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Post by givingupsoon on Jul 4, 2022 8:32:33 GMT -5
Hello,
I am in a sexless marriage and feel extremely frustrated. My husband had (maybe still does) a serious porn addiction and claims that he has stopped for over a year now—yet our sex life is non-existent unless I cry, scream, or plead for it. Pity sex is no longer working for me and I am absolutely exhausted from trying to get my husband to desire me.
I am desperate and I feel as if this is my last resort before I pull the plug. We have tried a therapist in the past, but he had lied to them about his porn usage and actually tried to make me seem as though I was crazy for accusing him of doing it…and of course…he was!
I’m very lonely. If I do remain in the marriage, I think it would only work if I had an affair. I’m not the cheating type, so I’m struggling with where my head is at right now. We had another blow out about it again this morning. He tells me “let’s work on it” but he never does. Then when I get frustrated, it’s back to him blaming the earth, the moon, and the stars not aligning perfectly so I feel like it’s never going to happen. And, sadly, I’m right.
Any help or advice would be much appreciated.
Thanks for allowing me to vent. I’m too embarrassed to share this with any of my friends. They all know me as an extremely passionate and loving person and not the “settling type” of woman. The towel is about to be thrown and maybe I’m looking for someone to talk me off the ledge? Maybe…I don’t even know anymore.
*I should probably add how, just this morning during our argument about not having sex, I told him that he always had an interest when it came to his porn, but nothing with me. He then told me that my comment would send him back at least a week to refrain from being intimate with me.
This just seems so wrong to me.
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Post by jim44444 on Jul 4, 2022 17:25:50 GMT -5
... He then told me that my comment would send him back at least a week to refrain from being intimate with me. This just seems so wrong to me. So according to your husband if you express your feelings it is your fault that he cannot fuck you. Or to paraphrase - if you tell him what you need then he must punish you. You stated . I would suggest that you stop it. Your misery is what fuels him. Your misery is his drug. Stop feeding his ego. You should see a lawyer to determine how a divorce will work in your jurisdiction. Then form an exit plan. And maybe change from givingupsoon to something positive like forginganewlife.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 4, 2022 17:28:55 GMT -5
welcome to the forum givingupsoon. If you have been reading here very long, then you know there are basically 3 paths those of us here will likely be taking. Stay and basically do nothing. Stay and outsource (with or without the knowledge of your spouse). Leave. There are some slight variations but these 3 are basically it. We all have experienced the frustration you are feeling now. And many of us have found ourselves being gaslighted with our spouses telling us what we know to be true, really isn't. like many of us you have been conditioned to view sex outside your marriage as cheating. But it really isn't. How can you cheat someone out of something they don't want and for the most part, already thrown away? You have already learned his procrastinating and saying he'll work on it is just another way of stalling, so he can avoid something he finds undesirable. Your description of his actions is classic textbook behavior for a refuser. One piece of advice I will give you is "don't let him put the onus of this on you, it's really on him". You don't give your ages or the length of the marriage and how long it has been sexless. Take a hard look at what you are seeing now, because that is what you will be seeing going forward if you do nothing.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jul 4, 2022 18:31:27 GMT -5
I’m very lonely. If I do remain in the marriage, I think it would only work if I had an affair. I’m not the cheating type, so I’m struggling with where my head is at right now. ... ...Any help or advice would be much appreciated. ... The towel is about to be thrown and maybe I’m looking for someone to talk me off the ledge? Maybe…I don’t even know anymore. ...I told him that he always had an interest when it came to his porn, but nothing with me. He then told me that my comment would send him back at least a week to refrain from being intimate with me. This just seems so wrong to me. Jim44444 had a controlling motive for this absurd blame boomerang. I'm as happy to attribute fear and desperation. He smells your tolerance wearing thin, is afraid of losing you and is seeking to use guilt as a stalling tactic. Either motive can be dismissed. He