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Post by elynne on Jul 2, 2019 0:17:37 GMT -5
To Sadkat, esp. when a man's member stops working right, the need to get off doesn't go away. Sometimes it intensifies! It's just more difficult (and more embarrassing) to try to get it in the right place. But most of us can still get aroused enough to come, and can even do so with a "limp willy". In such a sitch, an understanding spouse would make all the diff in the world, but they seem to be rare as unicorns. (If they weren't so rare, this forum wouldn't exist.) Masturbating together is not as satisfying as sex, but it's better than what you describe, but how many w's would go for that? Be honest... Towards the end of my 13 year marriage I had an affair with a man that I felt attracted to from the day I met him. With a lot of struggle, wisdom prevailed for a time and we remained friends. But as the friendship slowly developed, so did desire. We ended up eventually beginning an affair. Despite being healthy, not having erection problems before, and being very attracted to me, he couldn’t have an erection. He was worried and embarrassed, it could easily have become a big thing. A small part of me thought - what luck! I’m married for 13 years to a man who isn’t attracted to me and has no interest in sex with me. I find someone who falls head over heels for me, is enormously turned on by me but can’t get it up. But, we kept communicating. I wanted to know if there was anything that I could do differently, or not do, to help. I assured him that despite not having intercourse, sex with him was still the best in my life. That I had faith that we would sort things out, but that if things never changed I was still very happy. I was completely overwhelmed by his attention when he touched me, how he touched me and how good it felt. I worried for him, that he might feel frustrated. But at least for my part I was satisfied. I told him we could take things really slowly. Just lying together and kissing was almost too much sometimes. Periodically we’d talk about what might be causing it. We talked about his guilt over divorcing his wife. He thinks that being with someone he was so attracted to and so in love with was a bit of overload for his system. Everything was just too intense. Long story short, we continued being intimate without intercourse. We kissed and touched and cuddled. He would make me come again and again and again. And slowly for him his erections started to return, they started to get more firm and it became easier for him to come. A few weeks ago he came inside of me for the first time. It took us 6 months of open communication, patience and continuing to be intimate to reach a point where he has no trouble with erections now. My point in telling this story - if a man likes sex and likes sex with you, he’ll work to sort out not being able to get an erection. My ex, didn’t really like sex. He certainly didn’t like sex with me. In the once a year (give or take) that we had sex he didn’t have an issue getting or maintaining an erection. He just didn’t want to. On the other hand, my new beau is intent on giving me pleasure regardless of whether he was able to get off himself or not. He enjoys touching me, loves going down on me. And was willing to work on his erection issues because it was something he was intrinsically motivated to do. He loves sex. (Ok maybe that’s a bit of projection 😁) but I think he certainly enjoys it. And there in lies the difference. We can’t make our partners like sex.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 3, 2019 9:37:05 GMT -5
missma2019Welcome and I’m glad you found this forum it will help. I agree and cannot add much more that hasn’t already been said it one thing that I do believe is if your H is not interested in your sexuality then YOUR sexuality is none of his business so if you feel the need to outsource in order to figure out what you want for yourself. Focus on yourself and what will make you happy!!
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 3, 2019 10:03:28 GMT -5
If your man’s low desire bothered him, he’d be running to get medical help. You wouldn’t have to beg him. I have to slightly disagree here. I don't remember missma 2019 saying she tried begging him to see a doctor. I went for months not initiating without realizing it. Then one day I was pretty horney and started thinking about how long it had been since we has done anything. I realized I was not initiating and had not for months. I had been unaware of it. So I had my free testosterone checked. Turns out it was below 100, when it should have been somewhere between 6-700. I started a supplement regime and it took a couple months before it was up where it should be. So he may not be completely at fault. But he needs to see a dr. If his T is really low then it may not seem important to him since he has no desire. But if he cares for missma 2019 then he should be doing what needs doing to please her sexually.
