rejection from those who CAN perform vs. a spouse very ill who cannot are very different types of frustrations.
|
|
|
Post by cagedadventurer on Feb 9, 2018 12:18:55 GMT -5
It would be worth it for your own clarity and peace of mind (as you make the decision to try to accept his attempts to reconcile or to just finalize the divorce) to hone in on the singular item of sex. In these two replies, he wrote nearly 600 words but none of those words are "sex". Home in in that one thing only - all the other mentions are a given in a lifetime commitment.
"So Mr.Surfergirl, no matter how difficult the words feel coming out of your mouth, talk to me about how you see sex with me and between us for the next 45 years of this companionship you speak of." .............."No, no, now don't deviate from the question, just answer this one question - but think it through before you speak - but please be clear."
|
|
|
Post by cagedadventurer on Feb 9, 2018 12:05:35 GMT -5
"so much so that the toxic parts of being refused for so long can disappear instantly. The knowledge that there is nothing wrong with YOU must be a very powerful feeling. It can take the edge off the lack of sex in the marriage and the effects that has on the marriage, making the non-sexual activities between the husband and wife more enjoyable. The resentment in the marriage can disappear if one knows that there is someone out there who desires them."
As much as it may go against our "honorable" natures to cheat, under the circumstances having an AP no longer feels like cheating to me. I like the way you frame the IF's here. So If I had an AP match nearby and that relationship did remove the negative effects of my SM, I think it is possible but I think only for a time. Caveat - if one of us is not married, it may not be adequate for long term. But looking down the long term telescope today - change is inevitable regardless. Some great sex in the meantime could do wonders.
|
|
|
Post by cagedadventurer on Feb 8, 2018 11:51:43 GMT -5
Well, on one hand, you received point-blank-blunt honesty from your spouse. (even though, ouch! I am sure it hurt) That is something many here do not ever receive. Tough hand to be dealt - I want to say, still, though, you may have more options than you think. ? I won't be as bold as to say what they are, but your life is still in YOUR hands. I wish you the best, at any rate. Yes, ouch but more-so because it was actually verbalized vs. just portrayed day after day. The words just give amoshart no grievance Ammo later becasue she can just say "I told you". From my experience living through this BECAUSE I have kids, I advise do not have a second child with this woman and you tell her why. Be as clear with her as she was with you. Mine agreed to get help with her issues when I gave her D papers at 5 years in. I was ready and done.Yet I am here in my late 40's. amoshart - your pain will not go away, Another child - as awesome as they are - is more child support later.
|
|