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Post by flashjohn on Apr 18, 2019 16:42:04 GMT -5
Huh? I’m scratching my head here... how did she “know” your penis didn’t work when she didn’t bother to try to use it for 2.5 years!?! Wtf??? You are in a much better place today as I’m sure you know... Good point, sadkat and again, it hurts me to think of you being slammed like that, flashjohn . God, I would NEVER say that to any man. I'm so glad you're away from her. Thank you very much. It was horrible, and I don't see how I lived that way for so long. I look back and shake my head that I ever allowed myself to be treated that way. I am out of there now, and that is wonderful, but I am still a bit ashamed of myself that I let it happen for so long. If I could go back to 1988, I would tell myself to realize that she is a selfish spoiled bitch and no one deserves that.
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Post by tamara68 on Apr 20, 2019 3:01:31 GMT -5
"I am realizing I cannot change who he is and the path he is on. All I can do is continue to present him with options, hold good boundaries and love him. At some point it will become necessary to just let him go and hope he does alright. I cannot make him want to get well." It is terrible when you see something is going wrong with your child and there is nothing you can do. But when you have done everything you could think of, there comes a time when you have to let go. It hurts, but in time it will give some peace of mind. You can't control others and when you let go of everything that is not (no longer) your responsibility, you can focus on what you CAN do. Focus on what you can do for yourself.
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Post by elynne on May 20, 2019 2:47:47 GMT -5
So, as our esteemed brother ironhamster coined as a term, my Give-A-Fuck is done broken. I was telling my h about an intense 2 hour long conversation (loose term, it was a freak out with tears and only lasted because we were parked in my car but that is another story) with our problem child. I got a bit emotional as the situation with my son is anything but simple and is enough to break any mother's heart. I then said something like "I am realizing I cannot change who he is and the path he is on. All I can do is continue to present him with options, hold good boundaries and love him. At some point it will become necessary to just let him go and hope he does alright. I cannot make him want to get well." My h, in a dick head move, nods his head sympathetically. Then he says, "That is what I have had to do with you. I realize that I cannot change how you feel. I have been beating myself up to try to figure out what I could do to change your mind and get you to stay. Now I know it is not me and there is nothing I could have done to change your mind." Ok, motherfucker. In my mind I had 2 immediate thoughts: 1. This is about our son, who you STILL do not parent. You still do not spend any time with him, take time to understand, or parent in ANY FUCKING WAY. STOP MAKING IT ABOUT YOU!! 2. What in the world do you mean there was nothing you could do?? You could have worked on your extreme sexual anorexia and actually had a sexual relationship with your wife!! How about that?? Or how about showing me some (ANY?) physical affection, like I begged for a million times? Or how about taking ANY of the things I told you were NEEDS for me seriously? Or how about stepping up and being a father to your child and a co-parent to me? How about a million things I asked for and you denied again and again and again??? But, my dear ILIASM family, even as I felt those things in my core they washed over me and left me. Even 6 months ago I would have pointed out 1 and 2 to him and wanted him to SEE and AGREE that he fucked up. But I just looked at him and realized that he is shifting the story, shifting the facts of our marriage, to protect himself. He knows we are over (this is an open fact now) and he is trying to paint himself as some sort of victim that his bulldozer of a wife would not change to accommodate. This shifting allows him to feel good in the separation instead of guilty. He is able to protect himself emotionally. And then, a glorious miracle occurred. I just saw exactly what he was doing and why. I simply DID NOT GIVE A FUCK. Really! He can think whatever he wants about me. He can tell his next female victim all about what a bully I was, how he had issues and I just mowed over them. Whatever!! Not my fucking monkey, not my fucking circus. Tell whatever tales you want to yourself, your buddies, the world. I know the truth. I know what I have given of myself to this relationship. I know what I have done wrong and have taken a full accounting of every step. It was with a true and peaceful heart that I just said "Ok." and walked away. I am sure he was hoping to provoke a discussion. But the only discussions left to be had are who gets what. My Give A Fuck in this marriage is broken and not fixable. Or, if we prefer to be positive (which is my nature generally), maybe my self esteem is repairing itself and my confidence in who I am is returning? Either way, felt pretty fucking good to me! I had one of these moments with the STBX last week. The divorce is imminent (God I hope that’s true and he’s not going to throw yet another wrench in the works at the last minute). Stbx has been pulling crap with the divorce, pulling out of agreements, agreeing to something then retracting, proposing something then retracting... maddening. The only thing he wants and needs from me is the parenting plan. So I told him, ‘First we settle the finances, then I’ll work with you to finish the parenting plan.’ I’ve been saying this for 3 months. He made an appointment with the child advocate that we hired without cc:ing me. I called him on it. Told him the meeting was premature because he had backed out of our financial deal. That if he was willing to honor his commitments I would go to mediation for the parenting plan with him. “Why are you being like this?” he asks with disgust. “Do you mean consistent?” I asked. “You’re so rigid!” He spat with contempt. I shrugged, “I’ve been saying the same thing for 3 months. It shouldn’t be a surprise to you.” It occurred to me, by calling me ‘rigid’ he was expressing his frustration that he couldn’t manipulate me. And that’s quite the problem for a narcissistic control freak. If he wants to call me rigid - ok. If he wants to shout and storm and swear because I won’t cave, ok. I have more than a decade of building resilience and strength in this shithole of an abusive marriage. I’m healing. I no longer need his approval. I no longer desire his meager affection or attention. I finally see that I had it all backwards. For 12 years I wasn’t failing daily at my marriage. Don’t get me wrong, the marriage was a complete failure! But he failed me! He failed to care about me as a person. He failed to interact with basic kindness and decency. He was a good provider but completely insufficient as a life partner. Call me rigid, but I want someone who wants to hold my hand and enjoys kissing me.
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Post by ironhamster on May 20, 2019 5:48:21 GMT -5
I have more than a decade of building resilience and strength in this shithole of an abusive marriage. I’m healing. I no longer need his approval. I no longer desire his meager affection or attention. I finally see that I had it all backwards. For 12 years I wasn’t failing daily at my marriage. Don’t get me wrong, the marriage was a complete failure! But he failed me! He failed to care about me as a person. He failed to interact with basic kindness and decency. He was a good provider but completely insufficient as a life partner. Call me rigid, but I want someone who wants to hold my hand and enjoys kissing me. ^^^^^ THIS!!! Place the blame where it belongs and call it what it is.
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Post by sadkat on May 20, 2019 9:21:02 GMT -5
elynne- Thank you for sharing! I’m drawing strength from your words. I’m struggling with some of the issues you have stated. It’s amazing how similar our experiences can be! Good for you in staying committed to your goals. I hope one day, I can be as successful as you have been!
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Post by northstarmom on May 20, 2019 9:22:21 GMT -5
“ Call me rigid, but I want someone who wants to hold my hand and enjoys kissing me.”
You are normal.
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Post by elynne on May 20, 2019 9:44:40 GMT -5
elynne- Thank you for sharing! I’m drawing strength from your words. I’m struggling with some of the issues you have stated. It’s amazing how similar our experiences can be! Good for you in staying committed to your goals. I hope one day, I can be as successful as you have been! Once the divorce is actually final I’ll share a bit more about the situation. Until then, I’m a bit on edge that something will come up that topples the house of cards. I wasn’t always strong. I sat on the fence for ages. I spent lots of time why chasing and trying everything I could think of to fix things. We tried couples therapy with a therapist who was well intentioned but complete crap. She did so much damage to my emotional well-being. She was really out of her league - handling an abusive marriage as if it were run of the mill intimacy issues. But through the crucible - and I’ve come out the other side, wiser, stronger, clearer, healthier. The soon to be ex will likely never change. He is truly unbelievable! Insisted on 50-50 co-parenting but doesn’t want to be responsible for dentist appointments, hair cuts, doctor’s appointments or taking care of the kids if they’re sick! He wants me to cancel my plans and take care of the children during HIS weeks if they happen to be sick. Insane! He wants to take the car (it becomes my car in the divorce) for 3 weeks of summer holiday after our divorce, while I’m in the middle of moving!!! He thinks this is reasonable because his brand new car isn’t delivered until September. It’s like I’m finally looking at him without rose colored glasses and he’s letting his true colors show. It’s so hard to believe for years I used to cry over the fear that he didn’t love me, didn’t like me. At this point - I can’t wait to be divorced! I can’t wait to start rebuilding! I’ll be polite and friendly to him when necessary for the sake of the children - but if I never saw him again, I’d be ok with that.
