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Post by winter123 on Sept 15, 2022 10:06:13 GMT -5
So had the ‘reset’ talk with H this afternoon. I gave him some stats around the number of times we have been intimate over the past two years. He knew it wasn’t much but was genuinely shocked that it was at less than 10% a year. At the end of the conversation he would like to aim for once a week and build from there.
I’ve given him some questions that I want him to answer honestly for himself and for me so we can both better understand the situation ie does he enjoy sex, how often he would like it, what makes him uncomfortable displaying affection m, what I can do to support him etc etc.
He is going to have a think about all the points we raised and we are going to reconvene the topic in a couple of days.
Not holding out for much but some improved communication and talking about the issues at hand is definitely a start.
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Post by deadzone75 on Sept 15, 2022 12:36:59 GMT -5
So had the ‘reset’ talk with H this afternoon. I gave him some stats around the number of times we have been intimate over the past two years. He knew it wasn’t much but was genuinely shocked that it was at less than 10% a year. At the end of the conversation he would like to aim for once a week and build from there. I’ve given him some questions that I want him to answer honestly for himself and for me so we can both better understand the situation ie does he enjoy sex, how often he would like it, what makes him uncomfortable displaying affection m, what I can do to support him etc etc. He is going to have a think about all the points we raised and we are going to reconvene the topic in a couple of days. Not holding out for much but some improved communication and talking about the issues at hand is definitely a start. My apologies for sounding short in this post, but there isn't much refusers do or say that doesn't highly offend me these days. When I was in my SM, I had "the talks", and I tried to compromise over and over and over for over a decade and a half. Looking back, I get even angrier now. There is no "aiming" when it comes to having sex. You just do it. You should want to do it. I guarantee when he looks at his porn he isn't "aiming" for any number of fwaps; he just does it because he likes it, because he wants to. There is nothing he needs to "think" about that he can't answer right now. He doesn't like sex with you, or he'd be doing it right now. My W didn't want to have sex with me. She loved me, was "great" in all other areas except that one basic need. At least that was what I told myself for years when the reality is withholding sex is one of the cruelest forms of neglect. Hell, the least they could do is try to help you get laid since they don't want to touch you anyway. Everyone would win. One more thing...if he comes back with ANYTHING that makes him uncomfortable in displaying affection with you, he's a double asshole. I know, he'll speak gently, pretend to be shocked at how often he doesn't touch you, but make no mistake--he knows, and he doesn't care. In fact, he can't wait until the talk is firmly behind you both so he can resume ignoring you in the bedroom. J |
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Post by winter123 on Sept 15, 2022 12:55:35 GMT -5
So had the ‘reset’ talk with H this afternoon. I gave him some stats around the number of times we have been intimate over the past two years. He knew it wasn’t much but was genuinely shocked that it was at less than 10% a year. At the end of the conversation he would like to aim for once a week and build from there. I’ve given him some questions that I want him to answer honestly for himself and for me so we can both better understand the situation ie does he enjoy sex, how often he would like it, what makes him uncomfortable displaying affection m, what I can do to support him etc etc. He is going to have a think about all the points we raised and we are going to reconvene the topic in a couple of days. Not holding out for much but some improved communication and talking about the issues at hand is definitely a start. My apologies for sounding short in this post, but there isn't much refusers do or say that doesn't highly offend me these days. When I was in my SM, I had "the talks", and I tried to compromise over and over and over for over a decade and a half. Looking back, I get even angrier now. There is no "aiming" when it comes to having sex. You just do it. You should want to do it. I guarantee when he looks at his porn he isn't "aiming" for any number of fwaps; he just does it because he likes it, because he wants to. There is nothing he needs to "think" about that he can't answer right now. He doesn't like sex with you, or he'd be doing it right now. My W didn't want to have sex with me. She loved me, was "great" in all other areas except that one basic need. At least that was what I told myself for years when the reality is withholding sex is one of the cruelest forms of neglect. Hell, the least they could do is try to help you get laid since they don't want to touch you anyway. Everyone would win. One more thing...if he comes back with ANYTHING that makes him uncomfortable in displaying affection with you, he's a double asshole. I know, he'll speak gently, pretend to be shocked at how often he doesn't touch you, but make no mistake--he knows, and he doesn't care. In fact, he can't wait until the talk is firmly behind you both so he can resume ignoring you in the bedroom. J Thanks Deadzone for your honesty and points….I agree with everything you’ve said. Like I said I’m not holding out for much. |
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Post by baza on Sept 15, 2022 21:13:30 GMT -5
At the moment Sister winter123 , you have the initiative. Likely, your spouse will take the ostrich approach, stick his head back in the sand, and wait you out. If that's what happens, it is very important that you have a back up plan to maintain the initiative. In these ILIASM situations, it usually falls on you to drive the matter to resolution. Don't expect much - if any - co-operation from your spouse, in fact he may take a position of covertly trying to sabotage your efforts. |
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Stuck
Sept 16, 2022 6:15:09 GMT -5
Post by mirrororchid on Sept 16, 2022 6:15:09 GMT -5
As I read your descriptions of his behaviors I wondered if maybe he could be on the Autism spectrum. He may not be able to recognize the visual clues that most people pick up on. Your getting 'glammed up' is just a different outfit in his eyes until he processes other stimuli and then he intellectually formats a compliment. But no matter what is driving his libido and relationship style you cannot fix or change him. You can only change your response to the relationship. Had the same thought! winter123 , I'm loving hearing about your direct communication and his agreeable reception (even if you're skeptical about his follow through.) I enjoyed this NPR Podcast for its own sake. It's about a wife realizing her husband has Asperger's, and never knew it and how they make it work, and how he adapted. Your husband's response to your "reset talk" strikes me as analytical. Trying to nail down emotional needs with numbers. Even if your husband isn't autistic, the podcast story may give you insight to his occasionally oblivious behavior? www.npr.org/2012/02/03/146342668/best-practices-learning-to-live-with-aspergersPersonal connection through thoughtful observation (You look nice.) was something our hero trained himself in. It's not the same as a ordinary person sensitive to social cues performs without thinking, but his wife found it good enough and the effort is an unquestioned sign of devotion. Well now, look at that! Found a site with the diagnostic questions the story opens with, along with how often a "Yes" correlates with Autism. (Asperger's recently has been seen as related to "high-functioning autism") www.rdos.net/eng/aspeval/autism.htm |
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Stuck
Sept 16, 2022 12:36:34 GMT -5
via mobile
jim44444 likes this
Post by winter123 on Sept 16, 2022 12:36:34 GMT -5
Just to confirm and clarify that my H doesn’t have aspergers syndrome nor is he on the autistic spectrum.
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 17, 2022 0:22:07 GMT -5
worksforme2: "And yet, for most of our refuser's, acceptance of another person into the relationship for the express purpose of intimacy is something few of them will countenance."
Makes sense to me. They fear that if their partner started getting sex elsewhere, the partner might decide to leave their spouse for their sex partner.
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