The bed flared and burned after the fire was put out.

This is a stupid title to this thread. It's just been a very difficult time for me. It has really sucked. I try to remain positive, but this is actually been a very trying time. I still love my husband, and I always will. I am at a convention end was asked to join a few others, but I decide to come back to my room. I'm sitting here alone, and that is better than the alternative. I love my husband I will forever stay faithful to him.

Sounds like a lot more going on than the thread 1st suggests. I'm sending positive energy your way to help you get through it.

Things will get better. I've been angry underneath the surface. Not at anyone, just in general. Most changes in my life I have initiated; not this one! I'm proud of myself for putting our relationship first even when I was pretty drunk. And alone. And vulnerable. (Thus that pathetic comment on the 23rd). I have no issues with my husband and I am proud of how we work together even through huuuuge frustrations. 98% of the time we are on the same page. This trial has had us both responding in different ways but we come together. We are a team. That I know 100%

We demolished the house and close on that property June 1st. Our neighbors bought the land. We close on a new house June 25th. It will be an easy enough move.... not much to move! But we are looking at the future. We will make that house and yard our home just like the other one.

That's what I miss.....our life! Our lifestyle. We have just been so displaced. It sucks. And then there is family events.... constant. Driving here and there. When we close, I'm spending the rest of summer HOME and I don't care who gives guff about that. We just need time to breathe. Regroup. Rebuild. Be together in our own world again.

People have been amazing. Friends and coworkers especially. Our work families put on a benefit for us and the turn out was amazing. Humbling. They raised over 10k for us. We tried to tell them we didn't need it because we have insurance, but they wouldn't listen. All we can do is be grateful and pay it forward.

My main frustration the other night was missing my husband at the conference, having someone there flirting with me, feeling tipsy and emotional and....well, I get very amorous when I drink. I am so glad I chose faithfulness and sexual frustration over cheating. That would've killed me and us! I vow not to even get in that situation again with drinking with co workers. Nothing happened at all.... but he was trying (verbally suggestive, no touching at all...so it could have just been my tipsy imagination as well) and one more I may have. Just even knowing THAT about myself kills me. And I'm sexually happy with my husband. That night I was also frustrated knowing we had to then spend this whole weekend at my moms. It's not "fun" here anymore (moms) and it stresses me out. Family stuff. The obligations wear a person our when you don't have your usual means of recharging. I haven't been on a hike in months. I no longer have a garden. The weather has been soooooo sad. Gloomy. Cold. Rainy. All spring.

Anyway. That's where we are. There's hope. There's a future. We are working through it together. I put us first. I can't wait to have a home again with him.

Hope this all makes sense.

Another after thought....I remember thinking that night when I posted, " I just need to air it all on ILIASM and I'll be safe." It took me almost an hour to log in. When I finally did, I couldn't barely even type. Not very impressive. But then I went to sleep. So all is good. Now I sound like a nut, I'm sure. But you all already think that of me.

I won't deny it, but in the same breath I also don't buy into sticking a label on someone (me).

Life happens. Life is full of challenges and choices. Consequences result from choices.

I've been in a low spot, yes, as a result of situations out of my control. To get that call.... "baby, our house is gone"... it messes with a person. I tried to be strong and say that it's all "just stuff" but dealing with this loss has been a lot like dealing with the death of a loved one. You know.... that lump in your throat? I didn't give it the credit it deserved on the beginning. Hell.... we are still in it... the last month feels like a fog to me. (Us)

This weekend my husband is sick. A bad cold. We took a sauna for the first time in over a month... (the sauna burned our house down). We made love. Yes, even sick....he initiated. Now he is finally sleeping. Our bed in the furnished apartment sucks. The one at mom's is at least comfy. I'll be following him soon. Need a good night's sleep.

Anyway.... my point? I don't even know. Just that life can get difficult. Even post-sm. And we are always met with choices. Sometimes even when we wouldn't think we would need to make one.

I feel good about it all as I look back. I love this man so much even my drunken self knows it. I was drunk (barely remember it) when I typed I love him and will stay faithful even when life gets crappy and scary and I needed extra comfort while I was away from him. That enforces something in me. Makes it all feel more real (our love).

I have deep sadness and loss I'm still processing..... that's true. There is some fear too. I mean the new house needs work and I'm ready to go all in... again. We literally just finished our other house... pouring love and sweat and tears and money into it just to watch it burn. We are about to do it again? Do I have it in me? Yes. My husband says he does too.

Not sure any of this makes sense. I ramble on so much.

Life happens.
We always have choices.

I think that's my point?

Hang in there.

In 2003, an F4 tornado came a quarter mile from my house damaging homes and leveling two apartment buildings. Fortunately, and miraculously, nobody was injured or killed in my neighborhood. I had seen this on the news plenty of times. We have all seen it on the news. But, when a disaster happens to something you see every day it becomes surreal. I can't imagine the shock of disaster striking my own home like that.

I get it. Life can't possibly be anything but stressful while you adjust to the new paradigms and move on from there.