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Post by northstarmom on Jun 9, 2019 7:31:59 GMT -5
“. He has nothing sat aside for his old age, wont be earning national insurance credits to go towards his pension. I’ve told him my family didn’t leave me money to fund his lazy lifestyle.”
Unless you dump his lazy ass ASAP you will be funding his old age as well as continuing to subsidize his middle age. What’s so great about his company that you pay for his dinners out, vacations etc.? He sounds lazy, self centered, and boring.
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 9, 2019 12:03:54 GMT -5
There’s no money actually coming in barring £250 a month from a state benefit for looking after mum, the money is, at the moment, a lump sum I’ve been drawing down on until another inheritance clears probate. The money to pay for your lifestyle is coming from somewhere: your inheritance. He may not be entitled to half of the inheritance asset, but you can be on the hook to pay him alimony to maintain the lifestyle you’ve been funding. Talk to a lawyer. Time is your enemy.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 9, 2019 12:13:37 GMT -5
I think I am going to rain on your parade as to Mr. Facebook. He reads like just about as big a looser as your H. It sounds like you contacted him and continued reading has me thinking it is primarily you doing the pursuing. Let's look at Mr. Facebook. Mid 30's and still single, never having married. No other female seems to have fancied him is my take. How enthusiastic is he for a rekindling of the sexcapades of yesteryear? When you tried to lead him into a meetup he coughs up he is too poor to spring for a room since mommy and daddy have closed their hotel. He holds out some hope that if they reopen the hotel and he can use a room there he might be willing. Hardly sounds promising.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 9, 2019 12:27:32 GMT -5
“Wondering how to go from here, this man I’m talking to has said the following: So my parents had a hotel when we were together, he was saying how he never got to stay in the actual hotel and I said oh but you got the preferred option, he said if it ever reopened then he’d be up for a repeat visit but I have no clue if he’s being not so subtle about saying he’d be game or if he’d run for the hills, I remember him being shy and not putting in the first move..... I also told him I felt guilty about how we were chatting and he said no need it’s not like we’re sexting?!?!
He was saying about how he’s poor during the uni holidays and did I know anyone who wanted a gigolo (jokingly) I said no he’s stuck with me, he then said can I afford and I told him I had a Kirby grip down the sofa I could pay with....which got onto me saying that I like a man with short hair but long enough to run my fingers through, he was all ‘oh it just so happens I need a trim’ ”
I agree with worksforme. FB guy sounds like the same kind of lazy loser your h is. He just wants a sugar mommy.
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Post by Chooky on Jun 9, 2019 14:10:31 GMT -5
I don’t think I explained myself very well ....
I genuinely feel that Mr Facebook was trying to be flirty, it was me that jokingly called him a gigolo and when he was talking about checking back in he was talking about ‘preferred setup’ which was sex in my parents house (the usual way that a wild teenager gets a fling to stay when she’s alone in the house for a couple of weeks).
I’m not judging him for being single, I’m well aware that relationships deteriorate and break up (else why are most of us on the forum?)
I’m well aware that the only positive thing I have going for myself is the money in the bank.
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Post by Chooky on Jun 9, 2019 14:11:23 GMT -5
I don’t think I explained myself very well .... I genuinely feel that Mr Facebook was trying to be flirty, it was me that jokingly called him a gigolo and when he was talking about checking back in he was talking about ‘preferred setup’ which was sex in my parents house (the usual way that a wild teenager gets a fling to stay when she’s alone in the house for a couple of weeks). I’m not judging him for being single, I’m well aware that relationships deteriorate and break up (else why are most of us on the forum?) I’m well aware that the only positive thing I have going for myself is the money in the bank. And meant to say FB guy is going to uni to get a good job unlike my OH
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 9, 2019 15:54:15 GMT -5
Chooky said: “I’m well aware that the only positive thing I have going for myself is the money in the bank.”
Do you really believe that? If so, why do you think so little of yourself?
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Post by Handy on Jun 9, 2019 16:02:30 GMT -5
Chooky which was sex in my parents house (the usual way that a wild teenager gets a fling to stay when she’s alone in the house for a couple of weeks). Metaphorically, Pussy is worth $10 and cock is worth $1 on the open market, so why were you the one paying $10 for his $1 cock back then? I only say this because you said "gets a fling to stay when she is alone in the house," AND "I’m well aware that the only positive thing I have going for myself is the money in the bank." You might be (actually are) undervaluing your worth in some relationships. Here is how I see things. If were both the same age, lived close to each other, I would be working, have my own place, not expect you to cook or clean for me and I certainly would not take your money. If you insisted, I would be sort of OK with you paying for half of the entertainment and travel. OK, some of my limitations: Maybe sex 4 times a day for a couple of days to weeks but after that maybe 3 or 4 times a week. I do most of the cooking but I not fond of picky eaters. We both go to the 2 or 3 times a week. OK, those are some things I think are normal. I just presented them to show you with the right man you would be treated better. For the record I am not that lucky in my marriage so I partially understand your position with regard to a love and sex life. It is sometimes difficult to aim for a really good relationship when we have been in a crappy relationship for too long.
Also I agree with what northstarmom just posted. One of the things you can work on is thinking you have more and better options in life and love.
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Post by Chooky on Jun 9, 2019 16:26:29 GMT -5
Okay, so.... I think, like a lot of people, my faith in my attractiveness has been severely shaken by the sexless marriage. I equate my worth in how I look. I feel that for my husband to have no interest in sex (or indeed spending meaningful time with me) it must be to do with how awful I must look.
