|
|
Post by Chatter Fox on May 27, 2016 14:12:08 GMT -5
That is what my wife asked for. I'm so confused. Aren't women typically wanting more of that? It's not like I even go overboard. If you count me going down on her, it'd be about 15-20 minutes tops. ...when there's no oral it's more like 5 minutes and I'm getting the hint to "move on". I read so many things and talk to so many people about this and everyone seems to give her the benefit of the doubt. But, I'm not stupid. My senses are telling me that I make her skin crawl.  I trust my senses. She doesn't even seem to like to kiss during foreplay. Sometimes she won't kiss back. Ever kiss lips that don't kiss back? It kind of hurts. I mean she's trying and that's better than what I got for the majority of my marriage but when it feels so unwelcome, I can't even bring myself to want to touch her either. If I don't turn her on, that's fine. I can live with that, but would it kill her to just be honest about it? It feels like a big lie when we manage to actually have sex. It's so messed up. |
|
|
|
Post by unmatched on May 27, 2016 14:23:01 GMT -5
My wife doesn't like foreplay or kissing and it is because she can't do the intimacy and connection. In some ways those things are more threatening than actual sex. So I would hazard a guess that your suspicions are probably right.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 27, 2016 15:01:34 GMT -5
She wants it all over quicker. It's something she doesn't like to do. This is what people have to realize when hoping their avoidant spouse will put forth some effort. It will be just that, effort. They do not want to be doing this. It's a concession. When hoping for "improvement" one shouldn't let one's expectations get too lofty. So many people in sexless marriages hope that counseling or some treatment or some change in their own behavior will solve the sexlessness. Maybe, probably not but maybe, you will get your spouse to have sex with you. But it won't be good sex. Going from sexless to good sex? Very rare.
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on May 27, 2016 15:06:45 GMT -5
Sounds like " duty sex"
|
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on May 27, 2016 15:25:39 GMT -5
Chatter Fox, I have to agree with the other replies here. I'm living the same storyline. Your wife is doing what she must, not what she wants. She doesn't want the experience, she wants it to be over. I'll speculate that the whole experience is minimalist, with as little engagement as possible from her. "Just do what you need and be done."
|
|
|
|
Post by Chatter Fox on May 27, 2016 15:51:45 GMT -5
Yep. I agree with all of you. She just wants it over with. She's almost said it that way as well. I've told her that I'm not interested if she's not interested. I've told her several times. It doesn't seem to be sinking in.
Well... it's sex... right? That's something. Better than nothing... or is it? Some days I can't decide.
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on May 27, 2016 16:09:24 GMT -5
Personally... Nothing is better. What she is doing is selfish, arrogant, rude, demoralizing, degrading, humiliating. There is no respect in it. You are being played, strung along, hung out to dry. So she can continue to pick your wallet.
Sorry to sound cold, ( not a good day) maybe you should hand her $40.00 and ask her to make it last. Isn't that what's happening anyways?
Feel for you brother,
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 27, 2016 16:49:16 GMT -5
this what men (bi sort of men) do. They will have sex that is no kissing or touching with other men. Kissing is way to personal for them. BJs and anal are no problem, but kissing is out.
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on May 27, 2016 17:17:41 GMT -5
Key to what you want Brother beeman, is wanting your avoidant spouse - "to just be honest about it".
-
An avoidant spouse, and honesty, is a very very rare combination. Not often seen present in the same situation.
-
Sister SmartKats avoidant a couple of months ago had an outburst of honesty, telling her "I am trying as much as I intend to" which essentially meant - "this is as good as it is going to get".
Sister SmartKat considered this statement, and gave him the arse.
-
Your missus IS (by her actions) sending you pretty a pretty clear message.
-
How you respond to her message (indeed 'whether' you respond to the message at all) is entirely your choice.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 27, 2016 17:32:21 GMT -5
As a woman, I'll chime in here and tell you - the other guys are right. If she doesn't want foreplay, she wants to get the whole thing over with as quickly as possible.
I know that hurts. But it also goes back to something I've said before:
If she loves you, she WILL fuck you. Don't accept any excuses that start out, "I love you BUT...."
Add to that:
Just because she fucks you, that does not necessarily mean she loves you.
(Women will fuck men they don't love. Prostitutes do it all the time.)
If she loves you, she WILL fuck you AND she won't want to rush through it.
