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Post by solodriver on Dec 16, 2018 0:21:56 GMT -5
whynotm3,
You are not a fool! You are a caring, loving, patient person who deserves love and respect.
HE"S THE FOOL for letting you get away!
(((Hugs)))
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2018 1:22:17 GMT -5
Hey everybody ... thank you all for your support. To say the least, it's been an exhausting 24+ hours. Just having a chance to check in now. For the 1st time in our 7 years together, we slept apart last night. Well, in truth, neither of us actually slept. Horrible night, early morning, another complete emotional breakdown for me, followed by more silence. Mid afternoon I approached him and asked what his "plan was" ... meaning, getting out, finding a place, leaving before xmas or after? This started the dialogue. A dialogue of "I don't want this" ... " I don't want this either, but you humiliated me last night". A dialogue of "I meant xmas eve because the kids would be with their dad and we'd have to house to ourselves" to, "I know that's WHY you said it but its f-n stupid we can't have sex if the kids are home!" and this scheduled BS has to stop! THIS is exactly the reason why I don't feel you want me! More anger and an honest verbal spewing of how badly he hurt me and how I don't want to walk away but "this" is unacceptable. I won't live like this and refuse to continue this way." Someone said in their comment my husband sounds like a dick. Well, he absolutely can be a dick. One thing he has gotten better at though is sincerely apologizing. This is his longest ever relationship, he has been alone most his life. His relationship skills are not the best, but I have seen genuine progress over our time together. During our talk today he told me, he understands if I have to end the relationship, that I have to do what I feel is best for me, but made sure I knew he still wanted to work to improve things. That he didn't want to give up and throw all our time together away. I told him I didn't know if it could work, that we always end up back here. That sex is a HUGE part of a marriage and I absolutely refuse to be "roommates" with my spouse. I said I was fully prepared to be single again and would never tolerate that level of humiliation again either. He apologized. He admitted he has many flaws he needs to work on and sees he has failed miserably showing me how much I mean to him. Sigh .... you all know where this is going now, don't you? A re-set, I believe is the term you use. I conceded to try again. He promised he would keep fighting to get to the place I need to get to. Am I a fool? Time will tell. This I DO know ... every fight like this it gets easier to see myself without him so IF the end does come for us, I will be ready AND I will know with certainty that I tried my best. I'm on my phone, not my laptop, and it is very late here, so will end this here. I've left out much, but know we still have a long way to go. If he keeps admitting his faults and is willing to keep trying, then I will do the same until I've no fight left in me. Again, am I a fool? Time will tell. Many many many thanks to all of you who reached out to me. It truly means so much to me. Don't hate. Maybe you can all tell me "I told you so" after the next blow up. ๐๐
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 16, 2018 1:34:21 GMT -5
Don't beat yourself up over this. I believe we have all ended up in this club because we are caring people. We accept that our spouses love us, and we love them.
You are seeing this in a different light, now. However you interpret his words, the bottom line is that he knows you have needs, and no interest if filling them, and not willing to give you an honest assessment.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2018 1:54:57 GMT -5
Don't beat yourself up over this. I believe we have all ended up in this club because we are caring people. We accept that our spouses love us, and we love them. You are seeing this in a different light, now. However you interpret his words, the bottom line is that he knows you have needs, and no interest if filling them, and not willing to give you an honest assessment. You are correct in us being loving and caring people. You may also be 100% correct in the rest. Right now "loving and caring" may likely be trumping brains and logic. Either way, I've nothing to lose. I know me and know I will only go around this circle so many times ... likely more times than someone else would, but giving people the benefit of the doubt has often been both an asset and a defect of mine.
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Post by baza on Dec 16, 2018 2:26:23 GMT -5
Potentially, the best thing anyone has going for them in resolving an ILIASM shithole, is their credibility. That if you say something, the spouse can take it to the bank that you say what you mean and you mean what you say. OTOH, if you have said - or been provoked into making - angry threats that you are not prepared to follow through on, then you shred your cred and educate your spouse that you need not be taken too seriously.
These situations are hellishly difficult to resolve under the best of conditions. With your cred shred, even more difficult.
