catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Feb 5, 2019 0:58:25 GMT -5
Have any of you talked to your refuser spouse about opening your relationship? How did you approach it? How did the conversation go? What was the ultimate outcome?
Thoughts?
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Post by ironhamster on Feb 5, 2019 5:15:23 GMT -5
Have any of you talked to your refuser spouse about opening your relationship? How did you approach it? How did the conversation go? What was the ultimate outcome? Thoughts? I struck out on this, twice. The first time I brought it up was during a heated text exchange. The second time was over a quiet dinner. I did not even have a chance to fully explain it. She said, "I want you. All of you." Obviously, she did not want to be intimate with all of me. She wanted to control all of me. There is no formula to an open marriage. You can set whatever rules you both agree to. Some couples prefer to play together, some swing, some cuckold, some date separately... @venuserotes had a deal with her husband to allow her to bring her boyfriend home one night a week. tiredoftears has at least one outsourcing play partner, but I have lost track of her story. @andie has an open marriage, but I do not know about the details. Some swingers have limits. They may be all about fucking, but kissing is just too intimate. I know one couple that have multiple partners they play with, but their limit is no kissing, mouth to genital or genital to genital contact. What can they possibly do with limits like that? Quite a bit, actually. Idgaf96 and I are not entirely monogamous, but this varies depending on what is going on in our lives. Right now, she is under a lot of stress. I have no interest in bringing anyone else into our playtime, and she is distancing herself from others, also. What the future holds, I don't know, but what we do is limited by our mutual comfort level, which will change with the circumstances. My impression is that successful open marriages are ones where the spouses play together in one capacity or another. The marriage is strong, they both like sex, and can separate sex for fun from sex for bonding. In our cases, with spouses that don't like sex, an open marriage is probably going to be a way to cope for the time being, and a stepping stone towards a future divorce.
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Post by lessingham on Feb 5, 2019 7:37:16 GMT -5
The other boot of sexless marriage is the thermonuclear reaction to the idea of the refusee going elsewhere for sexual satisfaction.
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 5, 2019 9:12:22 GMT -5
Why stay with someone who refuses to fuck you but has the nerve to explode at the idea of your seeking sex elsewhere?
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Post by choosinghappy on Feb 5, 2019 12:27:16 GMT -5
Yes I brought it up twice with my ex when we were still trying to work on things. Once when we were talking face to face and I was basically to the point of tears due to my frustration, and once during couples counseling when I was trying to come up with any logical “solutions” to help our (well, MY) problem.
The outcomes of our talks basically boiled down to him saying both times that NO, he didn’t want me sexually but that I wasn’t allowed to have my sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere. And I replied that I refused to remain celibate.
We realized we were at a stalemate with this, as did our marriage counselor, and none of us had any suggestions.
He said he was worried we were on the path to divorce and I agreed. Then we never talked about it again. Over the next year I outsourced in order to keep my sanity and it’s possible he may have suspected but didn’t want to know so he never asked any questions about where I went or what I did.
Ultimately, we mutually decided to end the marriage.
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Post by ironhamster on Feb 5, 2019 14:20:10 GMT -5
Why stay with someone who refuses to fuck you but has the nerve to explode at the idea of your seeking sex elsewhere? Emotions don't need to be logical. We stay because we love our refusers and we are trying to figure out how to cope. There were a number of people on my search for a solution that told me things I resisted, but, in the end, turned out to be the cold hard truth.
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Post by deadzone75 on Feb 5, 2019 14:22:17 GMT -5
Have any of you talked to your refuser spouse about opening your relationship? How did you approach it? How did the conversation go? What was the ultimate outcome? Thoughts? I have talked to my wife about her sleeping with other people. I was trying to find some hidden switch to activate her sexuality. She didn't get mad, but she said she didn't have the desire to be with anyone but me (a joke in and of itself). BUT, she did say that if she ever found herself in a certain situation with me and another guy, she would possibly have sex with him as long as I was involved with her at the same time in some physical capacity. Chances of us ever finding ourselves in "that type of situation"? Zero to subzero.
