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Post by tiredoftears on Apr 15, 2020 10:04:09 GMT -5
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 28, 2020 6:30:26 GMT -5
I can only imagine what it's like being in "the dating world" at this time? I'm no longer out there / on line seeing/experiencing, meeting others and dating (very happy with my woman!) It can't be easy with so many places closed, and people's physical and emotional reactions to all this 'social distancing'.
I guess dating/socializing is a non essential?
If you're in a SM ,this virus just kicks the can further down the road.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 28, 2020 10:20:32 GMT -5
I’m wondering if people stuck in miserable, sexless marriages are kicking themselves for possibly dooming themselves to being stuck in that kind of life. I wonder if they are angry that they didn’t take action to get out when they could. Or perhaps they feel that being in quarantine with their refuser is better than being alone.
While I’m in quarantine with a loving post sm partner, I would prefer being alone than to have been stuck in quarantine with my ex.
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Post by saarinista on Apr 28, 2020 12:25:28 GMT -5
I honestly don't know what I feel or want. That's the truth. Still stuck. Care about my husband, need him, love him in ways, but it will never be everything I need. It will never be sexual again. I was close to getting a job when the pandemic struck. A job would give me more options. Don't know what the future holds.
I'm angry with myself, but that's pointless. I've done my best, and so has he, but we've grown apart. I have no children or family and neither does he.
I was making progress and now I'm restuck. It's incredibly frustrating and painful. I care, and he's a good man but the sexual and emotional piece is missing.
Maybe this is where it ends for me. I'm almost 60 and that's pretty old. Older women are not a hot item in most people's eyes, I don't think.
And men in that age group all have families, and they don't want to leave them regardless. Pickings are slim to none.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 28, 2020 13:08:43 GMT -5
Saarinista, most women outlive their mates by several years so staying with your refuser doesn’t guarantee lifetime companionship. It may guarantee that you end up changing his diapers.
Only divorce if you feel you’d be better off remaining permanently single than remaining in your marriage.
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Post by saarinista on Apr 28, 2020 20:00:01 GMT -5
Saarinista, most women outlive their mates by several years so staying with your refuser doesn’t guarantee lifetime companionship. It may guarantee that you end up changing his diapers. Only divorce if you feel you’d be better off remaining permanently single than remaining in your marriage. Of course, I did say sickness and health. And he's been faithful to me through many bad times. And he's a good man. That's what makes it so hard. Things are not flat out awful by any means, except the sex. It's awful because it's non extant.and he is clearly interested only if absolutely forced which is not very sexy. He always was kind of indifferent about sex. Now, though, he seems to look at sex as shameful when I bring up the topic, which I have many times. I have discussed an open marriage in veiled terms and he has not totally dissed it. Ultimately, if I had a friend with benefits it might be best, but I have a tendency to fall in love. That's already happened once and we'll, never mind. I'm lousy at being casual. But I could do that under the right circumstances, I think. However, I don't just want to go get laid. I'm possibly hopeless. Still not sure and I realize the clock is ticking. Gah. |
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Post by petrushka on Apr 29, 2020 1:33:14 GMT -5
Saarinista, most women outlive their mates by several years so staying with your refuser doesn’t guarantee lifetime companionship. It may guarantee that you end up changing his diapers. Only divorce if you feel you’d be better off remaining permanently single than remaining in your marriage. Of course, I did say sickness and health. And he's been faithful to me through many bad times. And he's a good man. That's what makes it so hard. Things are not flat out awful by any means, except the sex. It's awful because it's non extant.and he is clearly interested only if absolutely forced which is not very sexy. He always was kind of indifferent about sex. Now, though, he seems to look at sex as shameful when I bring up the topic, which I have many times. I have discussed an open marriage in veiled terms and he has not totally dissed it. Ultimately, if I had a friend with benefits it might be best, but I have a tendency to fall in love. That's already happened once and we'll, never mind. I'm lousy at being casual. But I could do that under the right circumstances, I think. However, I don't just want to go get laid. I'm possibly hopeless. Still not sure and I realize the clock is ticking. Gah.
Firstly, you have time. My father in law, after the death of his wife, hooked up with another lady -- both of them in their 80s, and he was amazed that he suddenly had a sex-life (which apparently he didn't before). You have time. Secondly - what's wrong with falling in love? Nothing, absolutely nothing. When I was in FwB relationships, of course there was emotion, there was love -- hell, there is love in relationships of mine where there are no benefits except for a good talk and a cup of coffee from time to time. Love is not a finite resource.
What is (emotionally) dangerous, is becoming proprietary or obsessive. A friend is a friend, and they are their own person. You can love them without putting a collar on them and demanding to lead them around on a leash.