I think in this latest exchange where you've backed off and extended "last chance #whatever" is probably the smart play. Clearly, at this point, you are NOT ready and there's no point in pretending to him (or yourself) that you are. It is probably time to consolidate, get your shit together, and get prepared - fully prepared - for the next opportunity. And really really try and not say anything that you are not prepared to do - and definitely don't let yourself be maneuvered into saying stuff you don't mean in the heat of discussion.
Good luck Sister @whynotm3 .
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 16, 2018 2:47:39 GMT -5
whynotm3: When you are with a man who is sexually compatible with you, he won't have to try to get himself to have sex with you. He would be so sexually attracted to you that he would find unbelievable the idea of willingly going months and weeks without having sex with you.
Once you allow yourself to realize these things, you'll know what to do with your marriage.
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Post by h on Dec 16, 2018 5:24:52 GMT -5
solodriver - "Seems you're husband and my wife ought to be together, that way they won't have to bother each other, lol." Might as well throw my wife in for a weird sexless threesome. ๐ I'm sure some others here would donate a spouse to the group. It could be like a big sexless hippy commune. Ok, I'm off topic. tirefire,
I remember a while back a member "wingman" suggested he wanted to have an island where all of us in SMs could go to meet each other and enjoy life again. We threw him quite a few suggestions for activities that we could have there.
Maybe what your suggestion is an island for the refusers to gather. I know this is off the topic but funny to think about. Could be called "Refuser Island - The Saddest Place on Earth!"
Except, it wouldn't be the saddest place on Earth to them. It would be a happy place free from the stresses of a spouse bugging them for sex. It would be perfect.... for THEM.
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Post by csl on Dec 16, 2018 9:15:38 GMT -5
I told him I didn't know if it could work, that we always end up back here. That sex is a HUGE part of a marriage and I absolutely refuse to be "roommates" with my spouse. I said I was fully prepared to be single again and would never tolerate that level of humiliation again either. He apologized. He admitted he has many flaws he needs to work on and sees he has failed miserably showing me how much I mean to him. Sigh .... you all know where this is going now, don't you? A re-set, I believe is the term you use. So you do the terms of the re-set: insert your non-negotiables. If frequency is the issue, set a minimum number of times a week. If contents/events are an issue, make a list of acts that will constitute acceptable intimacy (Wham, Bam, Thank you Ma'am doesn't count). But like any good lawyer, you set the terms for continuing the marriage.
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Post by flounder on Dec 16, 2018 9:33:27 GMT -5
@whynotm3 - Your husband sounds like a dick. I'm sorry this is happening to you right before Christmas. Not the dick she wanted for Christmas.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2018 9:35:32 GMT -5
@whynotm3 - Your husband sounds like a dick. I'm sorry this is happening to you right before Christmas. Not the dick she wanted for Christmas. @ tirefire lol! ๐ Your sense of humor makes me smile. Thank you!
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Post by flounder on Dec 16, 2018 9:50:02 GMT -5
Hey everybody ... thank you all for your support. To say the least, it's been an exhausting 24+ hours. Just having a chance to check in now. For the 1st time in our 7 years together, we slept apart last night. Well, in truth, neither of us actually slept. Horrible night, early morning, another complete emotional breakdown for me, followed by more silence. Mid afternoon I approached him and asked what his "plan was" ... meaning, getting out, finding a place, leaving before xmas or after? This started the dialogue. A dialogue of "I don't want this" ... " I don't want this either, but you humiliated me last night". A dialogue of "I meant xmas eve because the kids would be with their dad and we'd have to house to ourselves" to, "I know that's WHY you said it but its f-n stupid we can't have sex if the kids are home!" and this scheduled BS has to stop! THIS is exactly the reason why I don't feel you want me! More anger and an honest verbal spewing of how badly he hurt me and how I don't want to walk away but "this" is unacceptable. I won't live like this and refuse to continue this way." Someone said in their comment my husband sounds like a dick. Well, he absolutely can be a dick. One thing he has gotten better at though is sincerely apologizing. This is his longest ever relationship, he has been alone most his life. His relationship skills are not the best, but I have seen genuine progress over our time together. During our talk today he told me, he understands if I have to end the relationship, that I have to do what I feel is best for me, but made sure I knew he