Why Narcissist husband refuses wife

heelots
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Why Narcissist husband refuses wife Apr 3, 2023 8:20:39 GMT -5 via mobile

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Post by heelots on Apr 3, 2023 8:20:39 GMT -5

Apr 2, 2023 9:30:45 GMT -5 want-to-be-wanted said:

Apr 2, 2023 9:24:31 GMT -5 jim44444 said:

I am getting the feeling that your H is not distressed by his ED.
If he was then he would take the given advice and talk to his doctor. Like ironhamster I find the modern pharmaceuticals to be helpful at times. And sometimes they are just fun.

I have thought, for years, that it was me, something I wasn't doing to his satisfaction or how I look or my weight but, seriously, I am that wife that would do anything to please him in the bedroom and I have been told that my weight and my looks are not nearly as bad as I've always seen myself so, why? I am clean, always try to dress attractively, smell good, not overly perfumed, hair is always kept nice and styled, I am helpful to a fault, I am funny and adventurous ....what can it be?

Well, I know it sure as Hell is not you!

worksforme2
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Why Narcissist husband refuses wife Apr 3, 2023 8:46:39 GMT -5 dallasgia and mirrororchid like this

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Post by worksforme2 on Apr 3, 2023 8:46:39 GMT -5

I don't have much patience for a man who will not try to do what needs doing when it comes to his performance in bed. A little over a decade ago when i recognized my W and I were not very active anymoreI did some quick analysis and I realised I was rarely initiating anymore. So I had my T checked. Turns out it was way way low. Started taking some shots once a week. In a about a month my libido came roaring bank. Unfortunately my then W had pretty much lost her desire due to menapause . We never really recovered from the drop in intimacy and after a couple years of trying every approach and piece of advice I could find, I gave up and began distancing myself from her. Soon after wards we began talking about a divorce.
The fact that your H doesn't even want to consider different medication and that he won't talk to his doctor says volumns about how he views you and the marriage.

Last Edit: Apr 11, 2023 16:29:30 GMT -5 by worksforme2

want-to-be-wanted
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Why Narcissist husband refuses wife Apr 3, 2023 9:16:55 GMT -5 via mobile

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Post by want-to-be-wanted on Apr 3, 2023 9:16:55 GMT -5

Apr 3, 2023 8:20:39 GMT -5 heelots said:

Apr 2, 2023 9:30:45 GMT -5 want-to-be-wanted said:

I have thought, for years, that it was me, something I wasn't doing to his satisfaction or how I look or my weight but, seriously, I am that wife that would do anything to please him in the bedroom and I have been told that my weight and my looks are not nearly as bad as I've always seen myself so, why? I am clean, always try to dress attractively, smell good, not overly perfumed, hair is always kept nice and styled, I am helpful to a fault, I am funny and adventurous ....what can it be?

Well, I know it sure as Hell is not you!

Thank you, Heelots

want-to-be-wanted
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Why Narcissist husband refuses wife Apr 3, 2023 9:17:46 GMT -5 via mobile

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Post by want-to-be-wanted on Apr 3, 2023 9:17:46 GMT -5

Apr 3, 2023 8:46:39 GMT -5 worksforme2 said:

I don't have much patience for a man who will not try to do what needs doing when it comes to his performance in bed. A little over a decade ago when i recognized my W and I were not very active anymoreI did some quick analysis and I realised I was rarely initiating anymore. So I had my T checked. Turns out it was way way low. Started taking some shots once a week. In a about a month my libido came roaring bank. Unfortunately my then W had pretty much lost her desire due to menapause . We never really recovered from the drop in intimacy and after a couple years of trying every approach and piece of advice I could find, I agve up and began distancing myself from her. Soon after wards we began tlak about a divorce.
The fact that your H doesn't even want to consider different medication and that he won't talk to his doctor says volumns about how he views you and the marriage.

