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Post by Handy on Oct 3, 2019 1:00:26 GMT -5
Saarinista But older women have a much less limited pool of interested men to choose from.
I know of one guy that thinks 59 is on the young side. He said so on another thread. OTH distance is an issue.
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Post by solodriver on Oct 3, 2019 1:35:28 GMT -5
"You need to realize that and get used to it."
That's what my wife told me 20 years ago. And she meant it. I was just too stupid to believe it. She blamed it on menopause and said she no longer had a sex drive or interest in it.
So here I am, almost 60, and working on trying to get out, which I should have done 20 years ago. And it's 20 years harder to get out now because of financial issues, which I didn't have or even foresee on the horizon.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 3, 2019 2:17:27 GMT -5
Nothing is guaranteed. This includes future partners or sex. So no matter what your age or gender divorce only if you feel you’d be happier permanently single and celibate than remaining in your marriage.
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 3, 2019 8:18:40 GMT -5
Time goes by quickly, and the older we get, the harder it often is to find a partner. At least you guys can credibly troll for younger women. But older women have a much less limited pool of interested men to choose from. We're generally viewed as less desirable the older we get. I agree as we get older, the harder it often is to find a partner. But when it comes to viewing mature women as less undesirable, I could not disagree more. As an older male I really do not find that women who are considerably younger than me to be especially attractive. I have put my wee wee in enough pee pees to arrive at the conclusion that for me at least, a woman that is close to me age wise is more preferable than one 10 or more years younger. The few conversations I have had with other males my age affirms my preference is the one they generally share. It isn't just the physical attractive aspect of taunt shin or perky breasts that picks my interest. Women my age often share the same likes as activities. We grew up in the same era, listened to the same music and are general at the same stages, physically and emotionally. What's not to like? The problem as I see it is that so many mature women do not see them selves as attractive or desirable. What that means is they do not open their minds to meeting a male with the realistic goal of bringing intimacy into their lives. So they don't have the mindset of a confident, desirable woman. And my experience(one male still casting his net) is many mature women see a sexual relationship as too much work. That mindset is reflected in the way they dress, how they interact with available males, and generally how they present themselves as women. The same could be said for many males in my age demographic when it comes to how they view sex. Don't sell yourself short. If you aren't big as a house and ugly as a lap dog, then the odds of you being appealing to males your own age is pretty good.
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Post by Apocrypha on Oct 3, 2019 8:56:29 GMT -5
My desire to just have sex and ignore the current situation of my relationship will not serve me well in the long run. Getting my mind set to unwind the brand new house, boat, investments, etc. is something I am not ready for today, but I think I need to get my mind going in that direction. One step at a time. The first step is to see what's happening now. I'm four years past a separation, and I'm still entwined financially with my ex-wife - in terms of household(s) mananagement and finances. In an age of AirBnB and ride-share working well between strangers, if things are still relatively amicable and you both have shared interests - it's not impossible to work together on most of the side-benefits that go along with marriage. Consider your present situation - is that materially it any different than what you are doing now?You live with a woman. You likely mostly get along with her mostly. She doesn't see you as a sexual partner, for reasons. She could, maybe, explain those reasons if she's cognizant of them, but it's unlikely to change anything. It's not like a forensic explanation of the loss of attraction resurrects it, even if it is a misunderstanding. So, you kind of are already in the situation - both of you - that you need to get your mind going in the direction of. Your lived reality is already there. And, you are making it work - because you don't have a sexual relationship with that woman. That's interesting. Isn't it? So, what changes is the understanding of the relationship and what you are doing - and nothing particularly material. You aren't ready to do something that you two are already managing together, and have been for a while.
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 3, 2019 9:44:21 GMT -5
My desire to just have sex and ignore the current situation of my relationship will not serve me well in the long run. Getting my mind set to unwind the brand new house, boat, investments, etc. is something I am not ready for today, but I think I need to get my mind going in that direction. Consider your present situation - is that materially it any different than what you are doing now?I'm serious. You live with a woman. She doesn't see you as a sexual partner, for reasons. She could, maybe, explain those reasons if she's cognizant of them, but it's unlikely to change anything. It's not like a forensic explanation of the loss of attraction resurrects it, even if it is a misunderstanding. So, you kind of are already in the situation - both of you - that you need to get your mind going in the direction of. Your lived reality is already there. And, you are making it work - because you don't have a sexual relationship with that woman. That's interesting. Isn't it? So, what changes is the understanding of the relationship and what you are doing - and nothing material. Hmmmm,....For time4intimacy this reads as a doable scenario provided he accepts the limitation of being sexless for the duration of the arrangement. Previous postings from him indicate his W would not likely be OK with him outsourcing. He seems to want a future that includes sex. As I ponder his current setup what you propose does not seem workable if I understand what you are proposing.
