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Post by blueguy on Aug 9, 2020 17:01:24 GMT -5
The more I think about what my wife told me last week, and the more I think about the past 19 years of our marriage, the more depressed I get. My wife doesn't desire me sexually as she says that part of her is broken. She doesn't desire anyone sexually. She desires snuggling and companionship, but not sex. I know she has body issues as well and always had. What irritates me is when we were dating she had no issues at all with sex, and did things (like oral) that she refused to do once we got married. Now oral disgusts her, and if we do have sex it's always missionary and always requires the same "foreplay" which really does nothing for me since she doesn't do anything towards me during. My wife occasionally makes sexual type jokes but they usually piss me off nowadays more than anything else because it's like dangling a carrot in front of me. Something I really miss that I haven't had in 19 years now is a BJ. I don't even think I can remember what it feels like anymore. She barely even touches me.
I know I'm not a prime catch and I've never have felt that way, but when she told me she doesn't desire me sexually it really hit me in the gut. She doesn't understand my point of view and doesn't see why I feel the way I do. I told her most guys like to feel desired sexually by their significant others.
I honestly wish another woman found me desirable that way and I don't think I could stop myself if that were the case, if that were to even happen. I really hate that as much as I've tried to ignore my sexual desire, I still feel it, and can't ignore it. If there was something I could take that would shut that part of my brain off I would. I've tried praying about it, I've tried taking an antidepressant before when I talked to my doctor about it, but all that did was make orgasms that much more difficult but didn't kill off my libido.
I keep fighting my brain on this too, as we have two kids and I make the vast majority of our income, and have shared debt as well, but most importantly I don't want to uproot our kids.
I just want to feel desired by a woman!!
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Post by Handy on Aug 9, 2020 18:26:35 GMT -5
Blueguy, what you posted is common and most men and many women feel similar to what you are experiencing.
good sex before marriage and then no more of the special things after marriage, yea that sucks. Maybe if you moved out for a week or two, your W might feel the desire again. I am not suggesting that you move out but I only said it because it works for some people, even if it is only for a little while It is called "reset sex" and is usually the reset sex is only good for less than several weeks.
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Post by saarinista on Aug 9, 2020 19:12:12 GMT -5
blueguy I have news for you. you're a sexually functional human. Apparently your wife is not, at least not in the same way. That said, it's no wonder you are depressed. I've been clinically depressed/on antidepressants for years. I wonder if a lot of my depression, if not all of it, is because my relationship with my husband has been completely sexless and no fun for a decade. I too had grimly resolved to stick in there until death because they that's what marriage is, right? Now I'm not sure I can or should do that. Aren't there different ways to love a person? If my husband doesn't want up ever have sex again, and I'm only supposed to have sex in marriage, then does the marriage make sense any more? Can't I simply love him as a friend, and connect with a other person, perhaps, in a sexual way, something for which there is no substitute? Please don't guilt yourself for wanting and needing sex. I did that for many years. I still do, at times, but I'm realizing more and more that having no sexual relationahip nor any possibility of it, in my life is really really hurting me. You are hurting too. You're being rejected and disrespected. Those are painful things for most people. I have no easy answers. The odds are low (though not zero) that she will turn around, especially from what you say. But there's advice on the forum about what you can try if you want to. Your options are to stay and put up with it, stay and have sex with someone else, or get a divorce. Have you spoken with an attorney to see how divorce works in your state?
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Post by sadkat on Aug 9, 2020 19:59:41 GMT -5
blueguy- I had intended to respond to your earlier post when you told us you thought you had a handle on your sexual desire. Your comments sounded so familiar. I too thought I had finally managed to suppress my sexual desire. I did so for quite a long time, actually. I’m here to tell you that it did a lot of damage. It wasn’t sex per se that I was suppressing. It was the need for intimacy and connection. I became a stranger to myself. When I finally left my marriage, I had lost all sense of who I was as a person. You may not see the correlation between sexual desire and your identity. But, it’s there. Sexual desire goes to the core of who you are. I survived 22 years of denying my sexuality. When I finally recognized the damage I was doing to myself, I had to seek therapy to help me extricate myself from my marriage. As saarinista put it- there are 3 choices Stay- I did for 22 years Outsource- I did at year 7 Leave- I did at year 23. I’m slowly working my way back to the real me. None of this has been easy. I don’t anticipate it getting any easier. But I can say I feel freer and more content now than I did over the past 22 years. Divorce doesn’t have to be contentious. Your wife can go to work to support herself. You can support her and your kids while not cohabitating with them. There are many examples here of people doing just that. The decision is yours, of course. But I would recommend a good therapist to start.
