dallasgia
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Post by dallasgia on Aug 5, 2022 20:13:33 GMT -5
I’m looking for your “ f you” moment. Or, your leaving quietly moment. How, what, where, when? How did you know you had reached your breaking point. What was the scene? What did you say. What was said back? Any regrets on the other side? Words of wisdom?
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Post by misssunnybunny on Aug 6, 2022 12:01:44 GMT -5
For me, there wasn't one big, F you moment, just several conversations that led to the end. We tried counseling and it didn't work, and then there was a final "I'm done" conversation from me. I tried and tried to explain what it was like to live in what had basically turned into a roommate situation, not a marriage, and he didn't get it at all. He was happy and content, and thought that meant I was too. After that "I'm done" conversation, I moved into a separate bedroom as we went through mediation for the divorce. During that time I found a new place to live and we split finances, etc.
The scariest part was saying I wanted a divorce (I had to say it on two separate occasions, the first time he didn't believe me). I knew I was done after years of trying, hoping, conversations where my feelings were shut down and ignored. I really knew things had to change was when I was wishing he was dead, and when I had retreated into a dark place and turned into a person I did not recognize. I knew then I needed out before it all destroyed me.
I have ZERO regrets that I left. I've been out almost a decade and it was the best decision I could have made for myself. I took time to stay in therapy and work on my own issues, and slowly started to become me again. I waited a while to even think about dating, and it took a while to want to get back out there to find someone new (eventually I did, and we are a much better match, very happy now!)
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 6, 2022 16:46:52 GMT -5
I tried and tried to explain what it was like to live in what had basically turned into a roommate situation, not a marriage, and he didn't get it at all. He was happy and content, and thought that meant I was too. This seems so typical of low-conflict situations… one spouse craves a richer relationship, but the other one is on cruise control and completely deaf to their spouse’s complaints because they’re happy enough. I struggle to understand that behavior, even though I’ve lived it - it seems very selfish and low-effort. But also lacks the “F U” catalyst to be that defining “I’m done” moment. Yeah… when you think life would be better if they were dead, that’s probably a strong clue to GTFO. DC
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dallasgia
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Post by dallasgia on Aug 6, 2022 17:20:58 GMT -5
😂 I must confess those same thoughts
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Post by misssunnybunny on Aug 6, 2022 19:54:05 GMT -5
Those dark thoughts and feelings were horrible to have, and not my finest moments, haha. I’m thankful for the support of this group when I was in the thick of it and working on leaving, and very happy I had the courage and strength to stand up for myself and leave.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 6, 2022 20:04:24 GMT -5
There was no scene. My big moment was learning that my state, Florida, was a community property state and half our debts and money would be mine in case of a divorce. I also realized my husband was likely having an affair (something that ended up being true. At age 61, he even thought he had a 2-year-old. DNA tests I included in our divorce settlement proved the child isnt his.).
Learning I wouldn't be left destitute gave me the courage to divorce. When I asked for a divorce, that's when he revealed his affair and the child he thought he'd fathered. He also acquiesed -- easily -- to the divorce. He wanted out. I wanted out. There was no blow-up or vindictiveness. We were both happy to let go of a marriage that no longer worked for either of us. I didn't pursue a vindictive divorce. Neither did he. The settlement was fair to both of us.
I didn't discover ILIASM until about 2 weeks after my divorce was final. If I'd been as fortunate as most of those here and had discovered it during my marriage, I would have gotten out quicker. The advice here is priceless.
And I've never-- not one time -- regretted my divorce.I have an amiable FB relationship with my ex, who now lives on a different continent and has remarried (not to the scammer whose child he thought he'd fathered). I wish him well. At 71, I'm 9 years out of my marriage and am living a happy life and the same appears true for him.
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Post by baza on Aug 6, 2022 21:54:53 GMT -5
No horror story here either.
I got my legal advice in about 2005 and had an exit plan of sorts worked out by 2007 ... but I didn't move on it. Rather, I took an attitude of "if it gets any worse I can always leave" Well, it got worse - way worse - in late 2009, and I left.
There were a couple of 'lively' conversations in the lead up, but they served only to harden my resolve to get out.
