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Post by aimless on Sept 14, 2022 8:28:44 GMT -5
I am currently completely blown away. I have been in a sexless marriage for 15 years. In the beginning it was good enough. But very quickly after we got married it went down to almost nothing less than twice a month and after the kids were born only when we had “the talk”. Fast forward 12 years. For the last three years it has been completely sexless. I stopped asking thinking that she would notice. She didn’t. And as we approached the anniversary of the last time we had sex. I hinted at it. I thought this might surprise her However I was the one who was surprised. She responded with the exact date of the last time we had sex as if she was well aware. My whole plan for what I was going to say went out the window. Apparently she is thinking about it but Obviously not in the same way I am. I could not believe that she was well aware of the entire time. That was the end of the conversation. I think I literally had my mouth hanging open. She never brought up the fact that I stopped asking. She never initiated. She thinks a kiss hello and a kiss goodbye are intimacy and she gets mad if I don’t immediately kiss her when I come home or forget to kiss her when I leave. I think those gestures are empty without real intimacy. Prior to this we had followed the pattern of me doing everything I can to initiate intimacy touching kissing hugging cuddling directly talking about our lack of sex asking for more sex and it always ended with the same phrase from my wife….” I know I have to do better” this never actually led to any change we would be intimate maybe a couple of more times the following month but often it wouldn’t even lead to one additional act of intimacy. Never mind intercourse she hasn’t touched me in a sexual way in over three years. I have no intention of leaving her we have two small children and I doubt she is secure enough for an open marriage. It is only slightly comforting to see I am not alone but I am thinking of finding someone on the side just for my own mental health.
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 14, 2022 10:01:49 GMT -5
Greetings, aimless. "Shocked" is a good place to restart your thinking. We ALL start this search loving our spouse, and believing they love us back. She knows she isn't giving you what you need, though. She even knows the last time she did, and doesn't care to improve. Consider your options. First, the legal side. The longer marriages last, the more punative they are for the primary earner, and the easier they are for the primary parent. I had a "long term marriage," and my ex is entitled to 30% of my gross per Illinois law until I retire, and that does not include child support or college education. Consider floating the idea of divorcing but staying to keep the family intact. Keep in mind, the kids are going to know there's a problem, no matter what you do to model what you wish was a healthy relationship. Risk and reward are real. She's weighing her reward of not having sex with her spouse against the risk of ruining the relationship, and she is OK with that. What are you willing to risk? What if you told her that if sex within a marriage isn't important, than logically sex outside a marriage isn't important. If she throws the divorce threat up, then she has confirmed just how little she cares about your well being. But, long answer made short, YES, outsourcing is a viable option. |
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Post by DryCreek on Sept 14, 2022 10:06:22 GMT -5
… it always ended with the same phrase from my wife….” I know I have to do better” this never actually led to any change […] I have no intention of leaving her … In case you didn’t notice the linkage here… Her world is not at risk, so her motivation is optional. She knows your intentions and the financial deterrents if you force a change, and she doesn’t see a consequence for her behavior. Apparently, she chooses to prioritize elsewhere. I’m sorry that you find yourself here, but glad that you found the site. DC |
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Post by winter123 on Sept 14, 2022 10:06:57 GMT -5
I completely sympathise. I get the whole ‘someone can have a low sex drive or no sex drive’ and therefore don’t want to initiate but where are the basics of making someone happy because you can! After all marriage is about compromise, give and take so why should this be any different?
I’ve told my H numerous times that I can only get intimacy from him and that’s what I expected when I agreed to marry him. If the emotionally/sexual part of the marriage wasn’t on the cards for him then we should have just remained friends. It is so unfair of spouses to deny someone something they should be allowed to experience especially if you are a committed faithful person. I feel like I’m in a grieving process but trying to fill my head with positive things and fill up my time with things I enjoy doing which I hope will help.