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Post by snowman12345 on Jul 3, 2019 20:42:46 GMT -5
If your man’s low desire bothered him, he’d be running to get medical help. You wouldn’t have to beg him. I have to slightly disagree here. I don't remember missma 2019 saying she tried begging him to see a doctor. I went for months not initiating without realizing it. Then one day I was pretty horney and started thinking about how long it had been since we has done anything. I realized I was not initiating and had not for months. I had been unaware of it. So I had my free testosterone checked. Turns out it was below 100, when it should have been somewhere between 6-700. I started a supplement regime and it took a couple months before it was up where it should be. So he may not be completely at fault. But he needs to see a dr. If his T is really low then it may not seem important to him since he has no desire. But if he cares for missma 2019 then he should be doing what needs doing to please her sexually. Funny thing, my wife suggested I get my testosterone level checked. I asked her why? She said, "because it might be low". She has made no real effort to at our relationship for the last 7 years - I'm supposed to believe she is concerned about my T level now? Maybe she is, I don't know... I do know that I am staying, but I will put as much effort into this marriage as I see my wife putting in. Just not beating myself up over it anymore.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 3, 2019 21:18:14 GMT -5
snowman12345, you got me to thinking. Could this be a round about way for you to maneuver your W into a sex filled corner? If it were me I might consider telling her she was right about your T being low. After a bit, start telling her the treatments are working and your erections have your skin stretched so tight you can't blink. Since you got the T are her suggestion it's up to her to take care of you. What do you think?
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Post by elynne on Jul 3, 2019 22:37:48 GMT -5
snowman12345, you got me to thinking. Could this be a round about way for you to maneuver your W into a sex filled corner? If it were me I might consider telling her she was right about your T being low. After a bit, start telling her the treatments are working and your erections have your skin stretched so tight you can't blink. Since you got the T are her suggestion it's up to her to take care of you. What do you think? That doesn’t sound like the basis for a mutually loving and respectful relationship. I think it sounds manipulative. Even though I love sex, if my partner came to me with such an approach I’d be upset that he was being manipulative and not treating me as an equal partner in the relationship. With the history of snowman12345’s marriage, I could see it building resentment and having the unintended effect of less intimacy.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 4, 2019 6:58:06 GMT -5
snowman12345, you got me to thinking. Could this be a round about way for you to maneuver your W into a sex filled corner? If it were me I might consider telling her she was right about your T being low. After a bit, start telling her the treatments are working and your erections have your skin stretched so tight you can't blink. Since you got the T are her suggestion it's up to her to take care of you. What do you think? That doesn’t sound like the basis for a mutually loving and respectful relationship. I think it sounds manipulative. Even though I love sex, if my partner came to me with such an approach I’d be upset that he was being manipulative and not treating me as an equal partner in the relationship. With the history of snowman12345 ’s marriage, I could see it building resentment and having the unintended effect of less intimacy. You're right, it's not the basis for a mutually loving and respectful relationship. But if you are familiar with snoiwman12345's marriage I doubt you would characterize his W's attitude as loving and respectful as it stands today. And I don't see the relationship currently as being based on an equal partnership. As to building resentment I would disagree. If this hypothetical approach were to actually lead to more sex and intimacy I don't quite see that adding to resentment. I should think the effect would be the exact opposite. More sex would not add up to less intimacy if it actually worked. But it's all hypothetical since we don't know the rational for Ms. snowman's suggestion his testosterone might be low.
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 4, 2019 11:55:29 GMT -5
If you want it to go there, snowman12345, your wife has cracked the door open, whether or not she intended to. If you were to get yourself checked out, it’s premise for her to be expected to do the same. Maybe opening the topic to be revisited. Certainly, if you ignore her comment, there’s no catalyst for things to change.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 4, 2019 12:01:06 GMT -5
If you want it to go there, snowman12345 , your wife has cracked the door open, whether or not she intended to. If you were to get yourself checked out, it’s premise for her to be expected to do the same. Maybe opening the topic to be revisited. Certainly, if you ignore her comment, there’s no catalyst for things to change. I like where you are headed here DryCreek. Perhaps a conversation along the lines of HRT for her to compliment snowman's amped up testosterone levels. We have to be careful though, this approach could end up creating a monster.
