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Post by wewbwb on Jul 25, 2018 9:05:03 GMT -5
So well put. My MIL used to have a living room no one could go in and a chair no one could sit on. That is so far from my personality or world view. Drive the damn car. Nice zamBONEi See jokes always fit If you ever need a place to sit, just let me know.
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Post by workingonit on Jul 25, 2018 9:07:09 GMT -5
A friend of mine who also is a rabbi was having a discussion on FB with some folks about Jewish law regarding something specific. The question of sex came up in the context. His response started out with " In the eyes of Jewish law conjugal pleasure is synonymous with marriage..."
First I cried. Then I laughed. I don't even have a marriage! I have a brother, a roommate, a business partner. I knew this already but sometimes it hits anew.
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Post by workingonit on Jul 25, 2018 9:08:11 GMT -5
So well put. My MIL used to have a living room no one could go in and a chair no one could sit on. That is so far from my personality or world view. Drive the damn car. Nice zamBONEi See jokes always fit If you ever need a place to sit, just let me know.
😘 Some of those "benefits" huh?
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Post by wewbwb on Jul 25, 2018 9:21:48 GMT -5
If you ever need a place to sit, just let me know.
😘 Some of those "benefits" huh? As long as I have a face, you have a place to sit.
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Post by csl on Jul 25, 2018 10:06:14 GMT -5
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Post by baza on Jul 25, 2018 19:42:00 GMT -5
Got another one for you. This was about 5 years ago.
Our dog, not the sharpest tool in the shed, suddenly became very twitchy and restless. To the highly annoying stage. Barking, running about in an agitated state and altogether irritating. "Will you shut that effen dog up !!" says Ms enna (who was trying to study) at the time. But the dog would not be mollified. Then, a bit later, the earthquake hit. It was not a big deal, the epicentre was some miles away, and the little bit of shaking was nothing real dramatic.
So the problem as we saw it at the time was the dog being neurotic. And that was not the problem at all.
Like the canary giving the miners a heads up that something is badly amiss in the mine. Like the oil pressure gauge is giving you a heads up that something is badly amiss in the engine. Like the paucity of sex in an ILIASM shithole is giving you a heads up that something is badly amiss in the marriage.
Now one might consider in these cases that the problem is - - a dud canary - a dud oil pressure gauge - a dud dog And whereas these examples are most definitely visible symptoms, they are not the diagnosis, they are not the problem.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 25, 2018 20:01:32 GMT -5
Like when you sit on a wet toilet seat in the middle of the night and you realize something was badly amiss!
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Post by Dan on Aug 7, 2018 7:20:22 GMT -5
I will add another analogy: Sex is the oil that helps keep the marriage engine running. As long as the oil is there, along with basic maintenance, the engine should purr along. If it runs low, the engine may require some additional maintenance along with replenishing the oil, and things can get back to normal. But when the engine runs on little to no oil for too long, it gets irreparably damaged. And all the oil in the world can no longer fix it. Here's another one for you: marital sex is the meniscus. See " The Anatomy of a Sexless Marriage"
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Post by isthisit on Oct 14, 2020 13:38:27 GMT -5
Resurrecting this for the new kids... Well done itme this thread is a classic. I remember that it was one of the first I read as a lurker and it had a very powerful effect on me. It prompted the moment that I realised my problem was not purely about sexlessness but much, much more. It isn’t too much of an exaggeration to say that it was the beginning of the end of my marriage. Today it seems wholly ridiculous that I couldn’t see how dire my marriage was and that I was distracted by the sexlessness. But I really did not. I believed the illusion I constructed for myself, and this thread about a canary punched a hole right through it.
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Post by Chatter Fox on Oct 14, 2020 18:57:28 GMT -5
The problem most certainly CAN be the canary. It's not ALWAYS a problem with the relationship. If you marry someone with a history of sexual abuse they may simply be incapable of a sexual relationship. In that case, the dead canary may have absolutely nothing to do with the environment. Someone killed the canary before the relationship began. The canary was dead before anyone entered the mine.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 15, 2020 0:29:26 GMT -5
The problem most certainly CAN be the canary. It's not ALWAYS a problem with the relationship. If you marry someone with a history of sexual abuse they may simply be incapable of a sexual relationship. In that case, the dead canary may have absolutely nothing to do with the environment. Someone killed the canary before the relationship began. The canary was dead before anyone entered the mine. I will never know for sure, but I suspect CSA might be the reason my wife had no interest in sex. The problem goes deeper than that. If she had been honest about why sex wasn't happening, that would be a loving way of dealing with the problem. We could have gotten her the therapy she needed and, if it all worked for her, great, and if not, I could have decided how to proceed from there. That honest conversation never happened, though. I never got a reason. I got excuses. Reasons have solutions. Excuses don't. It's the difference between love, and control.
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 15, 2020 5:49:44 GMT -5
The problem most certainly CAN be the canary. It's not ALWAYS a problem with the relationship. If you marry someone with a history of sexual abuse they may simply be incapable of a sexual relationship. In that case, the dead canary may have absolutely nothing to do with the environment. Someone killed the canary before the relationship began. The canary was dead before anyone entered the mine. As we know, some miners tell their partner the canary doesn't matter. You can mine exactly the way you would with a live one. The arguments about the importance of taking a canary with you when it doesn't actually produce much of value may make you miserable once you're in the mine with the dead canary, where you otherwise might have been blasé about the possibility of death because...you're a badass coalminer. Or...you get a live canary and go down in the mine and the canary dies moments later. You keep bringing canaries down, but the canaries keep dying. Your partner keeps saying the damn canary doesn't produce a single lump of coal and just get on with the work. Ignore it. Some miners go into the mine with their partner with the dead canary, knowing what might happen and not care. You did sign that contract with the lifetime non-compete clause so you can't mine anywhere else without a massive payout from breaking it. You'd also lose your seniority. But the headaches and nausea of the carbon monoxide poisoning before the end sure make it a slow unhappy way to go. Maybe your partner dies before you do and you can get out alive and try out a different shaft.
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