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Post by solodriver on Aug 28, 2018 20:44:34 GMT -5
Today I'm trying to create a new picture of a future Christmas day. All I want for Christmas now is to be with someone whom I can share love and romance with. I would spend the day with giving her beautiful flowers, going shopping with her to find a dress and/or nightwear she would like (before Christmas) and treating her to a candlelight Christmas dinner, followed by day and night of romantic, passionate, fun-filled lovemaking at a very nice hotel, enjoying each others bodies, looks, smiles, kisses, tastes and smells over and over again. I don't want anything for myself, just to be able to provide that experience would be present enough for me. My friend, there are hundreds of women who have been dating asshole men who would absolutely melt at the thought that a man would want to give them this experience. I didn't know it until I was separated, but men like you are very rare indeed. What you don't understand is that those same women will want to give you a wonderful experience as well.
Kimmie has told me that when she shows pictures of me to other single women, they say, "How in the world did you find him?" Most single women over 40 find it very difficult to find a man who treats her like a lady.
I'm sure looking forward to that opportunity flashjohn. With what I have to look forward to over the next year, it would be a beautiful experience to have and be able to give.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 28, 2018 20:54:24 GMT -5
Just like it's unlikely that he just wanted to snuggle in the above example, it's unlikely that the laundry situation was his only reason for walking naked into his refuser wife's room. I have been thinking about this a little bit the past day or so, and my two cents is this: it's your house too solodriver . You can be naked where ever you need to be naked. She has no more ownership over the space than you do. If I were you, I'd walk around naked all the time to make her uncomfortable (sorry, I'm feeling snarky today myself). I say do everything in your birthday suit. Eat breakfast, sit on the couch, hell, dance in the kitchen naked. Maybe she'll do you a favor and move the fuck out. Well I do agree with the first part about being my house too and that's why I didn't think that she would have reacted the way she did, because I would never have reacted that way to her being naked in my presence, especially if I created a situation where she needed to find her underwear because I didn't finish doing the laundry for whatever the reason was that she had (lazy, tired, distracted and never came back to it).
But I certainly am not going to let it happen again. Next time I'm naked with a woman, it won't be in this house and it won't with this woman.
But I'm going to remind her about me "creeping her out" whenever she wants something from me.
Example:
Can you please put some medicine on my feet?
I creep you out, why do you want me to do that?
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 28, 2018 21:04:19 GMT -5
solodriver said: "Today I'm trying to create a new picture of a future Christmas day. All I want for Christmas now is to be with someone whom I can share love and romance with. I would spend the day with giving her beautiful flowers, going shopping with her to find a dress and/or nightwear she would like (before Christmas) and treating her to a candlelight Christmas dinner, followed by day and night of romantic, passionate, fun-filled lovemaking at a very nice hotel, enjoying each others bodies, looks, smiles, kisses, tastes and smells over and over again. I don't want anything for myself, just to be able to provide that experience would be present enough for me."
Journal about this. Write it as vividly as you did here. Imagine that you're living that life. Masturbate to those fantasies.
That's what I did, and now, for 5 years, I've been happily with the love of my life, a man who loves me, loves making love to me, and who thinks I'm so lovely that he posts pictures of me on FB and says, "Isn't she lovely!"
A woman friend whom I used to journal with says I wrote my way to my dreams.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 28, 2018 21:05:04 GMT -5
solodriver , I have read every reply to this thread. A ton of good support even if it challenged your view of the issue. You have expressed your heartache and your sensitivity to your wife's inherent bitchyness. It is good that you worked through that stage. Now it is time to go full on Warrior Mode. Take no shit from her ever again. If she attacks you, belittles you, insults you or degrades you in any manner or place jump straight into her shit. Defend yourself vigorously even if it embarrasses her in front of her friends. Do not pretend everything is fine. It fucking is not. As others mentioned what is the worst she can do? File for divorce? Score for you. Yes walk around naked in your house whenever you feel like it. In fact put some swagger into your walk when she looks, make your junk schwing. There is one caveat, do not enter her bedroom naked, in fact do not enter her bedroom without an invite. It is her sanctuary, her rules. But the same applies to your bedroom, you can apply the rule she must not enter unless she is naked. Fuck her. Get that legal advise ASAP. Paying down your debts may not be the best option. In many jurisdictions she will be on the hook for half of the debt. If you pay it off her obligation is zero. Your choice but get the advise to make an informed choice. Thank you for your input, I really appreciate. It made me smile, just like the last few similar posts that suggested the same thing. It does put a funny image in my head and made me smile so thank you. You all took something pauinful and made me sad into an inmage that made me smile and laugh.
