Closet heterosexual and keeping up the lie

I am new on this forum and I didn't know that there was a forum like this in the first place. I also didn't know that I am not the only one in a loveless/sexless marriage. I did seek a therapist and he said to go to this forum. I am responding to mishy. My Wife gets really mad when I bring up that I would like to have hugs, touch, and especially sex. I think that I am stuck because I really don't want divorce but I also can't live without love and sex. I feel that it is helpful that I am not alone in this predicament. 

Welcome and I am sorry you find yourself here agman.  Unfortunately there are many of us who understand your predicament all too well.  I stayed in a sexless marriage for over a decade and spent over 20 years with my STBX.  Interesting that your wife gets mad when you express your need for affection and intimacy.  Imagine that.  You tell your spouse what you need to be happy and feel loved and they basically tell you to piss off.  What's that say about how your spouse really feels about you my friend?  Assuming you have approached her many times like an adult to discuss your intimacy situation and not from a position of anger, her response is pretty telling.  She is perfectly content in your marriage without physical (and potentially emotional) intimacy.  Out of curiosity, do you both work outside the home or does she stay home with kids?  I wonder what she'd say if you told her your were going to look elsewhere to get your needs for affection met (and no, I am not encouraging you to do so as it adds a whole other level of complications for you) or were considering filing for divorce?  I did the marriage counseling and therapy route for over four years.  In the end, I found I was working on myself (counseling did honestly help me deal with a few issues and I think made me a way better person emotionally) and trying to work on my marriage, but my wife had already made up her mind and sex and intimacy with me wasn't on her radar.  Our relationship actually got worse, not better while we were in counseling.  I asked her if we could go see another counselor as I didn't feel ours was working with regard to our marriage.  She said no.  That was the beginning of the end as I realized I was still fighting for our marriage and she was not.  After that "ah ha" moment, my decision was much easier to make as she had essentially shown me her cards.

In the end, I got tired of chasing "whys" to try to understand why she wasn't interested in intimacy with me.  I weighed my options over the period of about two years.  I asked myself what I was getting out of my marriage and the honest answer was "nothing".  I was miserable without affection and intimacy and had been for several years.  I ultimately decided that life was too short to live in a sexless marriage and that I deserved a better one full of love and intimacy with someone who valued the same thing.   I filed for divorce early this year and it was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.  It is hard to go that route and a very difficult decision for sure, especially after 20 years with someone and kids in my case, but I can tell you that there is light at the end of my tunnel.  You can, and will, find someone else if that's what you are looking for.  Knowing that I am on my way out of this sexless marriage situation is wonderful, even with the temporary hell I have to walk through for the divorce and custody process.  I initially didn't want a divorce either, but I did the hard work and realized that was the only way I was going to get out of the situation.  She wasn't going to change and wasn't suddenly going to decide she valued intimacy with me again.

I ready a study once that found that stress takes nine years off your life and costs about $750,000 in lost earnings on average.  That was an eye opener.  Do you want to live nine years less in a sexless marriage than you could in a happy one full of love, intimacy and sex?  Start thinking about getting your ducks in a row agman.  Time is not your friend in this process.  The longer you wait, the longer your marriage, the higher and longer the alimony, etc.  It generally doesn't cost anything to go see an attorney to discuss your situation.  Most will do the first meeting on a complimentary basis.  That doesn't mean you have to file for divorce, but at least you can start weighing your options while having all the facts.  

I write all this because I've been where you are.  Without some serious soul searching, your wife isn't going to change and you will live in a sexless marriage indefinitely if you don't stand up for yourself and your needs.  At a minimum, start looking at your options.  This doesn't cost you anything other than your time.  Ask yourself if this is how you want to live the rest of your life.  I would be happy to share my experience if you have any questions.

Thanks Flying solo.
I haven't filed for divorce for many reasons. For instance, I have religious reasons for not getting a divorce but I will divorce if I feel that it is best. Second, it is really fun to go on vacation with my wife and teenage children. 3rd, I am in my 50's and have a few health problems and my wife is really good at caring for me at the hospital. (She is studying to be an RN). So, to answer your question, flying solo, she is going to school. 4th, is that she made me promise that I won't divorce her until she gets her RN so that she can support herself. My wife is just 50 and I suspect that she is going through menopause. This might mess with her mind especially in areas such as sex. I like to go out to dinner with her and the kids too. We have a good friend relationship but it stops there. I should come to a good happy place until the 2 years is up when she has her schooling is completed. Oh, and I really am struggling with the fact of finding a new woman while we are married. This is because of my faith as well. 

