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Post by isthisit on Nov 16, 2020 16:37:29 GMT -5
Last week my wife and I had a pretty good row (not physical, just an argument that got deeper than the normal spat). It occurred to me that not only has my marriage never included "make up sex", my wife is uninterested in any reconciliation at all. The issue was that we had our final home inspection, it's been under construction for 13 months and I'm the contractor and a lot of the labor. There were a few corrections, nitpicky stuff but my wife blew up and began to question whether I knew what I was doing, did I ask the right questions of the inspector, etc. I answered with an equally snarky reply. So, fast forward about six hours, I sent a text. "I understand you have nothing left in the tank. It was selfish of me to reply the way I did. You have every right to feel the way you feel, including being upset with me". I've developed a habit of not saying the word "sorry" because my wife doesn't ever apologize. OK, not quite true, I can remember a couple times in a 32 year relationship. Anyway. There's never a reconciliation. We just ignore what occurred and go back to the usual dealing with the details of life. It's just so un-marriage like. No sitting together, no kisses any longer (not even pecks), no sexual contact in over a year, no actual PIV sex in two years. Not good. Do you all feel that the loss of physical intimacy has also impacted that there's no common ground to come back together? How do you manage to reconcile? So you built a whole house, and W got shitty about a few snags? Honestly? No wonder you did not apologise, she’s got a bloody cheek. Just an alternative perspective for you to consider: think about the sum total of tasks and decisions involved in building a home from scratch. Now consider what proportion of those made it to the snag list. And she questioned if you knew what you were doing? Will you be giving her a key to this property? Back on topic, my ex-H never apologised. Partly this was because he never listened, and as such didn’t consider what I was saying and thus, apologies were never required. He is currently floundering on Tinder shocked that he struggles to get a first date, and when he can, is ghosted thereafter. I’m doing quite nicely. 😊 |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2020 17:01:11 GMT -5
I asked my husband why he had seemed so angry and critical in the past. He said that it was easier to find fault with me and feel annoyed than it was to feel guilty. When he saw how much he was hurting me it got to the point where he hated himself and then resentful of me, for representing a 'failure' in his life. Over time he began skipping a lot of the in-between steps and jumped directly to being angry. I'm not saying your wife follows the same pattern, just sharing that I know it sucks to be on the receiving end of a hyper critical spouse. I wish for better for you in your new home. Plus, you built a whole house, that's such an accomplishment, goddammit. Pretty introspective of him to understand that. Great observation, this pattern does make sense and fits our situation quite well...unfortunately. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Nov 16, 2020 19:44:43 GMT -5
With Handy, now I need to defend my "handyman" credentials : ) I have been an "Owner's Representative" in commercial construction for over 20 years and this is the third house I have built for us. To my wife's point, this is by far the most difficult jurisdiction I have ever worked in. On one hand "code is code" but on the other hand their plan review process was long and not very thorough and inspections are quite rigorous with no "approved with corrections", they always require the correction to be made and call for reinspect. I asked about sending a photo once and they said they would make me tear out the foundation if I sent a photo. The inspector has been tough but fair. The final inspection stuff was minor but one of them, in particular, was difficult to address but I did it over the weekend. I put myself in a position that I shouldn't have because this conflict was inevitable because I did so much of it myself to keep on budget and I never should have expected any gratitude or "thanks dear--hug". That was on me. I self-performed: -The plans for submittal (I'm still proficient in AutoCAD) including Engineering. -Basement excavation -Footing and basement steel work. -Framer quit so I finished the framing with some help on weekends from a part-time carpenter -All Plumbing -All Electrical -All HVAC -All Siding -Outdoor brick patios -Paint -Flooring -Trim carpentry (doors and trim) -Bathrooms including tile work -Kitchen finishes It took me 13 months from ground breaking to final inspection. I have not taken a day or evening off in months. I go to work (I still have a full-time job) early, come home by 3, strap on my tool belt and work until 8pm most nights and work long days each weekend day. So, am I being a baby? Yeah, a little. I feel unappreciated in a huge way. No, I would never treat my wife in the way she responded to me. I need to get where you are asap, not working to please anyone but myself. You ever trip on that cape? Bummer about the buildup. I've heard happiness = reality - expectations. Kudos on your self-awareness and your self-discipline. That's a nasty twist and you deserved better. |
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