That's what I love about all of you. You can see things from a different point of view and it helps to read that.
Well no I'm not going to fuck her, that's for sure.
And no I won't be naked in her presence again. Roommate rules are in full effect from Saturday forward. If I go out, I'm not obligated to tell her where I'm going or when I'll be back. I will take care of my own needs. An example is that she always buys herself a soda and never gets one foe me. So I've been doing that for awhile. She's pretty much on her own now until we go into separation mode. We will not go anywhere together anymore.
And when she asks for my help I will remind her that I creep her out and so I can't help her.
It will be interesting to see what happens in the next several months until separation time.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 28, 2018 21:08:20 GMT -5
solodriver said: "Today I'm trying to create a new picture of a future Christmas day. All I want for Christmas now is to be with someone whom I can share love and romance with. I would spend the day with giving her beautiful flowers, going shopping with her to find a dress and/or nightwear she would like (before Christmas) and treating her to a candlelight Christmas dinner, followed by day and night of romantic, passionate, fun-filled lovemaking at a very nice hotel, enjoying each others bodies, looks, smiles, kisses, tastes and smells over and over again. I don't want anything for myself, just to be able to provide that experience would be present enough for me." Journal about this. Write it as vividly as you did here. Imagine that you're living that life. Masturbate to those fantasies. That's what I did, and now, for 5 years, I've been happily with the love of my life, a man who loves me, loves making love to me, and who thinks I'm so lovely that he posts pictures of me on FB and says, "Isn't she lovely!" A woman friend whom I used to journal with says I wrote my way to my dreams. What a nice though northstarmom. I need to keep it in the front of my face.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 28, 2018 21:44:04 GMT -5
But I'm going to remind her about me "creeping her out" whenever she wants something from me.
Example:
Can you please put some medicine on my feet?
I creep you out, why do you want me to do that?
I like this tactic to a point. My advice from my own experience would be, use it a few times. Then drop it. My guess is you will not receive any kind of apology. She will deny it and avoid it. But be aware, her lip will snarl with anger at you. The more angry you make her by exposing her faults the more revengeful she will become. You will be putting gas on the fire. Standing up for yourself is good, dropping the rope in a tug of war that you will not win at, is better. Instead continue to gain ground by not playing along with her hurtful,childish, tactics, instead take the high road. Remind yourself " Thank you Lord that I am not like that, this woman has problems that I can not fix. I deserve better" I will be helping myself and her by avoiding conflict as much as possible as I gain the upper hand by learning as much about the divorce procedure and act upon it. Hopefully in your final year you will hear and see her selfish actions, and hear her demoralizing words towards you -and others -and you will react to it. You will stand there in silence, one arm crossed the other with your clenched fist up against your closed mouth, and your head will shake slightly, as you think to yourself" mmm... mmm. thank you for continually proving that I am making the right choice by giving myself a new beginning."
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Post by solodriver on Aug 28, 2018 23:13:00 GMT -5
But I'm going to remind her about me "creeping her out" whenever she wants something from me.
Example:
Can you please put some medicine on my feet?
I creep you out, why do you want me to do that?
I like this tactic to a point. My advice from my own experience would be, use it a few times. Then drop it. My guess is you will not receive any kind of apology. She will deny it and avoid it. But be aware, her lip will snarl with anger at you. The more angry you make her by exposing her faults the more revengeful she will become. You will be putting gas on the fire. Standing up for yourself is good, dropping the rope in a tug of war that you will not win at, is better. Instead continue to gain ground by not playing along with her hurtful,childish, tactics, instead take the high road. Remind yourself " Thank you Lord that I am not like that, this woman has problems that I can not fix. I deserve better" I will be helping myself and her by avoiding conflict as much as possible as I gain the upper hand by learning as much about the divorce procedure and act upon it. Hopefully in your final year you will hear and see her selfish actions, and hear her demoralizing words towards you -and others -and you will react to it. You will stand there in silence, one arm crossed the other with your clenched fist up against your closed mouth, and your head will shake slightly, as you think to yourself" mmm... mmm. thank you for continually proving that I am making the right choice by giving myself a new beginning." Thank you greatcoastal. Your advice is wise and I will use it.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 28, 2018 23:15:39 GMT -5
northstarmom said: "Journal about this."
I will. And I know just where I'll journal it.