There was no "big" moment, it was more a case of unresolved / unresolvable shit accruing into a stinking pile that eventually could no longer be ignored.
Over time my ex-wife and I developed a new relationship - as appropriate to two individuals once married but no longer, and co-parents of two adult children.
We didn't end up enemies.
Unfortunately she suffered a heart attack in 2015 and died, very suddenly. I'm glad we had 'made the peace' by then.
Regrets about leaving ??
One minor regret, that I didn't do it earlier.
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Post by shamwow on Aug 7, 2022 8:05:08 GMT -5
So mine was a bit extreme. I ride a motorcycle (mainly on weekends for enjoyment and relaxation). During my SM it was kind of my therapy.
There was a particular stretch of road with nice twisties out in the woods. Things had gotten so bad that I'd picked out the tree I was going to crash into. It was in a spot where it would simply look like I missed the turn and lost control.
I passed this spot several times over several months and one day had a revelation... I can just leave. It's a bit embarrassing I didn't come to that conclusion earlier but I'd always thought that a failed marriage was the ultimate failure... I was mortified about what people would think of me. I mean, I'm leaving because of no sex? What kind of asshole am I to do that?
From that point I very quietly made my exit plan. As I went through the process of preparing it dawned on me I wasn't leaving just because of no sex. I was leaving because I was in a shitty lifelong commitment with someone who treated me like crap and wasn't honoring her end of the commitment.
Looking back in the mirror 5 years, I can't believe I let that situation get me so low and my only regret is not leaving earlier.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Aug 7, 2022 11:17:06 GMT -5
The final I'm going to leave click in my brain was when I realized he was not going to change , I really didn't care anymore and I was so angry with him for the life he was depriving me of. I had been working my exit plan but couldn't step off that cliff. When that epiphany hit me. I decided I was going to rent an apartment in April, leave as soon as I could get in and tell him no more than 2 weeks before I moved. Trying to avoid manipulation. The F you moment came when I was getting an oil change he followed me so we could eat lunch while the work got done. He asked me if I liked his hair longee (I didn't he knew I didn't) anyway he said I want you to be happy. And I totally just lost my shit. ( I had been telling him for years I was unhappy) anyway I just blurted out where have you been I haven't been happy in years. And he asked what he could do to fix it. Which is a joke since we have had that conversation a million times with no change I told him nothing. I'm moving out. I knew I should have played it off like an angry outburst but I just couldn't he made my life miserable until I moved out. So miserable and stressful I think it caused me to have a stroke but that is just my opinion. My only regret is giving him that much time to torture me. I should be kept my mouth shut or moved my time line up. And not doing this years earlier. But I'm living my best life. No regrets on the getting out.
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Post by worksforme2 on Aug 7, 2022 13:37:54 GMT -5
I'm sort of a no drama guy. I don't remember how many conversations I initiated telling my spouse how unhappy I was and how things simply could not continue as they had in the past. I finally ask her to allow me a FWB, promising to keep it discrete. We would continue as a seemingly happy couple, and she would no longer have to find excuses to avoid having sex with me. She promised to change and did for roughly 3 months (probably the 4th reset) and then returned to refusing. That was it for me. I saw an attorney, found out I would be just fine (moneywise) following a divorce. So I took off my ring and started distancing from her. She noticed after a week or so and removed her rings. We then agreed to separate and divorce. The rest is history. In retrospect, it was interesting she made no effort to apologize for her behavior and still to this day I don't think she understands how the marriage ended up in the ditch. We cohabitated for the next 4 months or so while she house hunted (I helped her) We are like acquaintances or people who used to be neighbors. we treat each other civilly. We even date every now and then, taking in a movie or a meal.
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Post by sadkat on Aug 7, 2022 23:20:49 GMT -5
misssunnybunny- boy, do I recognize the dark place and turning into someone I didn't recognize bit! Looking back, even though I recognized it, I didn't realize how bad it was. In my darkets moments, I also briefly thought about how much easier things would be if he were to die. It's not something I am proud of. I clearly remember a blowout that happened the summer before I made the decision that I needed to leave. As usual, it was over his family and his singular focus on them (besides the porn). Through therapy, I realized that his family became a bigger issue for me as the years went by because I was craving the love that he so freely gave to them but refused to give me. It was a very painful time for me. I also had to repeatedly tell him I wanted out of the marriage. He refused to believe me for months. I finally got through to him. After that, he cooperated fully and we are still amicable today. I am happier today than I've been for a long time. Most importantly, I am slowly turning back into the person I was all those years ago; recognizing the good and accepting the not so good. My confidence has grown as I've branched out on my own and discovered new things. I have no regrets.
