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Post by choosinghappy on Aug 18, 2018 21:31:29 GMT -5
Of finally succeeding in getting her to allow you to fuck her perfect and pristine pussy, of course. Ugh, what a douchebag. You know when I read this I think about my ex (and yours too@choosinghappy) It's not like she thought she was this perfect pristine hot chick,or your H thought he was this hot handsome hunk of a guy, they just have fears and a totally different way of rejecting everyone else who even dares get near it so they don't have to face it. I'll never forget her comment when I mentioned sex once a week, " I don't think I'll ever be ready for that". That really helped me see that it's not us, it's them. Agreed greatcoastal. My major comment/wake up call from STBX was when he described to me the way his skin crawls if I unexpectedly touch his arm/hand/other body part in a non sexual way. Getting a fight-or-flight response when your spouse touches you is not a good sign, to say the least. I knew then there was no hope and that it wasn’t me, it was him.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 18, 2018 22:14:43 GMT -5
My wake-up call came a few weeks ago, when I crawled in bed next to wife to watch TV and she asked me to move away from her. That said it all to me and I'm going to keep moving away and on as soon as I can.
Though that hurt like hell, I know it's her and not me.
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Post by csl on Aug 19, 2018 7:13:06 GMT -5
True that. Like Brother csl says, if *you* start doing something different in a relationship, it invariably provokes a re-action or a response of some sort from the other party. And then, *you* respond to their response, and they respond to your response to their response....etc etc. And potentially, by passing this "ball of response" to and fro, you knock the thing off top dead centre, and it starts to move onward to wherever the truth drives it. Who starts it moving ? Given that you can only control yourself, *you* are hereby elected. A fine example of csl-splaining.
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Post by Dan on Aug 19, 2018 7:25:07 GMT -5
Yesterday, in searching for an old email in my CSL blog email account, I came across an email that I had completely forgotten about. This man had emailed me in May of ‘17 telling about his SM situation and asked if I had any suggestions. Being the all-wise librarian and coot that I am, of course I did, and sent a long reply. Five months later, I got this reply: I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer... but... have you heard from him recently? Are they still "on track" with a mutually satisfying sex life? I mean, we all know "resets happen"; sometimes the LL spouse retrogresses, showing he/she wasn't really interested/able to make a lasting change. I look at those here like northstarmom , shamwow , nyartgal , and WindSister who have found a mutually satisfying forward-going intimate life... but not by changing how their spouse thinks, but by changing who their spouse is. Seems like a viable pattern; I wonder if the Christian counselor would approve of -- or even acknowledge -- their success?
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Post by csl on Aug 19, 2018 7:45:38 GMT -5
Yesterday, in searching for an old email in my CSL blog email account, I came across an email that I had completely forgotten about. This man had emailed me in May of ‘17 telling about his SM situation and asked if I had any suggestions. Being the all-wise librarian and coot that I am, of course I did, and sent a long reply. Five months later, I got this reply: I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer... but... have you heard from him recently? Are they still "on track" with a mutually satisfying sex life? I mean, we all know "resets happen"; sometimes the LL spouse retrogresses, showing he/she wasn't really interested/able to make a lasting change. I look at those here like northstarmom , shamwow , nyartgal , and WindSister who have found a mutually satisfying forward-going intimate life... but not by changing how their spouse thinks, but by changing who their spouse is. Seems like a viable pattern; I wonder if the Christian counselor would approve of -- or even acknowledge -- their success? No, I haven't heard from him, but since he contacted me first and sought for help, I am of the mind that he would return to the well if he needed to. Leave us not forget that in his follow-up in Nov., his wife had twice pushed for divorce and he was willing to go that route. His story illustrates the "making changes by yourself forces changes overall" advice that I give. So, if he doesn't write me, I am going to take him at his word. Is there any reason to doubt him? After all, isn't "when someone tells you who they are, believe them" a shibboleth of ILIASM?