wasn't going to be "in the mood" whether you pointed out his robust solitaire libido or not. "Cheating": is defined by many (especially refusers!) as sex with anyone other than your spouse. There is a less strict definition where "cheating" requires secrecy. The refusing spouse thinks their refused spouse is "faithful" when they are not. The deception adds a layer of immorality to the extramarital sex. ILIASM member jerri more or less informed her husband she'd be getting sex elsewhere if he didn't step up, but she did it with patience and amping up the kinds of spousal attention he liked; the other four "love languages": gifts of service, affirmation, tangible gifts, and quality time. The fifth lovelanguage, touch, she'd get elsewhere cuz it just wasn't a love language they shared. The " SEARCH" link at the top of this ILIASM forum page may help you find Jerri's entries and maybe hers is a route you're willing to take. Another member, named baza , will advise you to make sure you are prepared for divorce in case your refusing husband decides to file first. Some states consider even disclosed affairs to be just cause and may hurt you for child custody or financial consideration if divorce happens. If you are in a no-fault state, it may matter less, but a single visit to a lawyer to check where things stand might be best. Knowledge isn't execution. FWIW, while turning sexless marriages around doesn't happen often, the refused wives' chances have been notably better than the refused husbands. Stick around, maybe see what others have done, see what resonates, feel free to bounce thoughts or ides off of us. Are there good things worth keeping the marriage for that having a sexual partner and your husband would be an acceptable (good?) outcome
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Post by givingupsoon on Jul 4, 2022 18:39:32 GMT -5
I’m 52 and he is 55. We’ve been together for 5 1/2 years, married for 4 of them. After we married…straight downhill. I have already spoken with an attorney and I would be fine financially so it’s not why I’ve been sticking it out.
I guess I just don’t want a failed marriage but this is just insane! I feel as though my self esteem has been pummeled. I felt great about myself before our marriage. Now, not so much, although nothing physically about me has changed. I just never thought I’d be in this situation. I’m a woman that actually has a very healthy sexual appetite…but yet, I am literally starving.
I appreciate your responses and advice. I do believe that I have given him way too much power over me. My desire to keep it all together is tearing me apart. He will tell me things like, “I will never trust anyone again because of what he’s done, and that I will always have relationship problems with anyone I meet and best not to end the marriage. Next guy may be worse.”
At times, I believe him, and then I think that I would not want to put someone else through my new bag of issues (that I did NOT have before all of this), so best to stay in this nightmare.
It’s so dysfunctional and I second guess myself with everything now.
I think I just needed someone to reassure me that I have a right to feel like I do. And for that, I thank you all.
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Post by baza on Jul 4, 2022 18:43:46 GMT -5
It might be smart to abandon your tactic of trying to "make him desire you". That hasn't worked so far and is highly unlikely to do so in the future either. The cheating option is a very adventurous path, full of uncontrollable twists and turns, often ending in the disintegration of the marriage in any event. If you are going down this path it would be smart to treat it like a dress rehearsal for ending the marriage, as that is probably going to be the destination anyway. My suggestion for you Sister givingupsoon , would be - - See a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you - From that information start putting a theoretical exit strategy - Shore up your support network - Research everything you can find to assist your kids (if any) through such an event In short, take ownership of the situation, concentrating on you and your future rather than him and your past. Now if you do that, you put yourself in the drivers seat. You might end up choosing to enact your theoretical exit strategy, or you might not. But what you will have done is to create an alternative to staying.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 4, 2022 19:09:12 GMT -5
I was married 34 years, and the last 8 years of which had been completely sexless. Things had gotten so bad that even if I tried to cuddle with my sleeping husband, he'd move to the bed's edge so close he could have fallen out. There also had been other completely sexless times in my marriage, up to 5 straight years. Marital counseling didn't help.