Sad, but true

want-to-be-wanted
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Why Narcissist husband refuses wife Apr 3, 2023 9:19:12 GMT -5 via mobile

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Post by want-to-be-wanted on Apr 3, 2023 9:19:12 GMT -5

Apr 2, 2023 17:27:39 GMT -5 jim44444 said:

Apr 2, 2023 9:30:45 GMT -5 want-to-be-wanted said:

I have thought, for years, that it was me, something I wasn't doing to his satisfaction ....what can it be?

It is NOT you. It IS him.

Thank you ... I am baffled

baza
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Why Narcissist husband refuses wife Apr 3, 2023 23:33:46 GMT -5 petrushka, sweetplumeria, and 3 more like this

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Post by baza on Apr 3, 2023 23:33:46 GMT -5

Well, apart from the futility of "why" chasing, the same can be said of "blame" apportioning.

In ILIASM situations who is 'right' or who is 'wrong' doesn't particularly matter, and again it's not a productive area to expend time and energy on.

You might never find out "why" your spouse is as he is.
And you could be as 'right' as right can be about it being predominantly his fault that the situation has turned out as it has.

But neither of these things ("why" chasing or "blame" apportioning) do anything at all to bring the situation to resolution.

That is the frustrating thing about ILIASM situations .... one can be absolutely in the right, but that counts for nothing.

mirrororchid
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Why Narcissist husband refuses wife Apr 4, 2023 6:30:33 GMT -5 petrushka and sweetplumeria like this

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Post by mirrororchid on Apr 4, 2023 6:30:33 GMT -5

Apr 3, 2023 9:19:12 GMT -5 want-to-be-wanted said:

Apr 2, 2023 17:27:39 GMT -5 jim44444 said:

It is NOT you. It IS him.

Thank you ... I am baffled

Baza has it. Why it's happening may never be known and even if you did (you have a decent theory with the meds), would he do anything about it? Apparently not.

The question is, what do you do to fix it?
1) Discover ways to be happy without marital sex? (Stay)
2) Outsource. Secretly, or informing your husband (get legal ducks in a row before trying either one)
3) Divorce.

Have you seen the posts by jerri?
She doted on her husband as she opened her marriage. He tacitly accepted teh new dynamic. (Again, having legal groundwork in place first will prepare for a enraged response. Also, make sure adultery doesn't weaken a divorce settlement prospect. Bad news to have a spouse accept your outsourcing only to cite it to attack you in court. A post-nup may be the remedy there for those in states that want you to divorce, rather than keep your marriage intact, albeit with an unusual construction)

Apocrypha
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Why Narcissist husband refuses wife Apr 4, 2023 13:41:01 GMT -5 sweetplumeria, northstarmom, and 3 more like this

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Post by Apocrypha on Apr 4, 2023 13:41:01 GMT -5

Apr 2, 2023 5:03:49 GMT -5 ironhamster said:

I will never be able to wrap my head around why a man wouldn't seek help to maintain his sex life. Been there. Got right on it. Five years out, it's my choices that keep my sex life amazing.

Because restoring your sex life, when married to someone who you don't like/don't want to have sex with, requires an infidelity on your part.
This may clash with personal value principles and it likely risks spiraling into a divorce if caught.
As everyone on this board knows, finding oneself within an unsatisfying invested and committed relationship doesn't necessarily align all that well with an immediate intention to divorce.

If anyone on this board needs to wrap their head around it, I suspect most of us can think back to a time in which we longed for the relief of not desiring a partner who had presented relentless rejection within the context of a committed monogamous relationship.

If you start with the assumption that both parties are dealing with an uncomfortable truth (one spouse being attracted to a partner who doesn't want them, and one spouse being married to a partner who they dislike, hold in contempt, hold no attraction), then an apparent lack of libido would be seen as a benefit to continuing the married relationship.

