A Good Leave

For me, there wasn't one big, F you moment, just several conversations that led to the end. We tried counseling and it didn't work, and then there was a final "I'm done" conversation from me. I tried and tried to explain what it was like to live in what had basically turned into a roommate situation, not a marriage, and he didn't get it at all. He was happy and content, and thought that meant I was too. After that "I'm done" conversation, I moved into a separate bedroom as we went through mediation for the divorce. During that time I found a new place to live and we split finances, etc.

The scariest part was saying I wanted a divorce (I had to say it on two separate occasions, the first time he didn't believe me). I knew I was done after years of trying, hoping, conversations where my feelings were shut down and ignored. I really knew things had to change was when I was wishing he was dead, and when I had retreated into a dark place and turned into a person I did not recognize. I knew then I needed out before it all destroyed me.

I have ZERO regrets that I left. I've been out almost a decade and it was the best decision I could have made for myself. I took time to stay in therapy and work on my own issues, and slowly started to become me again. I waited a while to even think about dating, and it took a while to want to get back out there to find someone new (eventually I did, and we are a much better match, very happy now!)

😂 I must confess those same thoughts

There was no scene. My big moment was learning that my state, Florida, was a community property state and half our debts and money would be mine in case of a divorce. I also realized my husband was likely having an affair (something that ended up being true. At age 61, he even thought he had a 2-year-old. DNA tests I included in our divorce settlement proved the child isnt his.).

Learning I wouldn't be left destitute gave me the courage to divorce. When I asked for a divorce, that's when he revealed his affair and the child he thought he'd fathered. He also acquiesed -- easily -- to the divorce. He wanted out. I wanted out. There was no blow-up or vindictiveness. We were both happy to let go of a marriage that no longer worked for either of us. I didn't pursue a vindictive divorce. Neither did he. The settlement was fair to both of us.

I didn't discover ILIASM until about 2 weeks after my divorce was final. If I'd been as fortunate as most of those here and had discovered it during my marriage, I would have gotten out quicker. The advice here is priceless.

And I've never-- not one time -- regretted my divorce.I have an amiable FB relationship with my ex, who now lives on a different continent and has remarried (not to the scammer whose child he thought he'd fathered). I wish him well. At 71, I'm 9 years out of my marriage and am living a happy life and the same appears true for him.

So mine was a bit extreme. I ride a motorcycle (mainly on weekends for enjoyment and relaxation). During my SM it was kind of my therapy.

There was a particular stretch of road with nice twisties out in the woods. Things had gotten so bad that I'd picked out the tree I was going to crash into. It was in a spot where it would simply look like I missed the turn and lost control.

I passed this spot several times over several months and one day had a revelation... I can just leave. It's a bit embarrassing I didn't come to that conclusion earlier but I'd always thought that a failed marriage was the ultimate failure... I was mortified about what people would think of me. I mean, I'm leaving because of no sex? What kind of asshole am I to do that?

From that point I very quietly made my exit plan. As I went through the process of preparing it dawned on me I wasn't leaving just because of no sex. I was leaving because I was in a shitty lifelong commitment with someone who treated me like crap and wasn't honoring her end of the commitment.

Looking back in the mirror 5 years, I can't believe I let that situation get me so low and my only regret is not leaving earlier.

I'm sort of a no drama guy. I don't remember how many conversations I initiated telling my spouse how unhappy I was and how things simply could not continue as they had in the past. I finally ask her to allow me a FWB, promising to keep it discrete. We would continue as a seemingly happy couple, and she would no longer have to find excuses to avoid having sex with me. She promised to change and did for roughly 3 months (probably the 4th reset) and then returned to refusing. That was it for me. I saw an attorney, found out I would be just fine (moneywise) following a divorce. So I took off my ring and started distancing from her. She noticed after a week or so and removed her rings. We then agreed to separate and divorce. The rest is history.
In retrospect, it was interesting she made no effort to apologize for her behavior and still to this day I don't think she understands how the marriage ended up in the ditch.
We cohabitated for the next 4 months or so while she house hunted (I helped her) We are like acquaintances or people who used to be neighbors. we treat each other civilly. We even date every now and then, taking in a movie or a meal.

This strikes me as the "leaving quietly" option. Take your ring off. No words. Real quiet.

I was similar, but I was quietly leaving monogamy, not my marriage.
I tested the waters of online dating, telling OKcupid  I lived 51 miles NorthEast of a family friend who was also on OKcupid. Figured her search results would miss me outside a 50 mile radius.

Didn't have to follow through, but that was what the commitment to action looked like.

Four months prior to that had been "The Talk", which felt more like an eff you moment. Her failure to meaningfully respond inspired the quiet near-leaving.

Were any of you around when the spouse was served the papers?