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Post by jamesbonding on Aug 29, 2018 0:49:16 GMT -5
"If I go out, I'm not obligated to tell her where I'm going or when I'll be back."
Bravo! If you can stop her from grilling you about how you are spending your time, then you can visit lawyers and do whatever else you need to do more freely.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 29, 2018 2:18:31 GMT -5
“Hopefully in your final year you will hear and see her selfish actions, and hear her demoralizing words towards you -and others -and you will react to it. You will stand there in silence, one arm crossed the other with your clenched fist up against your closed mouth, and your head will shake slightly, as you think to yourself" mmm... mmm. thank you for continually proving that I am making the right choice by giving myself a new beginning."”
I disagree. Calmly calling her on her shit will set a boundary and help him not bottle up rage or turn his anger against himself..
For instance, when she says something snarky, he could reply, “that’s insulting. I will not stand for your addressing me this way,” and then he’d walk away. This is better than passive acceptance of her hurtful remarks.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 29, 2018 2:21:15 GMT -5
“Bravo! If you can stop her from grilling you about how you are spending your time, then you can visit lawyers and do whatever else you need to do more freely.”
He also can choose not to answer her. He is a grown man. She is not his probation officer or mommy.
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Post by time4intimacy on Aug 29, 2018 3:08:23 GMT -5
And no I won't be naked in her presence again. Roommate rules are in full effect from Saturday forward. If I go out, I'm not obligated to tell her where I'm going or when I'll be back. I will take care of my own needs. An example is that she always buys herself a soda and never gets one foe me. So I've been doing that for awhile. She's pretty much on her own now until we go into separation mode. We will not go anywhere together anymore.
And when she asks for my help I will remind her that I creep her out and so I can't help her.
It will be interesting to see what happens in the next several months until separation time.
solodriver I know I am responding very late on this thread. First, sorry so much for your pain in this entire process and I know it has to suck. My $.02 is that your next step does not take several months. You can do roommate rules and not do any couple things any longer to reinforce the point, you are leaving. However, I think you need to focus on actions to leave and leave as soon as you can to move on with your life. I don't think there is any need for it to take several months for separation. Why extend the abuse, knowing 100% you are done? Spend this Christmas getting naked with someone.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 29, 2018 6:34:25 GMT -5
I disagree. Calmly calling her on her shit will set a boundary and help him not bottle up rage or turn his anger against himself.. For instance, when she says something snarky, he could reply, “that’s insulting. I will not stand for your addressing me this way,” and then he’d walk away. This is better than passive acceptance of her hurtful remarks. The reason I recommend not replying to her is that she will immediately pull DARVO on him, she will point a crooked finger right back at him, "well you do it too, that's because all you think about is yourself, you never consider me" even though there is no truth in that, telling her that she is insulting and disrespectful, will go in one ear and out the other. She has no respect for his opinion feelings or reactions. Better to take actions, that way you are not passively accepting her remarks.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 29, 2018 7:02:51 GMT -5
“The reason I recommend not replying to her is that she will immediately pull DARVO on him, she will point a crooked finger right back at him, ”
My suggestion is that he walk away after after he calls her on her insult. He should speak up for himself then disengage instead of doing what he does now— making no reply while feeling deep hurt. He has been very passive and has turned his hurt and anger against himself.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 29, 2018 7:28:31 GMT -5
“The reason I recommend not replying to her is that she will immediately pull DARVO on him, she will point a crooked finger right back at him, ” My suggestion is that he walk away after after he calls her on her insult. He should speak up for himself then disengage instead of doing what he does now— making no reply while feeling deep hurt. He has been very passive and has turned his hurt and anger against himself. If you think so? I see that as even more passivity. Labeling her and disengaging is just more "one way communication." That's just what she does to him and look what happens. solodrivers STBX is too set in her ways. You give her an inch -by calling her out on her ways or setting boundaries- she is going to take your kidney. He needs to experience more respectful 2 way open ,honest communication with someone else, someone who is good at it, possibly a male mentor.. That's not going to happen with her. Better to communicate with his STBX through an attorney, a judge, and a sheriff ( that's taking action). Why do you think my ex went through 4 attorneys? She rejected all of it and wanted it her way only. It took the clock ticking , getting closer and closer to her having to face the judge and her losing more and more money for her to finally bend. If he ticks her off more, just wait until she calls the police on him and files false claims, the law will be on her side. solodriver you need an exit plan, have a suitcase packed and in your car at all times, and be ready.
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