Best thing I did was to get out. I realized I'd rather be single forever than to remain in an airless, sexless marriage. It ended up that when I asked for a divorce, that's what he wanted, too. So, at age 61, I got a divorce and now to my surprise have been 9 years in a relationship with a wonderful man whom I love and who loves me the way I like to be loved. However, even if I were single and sexless now, I'd be happier than being married to a man who could barely bring himself to touch me.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 4, 2022 19:56:30 GMT -5
In addition to jerri I would recommend reading baseballgirls posts. Like jerri she was able to keep her marriage and all its perks and have a FWB alongside. All with the knowledge of her H. And before you go the FWB route you might send both jerri and baseballgirl a private message asking just how they went about it.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 4, 2022 22:01:44 GMT -5
A serious porn addiction? Stopped for over a year? Non existant sex life? The moon and the stars must align? It sounds like there is 0% chance of recovery. Maybe, maybe, with years of therapy, but even then.... highly unlikely. thefederalist.com/2019/12/11/what-its-like-to-be-married-to-a-porn-addict/I'm no psychologist but have read about this issue on this forum. A porn addict will never be satisfied with the real thing, they are addicted to a fantasy....it's much easier, no commitment, no work, no risk, no fear of rejection, etc... and it most likely does not satisfy him, it can take hours for what should take minutes. It's not you, it's him. He also has narcissistic behavior. Lots of blame shifting and gas lighting, DARVO.( he shred his cred long ago) You deserve much better treatment and don't be fooled by the concept of "at 52 yrs old no man wants me. All the good men are gone. All men are scum. There are no good men anymore. Who needs a man!?" ( much of that nonsense is from people who have commitment issues. You may be experiencing some of that, and rightly so. Your commitment to your husband was run over like a tank, used and discarded. I'm sorry you are going through this....truly. The key word is "through". Continue to not give up on yourself! Ask for mentorship and counselling, you deserve it! And another man will cherish your respect and gratitude for something that comes very natural to him, giving you the intimacy, sex, respect, trust and communication that you rightly deserve and offer back in return!
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Post by sadkat on Jul 4, 2022 22:15:42 GMT -5
Hello, I am in a sexless marriage and feel extremely frustrated. My husband had (maybe still does) a serious porn addiction and claims that he has stopped for over a year now—yet our sex life is non-existent unless I cry, scream, or plead for it. Pity sex is no longer working for me and I am absolutely exhausted from trying to get my husband to desire me. I am desperate and I feel as if this is my last resort before I pull the plug. We have tried a therapist in the past, but he had lied to them about his porn usage and actually tried to make me seem as though I was crazy for accusing him of doing it…and of course…he was! I’m very lonely. If I do remain in the marriage, I think it would only work if I had an affair. I’m not the cheating type, so I’m struggling with where my head is at right now. We had another blow out about it again this morning. He tells me “let’s work on it” but he never does. Then when I get frustrated, it’s back to him blaming the earth, the moon, and the stars not aligning perfectly so I feel like it’s never going to happen. And, sadly, I’m right. Any help or advice would be much appreciated. Thanks for allowing me to vent. I’m too embarrassed to share this with any of my friends. They all know me as an extremely passionate and loving person and not the “settling type” of woman. The towel is about to be thrown and maybe I’m looking for someone to talk me off the ledge? Maybe…I don’t even know anymore. *I should probably add how, just this morning during our argument about not having sex, I told him that he always had an interest when it came to his porn, but nothing with me. He then told me that my comment would send him back at least a week to refrain from being intimate with me. This just seems so wrong to me. Hello givingupsoon. I am sorry for the reason you find yourself here but welcome all the same. I too am a product of a failed marriage with a parter who was addicted to porn. Regardless of whether or not you stay, you cannot deny that the marriage has failed. If you are not getting what you need from it, then it has failed. I was in my marriage for 26 years, 20 of which were completely sexless. I did the affair route- twice- but found my emotions to be too tangled up with sex to make me feel any better. In fact, it made me feel much worse. So, I went the abstinence route for 15 long years. It changed me completely. I became a person I didn't even recognize. Each time I tried to talk to my spouse about the issue, he'd stonewalled me or completely ignored me. Or he'd promise me that he would "stop the porn". He never did- just got better at hiding it. These guys... they string you along with "hope" until there is nothing left. The sad truth is that he no longer considers you a sexual partner. I finally left my 26 year marriage 3 years ago. It has been a journey- one of self discovery, a significant amount of anxiety, pain, and joy. I've grown stronger every year. Despite all of this, I am grateful I am out of a marriage that served as a continual reminder that I wasn't good enough and wasn't wanted. I am not going to lie and tell you that leaving will be easy. It will definitely not be. But you are only 4 years into a failed marriage; I think your chances at finding happiness are pretty good. I've posted a lot about my journey here. If you'd like to learn more, please look at my profile. If you need to talk via PM, I am always available.