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Post by ScottDinTN on Aug 9, 2020 21:45:29 GMT -5
I felt exactly the same way as you about 6 years ago. I was trying to make my wife desire me. She would try for awhile but always went back to her default of asexual.
I talked with my wife a couple times asking if she was gay then we finally talked about an open marriage which she was not in favor of. I told her we could divorce if she preferred that over an open marriage. She didnt want divorce.
Finally I told her I would never again be sexual with her. I finally got thru my thick head that she would never change. I told her that the rejections were turning me into this angry person I no longer wanted to be. Its been over three years now since we have touched in anyway, even platonically.
I wanted all or nothing. Half is just torture. Our marriage ended with that conversation in my mind. We are just roommates now co parenting.
Taking back control of my sex life from her was empowering. She can no longer withhold from me since I will no longer open myself up to be rejected again.
You have to take a stand and make a change. Living in limbo will suck the life from you. She will never change. So, its time for you to.
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Post by csl on Aug 9, 2020 23:58:24 GMT -5
blue guy - you said, “My wife doesn't desire me sexually as she says that part of her is broken. She doesn't desire anyone sexually. She desires snuggling and companionship, but not sex.”
stop with the snuggling and companionship. If sitting at her table is unsatisfactory, push away from the table. Find a distance from her that helps you cope. In another thread, I cited a blog post from my blog entitled “Therapeutic Distancing.” Go to my blog (in my signature line) and read it. Until such time as she cares for the both of you, find a way to care for yourself.
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Post by baza on Aug 10, 2020 0:41:08 GMT -5
The more I think about what my wife told me last week, and the more I think about the past 19 years of our marriage, the more depressed I get. My wife doesn't desire me sexually as she says that part of her is broken. She doesn't desire anyone sexually. She desires snuggling and companionship, but not sex. I know she has body issues as well and always had. What irritates me is when we were dating she had no issues at all with sex, and did things (like oral) that she refused to do once we got married. Now oral disgusts her, and if we do have sex it's always missionary and always requires the same "foreplay" which really does nothing for me since she doesn't do anything towards me during. My wife occasionally makes sexual type jokes but they usually piss me off nowadays more than anything else because it's like dangling a carrot in front of me. Something I really miss that I haven't had in 19 years now is a BJ. I don't even think I can remember what it feels like anymore. She barely even touches me.
I know I'm not a prime catch and I've never have felt that way, but when she told me she doesn't desire me sexually it really hit me in the gut. She doesn't understand my point of view and doesn't see why I feel the way I do. I told her most guys like to feel desired sexually by their significant others.
I honestly wish another woman found me desirable that way and I don't think I could stop myself if that were the case, if that were to even happen. I really hate that as much as I've tried to ignore my sexual desire, I still feel it, and can't ignore it. If there was something I could take that would shut that part of my brain off I would. I've tried praying about it, I've tried taking an antidepressant before when I talked to my doctor about it, but all that did was make orgasms that much more difficult but didn't kill off my libido.
I keep fighting my brain on this too, as we have two kids and I make the vast majority of our income, and have shared debt as well, but most importantly I don't want to uproot our kids.
I just want to feel desired by a woman!!
Well Brother blueguy , over the past 2 decades you have stayed in your situation. My suggestion is that you take ownership of that. It is not your missus choice that you have stayed, nor is it your kids choice that you have stayed. That (perfectly legitimate choice) is on you. Thing is, that if you take ownership of your choice to stay, then you are in an empowered position - you "could" choose a different direction to drive your life. It doesn't mean you 'will' choose differently It doesn't mean you 'should' choose differently. But it certainly DOES mean that you 'could' choose differently, and from a position of empowerment, big things can happen.