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Post by worksforme2 on May 1, 2020 17:48:11 GMT -5
Maybe this is where it ends for me. I'm almost 60 and that's pretty old. Older women are not a hot item in most people's eyes, I don't think. Pickings are slim to none. You could always start a new career as a cougar. .....Hot,cha,cha,cha..... |
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Post by saarinista on May 1, 2020 20:04:04 GMT -5
Maybe this is where it ends for me. I'm almost 60 and that's pretty old. Older women are not a hot item in most people's eyes, I don't think. Pickings are slim to none. You could always start a new career as a cougar. .....Hot,cha,cha,cha..... Thanks for your kind thoughts, but my career leanings are more in the marketing, resource development and public relations area. 🙁 Actually, I had recently gotten pretty far along in the flight attendant hiring process with one of the airlines (I walk a couple miles most days; I don't think I'm old though the numbers say otherwise but they hire older people and all they can do is say no!) but sadly our current pandemic situation has torpedoed THAT novel career idea. 🤔🙁 I know you're kidding (I THINK) but geeze, I didn't think I'd have to make CAREER out of getting laid regularly at this point in life! Especially married. Cripes. Pray for me people, if you're into that. Maybe God will listen to you better than me. I'm luckier than many, but my life feels like a big mess right now. 🤦♀️ |
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Post by northstarmom on May 1, 2020 22:27:34 GMT -5
“ said:Maybe this is where it ends for me. I'm almost 60 and that's pretty old. Older women are not a hot item in most people's eyes, I don't think.
Pickings are slim to none.”
I was 60 when I decided to divorce. A year later, I was divorced and with post sm lover, 61, who has now been with me 7 years.
Another woman friend got married at 70 to a man she met through eHatmony.
But don’t assume that someone would be there for you if you divorce. Divorce only if you would be happier single forever than staying with your refuser.
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Post by saarinista on May 1, 2020 23:52:44 GMT -5
northstarmom, you are an inspiring and insightful. I would never presume to know what the future would hold if I divorced.. That's one reason I'm still married. I guess the other reason is that my refuser is supportive in many ways and I know he would be hurt if I filed for divorce. I struggle with hurting a person who has been good to me in most ways. It's a huge decision to divorce. I don't think I'm the greatest woman for him either. But he's not too interested in looking for anyone else. Fact of the matter is, not everyone gets a fairy tale. So, life goes on.
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Post by Handy on May 2, 2020 1:16:32 GMT -5
Saarinista
I'm almost 60 and that's pretty old. Older women are not a hot item in most people's eyes,Sixty isn't old to me. As a matter of personal preference, 60 might be a bit young. I would be open to a romantic relationship with someone like you even if they were much older, if they lived in my area. What I hear from 60+ women is they do not want an exclusive relationship. They just want non-sexual friendships.
The snow has melted several weeks ago and now the grass is green and growing, so I mowed the lawn. That was better than watching TV. I also went on my 4th bike ride for the season. My next project is getting my tomato garden area ready.
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Post by northstarmom on May 2, 2020 6:55:39 GMT -5
Handy; “
What I hear from 60+ women is they do not want an exclusive relationship. They just want non-sexual friendships.”
This is due to the type of women you hang out with and how you present yourself. I know a lot of women in their 60s and way over who have sex, lovers, and talk about sex. I didn’t connect with such women until I got more comfortable with my own sex life including believing while I was still in a sm that I deserved to have sex, and sex is a wonderful part of being human. Sexually open people attract the same.
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Post by Handy on May 2, 2020 14:08:01 GMT -5
Northstarmom, I agree it might be the women I hang around. Up until I joined ILIASM I would not say much about wanting a relationship with anyone new. I did just recently tell one widow that it would be nice if I could spend a weekend with a friend/lover. So maybe I used to come across as totally married and anything more than a handy man, was out of bounds. I don't pressure anyone into trying to get to first base but I did let one woman know that I would be open to options. From reading relationship forums, I know pressuring someone into a relationship of any kind does not produce positive results. The other person has to want the same thing and has to have some investment in the game, and if they don't have some investment in the game, it is me that does all of the work and they can just coast. I have the coasting, no investment (takes anything that I offer but doesn't offer anything from her side of the relationship) wife now. Who needs more of that? I heard that some women play hard to get or expect the man to do most of the relationship work at first and that men like to chase the woman. Sorry, that might work for some people but it has the possibility for a man to come across as a pest or just get used. I don't want to be either a pest or to be used, BTDT in the used dept.
Swapping my winter tires for my summer tires and mowing my large lawn with my small 1994 lawn tractor. It was built to be repaired and to last.
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Post by saarinista on May 2, 2020 18:39:50 GMT -5
So Handy when you said to this widow you'd like to have a friend or LOVER how did she respond? Here's the thing: like me, you are married and most women are not going to give you indication that they're interested in you as anything more than a friend because of that. Unless you get divorced, or unless you say something about wanting an extra marital relationship, you are going to be presumed to be off-limits by most people. And for the record, I always figured people had sex until they died. I doubt I'm the only woman in the world who thinks that way. Remember, if you're on this forum, you're here because you've been in a sexless relationship. As a reminder, not everyone in the world is like our spouses, or so I hear. |
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