still wanted to work to improve things. That he didn't want to give up and throw all our time together away. I told him I didn't know if it could work, that we always end up back here. That sex is a HUGE part of a marriage and I absolutely refuse to be "roommates" with my spouse. I said I was fully prepared to be single again and would never tolerate that level of humiliation again either. He apologized. He admitted he has many flaws he needs to work on and sees he has failed miserably showing me how much I mean to him. Sigh .... you all know where this is going now, don't you? A re-set, I believe is the term you use. I conceded to try again. He promised he would keep fighting to get to the place I need to get to. Am I a fool? Time will tell. This I DO know ... every fight like this it gets easier to see myself without him so IF the end does come for us, I will be ready AND I will know with certainty that I tried my best. I'm on my phone, not my laptop, and it is very late here, so will end this here. I've left out much, but know we still have a long way to go. If he keeps admitting his faults and is willing to keep trying, then I will do the same until I've no fight left in me. Again, am I a fool? Time will tell. Many many many thanks to all of you who reached out to me. It truly means so much to me. Don't hate. Maybe you can all tell me "I told you so" after the next blow up. ๐๐ You are not a fool dear. You are in the same boat as a lot of us. I think you have just had your breakthrough. You have realized that you donโt have to put up with this shit anymore. You are willing to end it if needed. Some of us never get to that point. Some of us take a long time to get to that point. Ball is in his court now. Time for him to put up or shut up. Just be willing to stand by what you said. If he doesnโt try,then put him out !
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2018 10:46:20 GMT -5
whynotm3: When you are with a man who is sexually compatible with you, he won't have to try to get himself to have sex with you. He would be so sexually attracted to you that he would find unbelievable the idea of willingly going months and weeks without having sex with you. Once you allow yourself to realize these things, you'll know what to do with your marriage. @ northstar ... I have that in a play partner. I've pondered much about the idea of a relationship with this man who is so sexually compatible with me it's beyond words. I've come to the conclusion, though, we aren't compatible in too many other areas, and I'm certain I don't love him. I love my husband. If my husband and I could get to a place where I felt desired and wanted, I think I could be ok with having the fireworks and bed burning, bed-flooding sex with this other man. As with all of this though, time will tell, and I may be very wrong in my beliefs on this one. Hindsight is always 20-20, right?
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2018 12:35:41 GMT -5
Potentially, the best thing anyone has going for them in resolving an ILIASM shithole, is their credibility. That if you say something, the spouse can take it to the bank that you say what you mean and you mean what you say. OTOH, if you have said - or been provoked into making - angry threats that you are not prepared to follow through on, then you shred your cred and educate your spouse that you need not be taken too seriously. These situations are hellishly difficult to resolve under the best of conditions. With your cred shred, even more difficult. I think in this latest exchange where you've backed off and extended "last chance #whatever" is probably the smart play. Clearly, at this point, you are NOT ready and there's no point in pretending to him (or yourself) that you are. It is probably time to consolidate, get your shit together, and get prepared - fully prepared - for the next opportunity. And really really try and not say anything that you are not prepared to do - and definitely don't let yourself be maneuvered into saying stuff you don't mean in the heat of discussion. Good luck Sister @whynotm3 . I agree completely about the cred thing. You're 100% correct. The way I'm looking at that aspect is like this .... IF he chooses to take my kindness for a weakness and thinks he is only stringing me along to keep me in my place, HE will be the one hurt by that. I WILL walk if things don't improve and HE will be the only one hurt by trying to play me. Perhaps harsh, but true. I'm guarded right now. Pleasant, polite, and hopeful, but guarded nonetheless.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2018 12:36:57 GMT -5