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Post by missma2019 on Jul 4, 2019 15:28:02 GMT -5
Sorry to hear about your SM. I have some questions Do you have children? If so what ages? How long have you been married? Was sex/intimicy frequent in the past (put in terms of x per month) ? How often is sex now? Or when was last time if it's been very long time? As for porn, depending on how saavy he is, he might be covering his tracks. . Hey larry101, sorry it’s taken a while to answer your question. Work has gotten the best of me the last couple of days. We have 2 adorable kids, really young 5&7. Been together for 9 years married for 5. Sex was much better in the past, frequent, hot even. It depended, sometimes it would be several times a week and then it trickled down to once every month and now it’s near non-existent. The last time was 6 or 7 months ago. As I said, he spends his time sleeping on the sofa. I used to try to spend some time downstairs with him to see if we get in the mood...I have given up coz the rejection is just too hurtful. Or he’ll be perfunctory which is worse than no sex. He also travels a lot for work which would mean fun times when he’s back. Zero. He is the opposite of savvy when it comes to porn, I used to happen into his porn business in the past coz we are pretty open with our tech gadgets. No more porn. Which makes me think he is completely asexual- I couldn’t handle that.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 4, 2019 16:15:32 GMT -5
missma2019...You stated earlier that you are 40. Is your H much older than you? Early 40's is pretty young to be having desire or performance issues. I'm no sexologist but I don't think asexuality is something that comes with aging. If you are asexual I think you are that way from early on. This sort of leaves me thinking perhaps the 2 of you have simply grown apart, him more so than you. Still the progression of sexlessness doesn't seem to easily fit into the norm. Even if he doesn't feel much love for you anymore a normal male is unlikely to repeatedly turn down sex. Hopefully some of the other member will have a more introspective thought on your situation.
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Post by baza on Jul 4, 2019 19:42:50 GMT -5
There are all sorts of possible reasons why your spouse is not interested in having sex with you Sister missma2019 . And any given "why" is just as good as another, as the outcome - you being sexually disenfranchised - is the same. "Why" that is so is not a matter over which you have any control - it is what it is. The fact is, that for reasons unknown, your particular dynamic has produced a situation where you are sexually disenfranchised, and that fact, you can take to the bank. That puts you on par with Sisters choosinghappy , ballofconfusion , workingonit , elynne and numerous others. All in situations where they have been sexually disenfranchised. Different "whys" may be in play, but the outcome remains constant .... an ILIASM deal has resulted.
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Post by csl on Jul 4, 2019 22:32:55 GMT -5
Funny thing, my wife suggested I get my testosterone level checked. I asked her why? She said, "because it might be low". She has made no real effort to at our relationship for the last 7 years - I'm supposed to believe she is concerned about my T level now? Maybe she is, I don't know... I do know that I am staying, but I will put as much effort into this marriage as I see my wife putting in. Just not beating myself up over it anymore. I admit that this has got me curious. I'd be interesting what type of answer a straightforward question like, "Does it really matter to you if it is? If so, why?", might elicit.
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Post by snowman12345 on Jul 6, 2019 7:37:37 GMT -5
If you want it to go there, snowman12345 , your wife has cracked the door open, whether or not she intended to. If you were to get yourself checked out, it’s premise for her to be expected to do the same. Maybe opening the topic to be revisited. Certainly, if you ignore her comment, there’s no catalyst for things to change. It would be interesting if I wanted to change her - but I am not going down that rabbit hole again. I have accepted things as they are and I have a solution that works for me. Some will say having an AP is immoral, unfair and will end in disaster. First, you have to make me care. I have peace in my house and in my spirit. I can focus my energy on the next adventure in life.
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Post by snowman12345 on Jul 6, 2019 7:47:28 GMT -5
snowman12345, you got me to thinking. Could this be a round about way for you to maneuver your W into a sex filled corner? If it were me I might consider telling her she was right about your T being low. After a bit, start telling her the treatments are working and your erections have your skin stretched so tight you can't blink. Since you got the T are her suggestion it's up to her to take care of you. What do you think? I would say it is not worth the effort. In the past, any approach has led to starfish, reset sex. I don't think I have the desire for her sexually anymore. I think she is equating my low energy level with something physically wrong - not the fact that I work 10-11 hour days and come home exhausted (and I am getting older, too).
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