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Post by Dan on Aug 19, 2018 8:17:34 GMT -5
No, I haven't heard from him, but since he contacted me first and sought for help, I am of the mind that he would return to the well if he needed to. ... . So, if he doesn't write me, I am going to take him at his word. Is there any reason to doubt him? After all, isn't "when someone tells you who they are, believe them" a shibboleth of ILIASM? It's not that I doubt his account of that time... its that I'm concerned that his optimism-of-the moment may not have been justified as things progressed. It's not that I don't trust him... but perhaps I don't trust her. My counsel that he be wary of such a sweeping change is not a mere shibboleth -- a test to determine if you are part of a given clan, such as ILIASM. I'm not testing "is he jaded enough like so many of us here". But my own jadedness is borne out of experience: my wife from time to time made changes, and I was happy, and even once or twice declared "success!" In retrospect, I see two things: a) my wife's changes were not enduring, and more to the point b) my momentary happiness had more to do with the fact that we were on an upward trend. That is to say: I have mistaken "progress" for "achieving a sustainable level of satisfying intimacy". The fact that he hasn't written back may be due to the fact that he is living blissfully and no longer needs your counsel. Is it also possible that things have fallen apart, he is in despair, and too embarrassed to reach out you you again and admit his own premature announcement that his prayers have been answered?
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Post by csl on Aug 19, 2018 12:37:58 GMT -5
I follow several Christian marriage and sexuality bloggers, and there is one guy that I have termed the MacDaddy of the genre. He has been blogging for nearly 10 years. Anyway, at the end of today’s blog, he responded to a commenter who had a quibble with today’s post, and I thought it went well in this thread.
He tells of experiences that have been related to him recently:
”I’ve talked to several men and couples where the man was sure his wife was going to divorce him and there was nothing he could do. However, these men assumed they would marry again and they wanted their next marriage to be better. So they worked on themselves, for themselves. They became better husbands as they did this, with no expectation it would save their marriage… and yet it did save their marriage. One of these men, who had been married more than 20 years, told me it also resulted in the best sex life they had ever had.”
I’m not making promises; I’m just saying it is possible. Like I said in shynjdude’s thread “Common knowledge is neither common nor knowledge; it’s merely assumption.”
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Post by shamwow on Aug 19, 2018 18:28:53 GMT -5
I follow several Christian marriage and sexuality bloggers, and there is one guy that I have termed the MacDaddy of the genre. He has been blogging for nearly 10 years. Anyway, at the end of today’s blog, he responded to a commenter who had a quibble with today’s post, and I thought it went well in this thread. He tells of experiences that have been related to him recently: ”I’ve talked to several men and couples where the man was sure his wife was going to divorce him and there was nothing he could do. However, these men assumed they would marry again and they wanted their next marriage to be better. So they worked on themselves, for themselves. They became better husbands as they did this, with no expectation it would save their marriage… and yet it did save their marriage. One of these men, who had been married more than 20 years, told me it also resulted in the best sex life they had ever had.” I’m not making promises; I’m just saying it is possible. Like I said in shynjdude’s thread “Common knowledge is neither common nor knowledge; it’s merely assumption.” Isn't there a conflict of interest here? If I were a Christian blogger whose blog consisted of just how much of a turnaround he's had, wouldn't he be more inclined to gloss over any regressions? After all, he has a considerable number of people (yourself included) who read his posts and his advice. If things fall back to what they were, that would be a very hard thing to admit. And if I had kept trying to keep fixing my marriage I'd still be sniffing bacon scented candles. If you don't have someone willing to try on the other end the best it will ever get is the maximum they are willing to try AND sustain. If that's below your minimum? Not all of the Christian bloggers in the world can fix that.
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Post by baza on Aug 19, 2018 19:10:36 GMT -5
I must admit that hearsay - where you tell me what someone else said / did - is not something I give a lot of credence to. That's what I like about this group - the fact that say Brother @shynjdude puts his story down firsthand, and as he sees it in the moment. There's no 'filter' and there's no spin on it. It's not someone else recounting shynjdudes story - it's shynjdude telling shynjdudes story. And to me, firsthand testimony is highly credible. To illustrate - Brother csl 's narration above. This is actually 3rd hand. There's csl telling the story of "McDaddy" who is telling the story of some other bloke. Person "A" tells a story to "McDaddy" who re-tells the story to "csl", who re-tells the story to the ILIASM membership. Much can be lost in translation. But we are invited to take "A"s story as gospel, although it has passed through 3 interpretations. You see here, Brother csl does not actually know "A" from a bar of soap. All he knows is what "McDaddy" told him. Indeed, it would seem that "McDaddy" isn't exactly close to "A" either, bar having exchanged a couple of emails. "A" and "McDaddy" are completely unknown to the ILIASM membership. They may be credible people, or they may not be. And whereas Brother csl may be able to vouch for "McDaddy" as being a stand up bloke, he can't vouch for "A" in any direct sense at all. Now I am NOT calling in to question the honesty of "A", or "McDaddy", or respected Brother csl . I AM making the point that hearing direct from "A" is more likely to be an accurate depiction of the facts than it would be after passing through 3 sets of hands, with each set of hands applying their own emphasis on aspects of the story. That's why personally, I don't put much stock into hearsay or second hand accounts of events.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2018 19:36:06 GMT -5
I'm glad you find my story credible, baza - because to me it is most in-credible. But I'm still in the middle of my own story, and the main character is usually pretty surprised how things work out.
