I wish I could link to my old stories on EP for those who might be interested. Long story short, I was married for 7 years (together for 9.5) to a man who turned out to be, as I learned on EP, deeply passive aggressive. Not a bad person, not evil, but totally wrapped up in his own issues, his own anger, his own entitlement and completely unable to take responsibility for or even recognize any of it---including when I tried to force him to, which of course just made it worse. During this marriage, I learned a lot about human nature and psychology. I figured out from a book that his crazy mother had a textbook case of narcissistic personality disorder. I learned from a therapist that mine has Borderline. I realized that the essential question in all dysfunctional relationships is not "why do they treat me this way?" it's "why do I let them?"
Once I saw this pattern of dysfunction I couldn't stop seeing it. My ex-husband is not at all my mother on the surface, but they are/were both relationships in which the other person's needs and emotions ALWAYS took precedence over mine. In fact, that I even have any subjective experience of the relationship, or that I have my own emotional life, or that they could affect me negatively---and that they should care if they do!---is not a reality for them. It may look different, but the feeling I always had of walking on eggshells, being what I called "the emotional cruise director" of their bad/volatile moods, worrying about setting them off, etc is essentially the same.
The way I've come to describe this paradigm is "being in someone else's movie." In each case, I feel like the other person gave me a script that I am supposed to read, which I'm not allowed to deviate from because it's THEIR MOVIE. I'm definitely not allowed to improvise or ad lib and if I do, I get punished in some way. It's a form of control, plain and simple.
What I finally FINALLY have gotten in a very deep way is that I don't have to read anyone else's script. I don't have to play the role they've designed for me. I can be in my own movie, or we can be in the same one, but only if we are truly collaborating on the outcome. I'm tired of being controlled and forced into acting out roles I never even (consciously) signed up for. Apparently I DID in many cases choose to play it, and did so for a long time. But I'm done with that now.
During this crazy period I met my current husband who could not be more opposite. He's amazingly sensitive, generous, thoughtful, and respectful of me in all ways. And like me, he grew up around some crazy, so he was also trained from birth to worry about everyone else's emotional needs before his own. It's been very helpful to both of us to mirror each other and help the other STOP enabling the bloodsuckers in our lives, whether they are in the form of dysfunctional relationships, dead end jobs/projects, annoying clients, whatever. We are both FINALLY learning to pay attention when we have that icky, uncomfortable feeling about someone or some situation and not rationalize it, justify it or ignore it.
In the past few years while my life was imploding and getting rebuilt in this new, much healthier form, I noticed that the person I used to consider my best friend was growing more distant. She lives in another country, and we've been friends since we were 15 so it's gone up and down over the years, and I didn't really take it that seriously. But now that time has passed and I've rid myself of so many draining people and situations, I see how closely my friendship with her resembles these other relationships. I spend so much time worrying why she's acting weird, is she mad at me, why is she down, don't bring up that topic because it might set off one of her hang ups or insecurities, etc etc. And what's clear is IT'S SO MUCH WORK TO BE FRIENDS WITH HER. What am I even getting out of this relationship at this point? Now that I have a real live toddler to take care of, I don't have the energy or desire to caretake a grown woman's emotional needs. No more.
So I guess what I've learned is that for some of us, we choose to repeat patterns over and over, patterns we learned in childhood or patterns we fell into. But we don't have to. Getting divorced is a huge loss but also a huge liberation, especially if it helps you see where you are mindlessly repeating the same mistakes. And we don't have to! After a certain amount of loss (and for me the last few years have been a freaking BONANZA of loss), it's not that scary to let go anymore. I survived so many things already and I'm happier now than ever. The more dysfunction I get rid of, the lighter I feel. I don't have to read anyone else's script anymore.
Hope that is useful to someone else!
