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Post by shamwow on Jul 17, 2018 7:28:34 GMT -5
Bill Gates has all the same problems as normal folks with the exception of money. I’d bet that he also has some problems because of his money that us “regular” people don’t have... Think about the best times you've had with your kids. Were they times that only a billionaire could afford? Iny case they didn't cost a dime.
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Post by ted on Jul 17, 2018 8:54:22 GMT -5
Thank you for the feedback, everyone. You all make great points. In practice, I'm not as dark and depressed about it as this post made it sound. I understand there are uncountable ways life won't be perfect. There are a great many good things in my life. For them I'm thankful, and I will live facing forward, enjoying and making the best of them. Thanks, friends.
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Post by timeforliving2 on Jul 19, 2018 22:34:58 GMT -5
Ted - Lots of good feedback in this chain as is usually the case. My two cents:
Let go of your idea of perfect. A "perfect" life is just a fantasy. You may be seeing a 1-minute snippet of someone else's life at times but you really have no idea about the rest of it. *Everybody* gets angry / loses their temper at times. Heck, if you want to throw the Christian theme back into the spotlight, even JC flipped over tables in a temple and yelled at people!
Wherever you are at in life, just focus on making things just a little bit better each day. That's all you can do. Focus on being / becoming a better "you" (exercising, other positive habits/routines, etc.). That's even more important than being a better dad IMHO. If you focus just on being a better dad, you could easily ignore yourself / your own needs in the process. However, as you start a new chapter in life, if you first focus on yourself / as you become a better you, it will naturally carry over to being a better dad as well. That's a win/win situation.
TL2
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Post by heartbrokengirl on Aug 7, 2018 19:41:50 GMT -5
Thank you for the feedback, everyone. You all make great points. In practice, I'm not as dark and depressed about it as this post made it sound. I understand there are uncountable ways life won't be perfect. There are a great many good things in my life. For them I'm thankful, and I will live facing forward, enjoying and making the best of them. Thanks, friends. Life is beautiful because it's imperfect, not because it's not. Don't you think, ted? Isn't it amazing that some lovely human beings are the outcome of what would have otherwise been a complete disappointment in your life? God or the universe or whoever, saw to it that those years wouldn't be totally without purpose. Two wrongs can make a right.
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Post by elkclan2 on Aug 8, 2018 3:01:34 GMT -5
ted you have no idea what other people's stories are. Last weekend I was at the pool with my partner and my kid. We were playing in the pool, working together to stand on one of those foam floats (not easy!) which meant we had to sandwich my son in between us. I doubt anyone would have looked at us and said "Oh, that's two losers with failed marriages behind them and a poor step kid." They'd have said "There's a family having fun who are loving and affectionate to each other." When we take all three boys out in public - we get lots of sympathetic smiles - not because they think "Oh, those poor people, failed marriages, stepkids..." No, they're thinking "Look at that family with three rowdy boys - all fighting to sit next to each other on the Underground." They don't know it's not my bio son sitting next to me with his head on my shoulder. They don't know it's not my partner's bio son who is playing phone scrabble with them. All they know is we have a handful.
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Post by h on Aug 9, 2018 6:00:09 GMT -5
I try not to dwell on it and redirect my thoughts as much as I can but sometimes I feel something similar. My friends, my W's friends, my sister, everyone around me is starting families and having children. On those bad days when I can't focus on something else, I get this overwhelming sense of loss as if that chance is passing me by. My W is actually trying to change but sex is still very infrequent. She is making progress, but by the time she figures out how to make a sex life work, we'll be too old to have children. I'm not even sure if she is capable of having children due to other health issues but with us having so little sex, it's difficult to rule out the obvious reason and move forward. Why go through medical testing to fix a problem that may not exist without ruling out the simple and straightforward cause of our childlessness first?
I know she desperately wants to be a mother but without a decent sex life, I doubt my ability to be even a mediocre father so I refuse to consider adoption until our sex life is acceptable. It's a difficult decision and I know that it means I will likely never have children. I know that there will come a time when we won't have the energy to handle an infant and at that point, if we don't already have children, it won't happen. I try to fill my mind with other things and avoid thinking about that possibility but every once in a while I can't push it back and I just feel so sad and lonely knowing that I'll never get to have that experience and also, the thought that there will be nobody to come visit me in my old age.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 9, 2018 6:18:00 GMT -5
“the thought that there will be nobody to come visit me in my old age.”