A couple of times when I’ve complained about the lack of sex my hubby has said ‘well we can’t have sex because we’re both fat’ and I’ve tried to point out that I had a wild and varied sex life before meeting him. This hasn’t helped my self perception. There’s an issue with his lack of length and plumpness meaning there’s not much protruding and I’ve said if he tries to lose weight then it might work, he refuses to try to lose weight and now I feel as though he’s using it as a shield - if he doesn’t lose the weight he won’t have to have sex with me (whether that’s because he finds me unattractive or because he doesn’t want to risk failing again I don’t know)
In the past few month since I’ve received my inheritance I’ve shelled out on lip fillers, Botox, lots of makeup, clothes, beauty treatments etc. As well as holidays (I’ve put the booking of holidays down to still being in the throes of bereavement but wonder if it’s me booking hubby’s time away). He’s complained about holidays saying that he doesn’t want all these luxury tropical all inclusive holidays.....
For a long time my parents told me that people would be after me for the money in the bank, inversely I felt that meant that it was the only thing going for me. My confidence was knocked in the last relationship (gaslighting ex) and I feel now that I’m not much of a catch. There’s not many men fight between themselves to date a chubby ugly woman who spends her days caring for her elderly mentally ill mum......
Mr Facebook is making me feel like the desired sexy woman I want to be, I’m not thinking I want to pursue a relationship but that I’d like to get my needs met even just once.
I throw at hubby that I’d like to have sex before I die even tho I’m just 36 and I know that that’s probably to do with the level of grief and bereavement I’m going through still.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 9, 2019 16:47:39 GMT -5
While it’s a good idea for everyone to try to look good, anyone who puts their self worth on their looks is fighting a losing battle. Live long enough and one gets old and even with facelifts, weight loss and Botox will still show signs of age.
What do you admire in other people beside their looks? Cultivating those traits or developing those skills would help you become a person whom you think highly of and who as a result others cherish for more than your money.
You are right that being fat is not a reason to lack a sex life. Still, you can’t make your h love you the way you want. You can become s person whom you value for more than your money and looks. That self respect will attract others to you who will appreciate you for more than your money.
Sessions with a therapist who helps you value yourself would probably result in more positive changes in your life than more plastic surgery. Such changes would help you let go of your leech husband. You’d realize you deserve better.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 9, 2019 18:54:51 GMT -5
A sexless marriage is a mind fuck. Not having my needs for filled undermined my sense of self-worth, eventually leading to contemplating and planning a suicide attempt.
You have now going for you then what you think and are worth having the marriage you desire, including a partner that wants to fuck you how you want and need.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 9, 2019 19:46:04 GMT -5
Chooky, how do people even know you have money? Do you talk about it or talk about expensive material goods or trips you take? Do you shower then with gifts or automatically pick up the tab? I have several friends who are well off including some I’d known for years before I learned they are wealthy. Our friendship was based on common interests not what they could buy for me.
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Post by Chooky on Jun 10, 2019 0:45:20 GMT -5
Chooky, how do people even know you have money? Do you talk about it or talk about expensive material goods or trips you take? Do you shower then with gifts or automatically pick up the tab? I have several friends who are well off including some I’d known for years before I learned they are wealthy. Our friendship was based on common interests not what they could buy for me. I tend to automatically pay for things, I don’t talk about the money itself but, for example, we live in a nice house that my mum, dad and aunt helped pay for. Up until I received the money I worked hard in crappy low paid jobs to get by and tended to shop A LOT, getting myself into debt. Nowadays I like going on holiday and might post pics etc on Facebook. I don’t buy a lot of giant purchases although have been thinking about a secondhand (or third etc) cheapish convertible for the summer, certainly not new though. I went to a private school years ago although the friends I have from there are ones who had been scholarship kids for example. I have a couple of friends outwith that, one of whom, like me, has been used to paying for things, she has a side job on top of her normal job which she works super hard at (we met when I hired her to clean for my mum and aunt). We both bemoaned that people asked a lot from us financially. I had very few friends st school, even though it was private I learned that the way to get people to like me was to buy things. That way the bullying stopped.
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Post by Handy on Jun 10, 2019 1:12:38 GMT -5
Chooky, it took me a long time to see myself as valuable apart from what I did for people or about anything related to money.
It is easy to buy things for people but how about putting more thoughts into the relationship dynamics and evaluate how people like you because of who you are and nothing about anything to do with money.
Think more about what you like in common with other people and what they have in common with your interests. It isn't easy sometimes but that is part of my immediate or short term goals related to changing relationships for the better.
About the "shopping a lot" My W does that. It is something that irritates me because for instance, who can wear 50 pair of shoes, especially if they rarely eave the house and watch TV for 12+ a day.
Chooky, your true value is not how much money you have, it is what is in your heart and sole.
I commend you for taking care of failing relatives. My W's relatives and some of mine are old and can no longer be cared for at home so I visited them a lot after working all day and on the weekends. I could only provide little comforts here and there without interfering with the care home staff, but I did what I could at the time. I was on the go and it took a while to rested even after the person's death.
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Post by baza on Jun 10, 2019 2:11:48 GMT -5
Chooky I would bet that if you stay with your spouse long enough, the 'problem' of having surplus money will cease to be an issue.
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