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Post by angeleyes65 on Mar 26, 2019 5:51:52 GMT -5
solodriver resentment was what made me follow through with my exit plan. I couldn't even be nice. My grown son who doesn't get along with his dad was home visiting. He looked at me and said "are you just going to throw his stuff out on the porch? I've never seen you so short fused" It seems like one of the many phases. For me the last one. I didn't like who I was becoming.
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 26, 2019 6:14:17 GMT -5
You end up resenting who your 'refuser' has become.
You resent who they are. You actually find yourself ,rising above it, and being thankful that " I am not like that. I don't want to become like that. They have problems that I can not cure. ( you went far above and beyond to help them. Give yourself a pat on the back. Get ready, others will pat you on your back too!) I refuse to cave to their pressure to conform to "their way only".
You start to want a 'second opinion' to now back your facts and truth that you are desired by someone else, and that it is very important,in a relationship.
You actually have pity and sorrow for your refuser, that they will continue to head down their destructive path. Meanwhile you offered them an alternative. It is their loss that they reject it. It now becomes your gain! You are free to offer a very valuable commodity to someone else who will benefit from it and help you grow in return!!
A line from a song by Nat King Cole "Nature Boy" :" The greatest thing, you'll ever learn....is just to love.... and be loved, in return." ( you need to be loved in return)
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Post by shamwow on Mar 26, 2019 7:37:12 GMT -5
Many people mix the term resentment and anger. They are not the same by any stretch.
Anger is a quick, biological response. It is part of the fight or flight response. Something happens to us to trigger the emotion and our mind floods our body with adrenelene. This is an involuntary reaction. Within about 30 seconds we can choose to remain angry or let those feelings subside. Some people are better at consciously letting the feelings subside than others. But it's the reason you're always given advice like "take a deep breath". It buys time for the chemical cocktail in your brain to subside. But after it subsides, it can give you the strength to establish boundaries you couldn't have done before - if you are self aware enough to do so.
Resentment is different. The "re" portion of it is to do again. The "sentment" is to feel or "experience". A resentment does not even need a triggering event. That event or events happened in the past and you are re-experiencing them. From there you produce the anger chemicals yourself...an endless fountain. You become thin skinned, edgy, and bitter. That bleeds over to other people too. It poisons other relationships because it changes YOU.
Anger is like snow on top of a mountain. A sharp noise isn't going to trigger an avalanche. Resentments on the other hand are an accumulation of anger not let go. Anything can set it off and the resulting avalanche can be terrible to behold. In my case I usually went on a bender and got completely fucked up.
But anger and resentment are most certainly not the same thing.
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Post by choosinghappy on Mar 26, 2019 15:48:57 GMT -5
That is the hardest, the feeling that if only our partner would agree to a sex life, the marriage would be more than fine ...except that I’m not convinced this is true. I think the sexlessness is a symptom, not the cause of many of these unhappy marriages.
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 26, 2019 16:04:19 GMT -5
lessingham said: "That is the hardest, the feeling that if only our partner would agree to a sex life, the marriage would be more than fine."
Only if you set a very low bar because in other threads you've said the following:
"She is lazy and the more I do for her, the more she will let me do. " "I believe she loves me but she does not think anything flows from that. She knows I hate driving but has never learned to drive to share that burden. She divorces love and sex, one does not necessitate the other. She will not do a thing to help me. " "The last time I bothered with Valentine's day it was a disaster. I arranged a romantic dinner in a rated country restaurant, with flowers delivered to the table. I bought a card. I did everything she delighted in we got home after a great romantic evening and she sauntered tovthe video to check her programmes had recorded. Then sat and watched them." (Not just lack of sex is missing here. Seems like you go all in for her and get absolutely nothing in return.
"I would love to dance. My wife will not go to dance lessons. "
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2019 16:31:32 GMT -5
That is the hardest, the feeling that if only our partner would agree to a sex life, the marriage would be more than fine ...except that I’m not convinced this is true. I think the sexlessness is a symptom, not the cause of many of these unhappy marriages. Sometimes sexlessness is a symptom but, in more cases that I realized, it really was the chicken and not the egg. After many many years of why chasing, my wife admitted years ago that she "just didn't really want sex". Sometimes it is just the sex but whether symptom or cause the end result is the same. There is no fixing this. Either you live with it and drop the baggage or move on.
