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Post by saarinista on May 23, 2019 14:46:28 GMT -5
Too young... said: “ I never "had game" when I was 30, fit and nicer looking. It's not like there are going to be women lined up for the 50+ version of me.” Mature women of any age aren’t looking for “game.” This espevially is true of middle aged and older women. They want a man who is caring, empathic, and not a financial drain on them. Women who want sex want a man who is sexually capable and compatible with them. Well said, northstarmom.
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Post by sadkat on May 23, 2019 15:58:11 GMT -5
Too young... said: “ I never "had game" when I was 30, fit and nicer looking. It's not like there are going to be women lined up for the 50+ version of me.” Mature women of any age aren’t looking for “game.” This espevially is true of middle aged and older women. They want a man who is caring, empathic, and not a financial drain on them. Women who want sex want a man who is sexually capable and compatible with them. Well said, northstarmom. I second that! Stop thinking that you won’t be desirable to someone else. That’s BS and a big consequence of a SM.
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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2019 16:43:35 GMT -5
I don't feel completely unappealing and don't have any particular impetus to change much. I'm healthy, reasonably active, gainfully employed and have only an average amount of crazy but I know i'm not a George Clooney lookalike with a trust fund either. Where I am is that I'm not willing to let go of what I have which is mostly good (including for the stability of our kids-we're not hideously dysfunctional, just sexless) for the theoretical notion of a more intimate life.
I know venting-stayers are frustrating for those of you who solved their situation by leaving it. However, the discussions are helpful for us.
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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2019 16:57:33 GMT -5
I do now have a secret desire to set up a tinder profile. "Caring empathetic 300 lb. deformed man"
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Post by northstarmom on May 23, 2019 16:58:43 GMT -5
tooyoungtobeold: If you want to and plan to stay in your marriage, that's fine. Staying or leaving is so personal that it's a choice everyone must make for themselves. No need, however, to put yourself down to justify staying. One doesn't need to have megabucks or movie star looks to have other chances at romance than a SM. Fine to vent here. To avoid getting advice to leave, it can help to say that you are choosing to stay and aren't looking for help leaving.
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Post by sadkat on May 23, 2019 19:23:03 GMT -5
I don't feel completely unappealing and don't have any particular impetus to change much. I'm healthy, reasonably active, gainfully employed and have only an average amount of crazy but I know i'm not a George Clooney lookalike with a trust fund either. Where I am is that I'm not willing to let go of what I have which is mostly good (including for the stability of our kids-we're not hideously dysfunctional, just sexless) for the theoretical notion of a more intimate life. I know venting-stayers are frustrating for those of you who solved their situation by leaving it. However, the discussions are helpful for us. I understand you’re venting but putting yourself down is unhealthy regardless of whether you are staying or leaving. It only compounds your unhappiness and hopelessness. Taking care of yourself should be your priority. That includes being positive about yourself.
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Post by sadkat on May 23, 2019 19:28:52 GMT -5
tooyoungtobeold: If you want to and plan to stay in your marriage, that's fine. Staying or leaving is so personal that it's a choice everyone must make for themselves. No need, however, to put yourself down to justify staying. One doesn't need to have megabucks or movie star looks to have other chances at romance than a SM. Fine to vent here. To avoid getting advice to leave, it can help to say that you are choosing to stay and aren't looking for help leaving. And, if you’d like to avoid getting these kinds of comments, you might want to consider posting in “Choosing to Stay”.
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Post by baza on May 23, 2019 20:19:55 GMT -5
I don't feel completely unappealing and don't have any particular impetus to change much. I'm healthy, reasonably active, gainfully employed and have only an average amount of crazy but I know i'm not a George Clooney lookalike with a trust fund either. Where I am is that I'm not willing to let go of what I have which is mostly good (including for the stability of our kids-we're not hideously dysfunctional, just sexless) for the theoretical notion of a more intimate life. I know venting-stayers are frustrating for those of you who solved their situation by leaving it. However, the discussions are helpful for us. If you join this group it is a given that you are only too well aware what living in an ILIASM deal is like. You are probably something of an expert in this field. What you probably don't know a real lot about, is what the alternative - not being in an ILIASM deal - might look like. So if you are to make a fully informed choice about your way forward, it is the "not being in an ILIASM deal" area where you are probably not particularly well informed. Consequently, many comments on your post might attract ask some very pointed questions about the advisability of the "staying" option. And put forward the "leaving" option for consideration. That might come across as endorsing the "leave" option as the path that ought be followed by everyone. That's not really the message. I think that the underlying message here is, that you need to make a fully informed choice. And just about any member here is - or was once - an expert in being fully informed about what living in an ILIASM deal is like. But not too many are fully informed about what not being in an ILIASM deal is like. So consequently, a lot of comment/suggestion/advice is slanted toward the leave option .... the option that a newbie may not know a real lot about. See, if you fully check out the leave option, and add it to your first hand knowledge of what the stay option involves, then, you can make a fully informed choice. "What" you choose is entirely down to you .... but as long as you make a fully informed choice, you really can't go too far wrong. On the other hand, if you make a choice based on only half the information .... the chances of that working out in your longer term best interests are not real good.