Hey everybody ... thank you all for your support. To say the least, it's been an exhausting 24+ hours. Just having a chance to check in now. For the 1st time in our 7 years together, we slept apart last night. Well, in truth, neither of us actually slept. Horrible night, early morning, another complete emotional breakdown for me, followed by more silence. Mid afternoon I approached him and asked what his "plan was" ... meaning, getting out, finding a place, leaving before xmas or after? This started the dialogue. A dialogue of "I don't want this" ... " I don't want this either, but you humiliated me last night". A dialogue of "I meant xmas eve because the kids would be with their dad and we'd have to house to ourselves" to, "I know that's WHY you said it but its f-n stupid we can't have sex if the kids are home!" and this scheduled BS has to stop! THIS is exactly the reason why I don't feel you want me! More anger and an honest verbal spewing of how badly he hurt me and how I don't want to walk away but "this" is unacceptable. I won't live like this and refuse to continue this way." Someone said in their comment my husband sounds like a dick. Well, he absolutely can be a dick. One thing he has gotten better at though is sincerely apologizing. This is his longest ever relationship, he has been alone most his life. His relationship skills are not the best, but I have seen genuine progress over our time together. During our talk today he told me, he understands if I have to end the relationship, that I have to do what I feel is best for me, but made sure I knew he still wanted to work to improve things. That he didn't want to give up and throw all our time together away. I told him I didn't know if it could work, that we always end up back here. That sex is a HUGE part of a marriage and I absolutely refuse to be "roommates" with my spouse. I said I was fully prepared to be single again and would never tolerate that level of humiliation again either. He apologized. He admitted he has many flaws he needs to work on and sees he has failed miserably showing me how much I mean to him. Sigh .... you all know where this is going now, don't you? A re-set, I believe is the term you use. I conceded to try again. He promised he would keep fighting to get to the place I need to get to. Am I a fool? Time will tell. This I DO know ... every fight like this it gets easier to see myself without him so IF the end does come for us, I will be ready AND I will know with certainty that I tried my best. I'm on my phone, not my laptop, and it is very late here, so will end this here. I've left out much, but know we still have a long way to go. If he keeps admitting his faults and is willing to keep trying, then I will do the same until I've no fight left in me. Again, am I a fool? Time will tell. Many many many thanks to all of you who reached out to me. It truly means so much to me. Don't hate. Maybe you can all tell me "I told you so" after the next blow up. ๐๐ You are not a fool dear. You are in the same boat as a lot of us. I think you have just had your breakthrough. You have realized that you donโt have to put up with this shit anymore. You are willing to end it if needed. Some of us never get to that point. Some of us take a long time to get to that point. Ball is in his court now. Time for him to put up or shut up. Just be willing to stand by what you said. If he doesnโt try,then put him out ! Flounder, thank you! Exactly!
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Post by baza on Dec 16, 2018 16:31:57 GMT -5
Potentially, the best thing anyone has going for them in resolving an ILIASM shithole, is their credibility. That if you say something, the spouse can take it to the bank that you say what you mean and you mean what you say. OTOH, if you have said - or been provoked into making - angry threats that you are not prepared to follow through on, then you shred your cred and educate your spouse that you need not be taken too seriously. These situations are hellishly difficult to resolve under the best of conditions. With your cred shred, even more difficult. I think in this latest exchange where you've backed off and extended "last chance #whatever" is probably the smart play. Clearly, at this point, you are NOT ready and there's no point in pretending to him (or yourself) that you are. It is probably time to consolidate, get your shit together, and get prepared - fully prepared - for the next opportunity. And really really try and not say anything that you are not prepared to do - and definitely don't let yourself be maneuvered into saying stuff you don't mean in the heat of discussion. Good luck Sister @whynotm3 . I agree completely about the cred thing. You're 100% correct. The way I'm looking at that aspect is like this .... IF he chooses to take my kindness for a weakness and thinks he is only stringing me along to keep me in my place, HE will be the one hurt by that. I WILL walk if things don't improve and HE will be the only one hurt by trying to play me. Perhaps harsh, but true. I'm guarded right now. Pleasant, polite, and hopeful, but guarded nonetheless. Then there's the other angle Sister @whynotm3 - him. The "ring throwing and walking out act" he performed looks pretty impressive in the moment but proved to have nothing of substance to back it up. His cred took a beating too - at least this time (and maybe there have been other times too in the past) In any event, you now know (if you didn't before) that he is prone to saying shit he doesn't mean too. You can pretty safely assume that if a divorce is to happen here, it won't be him who instigates it. And that leaves the onus on you.
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