|
|
Post by Apocrypha on Oct 9, 2019 15:14:09 GMT -5
Leaving releases any influence you have in the kids life when they are not in your prescence. Also, if they get married or let someone else live with them in the home, you have no say in the matter. Then a stranger gets to see them more than you do. These are things people don't think about when all they are consider is finding their personal happiness. You have to look at the big picture. There are so many variables in play when kids are involved. You think that people don't think about that? About their kids? I am not so sure about that as a variable that is not considered and weighed. |
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on Oct 9, 2019 15:36:53 GMT -5
There are many variables with kids involved.
This is why a.) people need to carefully consider having children unless their marriage is rock solid AND their spouse really wants to have children and is emotionally solid enough to parent,
and
B., the courts REALLY need to change because not every woman is a good mother, yet the courts side by default with women in parenting decisions all too often.
I am so sorry for the unjust harassment and pain the guys here have endured from their wives and children. I feel your pain to some extent as well, because my husband's ex-wife poisoned the well with his children. As a result, neither my husband nor I have any relationship with them. My husband was a good father and he doesn't deserve that treatment.
All of us should stand together for an end to gender bias in divorce law. The inequities eventually gore everyone's ox. I have no idea what any of us can do to change things, but awareness is the first step.
|
|
|
|
Post by ScottDinTN on Oct 9, 2019 19:18:33 GMT -5
Leaving releases any influence you have in the kids life when they are not in your prescence. Also, if they get married or let someone else live with them in the home, you have no say in the matter. Then a stranger gets to see them more than you do. These are things people don't think about when all they are consider is finding their personal happiness. You have to look at the big picture. There are so many variables in play when kids are involved. You think that people don't think about that? About their kids? I am not so sure about that as a variable that is not considered and weighed. I think most would consider all those factors. I have just had some tell me that leaving is the only way because I deserve to be happy without even knowing my home circumstances. I said only those that ONLY look at happiness might not think of the big picture. |
|
|
|
Post by ScottDinTN on Oct 9, 2019 19:29:04 GMT -5
There are many variables with kids involved. This is why a.) people need to carefully consider having children unless their marriage is rock solid AND their spouse really wants to have children and is emotionally solid enough to parent, and B., the courts REALLY need to change because not every woman is a good mother, yet the courts side by default with women in parenting decisions all too often. I am so sorry for the unjust harassment and pain the guys here have endured from their wives and children. I feel your pain to some extent as well, because my husband's ex-wife poisoned the well with his children. As a result, neither my husband nor I have any relationship with them. My husband was a good father and he doesn't deserve that treatment. All of us should stand together for an end to gender bias in divorce law. The inequities eventually gore everyone's ox. I have no idea what any of us can do to change things, but awareness is the first step. Very well put on both points. 1. I hear some people say how bad their marriage is then they talk about having kids like that will bring them together. Kids are great but they aren't marital glue. 2. Women are highly favored in family court. I watched a documentary called "The Red Pill" and in it there is a section on a father that was basically bullied by his wife because she kept threatening to lie about him and get full custody of the kids if he ever left. He finally broke after a few years and left. Sure enough she followed thru with her plan and now he hasn't seen the kids in over 5 years. Only watch this if you have an open mind. If you think all men are pigs, you will hate this documentary. Free on Amazon Prime. www.amazon.com/Red-Pill-Cassie-Jaye/dp/B06XGXD5LL |
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on Oct 9, 2019 22:18:56 GMT -5
ScottDinTN I'll pass on the movie. I've had it with too many of my sisters. I've seen what spoiled b-----s they can be first hand. They play the woman card, but really, they're just lazy or selfish. Sure, there are mean, selfish guys out there too. However, somehow it's become entirely too normal to slam on men. Not okay! It hurts all of us.
|
|
|
|
Post by elynne on Oct 10, 2019 11:34:07 GMT -5
Leaving releases any influence you have in the kids life when they are not in your prescence. Also, if they get married or let someone else live with them in the home, you have no say in the matter. Then a stranger gets to see them more than you do. These are things people don't think about when all they are consider is finding their personal happiness. You have to look at the big picture. There are so many variables in play when kids are involved. Just curious- I live in Europe and laws are certainly different here than in the US. But here, 50-50 co-parenting is the norm unless a parent is unable or unwilling to have the children 50% of the time. Is that not the case in your state? |
|
|
|
Post by ScottDinTN on Oct 10, 2019 16:57:41 GMT -5
Leaving releases any influence you have in the kids life when they are not in your prescence. Also, if they get married or let someone else live with them in the home, you have no say in the matter. Then a stranger gets to see them more than you do. These are things people don't think about when all they are consider is finding their personal happiness. You have to look at the big picture. There are so many variables in play when kids are involved. Just curious- I live in Europe and laws are certainly different here than in the US. But here, 50-50 co-parenting is the norm unless a parent is unable or unwilling to have the children 50% of the time. Is that not the case in your state? Here divorced parents try to work together and under good circumstances that may be achieved. But when there are disagreements there ends up being two set of rules, one for each household. Ultimately, you can't control what goes on at the other house. You can ask for agreement but it is really up to them whether they will do it or not. This becomes increasingly difficult, I would assume, if one parent has the children more than the other parent. Week days verses weekends... every other weekend.... etc. |
|
|
|
Post by elynne on Oct 11, 2019 4:06:02 GMT -5
