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Post by lessingham on Sept 4, 2019 3:59:31 GMT -5
Whst is the old saying. Every time you have sex in the first year of marriage, put a cent in a bottle. Every time you have sex after the first year, take a cent out. You will never empty the bottle.
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 4, 2019 6:51:56 GMT -5
Whst is the old saying. Every time you have sex in the first year of marriage, put a cent in a bottle. Every time you have sex after the first year, take a cent out. You will never empty the bottle. My bottle was still empty at the end of the first year.
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Post by shamwow on Sept 4, 2019 7:19:54 GMT -5
In a cruel twist, my wedding anniversary was also my sexless anniversary.
Our 20th wedding anniversary marked my 3rd sexless anniversary. It also marked the day my divorce finalized.
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timedelay
Full Member
Posts: 153
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by timedelay on Sept 13, 2019 13:26:14 GMT -5
workingonit I know this one well. To measure sexlessness in decades is like joining an inner circle of the club no one wants to be a part of. It's crap but know that you're not alone. Hope you're feeling more optimistic about a sex filled future now?
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Post by Apocrypha on Sept 13, 2019 14:18:09 GMT -5
I used to do endless calculations, the total number of sex acts in an average marriage times years versus our sex life. I resented the "owed" sex acts. I would tick the sexless days on the calendar and so on. But in the end it becomes pointless. I an never going to get the past back and whether it has been a week, a month or a year she never builds up a head of sexual pressure as I do. In the end we all return to the implacable advice of Baza, poop or get off the pot. It is pointless as a form of argument to a spouse - as if to show a ledger owing. For me, it was invaluable in helping me get my head around the scale of the aversion, and also the damage it was likely doing (and that still lingers today). I looked at it and realized the ratio of my "bids" for nooky, to what was granted, was well over a 100 "no thanks" to every 1 "why not?". While I took a long and winding road, this little project prevented me from deluding myself about who desired whom, and who didn't.
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Post by lessingham on Sept 14, 2019 3:49:16 GMT -5
Okay, as a tool to examine the size of a problem, it has a point. As a battle weapon in arguements it is perhaps useful. But it will not bring back my lost sex life.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Sept 14, 2019 6:50:32 GMT -5
The "hit" ratio, the rate of successful attempts for all inititiations, is a useful metric for assessing the level and directional trend of intimacy in a relationship.
Its an objective fact that cant be argued against to gaslight you "but we just had sex last week/month/year".
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Post by angeleyes65 on Sept 25, 2019 9:30:12 GMT -5
I don't or didn't track bad milestones it's too self defeating. Unfortunately the actual marriage anniversary couldn't be totally ignored but I tried. Cards still came in the mail H wanted to " do something" . Don't dwell on the bad milestones when the thoughts can't be avoided make a mental list of steps forward, good things you have accomplished or changes you made big or small.
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Post by orangepeel on Sept 29, 2019 15:54:57 GMT -5
I know there are other threads like this but I am too tired to find them. Today is a terrible milestone for me. Today, Aug 29, is the 10 year no-sex-versary. Yes. An entire decade with no sex. I feel awful to have reached it. Pathetic, despite all the work I have done/am doing to work on my feelings of self worth. I hate that this relationship is still so powerful to suck me into its emotional black hole with just a look at a calendar. Do you track milestones, good or bad, with your refuser? I'm a milestone counter. Eight years in November, it’ll be. Now that’s shit. Every bit as shit as ten years. Because the number doesn’t matter. Or the only number that does matter is zero. When you have zero sex, every stat piles up against you. Here are two depressing ones for me. I’ve got two kids. One’s 19, and the other 18. I’ve never had sex when they were teenagers. And they’re both having sex now. So you’re sad about ten. I don’t blame you. You feel like the world’s overtaking you. But ten’s no different from eight or eleven or even twenty or whatever. It’s only a way of describing the effect of zero. Nothing more. Reading this back, I’m scared you’ll be more depressed than comforted! If you are, I’m sorry: that wasn’t my intention.