(OK, occasionally you will both be so aroused you will just get right to the point. That does happen. But not usually every single time. Most women enjoy taking some time with the foreplay. Anyway - this never happens with a refuser.)
|
|
|
|
Post by Isabellas39 on May 27, 2016 17:38:07 GMT -5
I'm sorry ! In all honesty this is why I would not entertain the thought of going there with my husband again. When you have to direct someone on something that came naturally in the beginning it just pisses me off.. Begging and pleading for something that should be enjoyable for both seems highly frustrating to me. Placing a time limit on foreplay ? Good grief, I have no idea what these women truly want ...I agree with you that I would prefer to hear that I'm not desired in an intimate way, but isn't she saying this by her actions? Growing up I always heard the saying, actions speak louder than words ..I couldn't agree more!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 27, 2016 21:39:05 GMT -5
this what men (bi sort of men) do. They will have sex that is no kissing or touching with other men. Kissing is way to personal for them. BJs and anal are no problem, but kissing is out. Indeed, fucking can be cold and mechanical, but if you kiss someone (assuming they're kissing back) it's hard not to feel intimate. An avoidant spouse is probably more uncomfortable with the foreplay than the PIV. |
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on May 27, 2016 21:46:20 GMT -5
Chatter Fox, well... *is* it sex? I suppose congratulations that you got her naked enough to fuck, but I'm not sure it's actually better than an imaginary partner and some lube. I know I feel worse for the raw reminder that my wife has zero sexual desire for me. The harsh reality is that she is doing what she knows she must, in order to a) claim that your marriage isn't sexless and she did her part, regardless of how mechanical; and b) to placate you just enough to avoid divorce and destroy her comfortable world. My wife knows the score; she purposely deadpans all conversation about sex because she's smart enough to realize that an honest dialog will mean a conclusion will be reached. Like a politician telling a bald-faced lie about facts everyone knows to be contrary, she avoids having a definitive conversation. "There is no elephant in the room." How close does this match with your experience?
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 27, 2016 21:53:58 GMT -5
That is what my wife asked for. I'm so confused. Aren't women typically wanting more of that? It's not like I even go overboard. If you count me going down on her, it'd be about 15-20 minutes tops. ...when there's no oral it's more like 5 minutes and I'm getting the hint to "move on". I read so many things and talk to so many people about this and everyone seems to give her the benefit of the doubt. But, I'm not stupid. My senses are telling me that I make her skin crawl. I trust my senses. She doesn't even seem to like to kiss during foreplay. Sometimes she won't kiss back. Ever kiss lips that don't kiss back? It kind of hurts. I mean she's trying and that's better than what I got for the majority of my marriage but when it feels so unwelcome, I can't even bring myself to want to touch her either. If I don't turn her on, that's fine. I can live with that, but would it kill her to just be honest about it? It feels like a big lie when we manage to actually have sex. It's so messed up. --------------------- Spitting out my drink here Chatter Fox. What the...?? I don't know a woman on the planet who wants *less* foreplay. Sorry to say, I think you need to follow your gut on this one. Others have given great advice as to what is running through her head. As for whether any sex is better than no sex, well, depending on the day and how desperate I get, I'd take any sex over no sex. But that's just where I'm at these days. Hang in there. I'm really sorry your wife is hurting you like this. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 28, 2016 6:08:34 GMT -5
That is what my wife asked for. I'm so confused. Aren't women typically wanting more of that? It's not like I even go overboard. If you count me going down on her, it'd be about 15-20 minutes tops. ...when there's no oral it's more like 5 minutes and I'm getting the hint to "move on". I read so many things and talk to so many people about this and everyone seems to give her the benefit of the doubt. But, I'm not stupid. My senses are telling me that I make her skin crawl. I trust my senses. She doesn't even seem to like to kiss during foreplay. Sometimes she won't kiss back. Ever kiss lips that don't kiss back? It kind of hurts. I mean she's trying and that's better than what I got for the majority of my marriage but when it feels so unwelcome, I can't even bring myself to want to touch her either. If I don't turn her on, that's fine. I can live with that, but would it kill her to just be honest about it? It feels like a big lie when we manage to actually have sex. It's so messed up. --------------------- Spitting out my drink here Chatter Fox. What the...?? I don't know a woman on the planet who wants *less* foreplay. Sorry to say, I think you need to follow your gut on this one. Others have given great advice as to what is running through her head. As for whether any sex is better than no sex, well, depending on the day and how desperate I get, I'd take any sex over no sex. But that's just where I'm at these days. Hang in there. I'm really sorry your wife is hurting you like this. In my SM I'd have taken any sex over no sex. If you turn down bad sex, what does that leave you with? I would have lowered expectations and taken it for what it was. But even duty sex stopped so it became irrelevant. But then it was never really bad with us, sometimes it was very good. She just didn't want to most of the time. I remember some stories on EP about truly bad sex, like a guy's wife would cover her eyes with her hands, or out of shape husbands huffing and puffing, and of course erectile dysfunction in husbands who spent hours watching pornography and seemed to do just fine with imaginary women. That I can see passing on. |
|
I trust my senses. 