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firefollower
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Post by firefollower on Mar 26, 2019 18:20:04 GMT -5
...except that I’m not convinced this is true. I think the sexlessness is a symptom, not the cause of many of these unhappy marriages. Sometimes sexlessness is a symptom but, in more cases that I realized, it really was the chicken and not the egg. After many many years of why chasing, my wife admitted years ago that she "just didn't really want sex". Sometimes it is just the sex but whether symptom or cause the end result is the same. There is no fixing this. Either you live with it and drop the baggage or move on. In my case, I would say that it evolved from indifference to aversion. The thought of sexual intimacy with me has slowly degraded to complete repugnance. If the talk even starts to slant towards a sexual topic....ewwww.
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Post by workingonit on Mar 26, 2019 18:56:15 GMT -5
That is the hardest, the feeling that if only our partner would agree to a sex life, the marriage would be more than fine ...except that I’m not convinced this is true. I think the sexlessness is a symptom, not the cause of many of these unhappy marriages. This x 100
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Post by baza on Mar 26, 2019 19:59:14 GMT -5
Most (not 'all', but most) stories start off in here saying - "everything is great bar the sex". Then, as they expand on their marriage, assorted detail emerges that paints a picture of a relationship with assorted behaviours of the spouse causing issues in the dynamic.
The story usually reads like - "everything is not so great and there's not even any sex happening".
Based on the evidence of many many members stories, I believe that in most instances (that's most, not all) the sex is indicative of other problems and is rarely "THE" problem. It is "one of" a number of problems.
The spouse is described as things like - "lazy, disengaged, rude, judgemental, controlling, passive aggressive, a drunk, financial leech, selfish, has unmanaged mental issues, non-inclusive, verbally abusive (or worse), screwed up values etc etc etc" in most (that's most, not all) narratives.
Yet, initially, the problem is described as the sex, with everything else being regarded as great.
I often get the feeling that what the member is actually saying, is something like this - "My marriage is a bit of a fuck up, but I could tolerate that if there was at least some decent sex in it"
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 26, 2019 20:40:27 GMT -5
Resentment is different. The "re" portion of it is to do again. The "sentment" is to feel or "experience". A resentment does not even need a triggering event. That event or events happened in the past and you are re-experiencing them. From there you produce the anger chemicals yourself...an endless fountain. You become thin skinned, edgy, and bitter. That bleeds over to other people too. It poisons other relationships because it changes YOU. I think you are splitting hairs here. I am likely to do the same thing! The definition of resentment: A feeling of indignant displeasure, or persistent ill will at something ( or someone) regarded as a wrong, insult or injury. It's all in how you use it! Take resentment ( a noun) and make it an action ( a verb) Take ground by being disgusted ( or resentful) with your situation. Sick of being sick. I resent being taken advantage of. I resent being lied to, I resent being manipulated, I resent being physically and emotionally abused, etc... Or... yes I am angry because I was lied to, yes I am angry, I was manipulated, yes I am angry at that person, they knowingly physically and emotionally abused me. In many a SM it's having that "light bulb" moment that tells you " I have every right to resent the way I've been treated!. I've been a victim of double standards for years. My refuser does not allow me to refuse them of their needs, so why do i tolerate such behavior?" Resenting abuse can be used to strengthen your relationships in the future. It changes you, by teaching you that it is okay to have boundaries and not feel selfish. Being a nice guy does not mean being a doormat. Sidenote: Being a doormat and being a nice guy is a fine line?( Help me with this) If your refuser refuses to communicate that they no longer see you as a nice guy by giving to them , providing for them, forgiving them, desiring them, etc... But instead see you as a doormat ,even when you try to enforce strict consequences upon them for breaking your boundaries, and then ( without your consent) they continue to run over your boundaries and consequences like a tank, you are really left with little choice. Stay and continue to cave to their demands ( be a doormat) or leave and find someone else who doesn't run over your boundaries but has boundaries that are similar to yours in the first place!