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2019 11:45:08 GMT -5
Maybe you can point out that if she is too old, then she should have no problem with you finding a friend that can. To baza's point. There's no reason to point out anything. It's not that if I say, "Here is a copy of an article on sex over the age of 50 and clearly you can see that XX% of the population remains.....blahblah"
It doesn't matter. Before menopause it was other stuff, all of the "whys" that I chased for decades. She is just LL and that's that. Once she had a really good out (menopause) then it was just a done deal. I'm not trying to fix anything, not looking for a sex partner. I come here because it's part of my own coping but I cope pretty well these days mostly because I have learned a lot from all of you. I may pull the plug on the marriage at some point in the future but I'm stable for now. I'm also in the camp that I'm not particularly desirable to the opposite sex. I never "had game" when I was 30, fit and nicer looking. It's not like there are going to be women lined up for the 50+ version of me. I'm not despondent or negative or whatever, just mature and realistic.
I’m concerned that you may be wallowing (this is familiar ground for me). There are two basic processes that are typically required in the pursuit of a partner. You seem to have gone through an iteration of the first, which is a process of self-assessment (I’ll call it Resource Assessment). By whatever criteria you’d set (whether physical, social, intellectual, etc.), you concluded that “I'm not particularly desirable to the opposite sex.” How did you reach this conclusion? The look-in-the-mirror test and the jiggle-the-belly test, while popular and convenient, aren’t necessarily that reliable. A few years ago, for example, I was astonished to see how many women in a thread on ILIASM expressed a preference for chubbier men. I’m not making any judgements concerning your appearance or character, but it’s possible that you reached your conclusions regarding your attractiveness from a position of ignorance concerning what women might find attractive. It’s also possible that you, like many on here, have simply been trained to view yourself in a poor light. So, what could possibly aid in Process 1 (Resource Assessment)? Just as a suggestion, you might find a few persons who, without personal bias, could offer candid and unfettered opinions concerning your attractiveness?! Whatever the outcome of the Resource Assessment, you could then conceivably graduate (if you chose to do so) to Process 2 (Resource Management). Even in choosing not to graduate to Resource Management, you may have gained a truer perspective on yourself.
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Post by isthisit on May 25, 2019 15:39:00 GMT -5
Too young... said: “ I never "had game" when I was 30, fit and nicer looking. It's not like there are going to be women lined up for the 50+ version of me.” Mature women of any age aren’t looking for “game.” This espevially is true of middle aged and older women. I second this wholeheartedly. Any hint of ‘game’ and I’m off in the opposite direction. It comes off as insincere, vacuous and manipulative. If that floats your ladies boat you may want to reconsider. Much more appealing is a man who is authentic and comfortable in his own skin. Charisma is horribly over rated- it’s kindness and integrity every time for the ladies. Other urban myths that are supposed to count but do not include; owning the body of a God, obvious displays of affluence, position/occupation/ power etc, pots of cash. A SM is the perfect way to decimate a persons self esteem in terms of their attractiveness to others. It can monumentally mess with your head if you let it. Don’t let it.
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2019 16:00:05 GMT -5
I appreciate the thoughtful advice and I'll give it some more thought. I didn't mean to use the term "had game" in the "hey baby want a tall drink of me" way but in the reasonable assessment that my dating life was never all that active. I had a few girlfriends in HS, a few in College and then W. I can count on one hand the number of women who have flirted with me in my post marriage life and I'll have a finger or two left over. So, given past history, and the toll that a SM takes, I'm assuming that there isn't oppositeland waiting for me. It's just statistics. Although, to use the financial line, "Past performance is not an indicator of future performance." I think it probably is.
I'm reasonably comfortable in my own skin, understand myself and my marriage very well, have a nice job on a College campus, have three great college-age kids but no sex life. Could I be ignorant of what 52-year old women find appealing vs. 32-year olds? I'm open to that. Could I be shortchanging myself? Maybe, I'm more skeptical about that.