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Post by ironhamster on Feb 5, 2019 14:27:14 GMT -5
Have any of you talked to your refuser spouse about opening your relationship? How did you approach it? How did the conversation go? What was the ultimate outcome? Thoughts? I have talked to my wife about her sleeping with other people. I was trying to find some hidden switch to activate her sexuality. She didn't get mad, but she said she didn't have the desire to be with anyone but me (a joke in and of itself). BUT, she did say that if she ever found herself in a certain situation with me and another guy, she would possibly have sex with him as long as I was involved with her at the same time in some physical capacity. Chances of us ever finding ourselves in "that type of situation"? Zero to subzero. So, taking her to a sex club would be an impossible task. Got it. My refuser never would have gone even for the sake of curiosity.
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Post by deadzone75 on Feb 5, 2019 14:46:26 GMT -5
I have talked to my wife about her sleeping with other people. I was trying to find some hidden switch to activate her sexuality. She didn't get mad, but she said she didn't have the desire to be with anyone but me (a joke in and of itself). BUT, she did say that if she ever found herself in a certain situation with me and another guy, she would possibly have sex with him as long as I was involved with her at the same time in some physical capacity. Chances of us ever finding ourselves in "that type of situation"? Zero to subzero. So, taking her to a sex club would be an impossible task. Got it. My refuser never would have gone even for the sake of curiosity. She says clubs aren't "intimate" enough and too intimidating. I'm like, when the hell would we ever find ourselves in that type of situation otherwise?
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Feb 5, 2019 14:56:58 GMT -5
So, taking her to a sex club would be an impossible task. Got it. My refuser never would have gone even for the sake of curiosity. She says clubs aren't "intimate" enough and too intimidating. I'm like, when the hell would we ever find ourselves in that type of situation otherwise? Place a personals ad or invite one of your friends over?? I’m betting it’s all hypothetical for her though.
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Post by deadzone75 on Feb 5, 2019 15:05:57 GMT -5
She says clubs aren't "intimate" enough and too intimidating. I'm like, when the hell would we ever find ourselves in that type of situation otherwise? Place a personals ad or invite one of your friends over?? I’m betting it’s all hypothetical for her though. I'm not trusting enough for personals, and I don't really have friends (at least not in this state). But yes, I'm sure it's hypothetical. If we did find ourselves in the perfect situation, something else would magically "come up" (no pun intended).
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Post by flashjohn on Feb 5, 2019 15:45:51 GMT -5
My refuser would have gone nuts if I had suggested it. I knew better than to ask.
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Post by ironhamster on Feb 5, 2019 17:06:08 GMT -5
Clubs are definitely intimidating.
One thing you may suggest is to go to one for the sake of being "monogamish." Some monogamous people go to hang out with swingers, then go home with their own partners and enjoy their arousal.
We have gone to clubs, and both played and not played with anyone else. Even being exclusive, there is a certain eroticism to sex with an audience. We find that live sex is better than porn.
Obviously, none of these situations will appeal to everyone.
My expectation is that 99.9% of refusers will have a serious aversion to the sex club environment.
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 5, 2019 18:09:08 GMT -5
After a couple two or three "talks" followed by short reset periods and then a return to the quarterly schedule I brought up the subject of my having a FWB. I ask her just to think about it and then I would follow up with a 2nd discussion in a week or so. I talked in terms of the positive aspects me outsourcing had for both of us. When we had the 2nd talk she was dead set against it so I replied I could not continue in the marriage under those circumstances. Surprising me she wanted to try regular intimacy once again. That lasted for just about 3 months and then she returned to saying no again. That quickly led to me removing my wedding band and distancing myself from her. Our next "talk" was about how we were going to go about ending the marriage.
A number of members have introduced the subject of opening the marriage. Relatively few have been successful at getting their partner to agree. Surprisingly it seems the men seem more open to allowing their spouses to outsource than woman are their husbands.
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Post by shamwow on Feb 5, 2019 18:38:39 GMT -5
My refuser would have gone nuts if I had suggested it. I knew better than to ask. I second that. Instead I "opened" the marriage by getting the fuck out.
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