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Post by bozodeclowne on Jun 10, 2020 15:45:54 GMT -5
For you long-term stayers, what do you do to keep the resentment of your situation from poisoning the rest of your relationship? I've been working to ready my wife's old family farm for sale, as her Dad passed away last year. Lots of weekends and nights after work. Much of that is just routine maintenance, but there is a fair amount of drywall and electrical to be repaired in the house. She has brothers, but none are local anymore. I'm in the home stretch now, with the house mostly complete and just a barn to clean out. "Just" a barn!  Thing is, I don't really mind the work, but it's hard not to focus on the fact that I'm the only one there. That leads to thoughts about the fundamental imbalance in our relationship and before long I start seeing red. It's starting to bleed over into our daily lives, and since I will be staying for at least a couple more years, I'm wondering how I can keep that sort of thing from dominating our interactions. |
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 10, 2020 19:47:12 GMT -5
I’m not gonna lie... it’s hard. It seriously saps the will do do things out of goodwill when you feel like it isn’t being returned to you. Not that sex is an exchange, but I will go out of my way for someone who brings joy to my life; I’ll do things at my own convenience otherwise.
Partially, I immerse myself in my own activities and don’t depend on W for words of encouragement / approval / gratitude. When things like repairs need to be done, I do them for my own satisfaction, not to please her. It’s a frame of mind thing, but keeping expectations low helps to avoid disappointment.
Specific to your repair work, if the proceeds of the farm are to be split between family members, remember to keep detailed notes on your labor and materials - you’re entitled to be compensated before the remainder is split. I suggest you use it to reward your efforts with a personal indulgence.
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Post by Handy on Jun 10, 2020 23:09:46 GMT -5
DryCreek
When things like repairs need to be done, I do them for my own satisfaction, not to please her. It’s a frame of mind thing, but keeping expectations low helps to avoid disappointment.
That is how I act too. Brother DryCreek and I use a similar MO.
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Post by baza on Jun 11, 2020 0:20:56 GMT -5
I'm not a stayer Brother bozodeclowne , but I am somewhat "expert" on resentment. It was resentment that torpedoed my marriage turning me from a stayer to a leaver. I "thought" I was managing my resentment levels in my ILIASM deal, but in retrospect I was suppressing them, which is not managing them at all. I tried my arse off attempting to let go of my accruing resentment, but I think I left it too long (decades) and it was just too entrenched to manage or to suppress. Of all the shit in my life that I needed to sort out, resentment was an intractable issue. I made very little progress in dealing with it. Unfortunately, I have little of value about managing resentment. Don't try and suppress it is all I can suggest, as in my experience suppressing it does not work longer term. I have found since leaving (9 years ago) that my resentment about what went on in my ILIASM deal has slowly dissipated. |
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Post by bozodeclowne on Jun 18, 2020 10:27:06 GMT -5
Thanks, guys. In this instance, because I enjoy the work and get some alone time, it's not too bad. Still, I bristle at the entitlement. She will complain about her brothers doing little more than a google search and then asking her to call contractors for carpeting, etc. It's a valid point, but all the while I'm thinking "' I'm doing all of the actual work. What is all this nonsense about who will make a couple phone calls?" My usual MO in those situations is to get out of the conversation as quickly as possible and go off to do something else before I say something I'll regret. Oddly enough, it was our teen daughter that mentioned " Hey, we really appreciate all of the work you are doing down there". She's whip-smart, and I think has a sense of where this will end up. On a brighter note, work in the barn has been interesting. Along with the usual junk that needs to be broken down and hauled to the dump, I've found a few very old tools, vintage glass bottles and lanterns. Neat stuff that can be cleaned up and easily re-homed. The ancient chemicals will be a different sort of challenge, as some of it appears to have been banned from use decades ago!  |
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Post by flyingsolo on Jun 18, 2020 19:37:04 GMT -5
Frankly, if you can see past the resentment and realize you still love your spouse and they affirm that they still love you, it makes it easier as I know we are both working to fix things at that point. If you are locked in a stalemate where nothing seems to be moving forward in your marriage for long periods of time and it seems like your spouse is going about their daily life without you, resentment will rear its ugly head. The key is what you do with it. Counselors call it turning toward each other. If you can find a way to turn toward each other rather than away from each other, it mitigates some of the resentment. If you can't or maybe aren't in a spot where you can at that particular moment, all you can do is work on making yourself happy. You can't rely on your spouse to do that for you.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 18, 2020 20:05:58 GMT -5
My usual MO in those situations is to get out of the conversation as quickly as possible and go off to do something else before I say something I'll regret. Oddly enough, it was our teen daughter that mentioned " Hey, we really appreciate all of the work you are doing down there". She's whip-smart, and I think has a sense of where this will end up. The ancient chemicals will be a different sort of challenge, as some of it appears to have been banned from use decades ago! Sorry if this sounds ...cold, it's meant to be helpful. Your approach sounds very passive. Like you have been 'conditioned' to avoid any conflict that does not fit your wife's narrative? As we say on here " To keep the peace. To not rock the boat, to go hide in your man cave. To go take up a hobby". Have you said things in the past, and regretted it? ( all of us do that) but how much does your wife make you feel this way, compared to other people in your life? There's a lot to be learned about how others can manipulate and control your entire thoughts by slowly degrading your self worth. You praise your teen daughter, perhaps that's because she speaks highly of you, appreciates, you! Something that a spouse should be receiving in a marriage! Side note: A house I purchased had a large supply of Dursban and Diazinon (pesticides that have been banned) sitting in the storage shed. My online searches told me that I found " liquid gold", and to use them. |
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Post by bozodeclowne on Jun 23, 2020 12:18:36 GMT -5
It's true, my approach to many aspects of life has been far too passive. It is something I came to realize far too late, but have begun making changes in those areas where doing so can have an impact. The funny thing is that over the past 3 years or so, I've ceased being a push-over in the marriage. Not that I really was before, but that tendency to give in and avoid a fight even when I think a decision is wrong is gone.
