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Post by Neotericgal on Jun 30, 2016 2:38:49 GMT -5
Thank you Drycreek:) This has crossed my mind, but I'm unafraid of restarting with very little. Posessions to me are just that, I can replace them! I'm not 100% there yet though, he still has a bit more time to man up. I am resolved to follow through with my ultimatum if he doesn't because I am realizing that I deserve so much more, and I honestly cant see myself in five years in this exact situation pining for something that will never be there.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2016 7:12:04 GMT -5
Neotericgal , it's great to be non-materialistic, but don't make rash decisions like that, or even discuss them before you talk to an attorney and make a cogent plan. Money doesn't buy happiness or love, but it's really hard to enjoy yourself or be productive if you're destitute.
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Post by baza on Jun 30, 2016 7:47:43 GMT -5
Brother CreelUnion makes a very good point. If you get the nitty gritty off a lawyer in your jurisdiction as to how a divorce would shake out for you, then you can make a FULLY INFORMED choice. - In the light of the factual information, that choice might be to fight like a rabid dog, or to roll over, or something in between. But it is going to be a choice when the time comes, and choice(s) are best made from a position of knowledge of the facts.
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Post by adventura on Jun 30, 2016 7:54:32 GMT -5
Adding my voice to the loud chorus of "take care of yourself financially." I'm non-materialistic too, and what that's added up to is at age 57 I have no savings, no retirement, and my home is in hock up to its full value or slightly more. My employer got rid of its pension plan two years before I hired in, so all I get is a crappy 401k. If I work another 10 years until I'm 67 years old it will have a whopping $45,000 to draw on if the stock market behaves itself. That's not enough to retire on, and neither is social security. There's nothing quite so depressing and frightening as assuming you'll be working until the day you die.
If I were considering giving away the farm in a marital split, I hope I would examine my motives. Am I doing it out of guilt because I want the divorce and my husband doesn't? Am I trying to avoid conflict because something in my personality or my upbringing has trained me to fear other people's anger and/or disapproval? Have I listened to other people's purported horror stories of "the ex took me to the cleaners," or "she's just a gold digger" and decided to be "better" than that so I can believe I'm a good person by other people's standards?
I'm like this (although I'm not married), and I have to constantly work against these impulses, because they're NOT TRUE - they're learned behavior and part of the psychological pattern that keeps me stuck.
Divorces are actually quite straightforward from a legal perspective: state law determines what each spouse has coming to them. In most states it's an equal division of the marital property. That's fair, isn't it? I cannot emphasize enough that you should see an attorney and follow the law in your state, because it's there to protect you.
The emotional side is by far messier for most of us. It helps me to think about a breakup in the larger context of my life's journey to work with and overcome the elements of my personality that are keeping me stuck, and one of them is an overwhelming sense of obligation to others. Another is an overwhelming fear of other people being angry with me, especially men.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2016 9:08:38 GMT -5
Neotericgal, you sound a bit like me in a couple of ways. First, when I realized how sexless we had become (and for me it was the "frog in a pot" scenario), I was deeply hurt. I went through the stages: assuming it was my fault; Talking To Him About It (tm); believing him when he said he would work on his part of the problems; getting frustrated and angry when he didn't do that; lather-rinse-repeat. My ex had and has some legitimate problems; but he didn't stick with the process of actually solving them. And it turned out, I couldn't live that way forever. I could only do it for 3 years, after realizing how bad things had gotten. The other way I'm like you is that I took very little with me when I left. It was partly guilt, and partly a tendency on my part to gnaw my own leg off to get out of a trap. I will second the posters who advised you to work with an attorney to make sure you do this in a way that's fair to yourself. The most interesting thing I'm going through now (almost 6 months after ending the relationship) is that I'm realizing just how much he was shutting me out emotionally. He had put up a wall between us, and my best efforts to scale it or tunnel under it came to nothing.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2016 11:33:16 GMT -5
Adding my voice to the loud chorus of "take care of yourself financially." I'm non-materialistic too, and what that's added up to is at age 57 I have no savings, no retirement, and my home is in hock up to its full value or slightly more. My employer got rid of its pension plan two years before I hired in, so all I get is a crappy 401k. If I work another 10 years until I'm 67 years old it will have a whopping $45,000 to draw on if the stock market behaves itself. That's not enough to retire on, and neither is social security. There's nothing quite so depressing and frightening as assuming you'll be working until the day you die. If I were considering giving away the farm in a marital split, I hope I would examine my motives. Am I doing it out of guilt because I want the divorce and my husband doesn't? Am I trying to avoid conflict because something in my personality or my upbringing has trained me to fear other people's anger and/or disapproval? Have I listened to other people's purported horror stories of "the ex took me to the cleaners," or "she's just a gold digger" and decided to be "better" than that so I can believe I'm a good person by other people's standards? I'm like this (although I'm not married), and I have to constantly work against these impulses, because they're NOT TRUE - they're learned behavior and part of the psychological pattern that keeps me stuck. Divorces are actually quite straightforward from a legal perspective: state law determines what each spouse has coming to them. In most states it's an equal division of the marital property. That's fair, isn't it? I cannot emphasize enough that you should see an attorney and follow the law in your state, because it's there to protect you. The emotional side is by far messier for most of us. It helps me to think about a breakup in the larger context of my life's journey to work with and overcome the elements of my personality that are keeping me stuck, and one of them is an overwhelming sense of obligation to others. Another is an overwhelming fear of other people being angry with me, especially men. Maybe I'm Materialistic (it's not such a bad word to me), but I'd have a hard time enjoying myself with this much insecurity. AND, I'd have a hard time enjoying myself knowing my beloved refuser and nemesis was living with this much insecurity -- even if she chose it. Neotericgal, get the house and dispose of it as you see fit. Your husband will love you for it!