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Post by Handy on Mar 26, 2019 22:25:54 GMT -5
Baza "My marriage is a bit of a fuck up, but I could tolerate that if there was at least some decent sex in it"
That is one solution for some people. I think this is how things might go and the ILIASM posters might proceed, at least for a while more.
I am going to throw in maybe some things other than the sex is not working for the woman (70% of the time) and sometimes (30%) for the man. Then the slow resentment-frustrations build until the sex issues surface. Frequency is easy to measure, more so than the other quality parts of any relationship.
I think what Baza posted "My marriage is a bit of a fuck up, but I could tolerate that if there was at least some decent sex in it" might apply more for men than women. Of course I am old school and heard in the past it was the woman that went off of sex. Now I know men go off of sex and that throws a different light on old school thoughts and hypothesis about which gender is avoiding sex. Guys avoiding sex just doesn't compute, in a crazy way. Well except if he has ED or she is a piece of work. Now I know that isn't true and some guys seem to be on the asexual side.
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Post by solodriver on Mar 26, 2019 22:50:26 GMT -5
I think anger can be over a long period. I think there is short-term anger, which can happen because of feeling threatened in some way either physically or emotionally. Then there is long-term anger over something that you have to endure, that you have no control over.
For instance, I'm angry every day at my wife for not valuing my feelings or our marriage and leaving me no good options. For basically lying to me when she said last summer that she wanted to work on our marriage and then there being absolutely no change in our situation. I feel like she is forcing my hand to separate and divorce after 31 years of marriage and I am ANGRY, MAD, SAD and RESENTFUL all of the same time. I go to bed feeling that way every night, I wake up immediately feeling that way every morning and it eats at me all day while I'm at work. I hate coming home every night because my anger is always there. I never get a break from it.
I don't think it's unreasonable for me to feel angry even though she hasn't done anything "at the moment" for me to be angry over. I'm hurting very badly after having to endure celibacy and complete lack of affection for almost 20 years. I am angry at the situation, a situation that could have been avoided by honestly, love and caring that she was supposed to have for me as my wife. I certainly have tried to do that for her. I'm angry because I wasted 20 years of my life waiting for her to fulfill her promise to love, honor and cherish me the way I did her. I'm angry for my feelings and emotions being "dismissed" as not important. And I swallowed that anger and kept it inside because I was afraid if I expressed it, it would just make the situation worse. But instead my wife used it against me to keep up her uncaring, unloving, unwanted rejection of me. And I'm angry at me for allowing all of it to happen and cheating myself out of a loving, wonderful and sexually fulfilling relationship over all these years that I cannot get back. And because she doesn't care or love me anymore. I have to walk around in my house in a constant state of anger and try to keep myself from exploding and saying something that I will really regret.
This is not me at all, I've never felt or acted this way. I hate living this way. But it also helps me stay focused on leaving and what I need to do that. I know I need more tools/skills to manage this anger and resentment during the remaining time before leaving.
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Post by baza on Mar 27, 2019 0:28:32 GMT -5
What follows here you'd have to take on trust Brother solodriver , and is offered from my own personal story. I could never get over the resentment I felt in my ILIASM deal, and lordy lordy, I sure did try to let it go. But I couldn't. When I got out (October 2009) I had managed to sort a lot of my shit out (whilst still in my ILIASM deal) but my success on getting rid of my resentment levels was pretty much a dismal failure. However, the very fact that I got out, I found, started a reduction in my resentment level. Quite possibly because it wasn't getting refuelled every day like it is in an ILIASM situation. Looking at my diary, it is clear that 12 months on (October 2010) I was in a way better place with my resentment, by October 2011 even more so. But it (resentment) was still there. By then however, I was in a new relationship, a new locality, pretty much a new environment. And, life gets pretty busy as you deal with the day to day business of living. So my resentment levels fell away further .... I had better, and more productive things to direct my focus on. At some point, I think around 2012/3 I found myself largely at peace with my resentment. It was what it was, and it was past tense. It was no longer my reality. I'm 9 years out now. There is still a tiny bit of resentment that will rear up and bite me on the bum, but this occurence is rare. I think that now, I am over it - or at least as over it as I am ever likely to get. Like you, I try and "use it". You, to fuel your exit strategy etc. Me, to keep myself accountable in my deal with Ms enna . Now, my suggestion to you Brother solodriver . You aren't going to be able to get over your resentment before you leave. You probably are not going to even get it under management by then. But personally I don't see that as a roadblock to getting out. The very act of getting out will likely give your recovery from resentment a real good kick start. And without those daily "top ups" to your resentment levels, better days lie ahead.