Just curious- I live in Europe and laws are certainly different here than in the US. But here, 50-50 co-parenting is the norm unless a parent is unable or unwilling to have the children 50% of the time. Is that not the case in your state? Here divorced parents try to work together and under good circumstances that may be achieved. But when there are disagreements there ends up being two set of rules, one for each household. Ultimately, you can't control what goes on at the other house. You can ask for agreement but it is really up to them whether they will do it or not. This becomes increasingly difficult, I would assume, if one parent has the children more than the other parent. Week days verses weekends... every other weekend.... etc. Right. But actual custody is decided either in mediation or in court - how you actually split the time. 50/50 or 60/40. Weekdays with mom, weekends with dad. Summer holiday split in 1/2. Who gets Christmas, who gets Christmas Eve... How one handles the actual parenting is a whole different ball of wax. Co-parenting, parallel parenting.... a lot of it depends on the relationship with the ex and on the ages of the kids. And like in my situation, if your ex-spouse has a personality disorder. That makes parallel parenting the only real option. And there is certainly a price to pay whether you stay or go. For me the hardest thing to come to terms with was weighing the damage to them of being with my ex every other week without me being there to supervise and intervene vs my ability to survive in that environment. I had to ask the question what was better for my children. A week with their father and then a week with me? Or living with their father full time? I reached the difficult decision to leave after more than a year of agonizing. The things that weighted my decision were knowing that my kids were internalizing a bad example of how relationships worked. They saw their father put me down, belittle me, intentionally embarrass me in public, they saw him hit me. They saw him tell me I was hypersensitive when I would be sad or upset when he was cruel or insensitive. I wanted to be a better role model for my children. I wanted to show them that it’s not ok to accept being treated badly. It’s ok to take care of yourself. The other side of that decision was knowing my children would be spending two weeks a month with my ex. Hard to swallow. Was I putting my well being ahead of theirs? But I think having one completely safe home with a patient and supportive and unconditionally loving parent was better for them than always feeling on edge. It may not have been the right choice. It certainly isn’t ideal. But given my particular circumstances it was the best of bad choices. |
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Oct 11, 2019 7:23:57 GMT -5
In the US child custody along with numerous other decisions revolving around divorce are reached with in the state judicial system. Each state has it's own laws and statutes regarding divorce. Unfortunately since generally males are the primary source of income (money)most states take the view that males should have less time with their children so they can have more time to provide money for the kids support. This of coarse means a very lopsided arrangement for custody. Very, very seldom are fathers awarded a 50/50 option. Usually closer to 90/10 with the mother being the custodial parent.
|
|
|
|
Post by elynne on Oct 11, 2019 8:35:50 GMT -5
In the US child custody along with numerous other decisions revolving around divorce are reached with in the state judicial system. Each state has it's own laws and statutes regarding divorce. Unfortunately since generally males are the primary source of income (money)most states take the view that males should have less time with their children so they can have more time to provide money for the kids support. This of coarse means a very lopsided arrangement for custody. Very, very seldom are fathers awarded a 50/50 option. Usually closer to 90/10 with the mother being the custodial parent. Wow. That’s pretty crappy for involved fathers. And a huge responsibility to carry for moms! |
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on Oct 11, 2019 18:18:49 GMT -5
In the US child custody along with numerous other decisions revolving around divorce are reached with in the state judicial system. Each state has it's own laws and statutes regarding divorce. Unfortunately since generally males are the primary source of income (money)most states take the view that males should have less time with their children so they can have more time to provide money for the kids support. This of coarse means a very lopsided arrangement for custody. Very, very seldom are fathers awarded a 50/50 option. Usually closer to 90/10 with the mother being the custodial parent. Wow. That’s pretty crappy for involved fathers. And a huge responsibility to carry for moms! It is crappy for fathers and kids. It can also be crappy for the moms. However, I personally have seen more Dads get gored by the US system than moms. This is not to say my experience is typical. But too often, mothers use the children as weapons to "get back" at dad. They denigrate the father when he's not around. At worse, they turn the kids against the father which is inexcusable IMHO. I've lived it with my husband, who is not a bad guy. Truthfully, if I'd been married to his first wife, I might not like sex either at some point.🙄😔 Again that's not to say that that always happens or that there aren't dads out there who do the same thing. It's just my opinion that the divorce courts need to be more gender neutral in the US going forward. The way it is now too often discourages man from being fully involved parents and that's no good. Finally, this: no parent owes their children a perfect childhood. Parents deserve happiness too. And living with miserable, abused, unfulfilled parents is damaging to children. |
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Oct 13, 2019 7:05:02 GMT -5
Padgemi,, the Disney trip sounds like a horror. Why did you choose to go. Seems that by not going, you could have enjoyed the kind of zip code therapy I enjoyed when I declined my now ex husband’s offer to travel with him to the bike races he enjoyed participating in.
|
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on Oct 27, 2019 13:30:31 GMT -5
Padgemi,, the Disney trip sounds like a horror. Why did you choose to go. Seems that by not going, you could have enjoyed the kind of zip code therapy I enjoyed when I declined my now ex husband’s offer to travel with him to the bike races he enjoyed participating in. Bike races? Sounds like far too much exertion for a vacation to my liking as well. Glad you offloaded him, northstarmom! 😂😂😂 |
|
|
|
Post by jim44444 on Oct 28, 2019 9:36:03 GMT -5
Padgemi,, the Disney trip sounds like a horror. Why did you choose to go. Seems that by not going, you could have enjoyed the kind of zip code therapy I enjoyed when I declined my now ex husband’s offer to travel with him to the bike races he enjoyed participating in. Bike races? Sounds like far too much exertion for a vacation to my liking as well. Glad you offloaded him, northstarmom ! 😂😂😂 does this mean you do not want to participate in the Pittsburgh to DC ride? There will be tent camping included. 😅 |
|
|
|
Post by Handy on Oct 28, 2019 15:42:30 GMT -5
Jim
saarinista does this mean you do not want to participate in the Pittsburgh to DC ride? There will be tent camping included.
It is down hill at least part of the way.
|
|