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Post by Neotericgal on Jun 30, 2016 14:45:59 GMT -5
Thank you all so much for your input, it is making me self-reflect/re-evaluate my reasons to basically cut my losses and run.
Smartkat and adventura, I really hadn't looked at it from this perspective (namely where is this going to leave me in 5, 10, 20 years) and part of my motivation was exactly what smartkat said in her post, I do tend to gnaw my leg off to get out of a situation.
Creel and baza, I will see an attorney to find out how specifically how this would shake down.
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sufferinhubby
Junior Member
My marriage is not a tragedy. It's more like a romantic comedy without the romance
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Post by sufferinhubby on Jun 30, 2016 15:03:16 GMT -5
I am sitting here on my tablet as I seem to do almost every night to escape my misery and heartbreak... I know that place well. Too many nights. On the plus side it's how I found ILIASM. I wish you luck dealing with your hubby - at least he seems to be acknowledging his part in the problem and seeing a Dr. Isn't life twisted and ironic how so many of us sit alone at night, tapping away on tablets and phones, longing for intimacy? It would be interesting if this site had an app to show how many other lonely, sexless souls were closeby - also tapping away. We could put our tablets in the laps of our snoring sexless spouses, come together and solve our problems lol!
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Post by ggold on Jun 30, 2016 15:32:32 GMT -5
I am sitting here on my tablet as I seem to do almost every night to escape my misery and heartbreak... I know that place well. Too many nights. On the plus side it's how I found ILIASM. I wish you luck dealing with your hubby - at least he seems to be acknowledging his part in the problem and seeing a Dr. Isn't life twisted and ironic how so many of us sit alone at night, tapping away on tablets and phones, longing for intimacy? It would be interesting if this site had an app to show how many other lonely, sexless souls were closeby - also tapping away. We could put our tablets in the laps of our snoring sexless spouses, come together and solve our problems lol! So true! While he snoozes on the couch I am connecting with other lonley souls. What I wouldn't do to put away the phone and enjoy an intimate, romantic night with a man. :-(.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2016 16:42:44 GMT -5
Neotericgal I don’t really have anything to add to what's already been said here. I just want to know if I can plagiarize your letter, and just replace "gaming friends" with "porn." It's truly a very well-written letter. I wish you nothing but peace, courage and comfort, however you decide to proceed. Hugs.
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Post by Neotericgal on Jun 30, 2016 17:45:45 GMT -5
Neotericgal I don’t really have anything to add to what's already been said here. I just want to know if I can plagiarize your letter, and just replace "gaming friends" with "porn." It's truly a very well-written letter. I wish you nothing but peace, courage and comfort, however you decide to proceed. Hugs. Andie, thank you for your Hug and kind wishes, I do appreciate it! I am thankful that I found this site, everyone has truly helped me to frame my situation in my own mind, and added some perspectives that I simply didn't consider. My wish is for all of us who are suffering in a SM will: a) see our partners experience an epiphany that reminds them of what we should mean to them, b) begin to see our partners put as much into us and our marriages/relationships as we deserve, and offer them, Or c) be willing to let us go so that we can be happy with either ourselves, or someone else who shares our relationship goals.
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Post by wanomad on Jun 30, 2016 18:23:19 GMT -5
Hey mogirl
I did the same thing with my wife as talking about usually ends in her just shutting down or saying she doesn't have time for it.
She's quite happy to go for a run for an hour every day and then spend an hour getting her game face on for the day and for work but hasn't got 30 seconds for a peck on the cheek ( that's all that's offered nowdays )
Before me she had been with a slightly older guy and she said that she left him in the end because he would just sit and play games and would never meet her needs, she said she thought in the end he was gay.