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Post by Apocrypha on Oct 3, 2019 10:19:09 GMT -5
Consider your present situation - is that materially it any different than what you are doing now?I'm serious. You live with a woman. She doesn't see you as a sexual partner, for reasons. She could, maybe, explain those reasons if she's cognizant of them, but it's unlikely to change anything. It's not like a forensic explanation of the loss of attraction resurrects it, even if it is a misunderstanding. So, you kind of are already in the situation - both of you - that you need to get your mind going in the direction of. Your lived reality is already there. And, you are making it work - because you don't have a sexual relationship with that woman. That's interesting. Isn't it? So, what changes is the understanding of the relationship and what you are doing - and nothing material. Hmmmm,....For time4intimacy this reads as a doable scenario provided he accepts the limitation of being sexless for the duration of the arrangement. Previous postings from him indicate his W would not likely be OK with him outsourcing. He seems to want a future that includes sex. As I ponder his current setup what you propose does not seem workable if I understand what you are proposing. My agenda here is to propose self-reflection to come to the truth of the situation as it is, as it has been for a while, and as it is likely to be. I believe people get rooted to a spot (myself included) because they fear walking away from something that's about to change for the better, like giving up on a long elevator wait and taking the stairs. By thinking seriously about the differences between two things that seem fairly similar: an amicable separation vs a celibate marriage (especially one that is intentionally so, where one spouse has gone to the trouble of delineating their intention to the other), I believe it can help people take a more realistic view of what they can or can't imagine doing. In this case, we already have a separation, and intentionality around that. It's already been articulated clearly by the OP's wife. They are already doing it. They have been for a while - except the OP is effectively saying "No, I'm not ready to imagine that yet."
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Post by lessingham on Oct 3, 2019 10:54:12 GMT -5
I do not think we can credibly troll for younger partners! I suspect younger women are not that interested in older men unless there is a deal sweetener. Years ago there was a famous rock star who married a much younger woman. Thry did not last long. She had no idea who his world famous mates were and he hated her taste in crap modern music. He had evolved to liking elegant food and wines. She loved getting drunk on beer and eating burgers.... And so on. There is much comfort in companions of our own age with a shared story on how we got here.
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Post by cagedadventurer on Oct 3, 2019 14:36:16 GMT -5
Welcome back time4intimacy,
3 things. 1- I think we all appreciate you taking time to "work on your marriage". You are early 40's and to make SURE you have not failed in some real capacity causing your W's disinterest, you had to "try". Trying can mean new actions, fitness, avoiding potentially annoying actions, paying closer attention to her, showing intentional interest in her world, changed attitudes or responses to her, etc. You tried it I am sure. Even the new house and boat... maybe were in some way a renewal of the earlier days, that is activity to keep you both engaged in a commonality. But you are back here because..... well it is inevitable 99.9% of the time.
2- You differentiated pissed from upset. And you want to screw someone else - because you are pissed. But don't. Not to take the high road but it just may as well be on your terms when you are no longer pissed. No social out-casting need occur which becomes unnecessary relationship fall-out.
3- Stuff appears now to be holding you in - leaving the "prickly" comfort zone that is. I have learned, I do NOT enjoy these activities where my wife is included if there is no sex as part of the adventure. The fact is, she is more of an accommodation to my schedule and I'd rather do activities solo or with my kids or a co-worker. Point is, the new house should have her screwing your brains out in every room just because. The boat, some sex action on that would make that purchase much more appreciated. I build homes, the CEO of a large home builder once stated that they like to include 2 shower heads in master showers because the guys "anticipate" these getting used simultaneously. He (the CEO) knows better but it still has some positive subliminal implications helping buyers say yes to the purchase. BUT it is another let down after the thrill of the new home is gone. This goes for the cars, boats, vacation homes, vacations, and even babies.