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cobweb
Junior Member
Posts: 52 
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by cobweb on Sept 14, 2022 10:37:42 GMT -5
She thinks a kiss hello and a kiss goodbye are intimacy and she gets mad if I don’t immediately kiss her when I come home or forget to kiss her when I leave. I think those gestures are empty without real intimacy. Oh this was a big problem for me too! My H always made a big show of kissing me hello/goodbye every time he left or came in - multiple times a day. After 3 years of no sex (and not much before that) I asked him to please stop the sham as I found it really irritating. I told him that without a sex life such gestures are just meaningless and he can just say 'hello/goodbye' in future. A marriage is not a marriage cos you peck someone on the lips 5 times a day.
However, a word of caution, I am somewhat regretful of making this change as we now have no physical contact at all and it would seem odd to even hold hands or hug. I sort of thought it might make him wake up to the situation and make him take action on the bedroom front but I was wrong on that score.
Why were you so surprised that your wife knew how long it had been since you last had sex? Did you think she just never thinks about sex? Do you feel more or less hopeful about the future now you know that she knows that a year has gone by?
My H was in the past apparently surprised about how long it had been since we had last had sex and I am not sure which is better or worse - someone who knows its been a year and does nothing about or someone who doesn't realise! Hmmm something to think about.
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 14, 2022 10:58:27 GMT -5
cobweb, my wife also had no idea how long it had been, and would deny the length of time. I theorized that it was a point of view issue, in that because it was something I enjoyed I remembered the gaps of affection, but because it was emotionally traumatic to her it always felt like the offending action was recent.
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Post by winter123 on Sept 14, 2022 12:06:10 GMT -5
She thinks a kiss hello and a kiss goodbye are intimacy and she gets mad if I don’t immediately kiss her when I come home or forget to kiss her when I leave. I think those gestures are empty without real intimacy. Oh this was a big problem for me too! My H always made a big show of kissing me hello/goodbye every time he left or came in - multiple times a day. After 3 years of no sex (and not much before that) I asked him to please stop the sham as I found it really irritating. I told him that without a sex life such gestures are just meaningless and he can just say 'hello/goodbye' in future. A marriage is not a marriage cos you peck someone on the lips 5 times a day.
However, a word of caution, I am somewhat regretful of making this change as we now have no physical contact at all and it would seem odd to even hold hands or hug. I sort of thought it might make him wake up to the situation and make him take action on the bedroom front but I was wrong on that score.
Why were you so surprised that your wife knew how long it had been since you last had sex? Did you think she just never thinks about sex? Do you feel more or less hopeful about the future now you know that she knows that a year has gone by?
My H was in the past apparently surprised about how long it had been since we had last had sex and I am not sure which is better or worse - someone who knows its been a year and does nothing about or someone who doesn't realise! Hmmm something to think about.
Cobweb - your post really resonates with me as I’ve just told my H to not give me any physical contact. As you say, it’s a sham as all I was getting was a really quick barely touch my lips type kiss when leaving and ohhh nothing when he returned. If we do go out together all he will do is stick his arm out in a loop indicating for me to put my arm through - so no hand holding whatsoever. It’s just pathetic!!! It is really hard for me to comprehend all this because I find physical intimacy is something that connects me to my H and I am someone who wants the fun, spontaneity and passion in that side of my relationship. Whenever I try to kiss my H’s neck he’ll act like a stupid kid and says ‘oh that’s ticklish’. Seriously it infuriates me and I feel like saying ‘grown up!!’ So having said all that I am now experiencing no physical contact whatsoever and my H is choosing to ghost me rather than talk about the issues like an adult should. At this rate his behaviour is such a turn off that it’s probably a good thing he is making me feel like this as it’s harder to feel rejected when you crave that person and right now I can’t stand to look at him let alone be in the same room as him. It’s amazing how someone’s behaviour towards you can really change the way you view them. |
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cobweb
Junior Member
Posts: 52
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by cobweb on Sept 14, 2022 12:47:57 GMT -5
I am sorry you are stuck in the same wasteland of zero physical contact. As a women, I find it really hard to understand why a man doesn't want to have sex. Growing up I had the impression that men always wanted it in marriage and it was the woman who was always trying to get out of it. It is so hard to experience another side of the coin.
