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Post by DryCreek on Jun 21, 2016 11:11:05 GMT -5
cagedtiger, what I hear is personal goals, not obstacles. I'm pretty sure that your wallet won't stay closed during a divorce. You might consider leaving the to-do list for after you see how things shake out. There will *always* be something more; your hole will just get deeper. You can still be generous and helpful as her friend. In fact, that might be an easier transition for her instead of putting a bow on everything, then blowing it up and walking away.
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Post by baza on Jun 21, 2016 20:51:02 GMT -5
cagedtigerQuoting you here Brother ct - "A lot of my "one year plan" actually revolves around our financials. We'll have several things paid off over then next year, the remodels to her house (she bought it before we met and I have no interest in keeping it) will be finished, and a few other things would be easier to cleanly walk away from. Another part of my hesitation for leaving sooner is because I worry about her being on her own; she only really has one or two friends, as others have drifted away, either physically, emotionally, or both. I worry about her being alone, especially as her dog, who's been her constant companion for a long time, is increasingly showing signs that she won't be around forever. I know when the dog dies she'll be absolutely devastated, and I worry about what happens then. Especially if I'm not around" Setting aside the obvious - that you do not have to be married to someone to be a supportive person in their life - this reads like you are trying to assume control over issues that you have no control over. For example "she only really has one or two friends" - this situation is a direct consequence of her past choices (and for all you know, she may be totally cool with that consequence). This is a matter over which you have no control or responsibility. Dogs die. People too. Marriages end. Choices are made, consequences ensue. That's life. Friend, you *could* buy her some "Big Girl Panties" but it is her choice whether she puts them on or not.
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Post by baza on Jun 22, 2016 3:01:43 GMT -5
You've got a great beginning here! I would like to add a part 1a and a part 2 a to this. Part 1 a) in my circles of people there is a lot of private businesses expensive real estate, investments. People get greedy and stubborn. One tries to go for it all, revenge through money and the whole process can leave them far worse off . Secret accounts, money transferred oversees huge unforeseen debt etc....ending up in years of court battles, attorney fees . Part 2a) having children,( lots of them in my case) really affects your mind. You may be okay with separating from your spouse with very little emotion. After all this time there is little emotion left. But there is a wealth of emotion between you and the children. The emotion of the guilt of turning their world upside down is far more than what is involved with just a spouse . It's like divorcing multiple spouses all at once. Interesting observations you make GC. In my circle of people there are also - "private businesses expensive real estate, investments" and suchlike. And, in many cases, not a real lot of equity in them (ie mortgaged up to the hilt). At the end of the day, it is only net assets that matter. - And, I think this issue of divorcing the kids needs closer analysis. I can't imagine you having an ambition to be a dead beat dad, so really, you are talking about 7 different relationships being maintained / restructured (rather than ended) here (6 kids isn't it ?) #1 - the relationship involving you and your missus. A stand alone issue. #2 thru #7 - 6 unique relationships between each of your kids and you. All stand alone issues. - All these relationships are inter-connected, but they are NOT inter-dependent. That is to say, your call to part company with your missus (if you go that way) is not necessarily anything to do with your relationship with kid 5,1,2,3 or 6, or 4. And up to now, I get a vibe that your relationship(s) with the kid(s) is pretty sound. Whatever these relationship(s) with the kid(s) is like today, they are not that likely to change a real lot should the environment change by you not being there 24/7. Obviously there would be some angst in the immediate aftermath (should you divorce) though. |
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Post by JMX on Jun 22, 2016 12:40:11 GMT -5
greatcoastal - I cannot see the cost being more i that situatio than my own. We have nothig but debt. We have to agree on an equitable split of that debt. We can be petty or we can be cool. Same as people dividing assets. If he is petty, I get stuck with that much more debt or, I spend more money on attorneys, etc. to make him split it with me halfway. Bottom line - I would rather divide assets. To be so lucky!
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Post by nyartgal on Jun 22, 2016 14:39:26 GMT -5
Seriously, we have nothing but debt too. What's an asset?  That said, I have an awesome husband now who is super sexy and great in bed, so this is a compromise I can live with. Even though I wonder on a regular basis if we will wind up living in a cardboard box one day... Freedom is worth anything, as far as I'm concerned. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 22, 2016 15:12:53 GMT -5
greatcoastal - I cannot see the cost being more i that situatio than my own. We have nothig but debt. We have to agree on an equitable split of that debt. We can be petty or we can be cool. Same as people dividing assets. If he is petty, I get stuck with that much more debt or, I spend more money on attorneys, etc. to make him split it with me halfway. Bottom line - I would rather divide assets. To be so lucky! My concerns revolve around the assets being " stashed, moved, hidden, re-invested" before the division happens. Then I see the greed going all to the attorney. |
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Post by baza on Jun 22, 2016 22:57:36 GMT -5
Well GC, given your concern about - " assets being stashed, moved, hidden, re-invested" - is something you do NOT presently know.
There may be good reason for your fear, or there may not be.
Commissioning a Forensic Accountant as previously suggested would do a lot to flush out the true picture.
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Meantime, your exit planning needs to be based on what you DO know, and sound legal advice.
You can then refine said exit strategy, adjusting it in light of information as it comes to hand.
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