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Post by alwaysdenied on Aug 10, 2020 14:50:51 GMT -5
Dang man, I feel your pain. I'm in much of the same situation except my wife would never be that truthful to me. She knows better because once something like that is said, it's the end. There really isn't anything else you can do to pretend. What started out as me thinking it was a ilasm situation ended up being, my marriage sucks problem. Once you start seeing things, it's impossible to not see them anymore. I've taken the long approach to get through this and it's not popular here, but it's what I feel I can live with personally. In the end, we're what's important to look after. Whatever you are comfortable doing is the right thing. Both sides will try and shame you into either leaving or staying and really neither side knows what is right in your situation. Hell, you probably won't know even if it's the right thing, I know I don't.
Just start saying to yourself... You are your own boss. Your wife forfeited her claims and long ago threw them in the trash. Now you have to take care of you. As said above... if you don't want to eat with her, then get up. You do you. You're right though, it IS depressing as frig.
I can't remember the comic or the exact line but it's something that struck a nerve with me. [paraphrased] How big of a loser do you have to be to be in a monogamous relationship and your wife pledges to only have sex with you. And yet she would rather never have sex again than have sex with you.
I'm not calling you a loser because it hit me not as being a loser but that's exactly what has happened (for the noncheaters). Your wife pledged to only have sex with you and yet instead of enjoying sex or making the best of it, she would rather shrivel up and let her sexual life die than have sex with you. It's sad. It's not fair in any way, but it's true life. I'm willing to bet that there are other things you've not seen that have been disguised by the thoughts of sex that will come to light now that you know the truth. We're all dealing with a lot of the same issues so welcome to the club nobody wants to be a member of.
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Post by mirrororchid on Aug 11, 2020 6:34:21 GMT -5
Blueguy, what you posted is common and most men and many women feel similar to what you are experiencing. good sex before marriage and then no more of the special things after marriage, yea that sucks. Maybe if you moved out for a week 0or two, your W might feel the desire again. I am not suggesting that you move out but I only said it because it works for some people, even if it is only for a little while It is called "reset sex" and is usually only good for less than several weeks. I've thought of suggesting leaving temporarily, but it's not moving out though. It's a "separate vacation". Go do something for a week or weekend you always meant to do. Especially something the refuser wouldn't enjoy. Offer to reciprocate if looking after kids is a big hassle. (assuming the ever actually does that. They'll need to start if divorce is even a remote possibility. Unless refusal of any custody is what they plan on.) Channel your inner Mick Dundee We won't expect the same sensible response to a "Walkabout" from the refuser, but seeing America (or wherever you live) has its own upside If blueguy wishes his libido would go away, perhaps he can land a prescription for Leuprolide Acetate. Maybe he won't care about side effects if untreatable libido is bad enough. If a refuser were to find out their spouse is removing their unwanted sexual desire, do they understand it may be that desire that keeps them around, helplessly? Once physical desire goes, does objectivity set in? Does the necessity for Lupron make the marriage cost too much? It might. Be careful what you wish for, refusers...
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grower
Junior Member
Posts: 79
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Post by grower on Aug 11, 2020 7:50:40 GMT -5
Kids grow fast and certainly will know the unhappiness that permeates their home. I would work on an exit strategy, even if a long term one, pay down/off debts, push wife to make more and able to self support. Stash cash, get ready. Maybe a miracle will happen, but don't count on it. Happiness should be part of your life, including sex. If your sexually happiness is not a priority to your wife, it probably never will be. Good luck
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Post by Apocrypha on Aug 17, 2020 9:39:14 GMT -5
My wife doesn't desire me sexually as she says that part of her is broken. She doesn't desire anyone sexually.