How ironic now I'm the one who plays games because she doesn't want anything to do with me, when I raise the comparison she is very quick to bring up my lack of partners before I met her, I'd only been with a two woman and believe it or not She was the first one I'd ever orgasmed in , she is still the only woman I have ever orgasmed in.
Ive jokingly asked her if she will take my virginity as its been that long that's what it will be like again for me.
Why is it that they just don't care, I want to tell her she is actually the most self centred and selfish person ive ever met but I know somehow she will turn it around to be one more reason not to be intimate .....Again.
Will they ever run out of excuses....just when I think things are looking up I feel she picks a fight just to but some barrier between us again
As always your wishes are my wishes and one day I hope they all come true
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Post by 3000more on Jun 30, 2016 19:07:10 GMT -5
Hey Neotericgal , sorry for your situation. Sounds like it's time to take your husband to your local home improvement store and back to the lumber department. Help him pick out a nice 2x4, then swing it upside his head! Normally, I would say he is depressed, but he says everything is fine. ED? Maybe, but I am doubtful. He just plain doesn't care. He won't even tell you what's wrong. I begged my wife to see a gynecologist, but she wouldn't. I am packing my parachute to make the jump. It sounds like you are well on your way, too. Congratulations on finishing school. You are more than in the right place. This is a great quote, "packing my parachute"
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Post by petrushka on Jul 2, 2016 0:02:57 GMT -5
I'm willing to sign over the house if I can even do that, or let him buy me out for legal costs. Don't do this. You may want a quick exit, but in your desperation to get out you'll make life that much harder to restart. The last thing he deserves is a reward for his bad behavior. Indeed. Let him buy you out at half the equity you have together, but no less. Sage advice.
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Post by petrushka on Jul 2, 2016 0:20:55 GMT -5
Hey mogirl I did the same thing with my wife as talking about usually ends in her just shutting down or saying she doesn't have time for it. She's quite happy to go for a run for an hour every day and then spend an hour getting her game face on for the day and for work but hasn't got 30 seconds for a peck on the cheek ( that's all that's offered nowdays ) Before me she had been with a slightly older guy and she said that she left him in the end because he would just sit and play games and would never meet her needs, she said she thought in the end he was gay. How ironic now I'm the one who plays games because she doesn't want anything to do with me, when I raise the comparison she is very quick to bring up my lack of partners before I met her, I'd only been with a two woman and believe it or not She was the first one I'd ever orgasmed in , she is still the only woman I have ever orgasmed in. Ive jokingly asked her if she will take my virginity as its been that long that's what it will be like again for me. Why is it that they just don't care, I want to tell her she is actually the most self centred and selfish person ive ever met but I know somehow she will turn it around to be one more reason not to be intimate .....Again. Will they ever run out of excuses....just when I think things are looking up I feel she picks a fight just to but some barrier between us again As always your wishes are my wishes and one day I hope they all come true Oh yeah. Seriously: in the end it doesn't matter if they don't love you, if they have their head so far up their own arse that they don't see what they are doing, if they have ED, hormone issues, porn addiction (a frequent excuse for their guy I read from some women here), game addiction, drink and drug problems ... depression, ED or a fungus infection on their left big toe. They can always find time to do what amuses them, they just don't have their partner's needs on the event horizon. They get their needs met, so why should they change, why should they make an effort. in the end it doesn't matter - because there no longer is a we, there's them, who are perfectly content (one has to assume) with the detached 'relationship' and there is us who suffer from the lack of love and intimacy. Oh, and irony .. my wife drove me to my office and gaming too. She then made out I was neglecting her. Well yeah, I was trying to distract myself from the pain. I was trying to dodge the constant passive aggressive accusations of abuse. The funny thing is, she drove her previous husband to gaming too ... and apparently that was a sexless relationship also. All she has to do is walk into the room and I leave the computer be. In the end I laid it out for her, and she's cleaned up her act when I told her that I was deeply unhappy and that this was not the way to go on in my opinion. So in that respect I am one of the very few lucky ones here. Irrespective, I live in a supportive affectionate relationship, yet still sexless, because "it just doesn't work for her any more". And I am not interested in 'dead fish sex', I'm interested in making love, or having love made to me. So I settle for genuine kisses (the other day I got a peck - I asked if she was a chicken or what, I felt hen-pecked: big laugh - no more pecks since), warm hugs, and lots of cuddles in the evening. But, sadly, most dead-beat spouses who get talked about here will NOT be moved, come hell or high water. Feeling guilty about leaving? Feeling like you have to cut them a good deal? Why the heck! WHY? How have they earned it? A relationship is not a one way street. Do you feel guilty about taking measures against that leech that's attached itself to your leg and is sucking your blood?
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