I need a place to talk about my non relationship life

I love your strength, generosity and capacity to still love, given what you've been through, @helentishappy.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression three years ago. I denied my own symptoms, as just moodiness or bad hair days. As someone in healthcare, the irony was not lost on me. But, learning what my "new normal" is, has been eye-opening, aggravating, and liberating. Because I no longer ask others for their opinions about me. I KNOW who I am, and I'm starting to like me. (only took 48 years)

But, to answer your question, the following things fill my soul:
My dogs - who have been with me in the darkest moments.
My eclectic circle of friends/family (from my girlfriend posse to my kooky family)
My City (it's just such an inclusive place to live and it "fits" me)
The beach - I don't go enough, but it helps me ground myself and reconnect with spirit and God.

And, honestly, coming here. Connecting with other people who are living my reality, remind me I'm neither alone, nor crazy, for the feelings of ambivalence I have about my SM.

obobfla, "encased in concrete" covers it so well! And "depression lies"
and the best thing to do is get out there.

All the truest words. But so hard to put in motion when encased in the concrete. Reaching out here definitely helps, which is why I love this form. I feel tonight has chipped enough concrete free that I can make a good stab at getting out there tomorrow and giving the demon a good shove back.

@helentishappy, I want to reiterate what JMX said.  I was more than a little blown away back when we were all goofing off with the pictures.  You're more than just attractive.  But I also KNOW that being smart (Einstein smart), attractive, and obviously healthy (like I said before, I thought you were posting high school photos) doesn't fix these things.  They're just fun to play with once everything else is in place.  

I wonder if you're just not getting out and involved with others enough?  To look and talk to you (metaphorically through these forums) I would think you would have sharp guys bugging you to be significant to them, and the not so sharp ones totally intimidated.

For me, I have a lot of fun with the same things unmatched mentioned.  Machines and kids go a long way with a lot of men -- myself included.  

But, I'm going to go way out on a limb here and add Christianity to my mix.  Of course, that's an understatement -- it's foundational to all the other things.  

You're somewhat familiar with my educational and professional background, and it hasn't always been like this for me.  If it's true, it's a relationship with the one that spoke the universe into existence.  It seems to be the cure for the existential angst that boggles so many of us that see symmetry and design in the universe but not the designer or purpose.  

If it's offensive to you -- and it is to lots of folks that are way smarter than I am -- there's always the lifelong endeavor to prove it wrong.  There are lots of folks that have made that their life's goal as well, and while some may be angry, it keeps them busy and active in a community.  And that itself is healthy.

My divorce --- suddenly I was 'rattling around' in a 200+ square meter house on a 600 acre farm. By myself. Lots of potential for going bonkers, I suppose.

Well, first of all, with my background one thing was clear: I had to steer clear of alcohol. No, not going down that path. Same for drugs, any drugs. No happy pills, no sleeping pills, no anti-depressants. HELL no.
The one thing is that at the time there were lots of friendly people in the valley, still. It was a bit of a hippy burg. So twice a week I would get on the phone, call someone "hey, what are you doing tonight, are you busy? Can I come visit?" That's what I did.
I love cooking, so at least once a week I'd have a friend, or a family of friends over for dinner.

That's three nights taken care of.

There was usually something going on in the valley some place ... one guy had a billiard table in the loft of his workshop, and there was a gathering of folk, so I'd go, talk, listen to music, take my guitar ( but steer clear of the mary jane and the booze ).

Four nights taken care of.

Got a project that I really like. Several projects in fact, I extended the deck and put in a hot tub. I went and got lumber to build myself the dining table I always wanted to have.
And I took in visitors. Hosted lots and lots of young people from all over the world in my huge house, often in exchange for some help with work on the farm. Which also provided
company, the scope for learning new things from many different cultures and nations.

Seriously, I never rattled around in that big house of mine, not knowing what to do, not knowing how to get to sleep. When I was on my own for a stretch, I'd read books (every two months or so I'd drive a few hours to the big city, stay with the out-laws for a night or two, and raid all the 2nd hand bookstores, I've ended up with thousands of books) or I'd watch
films on late night tv which only lasted a short time until they got heavily into advertising, that was the end of that.

Keep busy, and make sure you have lots and lots and lots of real warm-bodied, warm hearted people in  your life, that is the best medicine.
Stay away from the chemicals.

I just noticed that there's one question that I never answered, and that is "what brings meaning to your life".

What brings meaning to my life is to be the best I can at whatever I do. I get a huge amount of satisfaction and
affirmation from a job well done. I am a perfectionist, and when I see I did something well, really well, that
brings a smile to my face and gives me one hell of a rise in self worth.

And the other thing that brings meaning to my life is to continue to grow, continue to learn, to keep an open
mind (but not so open that the wind blows in one ear and out the other side). I am worried about that. Practically
everybody in my mother's family has dementia. My father and one half brother have lost their minds. I can only
hope that my mind stays sharp. Looking, observing, learning - that gives a lot of meaning to MY life.

What Fiery said about the exercise.   @helentishappy, I've spouted off about regular high intensity exercise before, but mostly from the perspective of raising spirits and increasing metabolism.   

But Fiery raises an even better reason -- sleep.   Getting up early and exercising makes sleeping at night much easier.   And I'm a night owl by nature.   But the night owl life style will kill you (me).