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Post by workingonit on Sept 29, 2019 17:04:54 GMT -5
I know there are other threads like this but I am too tired to find them. Today is a terrible milestone for me. Today, Aug 29, is the 10 year no-sex-versary. Yes. An entire decade with no sex. I feel awful to have reached it. Pathetic, despite all the work I have done/am doing to work on my feelings of self worth. I hate that this relationship is still so powerful to suck me into its emotional black hole with just a look at a calendar. Do you track milestones, good or bad, with your refuser? I'm a milestone counter. Eight years in November, it’ll be. Now that’s shit. Every bit as shit as ten years. Because the number doesn’t matter. Or the only number that does matter is zero. When you have zero sex, every stat piles up against you. Here are two depressing ones for me. I’ve got two kids. One’s 19, and the other 18. I’ve never had sex when they were teenagers. And they’re both having sex now. So you’re sad about ten. I don’t blame you. You feel like the world’s overtaking you. But ten’s no different from eight or eleven or even twenty or whatever. It’s only a way of describing the effect of zero. Nothing more. Reading this back, I’m scared you’ll be more depressed than comforted! If you are, I’m sorry: that wasn’t my intention. No worries. It makes me feel a little better to have company, as we all know about. It is a sorry, sad boat we are all sailing in but we are not alone and that is a comfort of sorts.
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Post by rodglw on Sept 30, 2019 2:25:42 GMT -5
It’s been 21 years for me. I too have kept track of the years. It hurts just as much now as it did at 1year. Sadly I keep making excuses about why I can’t leave. Outsourcing helps, but then you still go home every day to where you feel unloved and taken for granted.
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Post by baza on Sept 30, 2019 4:18:19 GMT -5
Original question - "Do you track milestones, good or bad, with your refuser?"
There was a time when I did. "Surely our anniversary will provoke some sexual action" I'd think. "Valentines day is near, that'll be the trigger for the resurrection of our sex life" I'd hope. "Her birthday is only a week away, she'll be hanging out for a root by then" I'd speculate.
These, and other events were - I hoped - going to be of great significance, and would surely awake my missus' desire.
Now I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but even I eventually observed that these assorted dates (upon which I hung to as being of great potential change) were not resulting in anything.
Anyway, if you want to note anniversary dates to mark the passage of the years, I don't see any harm in that. But I do think it unwise to attach any expectation to the dates.
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Post by elynne on Sept 30, 2019 4:36:33 GMT -5
Original question - "Do you track milestones, good or bad, with your refuser?" There was a time when I did. "Surely our anniversary will provoke some sexual action" I'd think. "Valentines day is near, that'll be the trigger for the resurrection of our sex life" I'd hope. "Her birthday is only a week away, she'll be hanging out for a root by then" I'd speculate. These, and other events were - I hoped - going to be of great significance, and would surely awake my missus' desire. Now I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but even I eventually observed that these assorted dates (upon which I hung to as being of great potential change) were not resulting in anything. Anyway, if you want to note anniversary dates to mark the passage of the years, I don't see any harm in that. But I do think it unwise to attach any expectation to the dates. I’ve never been very good with anniversaries or dates. It took me by surprise when I counted back and discovered it had been more than a year since the ex and I had had sex. I knew I felt rejected. I knew I felt pathetic when I would beg for a kiss. I knew my self esteem had deteriorated. Aside from dates, recognizing the symptoms, the damage it does to your psyche and doing something about it is critical. Now - just on the other side of my escape - I notice that there is a part of me that is waiting for my new partner to lose interest; on alert for any decrease in touching or contact. Though there is no evidence that it will happen. He loves kissing, touching, cuddling. It’s delicious. My ‘alert system’ needs to settle down and just enjoy the intimacy. Given time I think I’ll get there.
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Post by deadzone75 on Sept 30, 2019 18:30:19 GMT -5
Whst is the old saying. Every time you have sex in the first year of marriage, put a cent in a bottle. Every time you have sex after the first year, take a cent out. You will never empty the bottle. I had ten cents at the end of the first year.
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Post by lessingham on Oct 1, 2019 9:20:01 GMT -5
I went the year. I mentioned to my wife that an unconsumated marriage can be dissolved, even in the Catholic Church! That did the trick for a few weeks, then normal indifferent and infrequent service resumed.
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