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Post by deadzone75 on Jul 5, 2022 0:07:26 GMT -5
Hello, I am in a sexless marriage and feel extremely frustrated. My husband had (maybe still does) a serious porn addiction and claims that he has stopped for over a year now—yet our sex life is non-existent unless I cry, scream, or plead for it. Pity sex is no longer working for me and I am absolutely exhausted from trying to get my husband to desire me. I am desperate and I feel as if this is my last resort before I pull the plug. We have tried a therapist in the past, but he had lied to them about his porn usage and actually tried to make me seem as though I was crazy for accusing him of doing it…and of course…he was! I’m very lonely. If I do remain in the marriage, I think it would only work if I had an affair. I’m not the cheating type, so I’m struggling with where my head is at right now. We had another blow out about it again this morning. He tells me “let’s work on it” but he never does. Then when I get frustrated, it’s back to him blaming the earth, the moon, and the stars not aligning perfectly so I feel like it’s never going to happen. And, sadly, I’m right. Any help or advice would be much appreciated. Thanks for allowing me to vent. I’m too embarrassed to share this with any of my friends. They all know me as an extremely passionate and loving person and not the “settling type” of woman. The towel is about to be thrown and maybe I’m looking for someone to talk me off the ledge? Maybe…I don’t even know anymore. *I should probably add how, just this morning during our argument about not having sex, I told him that he always had an interest when it came to his porn, but nothing with me. He then told me that my comment would send him back at least a week to refrain from being intimate with me. This just seems so wrong to me. Welcome, and sorry you find yourself here. You'll not find many here who will try to talk you off that ledge. That ledge is a springboard to a better life. Of course, standing on it feels like you are 120 stories up looking down at your fate. But to come off the ledge is to just put up with more of the same. I can't talk, though...I was ultimately pushed off the ledge. I fear I'd still be on it if I hadn't. I hope you'll find some comfort here. Lots of wisdom in here, from lots of good people.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Jul 5, 2022 18:38:18 GMT -5
Hello, I am in a sexless marriage and feel extremely frustrated. My husband had (maybe still does) a serious porn addiction and claims that he has stopped for over a year now—yet our sex life is non-existent unless I cry, scream, or plead for it. Pity sex is no longer working for me and I am absolutely exhausted from trying to get my husband to desire me. I am desperate and I feel as if this is my last resort before I pull the plug. We have tried a therapist in the past, but he had lied to them about his porn usage and actually tried to make me seem as though I was crazy for accusing him of doing it…and of course…he was! I’m very lonely. If I do remain in the marriage, I think it would only work if I had an affair. I’m not the cheating type, so I’m struggling with where my head is at right now. We had another blow out about it again this morning. He tells me “let’s work on it” but he never does. Then when I get frustrated, it’s back to him blaming the earth, the moon, and the stars not aligning perfectly so I feel like it’s never going to happen. And, sadly, I’m right. Any help or advice would be much appreciated. Thanks for allowing me to vent. I’m too embarrassed to share this with any of my friends. They all know me as an extremely passionate and loving person and not the “settling type” of woman. The towel is about to be thrown and maybe I’m looking for someone to talk me off the ledge? Maybe…I don’t even know anymore. *I should probably add how, just this morning during our argument about not having sex, I told him that he always had an interest when it came to his porn, but nothing with me. He then told me that my comment would send him back at least a week to refrain from being intimate with me. This just seems so wrong to me. I think we may have been married to the same man lol. Porn addiction, lying , taking no responsibility. I won't bore you with the full story but I will say I do not regret leaving at all. He was draining the life right out of me. Even when you give up begging and fighting about it still does something to your soul *I just seen your edit.. it seems wrong because it is. I know mine is a narcissist basically will blame any one or anything. It's all mind games.