Last Edit: Apr 11, 2023 8:11:13 GMT -5 by Apocrypha

petrushka
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Why Narcissist husband refuses wife Apr 6, 2023 8:31:23 GMT -5 tamara68 and dallasgia like this

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Post by petrushka on Apr 6, 2023 8:31:23 GMT -5

Mar 23, 2023 4:58:16 GMT -5 sweetplumeria said:

Interesting talk in relation to our issue...

Frankly, this guy gives me the creeps. He's selling something ...

The thing that immediately came to my mind are the Scientologists and the Lighthouse Cult (the BBC is just doing a series on the latter). He's talking about 'group that sticks together' rah rah rah, and 'call me any time'.

Not everything he says I'd discount as bullshit, but I'd stay away from this guy outside of that. For instance the way he goes on about 'The #1 reason ...' is, well, not factually WRONG, but ...

Not every control freak is a narcissist. Not every narcissist is all about control. The control freak isn't necessarily even all about the other person -- for instance someone who by circumstance

(i.e. their family situation, alcoholic or mentally ill parent, having to take over too early in life, whatever) is primed to become a control freak or co-dependent as the case may be, will have BIG

problems actually surrendering themselves to their feelings and their body in the sex act, giving their sex partner that much control over their body and feelings.

Most controlling people will never arrive at the awareness that that is what's going on with them. And so they deny themselves, and they deny their significant other, their family ...

... so then it leads to conflict of interest and things branch out, could be gaslighting, could be pre-emptive passive aggressive behaviour, could be hypochondria and gods know what else - the result

is: no sex is happening, no intimacy is happening (because they're both too scary, uncomfortable, ...). So.

Not to mention that a lot (if not most) of control freaks and co-dependents are in the main untouched by narcissism and have a completely different agenda.

Just as an example.

The phrase that stuck out 'I can't understand ...'. Well, if he can't, should he presume to fix things for people? (cough, cough)

***

Hey, does anyone remember the video about the broken coke machine? I can't even remember that fellows name, but he wasn't selling anything.

Last Edit: Apr 6, 2023 8:45:43 GMT -5 by petrushka

dallasgia
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Why Narcissist husband refuses wife May 4, 2023 11:05:37 GMT -5 via Tapatalk petrushka, jim44444, and 3 more like this

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Post by dallasgia on May 4, 2023 11:05:37 GMT -5

We are quick to attach “narcissist’ label to folks these days. And, I think I saw somewhere that “gaslighting” was the #1 word for 2022.
That video though, it helped me. Helped me think about the control aspect I suffer under. I tend to just focus on the me parts of this shit show SM - I obsess on where I went wrong. Sometimes, I obsess on the wrongs inflicted on me. But, bottom line - it’s a control issue.
“Not equally yoked “. I appreciate when a “church” person puts words to the fact we do not have to stay in a shit hole marriage.
Thank
You for
Sharing that video. It touched at a good time.
As did all the comments.
Y’all are a life line.

DG

eliz75
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Why Narcissist husband refuses wife May 30, 2023 10:36:17 GMT -5 mirrororchid likes this

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Post by eliz75 on May 30, 2023 10:36:17 GMT -5

I watched the video and considered 2,3,& 4. I honestly never thought about #1. But it almost brought me to tears. I am convinced that my husband is a narcissist as he fits pretty much all I have ever heard or read about them. I do notice when I focus on something other than him, he turns up the love bombing. When I'm focused on him, or don't have a hobby, he seems to not give 2 shits I am here. The problem with all 4 of these, is none of them can be fixed. I have done tons of things, to no avail. I even try to initiate, give more affection, etc. He will gladly accept the affection but the sex never changes. So I am convinced as he said to me recently, he is happy with our life. Too bad I didn't get one of those menopauses where I don't want sex. I am starting to think, that isn't a thing either. I had hoped by having a hysterectomy, forced into to menopause, my sexual appetite would falter, NOPE not even a little, actually it has increased. No more periods, crappy feeling before and after. Just months and months of no sex. I even said to him before my surgery that would mean nothing would be inconveniencing us at anytime. He has had less to do with me than prior to my hysterectomy. FML