Did the therapist send you specifically to ILIASM.org? Nice vote of confidence!

Flyingsolo talks about the sex entreaties in anger. I'll also add that a complaining tone is often highly unsuccessful.
For that matter, almost no tone works without drastic changes of some kind.

Sometimes marriages decay into a state of co-dependency.
A husband provides enormous support, wife is unhappy, he tries to do more, she seems unappreciative, he gets frustrated.
OR
A husband needs support, is forced to ask a lot. Then asks for sex on top of it.

If you wife is nursing you, the latter seems like a possible fit?

While it doesn't explicitly say so, the dynamic shift discussed on Dads Starting Over may provide some advice on how to change your life around no matter how the marriage goes to improve things, get ready for your next girlfriend/wife, or not worry so much about the sex.
The podcasts are free, but he charges for his books and social group forum and zoom meetings. The podcasts are solid in themselves.

DSO barely touches on outsourcing (incompletely referred to as "cheating" by some, often the refusers that cause so much of it). The DSO crowd is a "my way or the highway" kind of bunch.
If opening your marriage seems like a better option, ILIASM members jerri and I may have some feedback.

If the podcasts work for you, ILIASM has its own unofficial podcast *REFUSED* at iliasm.org/post/132489. Many of the podcasts are written by ILIASM member csl , who is a "stick it through" Christian guy who may resonate with you. When you quail at the idea of having a lover besides your wife, I'd point out that the wisest man who ever lived, or possibly could live, King Solomon, had many wives. If God disapproves of polygamy so much why did the wisest man alive, blessed with that wisdom from God himself have more than one lover? There must be some reason for it being not just okay, but the correct choice. Perhaps to avoid divorce? Or make it clear to the wife that sexual needs are an inseparable part of marriage (see Genesis 2:24,Matthew 19:4–6, Mark 10:6-9), and if it doesn't happen with a first marriage, there needs to be another and if there is to be no other, it must happen within the first. 

While not a devout Christian, I have a nagging sense of honor about my wedding vows that made polyamory a preferable way to retain most of my vows and you may decide the same. Once forced celibacy was off the table, I found it much easier to love, honor, and cherish my wife. Spoiler alert: In the end, she broke the celibacy and polygamy was not needed...yet. So, YMMV.

Flyingsolo beat our own Jiminy Cricket, "Baza", to the punch in suggesting that you consider consulting with a divorce lawyer to get an idea what divorcing would entail in order to better decide how desirable/unwanted it is. Some point out that your wife can always pull that trigger first, and just checking in about the subject may brace you for impact.

In consulting legal counsel and/or building a life outside your marriage (even if you stay in it), you are taking an active role in your future.  That is enormously helpful for the morale and makes LIASM feel a lot less hopeless. Heck, you realized how uplifting just educating yourself was! Just think what it'd be like starting on the fix.

To be frank Brother agman , on the information you have divulged thus far, it looks like your missus has plans of her own.

That being for you to bankroll her whilst she gets her qualifications, and then for her to give you the arse.

See a lawyer agman - as in "yesterday" - the first consultation is usually free.

You are going to get dudded bigtime the way this is shaping up.

For newbies -
This underlines the need for you to know your position financially, and your spouses financial situation, and the joint situation.
Any married person needs to know this information.

$60 per paycheck?
That's pretty generous of her.

Oh, wait. It's not YOUR paycheck is it?
Aren't YOU giving HER an allowance of YOUR paycheck minus $60?

And if you set up a bank account with your allowance as a deposit, and switch your direct deposit to it, then set up an automatic transfer to the account you share for the same amount, why should she complain?
It's the same $60.

Or is it the idea that she wouldn't control the money that's actually important, not the amount?

Might be an interesting question.
No. Not might. Would.

She'd get mad?
And you're not allowed to be mad you get $60 per check?
How were these decisions about entitlement to emotions made?

It's YOUR paycheck. You choose to share it.
I think it behooves you to demonstrate this to be the truth.
Heck, transfer all but $50.
She gets MORE money to play with.
Is she still unhappy?

I think a bull in Mallorca can see the red flag I'm seeing in front of your eyes, that's how big it is.