Isthisit, I do have the body of a God. Buddha. (just kidding, maybe a fit Buddha)
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Post by isthisit on May 25, 2019 16:19:29 GMT -5
I appreciate the thoughtful advice and I'll give it some more thought. I didn't mean to use the term "had game" in the "hey baby want a tall drink of me" way but in the reasonable assessment that my dating life was never all that active. I had a few girlfriends in HS, a few in College and then W. I can count on one hand the number of women who have flirted with me in my post marriage life and I'll have a finger or two left over. So, given past history, and the tole that a SM takes, I'm assuming that there isn't oppositeland waiting for me. It's just statistics. Although, to use the financial line, "Past performance is not an indicator of future performance." I think it probably is. I'm reasonably comfortable in my own skin, understand myself and my marriage very well, have a nice job on a College campus, have three great college-age kids but no sex life. Could I be ignorant of what 52-year old women find appealing vs. 32-year olds? I'm open to that. Could I be shortchanging myself? Maybe, I'm more skeptical about that. Isthisit, I do have the body of a God. Buddha. (just kidding, maybe a fit Buddha) Yes, I think there are some significant differences. I recently went out on a date (first since Jan 1996) with a guy who approached me based upon his perception of a ‘self assured composure’- last time around it was all ‘what are her tits like’. (I'd like to think he took at least a peek, but had more sense than to let on.) Anyway, it is what it is and my plan is just to be me. The best me I can be, and try not to let nearly two decades of indifference from H mess with my perception of self. I will not let him have that power.
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Post by solodriver on May 26, 2019 14:13:52 GMT -5
File this under the heading of "staying in sexless marriage venting".
My wife and I have been separated quite a bit due to relocation. She's staying with our house being sold in the upper midwest, I'm at my new job in the southwest and started building our home. Last weekend I traveled back for our son's College graduation and W and I hadn't seen each other in person for almost a month. I didn't expect any big greeting, kiss, tight hug, any sign of affection, etc and my expectations were met. Slept in separate bedrooms as usual.
As I was leaving after a few days, she initiated a kiss. This is waaay out of character. I returned it (the usual peck or pretty-much a peck) and then she said, "I know we're too old for 'this stuff"". I said, "Like a kiss goodbye?", Her, "Yes, that stuff's for kids. See ya."
It's not a surprise but it is still somewhat eye opening to me that she considers an almost platonic kiss a big deal. Sigh. Too old. We're 52.
Yes that's the way my wife is - "Too old for that stuff" - BULLSHIT!
I recently had a conversation with a woman who is 72 years old and she told me she is horny all the time. She has sex with her husband at least 3 or 4 times a week at different times and in different places. I just smiled at her and said "There is a God in Heaven!"
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Post by saarinista on May 26, 2019 22:19:51 GMT -5
File this under the heading of "staying in sexless marriage venting". My wife and I have been separated quite a bit due to relocation. She's staying with our house being sold in the upper midwest, I'm at my new job in the southwest and started building our home. Last weekend I traveled back for our son's College graduation and W and I hadn't seen each other in person for almost a month. I didn't expect any big greeting, kiss, tight hug, any sign of affection, etc and my expectations were met. Slept in separate bedrooms as usual. As I was leaving after a few days, she initiated a kiss. This is waaay out of character. I returned it (the usual peck or pretty-much a peck) and then she said, "I know we're too old for 'this stuff"". I said, "Like a kiss goodbye?", Her, "Yes, that stuff's for kids. See ya." It's not a surprise but it is still somewhat eye opening to me that she considers an almost platonic kiss a big deal. Sigh. Too old. We're 52.
Yes that's the way my wife is - "Too old for that stuff" - BULLSHIT!
I recently had a conservation with a woman who is 72 years old and she told me she is horny all the time. She has sex with her husband at least 3 or 4 times a week at different times and in different places. I just smiled at her and said "There is a God in Heaven!"
solodriver ! How could you let this golden opportunity pass you by? Maybe you should have taken down her name and number, just in case her husband can't keep up with her at some point. Maybe she's one of those women who needs two men to handle her needs! :-)
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Post by solodriver on May 26, 2019 23:12:37 GMT -5
Yes that's the way my wife is - "Too old for that stuff" - BULLSHIT!
I recently had a conservation with a woman who is 72 years old and she told me she is horny all the time. She has sex with her husband at least 3 or 4 times a week at different times and in different places. I just smiled at her and said "There is a God in Heaven!"
solodriver ! How could you let this golden opportunity pass you by? Maybe you should have taken down her name and number, just in case her husband can't keep up with her at some point. Maybe she's one of those women who needs two men to handle her needs! :-) Well we have exchanged e-mail addresses.
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