As we move toward what I believe is the end of the relationship, I'm finding it harder not to lash out when annoyed. I think about all of the wasted years, all of the things that are "expected" of me, and what is offered in return. I wondered for a long time why she didn't get it, but I now believe she did/does get it. That only leaves one option - she doesn't care. So, I'm done trying to explain my position and the concern now is how to avoid exploding (verbally) before I can get out. I can walk away and avoid saying something hurtful, but that doesn't really do much to lessen the resentment.
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Post by saarinista on Jun 23, 2020 15:07:42 GMT -5
bozodeclowne Regarding the resentment over the lost years and misery, just remember that living well (having fun and hopefully, sex) is the best revenge! In other words, try to focus on the future and the good times you can have going forward. I realize it can be hard to escape getting bogged down in hate and resentment, but you must find a way to think about the joy you can find in the rest of your life. Obsessing about the why's of your SM will not help.
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Post by flyingsolo on Jun 23, 2020 18:58:14 GMT -5
You can live your life or you can simply exist. Which one you choose to do is ultimately up to you. To quote the Shawshank Redemption - "Get busy living or get busy dying."
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Post by ScottDinTN on Jul 1, 2020 1:27:58 GMT -5
You're keeping busy away from her. Distractions often help people from being resentful.
For me, I like to remind myself what I benefit by staying in the relationship. For me, its being under the same roof with my kids and a greater financial stability since she has a good paying job. The fact that I have more money to spend helps. Just being honest and practical. Too often we obsess on the bad things and get depressed. Renind yourself of the benefits.
Its kind of like we have a Friend with Benefits. Just not the benefits that are typical in those arrangements. But there are benefits none the less.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jul 1, 2020 6:20:57 GMT -5
It's true, my approach to many aspects of life has been far too passive. It is something I came to realize far too late, but have begun making changes in those areas where doing so can have an impact. The funny thing is that over the past 3 years or so, I've ceased being a push-over in the marriage. Not that I really was before, but that tendency to give in and avoid a fight even when I think a decision is wrong is gone. As we move toward what I believe is the end of the relationship, I'm finding it harder not to lash out when annoyed. I think about all of the wasted years, all of the things that are "expected" of me, and what is offered in return. I wondered for a long time why she didn't get it, but I now believe she did/does get it. That only leaves one option - she doesn't care. So, I'm done trying to explain my position and the concern now is how to avoid exploding (verbally) before I can get out. I can walk away and avoid saying something hurtful, but that doesn't really do much to lessen the resentment. You've heard me say it elsewhere, perhaps, but to emphasize this specific facet, when I gave my wife "The Talk", she didn't know it was the talk. I gave her a few months then started researching dating. The resentment was one of the first things to go. The research was a distraction, the hope lifted my spirits and removing responsibility for my celibacy from her allowed me to focus only on the good stuff I did have. Then she got therapy and we're on a 7 month reset, so all my research was wasted time. Happily, resentment of the wasted time learning to date did not result. |
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Post by bozodeclowne on Jul 8, 2020 14:20:39 GMT -5
You're keeping busy away from her. Distractions often help people from being resentful. For me, I like to remind myself what I benefit by staying in the relationship. For me, its being under the same roof with my kids and a greater financial stability since she has a good paying job. The fact that I have more money to spend helps. Just being honest and practical. Too often we obsess on the bad things and get depressed. Renind yourself of the benefits. Its kind of like we have a Friend with Benefits. Just not the benefits that are typical in those arrangements. But there are benefits none the less. Oh, definitely. Anyone who is staying for any length of time has to learn to look at the positives. Might be as simple as taking a walk before the heat of the day sets in, or the yipping of a coyote pack on a clear night. I've been concentrating on the simple things for a while now. Works well for improving one's outlook, but also brings the SM into sharper focus. I no longer care about many of the material things the relationship provides. My wife has a stable career with a very good income and defined-benefit pension plan. Two incomes allowed us to raise our children in a safe area with great schools, own a home, drive reliable vehicles and afford the occasional family vacation. We're now moving out of that phase of life and soon will no longer need the big house with all of its associated "stuff". I'm grateful for the benefits our relationship has provided. I just look down the road a bit and see that fewer benefits and a better relationship would have been the smarter play. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Apr 18, 2022 6:02:36 GMT -5
Why is it always three times?
Is it like summoning BeetleJuice?
You post spam three times and some netherworld demon shows up and buys your fake diplomas or dicey reputability pharmaceutical interventions?
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Post by jim44444 on Apr 18, 2022 10:32:59 GMT -5
Why is it always three times? Is it like summoning BeetleJuice? You post spam three times and some netherworld demon shows up and buys your fake diplomas or dicey reputability pharmaceutical interventions? "You can't fix stupid." I can buy generic Viagra for $1 a pill at local pharmacy why would anyone order this fake scrap from a troll? |
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