Having kids is no guarantee of having visitors In old age. I have friends whose kids all died before age 40. I have friends who are their kids’ caretakers. I have friends whose kids became permanently estranged due to drugs, narcissism (on the kids’ part) or other problems. If you want visitors in old age, develop strong friendships now including by mentoring and becoming friends with much younger people. Become an active, cherished member of your community.
While you say your wife desperately wants kids I wonder if her sexual refusals reflect her desperately not wanting kids but not being honest with herself about that. There is a lot of societal pressure on women to become mothers. A lot of people here became parents with spouses who dislike led sex but managed to do it enough to have children. In many cases here, the refuser shut down sex permanently after a pregnancy was achieved. That seems to be what sexually averse people do who want biological kids.
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Post by h on Aug 9, 2018 7:03:43 GMT -5
“the thought that there will be nobody to come visit me in my old age.” Having kids is no guarantee of having visitors In old age. I have friends whose kids all died before age 40. I have friends who are their kids’ caretakers. I have friends whose kids became permanently estranged due to drugs, narcissism (on the kids’ part) or other problems. If you want visitors in old age, develop strong friendships now including by mentoring and becoming friends with much younger people. Become an active, cherished member of your community. While you say your wife desperately wants kids I wonder if her sexual refusals reflect her desperately not wanting kids but not being honest with herself about that. There is a lot of societal pressure on women to become mothers. A lot of people here became parents with spouses who dislike led sex but managed to do it enough to have children. In many cases here, the refuser shut down sex permanently after a pregnancy was achieved. That seems to be what sexually averse people do who want biological kids. Every time one of our friends gets pregnant, it hits her hard. It's not societal pressure. I understand that may be the case with some people but not with her. Her sexual issues aren't due to not wanting children. I know that it hurts her to see all her friends having families also, but she never made the connection with our limited sex life, because all her friends got pregnant easily after only one or two instances of unprotected sex. She thinks there's something wrong with her because she didn't get instantly pregnant when we quit using condoms (the ones we got as wedding presents expired and we just didn't bother buying more). She had never heard of people who have to actually TRY to get pregnant with prolonged consistent sex.
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Post by baza on Aug 9, 2018 7:28:52 GMT -5
Are you taking personal responsibility for birth control in your deal h ? A pregnancy - however fanciful the idea might seem, it could happen - would throw a huge spanner in the works.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 9, 2018 7:35:55 GMT -5
Your wife sounds virtually impossibly naive and literally ignorant about sex. While I do not think you should try to get her pregnant until you straighten out your marriage (if that’s possible), it does seem your wife could benefit from information about sex.[ And if you aren’t sure you want to stay married unless you have a robust sex life, use birth control under your control. I know plenty of people who have had pregnancies result despite health problems, being even in their 40s and having infrequent sex. If, however, you want kids even if your marriage is shaky then I don’t understand how you haven’t made it clear to your wife that infrequent sex reduces may make parenthood impossible for you two..[ How can this be true: “She had never heard of people who have to actually TRY to get pregnant with prolonged consistent sex.”. Does she not read or watch tv? Even if she only keeps up with celebrities l, there are plenty who have problems blocky discussed this problem. Anyway, here’s info to talk about with her. br] br] “HOW TO MAXIMIZE YOUR CHANCE OF GETTING PREGNANT: So how do you put these statistics to work? The key to maximizing your chances of getting pregnant each month is to find your fertile window. Having sperm waiting around to greet your egg increases your chance of getting pregnant. Aim to have intercourse every day (or every other day), starting two to four days before you expect to ovulate and then the day of ovulation. ..... Age is a factor in how long it may take you to get pregnant and also a factor in how long you should try before you seek out professional help. As you get older, it is harder to get pregnant and harder to stay pregnant, that is, the risk of miscarriage increases. If you are 35 or older, that does not mean you won’t get pregnant, it just means you may need to be more patient with the process. If you are 35 or older you should try for 6 months before seeking fertile assistance and for up to a year if you are under 35 years of age. Here is your likelihood in a year or within 4 years (source): 30 years: 75% in 1 year, 91% within 4 years 35 years: 66% in 1 year, 84% within 4 years 40 years: 44% in 1 year, 64% within 4 years The takeaway from these statistics are to show you how important it is to have sex during your fertile window and also give some indication of how long it may take you to get pregnant.“ priyaring.com/blog/the-statistics-behind-getting-pregnant/ovulation/fertile-window/age-and-pregnancy/chance-of-conceptionInfo on sex frequency. From an ABC news poll: “Among those currently in a sexual relationship, 85 percent have sex about once a week or more, including 41 percent several times weekly and eight percent have sex daily. And people like it: Eighty-four percent of all women and 95 percent of men enjoy sex, although, as noted, men are much (24 points) more apt to enjoy it "a great deal." abcnews.go.com/Primetime/PollVault/story?id=156921&page=1If you want to show her sex frequency by age, you can google to find Kinsey institute research from about 2010.