A common refrain from many of the post-separation women I've dated when talking about their marriage, as well as my own ex-wife. "I just don't feel sexual." "I'm not into anyone." That refrain ends definitively and pretty fast once the partner is switched out and whatever caused them to lose attraction is gone. One thing I've noticed about my own feelings post marriage is that having sex with someone who I'm not into, or who I don't *really* want to have sex with, is complicated and borders on feeling weird or a bit gross. How would this increase her attraction to her? You are describing this as an act of propriety - like the fact that you deserve to feel this way means she is obligated to express it. That's not how attraction works. She also "deserves" someone she is attracted to, if we flip it around. That person, she has said, and shown, is not you. I don't know what you mean when you say you are not a prime catch - but a usual thing that happens when people begin angling for divorce or recovering from a partner's affair, is they take a long and hard look at their prospects as they are, and their prospects if they took seriously the things they wished to improve. The improvements they work on - things like having interests, contributing to their own social life, creating opportunities for a variety of experiences, improving their living environments, developing skills, working on their appearance - all of these things position themselves at an advantage for their next relationships and also help them feel good about themselves. You have a household presently. So do a lot of amicably separated or divorced couples with children. The life you are living sounds like it doesn't correspond to what either of you have agreed is a marriage. You would not have pledged celibacy at the altar. Neither would she. This is a problem you both share - you both live in a sexually unsatisfying relationship and feel that you are balancing that against the disruption to your household. totally legitimate concern. It's pretty common to then start to hate your libido, and even then to embody that has hating your penis or sexuality. I got so deep into that that I ended up having uncomfortable emotions even with self-pleasure, which STILL surface from time to time. That's evidence of harm. There's nothing wrong at all about having a normal sexual appetite. It's quite likely your wife has one as well, or will have one once she releases herself from the expectations to remain celibate in her relationship with you.
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Post by lessingham on Aug 18, 2020 5:02:26 GMT -5
I have never felt desired. Took me a very long time to work out I could not let myself be desirable. I disfigured myself, not literally but did not dress well, no skin care regeime, crippling shyness etc. It is a hard road to feel desirable to yoursrlf. Even harder to stop using your partner as the mirtor, arbiter. I once got eyeballed by a woman in a mall and walked on air for the rest of the day
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Post by mirrororchid on Aug 18, 2020 6:05:52 GMT -5
I have never felt desired. Took me a very long time to work out I could not let myself be desirable. I disfigured myself, not literally but did not dress well, no skin care regime, crippling shyness etc. It is a hard road to feel desirable to yourself. Even harder to stop using your partner as the mirtor, arbiter. I once got eyeballed by a woman in a mall and walked on air for the rest of the day I've thought it could do super shy/unconfident dudes a service to go to rentafriend.com and go on a shipping trip where a lady plays paper doll with you and picks out clothes that flatter you. Wouldn't hurt to practice date either to get some witty rapport down. Having a date specifically hired to tell you dating faux pas you're executing could be helpful in not producing them in front of a date who would think constructive criticism would be unspeakably rude. OTOH, escorts don't care and that may be less threatening to your home life.
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Post by lessingham on Aug 18, 2020 12:07:04 GMT -5
I have my gurus. The Alpha male on youtube offers great advice on clothes and accessories. He does subtle and everyday clothes for normal guys. My New York mama saud to dress conservatively but spend to get the best cloth and the best cut. She also said buy quality socks, as it is the thing women see when sst opposite a guy. Queer Eye for a straight guy in the first few series were great gurus.
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Post by mirrororchid on Aug 18, 2020 16:26:14 GMT -5
I have my gurus. The Alpha male on youtube offers great advice on clothes and accessories. He does subtle and everyday clothes for normal guys. My New York mama saud to dress conservatively but spend to get the best cloth and the best cut. She also said buy quality socks, as it is the thing women see when sst opposite a guy. Queer Eye for a straight guy in the first few series were great gurus. So you've gotten looks from ladies already. You're a bit on the short side I think you've said. Is that the big hangup? Need to trim down a little? Otherwise, where's the lack of confidence coming from? Trip over your tongue? Haven't hit the books as hard as maybe you could've? Help me out here.
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