And yes my husband was also childish in his response to my attempts to be romantic / affectionate / sexual. The humiliation of slipping into something alluring to be met with giggles and a 'not to night darling'..... it makes my stomach churn to just remember.
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Post by winter123 on Sept 14, 2022 12:57:58 GMT -5
I am sorry you are stuck in the same wasteland of zero physical contact. As a women, I find it really hard to understand why a man doesn't want to have sex. Growing up I had the impression that men always wanted it in marriage and it was the woman who was always trying to get out of it. It is so hard to experience another side of the coin. And yes my husband was also childish in his response to my attempts to be romantic / affectionate / sexual. The humiliation of slipping into something alluring to be met with giggles and a 'not to night darling'..... it makes my stomach churn to just remember. Same, I always thought that men think/want sex way more than a woman. I hate having to bring up the conversation with him as it makes me look desperate and makes me feel cheap…when it shouldn’t. So sorry you’re going through the same 😞 |
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Post by baza on Sept 14, 2022 20:46:55 GMT -5
Imagine - if you can - that you live with a person who you'd like to fuck ... but that person has no desire to fuck you. Such a situation is going to cause a great deal of resentment in both parties. The refusing spouse is going to resent the other persons unwanted approaches to engage sexually. The refused spouse is going to resent the other persons refusals to engage sexually. The situation does no-one - refuser or refused - any good, and inevitably raises resentment levels in both parties. And resentment is toxic in a relationship. It's not necessarily anyones "fault" that this has occurred, so there's not a real lot of point in blaming the other party ... rather it exposes a picture of fundamental incompatibility between the parties. But with the passage of time, and increasing resentment levels, one of the parties will reach breaking point, and at that future time will be considering actions that - today - they may regard as unthinkable. Sorry you are here Brother aimless . Hope you can derive some value out of this group. |
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Post by aimless on Sept 14, 2022 22:59:21 GMT -5
I know it’s crazy but I find myself wishing she has an affair. Then it’s not me for sure. I already know academically it’s not me but I feel like I would be totally off the hook. It would also be the only thing that could make me leave. I find myself thinking strange thoughts like “maybe she’s a closeted lesbian” and would be happier with a woman. I tell myself I would be supportive if that was the case. Your mind can really go to weird places.
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Shocked!
Sept 14, 2022 23:01:22 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by aimless on Sept 14, 2022 23:01:22 GMT -5
Also I know it’s just a stereotype but I can’t believe how many women are also in a sm. I always just pictured the stereotypical sex drive differential.
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Post by baza on Sept 15, 2022 3:16:07 GMT -5
A couple of points (drawn on 10+ years) Brother aimless . #1 - there is very little gender bias in this group. The ILIASM situations are pretty evenly spread. #2 - it is possible to chew up a whole lot of time and effort in what is termed here as "why chasing". That is to say trying endlessly to figure out "why" your spouse is as they are. |
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Shocked!
Sept 15, 2022 7:51:22 GMT -5
via mobile
cmac likes this
Post by aimless on Sept 15, 2022 7:51:22 GMT -5
I think the worst part about it is that I can’t even talk to her about it. There’s no outlet for me to express my frustration because she feels judged and is defensive. And I am resentful that I have to end up apologizing all the time because she ends up crying. And because I have a generally optimistic and positive outlook, and I naturally get over things quickly she thinks everything is fine if she can just wait a day. That has led to us not even talking about it in years.
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Post by aimless on Sept 15, 2022 7:57:14 GMT -5
However, a word of caution, I am somewhat regretful of making this change as we now have no physical contact at all and it would seem odd to even hold hands or hug. I sort of thought it might make him wake up to the situation and make him take action on the bedroom front but I was wrong on that score. REPLY (sorry not sure how to quote and not appear in the same text box) That is an interesting point. I was thinking of calling her out on it the next time we actually had a conversation about this but it is the only form of affection we actually have. She never holds my hand (that I don’t initiate) she never is the big spoon in bed, she never absentmindedly strokes my head, or kisses me, or lays on me. Those pecks are all I really have. I feel pathetic just writing this. |
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