An Article That Explains What Sex Means To Men

Hallelujah!

Good article.

It well captures my sentiments on the matter. These are things I tried to express to my wife over the past two decades. I wish I had this article 10 years ago to give her. (Giving it to her now would imply "if you understand this a 'get' this, all will be better". But I fear any amount of her "coming 'round" will be too little, too late.)

A question to any women who read the article:
- If you are a refused wife: do you share in any/most of the feelings that the article says men have due to sexual refusal? While I feel it captures my sentiments as a man VERY accurately, my hunch is that it is not that far off when the gender roles are reversed.
- If you are a refuser wife: does this article give you pause? Do you earnestly consider that your husband might be feeling this way? Or do you dismiss it as so much fluff: yet another article cajoling women to cater to their husband's "physical needs"?

From a refused wife: regular sex keeps me softer and connected to my partner. It keeps me feminine and emotional. In my job I am required to be in charge and the bedroom is one place where I need to be able to get out of my cerebral side and be purely physical and female. It also clearly separates the relationship from just being roommates to actually being intimate partners. Rejection isn't as key for me but then again I outsourced and that helped with that feeling.

Looking at the list, I have to say *I* need sex for all the same reasons these (good Christian?) husbands do.

-I need sex to feel loved/desired.
-I need sex to feel confident in my sexuality.
-I need sex so as not to feel rejection.
-I need sex so that I don't go into depression from lack of feeling desired.

I guess I feel the need to add that these Christian sex articles always seem to put the onus on the woman to *provide* sex. 'Wife' is not synonymous with 'concubine.' Sex is a 2-way street and I no more need to *provide* sex to H than he does to me. It should be shared, as a covenant of marriage, in the spirit of keeping the relationship sacred and not allowing it to devolve into the dreaded roommate situation too many of us deal with.

That site has an article for refused wives I believe. 

As for the thought of not needing to provide sex statement, I couldn't disagree more. That's exactly the reasoning refusers use(not saying your are a refuser).

Both husband and the wife have a responsibility to meet the other's needs. When they meet these needs, they should do so with love and a enthusiasm.

And I would argue that if any of the refused gentlemen on here are of the mindset that "she oughta be providing," it's a pretty safe bet, there isn't much being provided.  I think expecting it is the beginning of trouble.  It should be freely given and if not, something's amiss and has to be figured out first.

And, no I'm not the refuser.  Bu then, why would I be here if I were?

angryspartan, thanks very much for sharing that article.

I don't know if it would help to share it with W in my situation; I'll have to chew on that.

But, man, it was spot-on.  I think I'm going to go buy the book (used, with shipping, is only $4).  Maybe read it with highlighter in hand before giving it to W.

FWIW, I didn't particularly get the "sex is a duty" vibe from the article.  To the contrary, the author made a point that duty sex was worse than no sex.  My read was that "sex (intimacy) is important", so don't habitually cut it from the list just because it lands at the end of the day - make time for it by cutting elsewhere.

I've tried to make this point to W, that I'm relegated to the crumbs left at the end of the day.  That she runs herself to exhaustion doing senseless shit before coming to bed (often before or after me), and that time with me is not a priority.  Picture a smouldering, burned-out tree stump in a scorched clearing - that's what's left.  (Meanwhile, she's proud of her multi-month streak of spending at least 15 minutes nightly in bed with an educational app, but can't find the same time for her husband.  *That* is a perfect example of fucked up priorities.  And yes, this has been pointed out several times.)