Emotional Blackmail

Yes, I do get the bit about doubting yourself. If someone continuously hammers away at your perception of you you do start doubting yourself.

It's happened to me in my marriage. But, well, I ultimately did not believe it and so I went looking for comfirmation or rebuttal.
I think that is one of the reasons why so many abusive spouses seem so intent on isolating their victims: to remove the possibility
of a reality check, of seeking feedback from others who may be observers yet aren't invested to the same degree and so able to
offer a somewhat detached ('objective') observation.

A victim who has no friends, no support network truly gets lost in the FOG so easily, unless they are exceptionally strong.

When my ex needs something she invariably begins reciting her script of how easy she let me off in our settlement, how she could have gotten so much more but she wanted to be civil and as amicable as possible, so I should show some gratitude and give her X or do Y.

At which point I say I can't trust her because she had some thug follow me around, and went through my personal effects including my truck which was not joint property and oh yes her affair but that wasn't an affair because his penis didn't enter any of her orifices and as for Dick Tracy she doesn't know what I'm talking about. And every time I say I can't trust her she says "Why not?"

The best way to communicate with a narcissist? Don't.

Thank you for this recommendation.  I am going to read this!

If I were to design the education system, instead of learning about parabolas and cosigns we would all get Psych 101 and an instructional manual for recognizing and dealing with people who have personality disorders, depression, mental illness etc. It's EVERYWHERE. The number of hours I wasted trying to understand irrational behavior is incalculable. I wish I knew all of this at 15.

Great article - I've seen much of this covered before but this was a really good summary.

I took plenty of psychology in college. None of it could prepare me for when my wife started hearing voices. The best education I ever received on mental illness came from the NAMI Family to Family class, where family members of the mentally ill taught each other. That class is the only way I survived this long.

There are a lot of takeaways I got from that class

You cannot reason with the seriously mentally ill. Logic does not apply. The voices they hear may not be real, but they are real to them. In order to get them to listen to you, you have to acknowledge their reality first. Only when you can empathize is progress possible. Check out the LEAP method by Xavier Amador - Listen, empathize, agree, and partner.

Drugs work, but only to a degree. Without drugs, the severely mentally ill cannot make any progress. But most psychiatric drugs are like buckshot. They hit their target but they hit a lot of other stuff too. There are lots of side effects, and you sometimes need a cocktail of drugs to get the desired effect. It's a lot of trial and error.

A diagnosis means little. Sometimes they change. Also the diagnosis may not take into account the severity of the illness. I know some schizophrenic and bipolar people who lead normal lives. Others with the same diagnosis can't make it out of the psych ward.

People have the right to be crazy. If the person doesn't want help, there is not much you can do. In order to get someone committed, you must prove that the person is either a threat to himself/herself or others. And if that person gets help and doesn't want to tell you, there is nothing you can do about it. Mental health practitioners are forbidden by law to let you know who their patients are unless they get the patient's written permission. If my wife committed herself to mental hospital and did not tell me, no one at the hospital can even say my wife is a patient there. Compare that to typical medical illnesses where doctors can discuss cases with relatives.

Not enough is done for mental illness. It's not a popular option, and it doesn't bring in lots of money. We closed down a lot of mental hospitals, but nothing has been done to replace them. As a result, many mentally ill are homeless or in jail. We leave it up to the police to deal with our mentally ill, and they are not exactly ideal care takers. Many police do get trained in how to deal with the mentally ill, and it is wonderful training. But an untrained officer dealing with a dangerously delusional person can get himself and the other person killed. It's too much to put on law enforcement officers and the criminal justice system.

Those who live with the mentally ill get very stressed out. It's a horrible cycle of guilt and resentment. First, I feel bad that my wife is sick and guilty about it. Then I lose my patience and get mad at her. Then I feel guilty for getting mad.

Sorry for the long-winded rant, but after dealing with my wife this weekend, I had to let it out.

There is a power of attorney, but especially in Florida, they are very protective of the rights of the mentally ill. One reason is that there was a famous case where parents had their 16-year-old son locked away in the Florida State Mental Hospital in Chatahootchie. The boy was locked up until he was 34 and sued to get his way out. His case went all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court. He was assigned to a doctor who had more than 400 other male patients. To make matters worse, the doctor was not even a psychiatrist. He was a gynecologist, assigned to treat male patients.

Most mental health people would love to be able to talk to the families if they could. But the law is rather strict, and they could be sued for malpractice.