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Post by sadkat on Mar 27, 2019 8:27:27 GMT -5
I think anger can be over a long period. I think there is short-term anger, which can happen because of feeling threatened in some way either physically or emotionally. Then there is long-term anger over something that you have to endure, that you have no control over.
For instance, I'm angry every day at my wife for not valuing my feelings or our marriage and leaving me no good options. For basically lying to me when she said last summer that she wanted to work on our marriage and then there being absolutely no change in our situation. I feel like she is forcing my hand to separate and divorce after 31 years of marriage and I am ANGRY, MAD, SAD and RESENTFUL all of the same time. I go to bed feeling that way every night, I wake up immediately feeling that way every morning and it eats at me all day while I'm at work. I hate coming home every night because my anger is always there. I never get a break from it.
I don't think it's unreasonable for me to feel angry even though she hasn't done anything "at the moment" for me to be angry over. I'm hurting very badly after having to endure celibacy and complete lack of affection for almost 20 years. I am angry at the situation, a situation that could have been avoided by honestly, love and caring that she was supposed to have for me as my wife. I certainly have tried to do that for her. I'm angry because I wasted 20 years of my life waiting for her to fulfill her promise to love, honor and cherish me the way I did her. I'm angry for my feelings and emotions being "dismissed" as not important. And I swallowed that anger and kept it inside because I was afraid if I expressed it, it would just make the situation worse. But instead my wife used it against me to keep up her uncaring, unloving, unwanted rejection of me. And I'm angry at me for allowing all of it to happen and cheating myself out of a loving, wonderful and sexually fulfilling relationship over all these years that I cannot get back. And because she doesn't care or love me anymore. I have to walk around in my house in a constant state of anger and try to keep myself from exploding and saying something that I will really regret.
This is not me at all, I've never felt or acted this way. I hate living this way. But it also helps me stay focused on leaving and what I need to do that. I know I need more tools/skills to manage this anger and resentment during the remaining time before leaving.
solodriver- now that baza has given you an account of his experience, I wanted to give you my perspective as I struggle to get out of my marriage. Yes, resentment and anger motivated me. Admittedly, they’ve been very powerful motivators. Now that I’ve started having those difficult discussions with my h and witnessing the effect my words are having on him, I’m starting to rethink things. I am an empathetic, soft hearted person. I hate hurting people. Even though h has hurt me repeatedly throughout the years, it is very difficult for me to do the same. That being said, I have not changed my mind. My marriage IS over. But I am rethinking my approach. I’m trying to accomplish this in more of an empathetic and cooperative manner. Most importantly, I’m facing the fact that I’ve also contributed to the failure of my marriage. I’m working on identifying what behaviors and thought processes I’ve had that need to be looked at, evaluated, and maybe changed. After all, my greatest desire is to have a loving and committed relationship with someone who is sexually compatible with me. I know I won’t have that unless I sort my shit out, as baza loves to say! Your posts are reading very much like you’re focusing all your energy on your anger and resentment towards your wife (and yourself). Maybe you could take some of that energy and turn it into some self analysis and begin working on improving yourself? A counselor is an invaluable tool for this process. No one should have to live day in and day out under a cloud of unhappiness and resentment. You can do something about it now- you don’t need to wait until you get out. I’ll be rooting for you!
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Post by lessingham on Mar 27, 2019 9:00:36 GMT -5
It is an interesting idea that sexless marriages have more fundemental problems abd the lack of sex is a symptom not a cause. My refuser has deeper problems with me and this comes out in her rejection of me. Thus I wear myself out trying to fix a sex problem, instead of fixing the deeper malaise. Once that is fixed, the sex life can heal. The onus returns to me.
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