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Post by mirrororchid on Aug 9, 2022 6:18:45 GMT -5
I finally ask[ed] her to allow me a FWB, ...She promised to change and did for roughly 3 months... then returned to refusing. That was it for me. I saw an attorney, found out I would be just fine (moneywise) following a divorce. So I took off my ring and started distancing from her. ... We cohabitated for the next 4 months or so while she house hunted (I helped her) We are like acquaintances or people who used to be neighbors. we treat each other civilly. We even date every now and then, taking in a movie or a meal. This strikes me as the "leaving quietly" option. Take your ring off. No words. Real quiet. I was similar, but I was quietly leaving monogamy, not my marriage. I tested the waters of online dating, telling OKcupid I lived 51 miles NorthEast of a family friend who was also on OKcupid. Figured her search results would miss me outside a 50 mile radius. Didn't have to follow through, but that was what the commitment to action looked like. Four months prior to that had been "The Talk", which felt more like an eff you moment. Her failure to meaningfully respond inspired the quiet near-leaving.
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Post by worksforme2 on Aug 9, 2022 6:49:33 GMT -5
I finally ask[ed] her to allow me a FWB, ...She promised to change and did for roughly 3 months... then returned to refusing. That was it for me. I saw an attorney, found out I would be just fine (moneywise) following a divorce. So I took off my ring and started distancing from her. ... We cohabitated for the next 4 months or so while she house hunted (I helped her) We are like acquaintances or people who used to be neighbors. we treat each other civilly. We even date every now and then, taking in a movie or a meal. This strikes me as the "leaving quietly" option. Take your ring off. No words. Real quiet. I was similar, but I was quietly leaving monogamy, not my marriage. I tested the waters of online dating, telling OKcupid I lived 51 miles NorthEast of a family friend who was also on OKcupid. Figured her search results would miss me outside a 50 mile radius. Didn't have to follow through, but that was what the commitment to action looked like. Four months prior to that had been "The Talk", which felt more like an eff you moment. Her failure to meaningfully respond inspired the quiet near-leaving. My actions weren't intended as a quietly leaving moment. My actions and my intent were to take a course that might allow the appearance of a marriage to continue. Although I didn't realize it at the time we were simply cohabitating. The marriage had a number of positive aspects for the both of us and I did my best to keep it going. I was quietly leaving celibacy. If she had gone along with the FWB who knows how much longer we might have stayed together. It wasn't until the 3 month reset collapsed that I finally realized she really was just doing the minimum to keep me around. Perhaps I erred in being so accepting of her behavior. Perhaps a session of angry cursing might have gotten through, but that sort of behavior just wasn't me. Distancing myself (no hugs, no kissing, no touching, no un-necessary conversation), proved more than she could handle. She saw a lawyer and we talked about how we would go about separating.
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dallasgia
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Post by dallasgia on Aug 9, 2022 7:55:01 GMT -5
Were any of you around when the spouse was served the papers?
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Post by TMD on Aug 9, 2022 14:09:54 GMT -5
Things had gotten so bad that I'd picked out the tree I was going to crash into. It was in a spot where it would simply look like I missed the turn and lost control. I passed this spot several times over several months and one day had a revelation... I can just leave. It's a bit embarrassing I didn't come to that conclusion earlier but I'd always thought that a failed marriage was the ultimate failure... I was mortified about what people would think of me. I mean, I'm leaving because of no sex? What kind of asshole am I to do that? lI can't believe I let that situation get me so low and my only regret is not leaving earlier. Like @missunnybunny and shamwow, can’t believe how dark things got. I contemplated suicide, too. Scared myself into therapy. While leaving my STBX has been a slow burn, 2022 has caused things to speed up. We are reasonable as we navigate the change (he moves out at beginning of September) and being decent coparents for our kids. Like baz, my only regret is not having done it sooner.
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