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Post by sadkat on May 20, 2019 10:44:22 GMT -5
elynne- well, you are doing a great job sticking to your guns! I’m working on that myself and understand completely what you are saying. I’ll start a new thread when I get a chance to give more details.
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Post by saarinista on May 20, 2019 11:11:44 GMT -5
please elynne don't let him use the car.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 20, 2019 12:38:05 GMT -5
elynne - Thank you for sharing! I’m drawing strength from your words. I’m struggling with some of the issues you have stated. It’s amazing how similar our experiences can be! Good for you in staying committed to your goals. I hope one day, I can be as successful as you have been! 1) But through the crucible - and I’ve come out the other side, wiser, stronger, clearer, healthier. 2) The soon to be ex will likely never change. He is truly unbelievable! Insisted on 50-50 co-parenting but doesn’t want to be responsible for dentist appointments, hair cuts, doctor’s appointments or taking care of the kids if they’re sick! He wants me to cancel my plans and take care of the children during HIS weeks if they happen to be sick. Insane! 3) It’s like I’m finally looking at him without rose colored glasses and he’s letting his true colors show. Great to hear from you!! !) Be thankful during, and for tribulations! It is amazing how hard that is to learn and do, but there's so much truth in that! 2) I so wish your attorney would jump all over that and give you full custody! ( it should at least be used as a very tactful bargaining chip!) If anything your daughters will appreciate all that you do for them , even more! 3) Want to see someone's true colors? Take them to court!!
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endthegame
Junior Member
Posts: 96
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by endthegame on May 20, 2019 14:48:07 GMT -5
My personal experience, and through reading here the story of many others, is once you have left there is a point when you can let it go. And many further points of letting it go. Letting go is a journey in its own right. One day, you realise you haven't thought of crazy/dysfunctional/abusive/personality disordered x for a week or two. That's when you have let go, or to be crude, ACTUALLY don't give a fuck any more. Good for you on your journey.
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Post by elynne on May 20, 2019 16:23:38 GMT -5
please elynne don't let him use the car. I’m not jeopardizing my divorce so I’m waiting until he signs the divorce papers and then I’m telling him to rent one. He’s off his fuckin’ rocker!
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Post by greatcoastal on May 20, 2019 16:32:07 GMT -5
please elynne don't let him use the car. I’m not jeopardizing my divorce so I’m waiting until he signs the divorce papers and then I’m telling him to rent one. He’s off his fuckin’ rocker! AMEN! My parenting plan and final decree is my new bible! I can quote the pages and paragraphs. Hopefully, after your STBX sees that you are no longer someone to trifle with, he will move on to some other helpless ( naive) victim.
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Post by DryCreek on May 20, 2019 22:01:30 GMT -5
elynne, kudos for your personal growth! The woman we see here today is a world stronger than the one who first came here. The transformation in your confidence and assertiveness has been remarkable - keep it up!
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on May 21, 2019 11:17:14 GMT -5
“ Call me rigid, but I want someone who wants to hold my hand and enjoys kissing me.” You are normal. These are normal and valid things to want. A partner that shares mutual respect, mutual affection and lifts you up when you are down. Sounds great.
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