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Post by workingonit on Mar 13, 2019 10:16:52 GMT -5
isthisit we are in a similar-ish SM boat it seems. My h and I have had the talk, he knows I am done. For multiple reasons the actual divorcing cannot happen yet. He was weepy and depressed for roughly 2-3 months. He has seemed better lately although we have not had any meaningful relationship conversations. We have been cohabiting peacefully- still talking and laughing together at times. Still, this in between stage is rough. Hang in there. I firmly believe things will improve at some point! Thanks, I have been feeling that I am not doing this right at all, as there is no anger or animosity (at the moment), and no, still no lawyers yet. I have been referring to where I am to myself as 'Inbetweenville'. Not my ILIASM deal anymore, but certainly not Oppositeland either. I think Inbetweenville is a town between the two destinations, and I guess we must all pass through (although I have chosen to travel through at a snail's pace). As with you I have the unusual experience of the twin burdens of instigating the split and immediately providing bucketfuls of support. At the moment I am in the middle of baking H's favourite cake to cheer him up. We also cohabit peacefully, which is nice for our children to see, but also openly discussing different options for futures in separate addresses. I guess it's better than acrimony. Be sure to take care of yourself too. I have a thread on here somewhere called the inbetween or something similar. I also call it that- I am not staying, not working on fixing, not doubting the path forward but not able to execute yet. It is absolutely its own flavor of hell. In some ways better than not knowing but not nearly as good as moving forward. Taking it one day at a time right now!
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Post by baza on Mar 13, 2019 23:29:58 GMT -5
There's no such thing as transitioning out of an ILIASM deal and straight into a great relationship. Rarely happens*. Although getting out does provide a fantastic opportunity of starting to develop a great relationship with yourself - and that relationship is pivotal to your future irrespective of anything else that might be going on.
*originally it said "Never Happens" edited 15 Mar 2019
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 14, 2019 0:32:50 GMT -5
Baza said: "There's no such thing as transitioning out of an ILIASM deal and straight into a great relationship. Doesn't happen."
I actually did this. Decided to divorce in June. Started dating my now partner of 6 years in February. Divorce (which my h and I had deliberately delayed so I could stay on his insurance until he left his job) was final at the end of July.
But before divorcing, I had spent about 5 years focusing on myself including being involved in individual therapy and developing friendships and activities independent of my spouse. I didn't start doing those things because I planned to divorce. I started doing those things because I was miserable. The more I created an independent life of my own, the less attached I was to my husband and the more confident and happier I was with myself. I had become the kind of person whom I had always admired. Finally, I woke up one day and realized that I would be happier being single forever than remaining in a dead marriage. When I started dating, I wasn't feeling incomplete or afraid of being alone. I was reasonably content. I did hope to get laid again, but I was willing to wait for the right partner.
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Post by choosinghappy on Mar 14, 2019 17:52:07 GMT -5
There's no such thing as transitioning out of an ILIASM deal and straight into a great relationship. Doesn't happen. I also might have to dispute this one based on my current experience... But I realize how incredibly lucky I am.
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Post by baza on Mar 14, 2019 18:06:13 GMT -5
northstarmom & choosinghappyI am perhaps being pedantic here, but I don't think anyone goes into a new "great relationship". Sure, you may go into a new relationship that initially has the potential to become something great. My deal with Ms enna was not "great" right from the jump. It sure seemed to have a helluva lot of potential to be something pretty great (and as it turned out that potential was realised - and more) but it wasn't "great" from the jump. It developed that way. And still is developing, 9 years on. As I say, maybe I am being pedantic.
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 14, 2019 20:55:55 GMT -5
"I am perhaps being pedantic here, but I don't think anyone goes into a new "great relationship". Sure, you may go into a new relationship that initially has the potential to become something great."
I agree, and I'm glad that you elaborated so that people don't think that I immediately entered a great relationship while I was divorcing. When I went on my first date with my now partner of 6 years, I wasn't looking for The One (a concept I don't believe in anyway as I think there are so many people in the world that there are many people any individual could be compatible with). It was my first date in 36 years with someone beside my STBX. I saw it as a chance to get to know someone and to practice date. Over dinner, I talked to my date and found out about his values and interests and saw that they matched mine. I figured at the least he could become a good friend. We were not physical at all with each other on that date except that he kissed me on the cheek when he dropped me off. Over the next several months, we went on a few more dates, perhaps one casual one every couple of weeks. We were getting to know each other better. There was no sex as I was not interested in jumping into bed with anyone. What I hoped to find was a nice man to be a friend with benefits. I wasn't interested in a longterm relationship. Three months after our first date, we had sex for the first time, and it was amazing. By then, I knew him well enough to be comfortable with him. But I wasn't looking for a longterm relationship, just a monogamous FWB for a while. I continued to live my own life while seeing him perhaps two or three times a week. It wasn't for another 3 months that we realized we loved each other and agreed that we were in a romantic relationship. I moved in with him about a year later. Throughout our relationship including now I continue to have some interests and friends that he doesn't share. He has some interests and friends whom I don't share. Neither of us is looking to completely center our world around another person. That to me is codependence, not the kind of relationship either of us wants.