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Post by baza on Aug 19, 2018 20:06:12 GMT -5
I'm glad you find my story credible, baza - because to me it is most in-credible. But I'm still in the middle of my own story, and the main character is usually pretty surprised how things work out. Well Brother shynjdude , you have been a member since April 16 2016, and you have contributed over 1,000 posts to the group. That, alone, gives you credibility in my opinion. Everyone on this board knows who you are and what your firsthand story is, and watching it play out is fascinating, to say the least. And however it ends up playing out, it is going to provide tremendous value to the membership as a reference point.
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Post by csl on Aug 20, 2018 8:56:03 GMT -5
I follow several Christian marriage and sexuality bloggers, and there is one guy that I have termed the MacDaddy of the genre. He has been blogging for nearly 10 years. Anyway, at the end of today’s blog, he responded to a commenter who had a quibble with today’s post, and I thought it went well in this thread. He tells of experiences that have been related to him recently: ”I’ve talked to several men and couples where the man was sure his wife was going to divorce him and there was nothing he could do. However, these men assumed they would marry again and they wanted their next marriage to be better. So they worked on themselves, for themselves. They became better husbands as they did this, with no expectation it would save their marriage… and yet it did save their marriage. One of these men, who had been married more than 20 years, told me it also resulted in the best sex life they had ever had.” I’m not making promises; I’m just saying it is possible. Like I said in shynjdude’s thread “Common knowledge is neither common nor knowledge; it’s merely assumption.” Isn't there a conflict of interest here? If I were a Christian blogger whose blog consisted of just how much of a turnaround he's had, wouldn't he be more inclined to gloss over any regressions? After all, he has a considerable number of people (yourself included) who read his posts and his advice. If things fall back to what they were, that would be a very hard thing to admit. And if I had kept trying to keep fixing my marriage I'd still be sniffing bacon scented candles. If you don't have someone willing to try on the other end the best it will ever get is the maximum they are willing to try AND sustain. If that's below your minimum? Not all of the Christian bloggers in the world can fix that. I've met this guy, and stats aren't his thing. He and his wife have been writing about marriage and sexuality, and doing the hard lifting for years. I can tell you that he often gets grief from guys who think that he can be too hard on them, who isn't an automatic "She's a bitch" writer. I've read his stuff for years, and there isn't even a hint of the cynicism and desperation that you want to push on him. Stats? Phui.
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Post by shamwow on Aug 20, 2018 10:56:44 GMT -5
Isn't there a conflict of interest here? If I were a Christian blogger whose blog consisted of just how much of a turnaround he's had, wouldn't he be more inclined to gloss over any regressions? After all, he has a considerable number of people (yourself included) who read his posts and his advice. If things fall back to what they were, that would be a very hard thing to admit. And if I had kept trying to keep fixing my marriage I'd still be sniffing bacon scented candles. If you don't have someone willing to try on the other end the best it will ever get is the maximum they are willing to try AND sustain. If that's below your minimum? Not all of the Christian bloggers in the world can fix that. I've met this guy, and stats aren't his thing. He and his wife have been writing about marriage and sexuality, and doing the hard lifting for years. I can tell you that he often gets grief from guys who think that he can be too hard on them, who isn't an automatic "She's a bitch" writer. I've read his stuff for years, and there isn't even a hint of the cynicism and desperation that you want to push on him. Stats? Phui. Not cynical. Just judging human nature. Hmmm... Maybe cynical
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