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Post by givingupsoon on Jul 6, 2022 9:09:03 GMT -5
First of all, I deeply appreciate all of the support and sound advice. Secondly, I gave myself one last chance last night to see if it’s as bad as I believe it to be, so I literally threw everything I had at him. Dressed damn sexy, did some “special” things to encourage a physical interaction and…nada.
I told him this morning that I am outsourcing the sexual part of our marriage and he told me that I was being annoying and that we should keep working on it.
I didn’t argue with him. I told him, matter of factly, there was nothing more that I could possibly do to “work on it”, especially after my efforts last night. I am positive that any other man on the planet would not have hesitated—but whatever. I have officially stopped caring.
Today, is the first day that I am actively taking back my own sexuality and needs, and I guess I’ll see where that goes for me.
I wont be looking for it, but I won’t look away moving forward either. I’m an attractive woman and I know that if I put out a vibe that I am receptive to an affair, I I will get one.
My youngest daughter has two years left of college, and I will stick it out until then, but I am convinced that I need to make an exit strategy now.
I am tired of my self esteem suffering. This is now a “him” problem. Thanks again to everyone for allowing me to voice my frustration.
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 6, 2022 17:07:31 GMT -5
IMHO, a spouse is entitled to ‘first right of refusal’. If they choose to waive that right, they are not entitled to exclusivity.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jul 6, 2022 17:26:08 GMT -5
First of all, I deeply appreciate all of the support and sound advice. Secondly, I gave myself one last chance last night to see if it’s as bad as I believe it to be, so I literally threw everything I had at him. Dressed damn sexy, did some “special” things to encourage a physical interaction and…nada. I told him this morning that I am outsourcing the sexual part of our marriage and he told me that I was being annoying and that we should keep working on it. I didn’t argue with him. I told him, matter of factly, there was nothing more that I could possibly do to “work on it”, especially after my efforts last night. I am positive that any other man on the planet would not have hesitated—but whatever. I have officially stopped caring. Today, is the first day that I am actively taking back my own sexuality and needs, and I guess I’ll see where that goes for me. I wont be looking for it, but I won’t look away moving forward either. I’m an attractive woman and I know that if I put out a vibe that I am receptive to an affair, I I will get one. My youngest daughter has two years left of college, and I will stick it out until then, but I am convinced that I need to make an exit strategy now. I am tired of my self esteem suffering. This is now a “him” problem. Thanks again to everyone for allowing me to voice my frustration. Two questions:
Does "adultery" (quotes because the word is meant without condemnation and, frankly, shouldn't be used in your case, but it's the legal term) affect divorce proceedings in your state? Some spouses push their refused partners to the limit hoping to produce "cause" for divorce and it changes the math on settlements. Bear in mind he may not wait the two years. Are there positive aspects to your marriage? How does he do at the other four "love languages"? Is he a good roommate? Those can be valuable in their own right, even if they don't sleep with you. If he's a bad roommate too, well, maybe the two years should be a pretty hard deadline. FWIW, almost every reversal I can remember involved credible "threat" to open the marriage. Nothing else gets taken seriously. Annoying. That's rich.
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