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Post by h on Aug 9, 2018 8:25:48 GMT -5
northstarmom I have told her these things but coming from me, it doesn't have the same impact. As for not hearing about people who have to TRY, she doesn't follow celebrities and most of what happens on TV isn't real so why would anyone base decisions on that? She's drawing from the experience of the people she personally knows. I've showed her stats on optimal sex frequency for conception and she ignores it because it doesn't fit with her experiences. You can't reason facts with someone in denial. It's like arguing environmentalism with a climate change denier or economics with a communist. I do know that things are slowly and steadily improving in our marriage and our sex life, but I don't know if it will ever be acceptable to me. Time will tell whether or not she hits a plateau and stops progressing before my minimum needs are met. Anyway, I wasn't posting this here to hijack the thread ted started or get advise for myself. I've already researched and spoken to her about almost everything you brought up. I just wanted to offer him some sympathy and understanding that seeing other families with children hurts me too.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 9, 2018 8:50:12 GMT -5
H, did you show her the articles and research? If you did, and she doesn’t believe them, she seems extremely closed minded. Her reason for avoiding sex makes little sense to me. You say she told you she developed an aversion after the first guy she was intimate with broke up with her. Most first sexually intimate relationships end. That doesn’t keep most people from wanting and enjoying sex years later.
As for her refusing to believe that sex frequency affects fertility, at her age (early to mid 30s) that seems willfully stupid.
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Post by h on Aug 9, 2018 13:30:03 GMT -5
H, did you show her the articles and research? If you did, and she doesn’t believe them, she seems extremely close minded. Her reason for avoiding sex makes little sense to me. You say she told you she developed an aversion after the first guy she was intimate with broke up with her. Most first sexually intimate relationships end. That doesn’t keep most people from wanting and enjoying sex years later. As for her refusing to believe that sex frequency affects fertility, at her age (early to mid 30s) that seems willfully stupid. Knowing something is true and believing in it enough to act are often two different things. As I have said in other threads, she's had a long history of sexual problems and avoidance. Add to that, the legitimate and serious health issues she has been through and it explains why she has been so stunted in developing her sexual self. I think it was workingonit that said it was like sexual immaturity because so much of her youth was put on hold while she was dealing with her health. I had never considered it before but she didn't have the chance when she was younger to figure herself out and know what she wants from a relationship or how to articulate it. In the first years of our relationship of dating, she was consumed with staying alive. She didn't get to start the process of getting to know herself as an individual until after her health was taken care of and then we got married. In hindsight, we shouldn't have gotten married but she is willing to work on it with me and I'm willing to let her. She's genuinely trying to change and grow our marriage into something more, but changing lifelong habits is hard for anyone. Progress is continuing but slowly, and most likely, slower than necessary if we're ever going to have a family. I've accepted that as a real possibility. It's just hard to think about sometimes.
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Post by elkclan2 on Aug 10, 2018 7:19:41 GMT -5
h northstarmom my ex wanted to see a fertility specialist because we had no kids - I knew the reason why so I was completely against the idea. I told him while I couldn't 100% know why we were childless - that there might be some organic reason I didn't know about - any good fertility specialist worth their salt wouldn't do invasive treatments based on the amount of sex we were having - when I told him that we basically weren't having enough sex to reproduce he actually seemed shocked. And this is a smart guy with a PhD. I told him there was no way I'd go to a doctor asking for a fertility investigation with the amount of sex we were having. Anyway, I got pregnant on a re-set. <sigh>.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 10, 2018 7:45:14 GMT -5
One of my former college roommates is a fertility doctor and administrator at a medical school. She told me that a couple asked for Ivf treatment. When my friend asked about their intercourse frequency, they said they didn’t have sex. She didn’t ask them why. She just did the things to provide them with Ivf.
My friend is no prude. She lost her virginity a month into college and had multiple partners while in college. She even had an affair during her first marriage. However, it seems that since the couple came to her to get pregnant via Ivf, not for sex therapy, she saw no reason to inquire about their sm.
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