So you have done the financial math, she stated what she stated and as a matter of fact, so it is time to practice and deliver your "exit statement". Practice it so upon verbal delivery it comes across as just a business decision; that is with no emotion but just an unfortunate requirement based on the new deal in front of you and for survival it "must be done". AS she realizes that none of these material things have any meaning to you compared to a real marriage (for which you work TOO hard at sustaining), she will either realize the importance of sexual fulfillment or she will agree and you are confident as to your next moves.
If she wants to remain married, re-read about reset sex in this forum and be ultra cautious. Do NOT get her pregnant.
You are 44, don't be here where you are 46 unless it is a success story. She's done, but you are attached to the lifestyle like many of us are. I say that but I do have sex 1-2 x per week but if that stops (even if it does not get more exciting) no money, no stuff is keeping me here. "It's just business" as they say.
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Post by flashjohn on Oct 3, 2019 15:24:06 GMT -5
Hey all, It has been a very long time since I have been on here. I decided to concentrate on my marriage and really try to get it working, including the sex. We have been getting along pretty well, but when it comes to sex, she says, why do I need to do that. It is not my responsibility to have sex and I don't feel like having sex so you just need to live with that. We went on vacation this week and I tried foolishly to initiate sex after a nice night out, she then told me we probably already had sex for the last time 3 months ago. You need to realize that and get used to it. Well, that sucks to say the least. I am so pissed, not even upset, just pissed, that I think I am ready to find satisfaction elsewhere. I have tried and tried and tried and now I feel that I put in all the effort that I can. Financially we make an awesome team, we do business together and can have fun, but no way do I want to live the rest of my life sex free. If I get caught, she can divorce if she wants, but at age 44 I can't just concede and never have sex again. Am I alone here in this thought? Well, she has made her position very clear. You have 3 choices, 1) Stay in celibacy, 2) Outsource, or 3) Divorce. Of course she will not believe that you will do # 3 until you file and she is served. Having been in that exact position, I understand your dilemma. Frankly, i t is obvious to me that she doesn't love you and you should divorce.
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Post by apathetic on Oct 3, 2019 22:17:44 GMT -5
If I get caught, she can divorce if she wants, but at age 44 I can't just concede and never have sex again. Am I alone here in this thought? You're not alone in that thought. I remember having those thoughts at 44... 15+ years ago. I won't claim I "never" had sex again but the frequency steadily decreased from 1x/4-6 weeks to 6-8 weeks to worse. In the past few years it was every few months. I think we are on about 6 months now, with no end in sight. I stopped caring a while ago. If, at 44, your wife is flat out telling you this is the end - sorry, friend, but the future looks very bleak. The folks here will tell you that a fix is unlikely, if not impossible. I refused to believe that for 30+ years. Now, I have reached the point where I don't give a flying-fuck. (99% of the time). The other 1% of the time, I feel like shit and wallow in self-pity. A few stiff drinks help that feeling. For me, the outsourcing solution isn't viable. If it works for you, great. I can't get around the ethical dilemma. It's also about the emotional connection. If I am going to have sex with someone and invest that heavily in an emotional connection, I may as well just leave my wife and not have to live a double life. May as well just make a plan and step into a new life without all the sneaking around.
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Post by baza on Oct 4, 2019 0:59:11 GMT -5
You guys bring up a good point. I do consider my reputation. I have never cheated on anyone my entire life and starting now, instead of separating is most likely a mistake. My desire to just have sex and ignore the current situation of my relationship will not serve me well in the long run. Getting my mind set to unwind the brand new house, boat, investments, etc. is something I am not ready for today, but I think I need to get my mind going in that direction. Something else to consider ..... To "unwind the brand new house, boat, investments, etc." is probably going to be easier* if it is done whilst there is some residual goodwill remaining in your deal. In a "got caught outsourcing" scenario, any residual goodwill might evaporate real quick leaving you in an adversarial situation making the split of assets that much more difficult and angst ridden. * re "easier" above. There's nothing easy in these situations, I used the word easier in relative terms.
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Post by notdeadyet on Oct 6, 2019 16:25:14 GMT -5
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