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Post by choosinghappy on Mar 15, 2019 0:42:23 GMT -5
Unlike northstarmom, I actually did start a new great relationship while divorcing. Like her, I didn’t intend to enter into a long term relationship but when tirefire and I began communicating one year ago, our connection was undeniable. At that point we had both already set the wheels in motion for our exit plans and just happened to be in the same stage with leaving our marriages. We were able to support one another through it all, and we still do. At the beginning we both felt the apprehension with becoming involved with someone immediately but we liked one another so much that a great relationship naturally formed. Trying to put the stops on it because it was “too soon” or “it just doesn’t happen this way” would have been foolish. A year later, our relationship is full of love, respect, passion, fun, openness, support. We work through current challenges together, we’re excited about our future, and we make each other happy every day. We have the kind of relationship that I always wanted but I didn’t know if it was possible. It is a great relationship that started before either of us left our SMs. I realize how atypical that is. I realize how incredibly lucky we are. Neither of us expected it (and indeed we both were leaving our SMs because we would have been happier alone than still married) but we’re both grateful for it. So baza, I think I would change your comment to read not that “it just doesn’t happen” but that “it very rarely happens”. I’d be interested to hear from shamwow and BOC on this topic too. And am I remembering correctly that merrygoround had a similar experience when she left her SM a couple years ago?
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Post by baza on Mar 15, 2019 1:52:34 GMT -5
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Post by shamwow on Mar 15, 2019 6:24:54 GMT -5
Unlike northstarmom, I actually did start a new great relationship while divorcing. Like her, I didn’t intend to enter into a long term relationship but when tirefire and I began communicating one year ago, our connection was undeniable. At that point we had both already set the wheels in motion for our exit plans and just happened to be in the same stage with leaving our marriages. We were able to support one another through it all, and we still do. At the beginning we both felt the apprehension with becoming involved with someone immediately but we liked one another so much that a great relationship naturally formed. Trying to put the stops on it because it was “too soon” or “it just doesn’t happen this way” would have been foolish. A year later, our relationship is full of love, respect, passion, fun, openness, support. We work through current challenges together, we’re excited about our future, and we make each other happy every day. We have the kind of relationship that I always wanted but I didn’t know if it was possible. It is a great relationship that started before either of us left our SMs. I realize how atypical that is. I realize how incredibly lucky we are. Neither of us expected it (and indeed we both were leaving our SMs because we would have been happier alone than still married) but we’re both grateful for it. So baza, I think I would change your comment to read not that “it just doesn’t happen” but that “it very rarely happens”. I’d be interested to hear from shamwow and BOC on this topic too. And am I remembering correctly that merrygoround had a similar experience when she left her SM a couple years ago? Rarely happens does seem about right. And I'm grateful beyond belief that lightning struck ballofconfusion and I two days after the ink dried on my divorce. I know just how lucky that makes me. Granted, there is still a little more than a year of the "long distance" thing before she moves here (youngest has to graduate) but that's nothing airplanes can't cure (flight 45 is this evening).
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Post by tirefire on Mar 16, 2019 18:09:11 GMT -5
Unlike northstarmom, I actually did start a new great relationship while divorcing. Like her, I didn’t intend to enter into a long term relationship but when tirefire and I began communicating one year ago, our connection was undeniable. At that point we had both already set the wheels in motion for our exit plans and just happened to be in the same stage with leaving our marriages. We were able to support one another through it all, and we still do. At the beginning we both felt the apprehension with becoming involved with someone immediately but we liked one another so much that a great relationship naturally formed. Trying to put the stops on it because it was “too soon” or “it just doesn’t happen this way” would have been foolish. A year later, our relationship is full of love, respect, passion, fun, openness, support. We work through current challenges together, we’re excited about our future, and we make each other happy every day. We have the kind of relationship that I always wanted but I didn’t know if it was possible. It is a great relationship that started before either of us left our SMs. I realize how atypical that is. I realize how incredibly lucky we are. Neither of us expected it (and indeed we both were leaving our SMs because we would have been happier alone than still married) but we’re both grateful for it. So baza, I think I would change your comment to read not that “it just doesn’t happen” but that “it very rarely happens”. I’d be interested to hear from shamwow and BOC on this topic too. And am I remembering correctly that merrygoround had a similar experience when she left her SM a couple years ago? What she said. No, seriously. Sometimes you buy one lottery ticket and win the big prize.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Mar 16, 2019 20:11:17 GMT -5
isthisit omg I'm still living with with his despair. I lived with him 6 months after I told him he made me so stressed I actually had a stroke I've been out since June of 2017 he sent me so many texts I've had to block him. Now its emails. I put off the divorce waiting for him to get a grip he never did so I filed. He's implied suicide to his adult kids so they feel they have to tell me. And just today we cut the last ties and he felt the need to rehash it all in the bank parking lot. I looked him dead in the eye and told him to move on. He attributes my unwillingness to try again to stubbornness If he tells we one more time I didn't make it clear enough I was miserable I may slap the shit out of him. He is on his 3rd counselor this one at his employers request. Ugh.
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Post by solodriver on Sept 1, 2019 17:22:33 GMT -5
isthisit omg I'm still living with with his despair. I lived with him 6 months after I told him he made me so stressed I actually had a stroke I've been out since June of 2017 he sent me so many texts I've had to block him. Now its emails. I put off the divorce waiting for him to get a grip he never did so I filed. He's implied suicide to his adult kids so they feel they have to tell me. And just today we cut the last ties and he felt the need to rehash it all in the bank parking lot. I looked him dead in the eye and told him to move on. He attributes my unwillingness to try again to stubbornness If he tells we one more time I didn't make it clear enough I was miserable I may slap the shit out of him. He is on his 3rd counselor this one at his employers request. Ugh. This is one reason why even though I'm emotionally detached from her and am will execute my exit plan in time, I haven't mentioned separation or divorce yet. I don't want to as baza says "Shred my cred" and I don't want her to do to me what your ex did to you.
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