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Post by flashjohn on Jul 17, 2018 15:36:01 GMT -5
I don't know -- I watch porn regularly but still desire my wife. Last night I put my hand on her thigh while sitting next to her on the couch watching tv. We were both fully clothed and our middle son was there -- I didn't mean anything suggestive by it. She took the opportunity to say, "after you get money" (by which, she means more money) anyway. I've lost about 4 kg (8.8 lbs) at this point; it's a good thing I'm not expecting anything. My friend, please ask yourself this question, "WHY AM I ALLOWING HER TO TREAT ME THIS WAY?"
I think you will find there is no valid answer.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 17, 2018 16:17:11 GMT -5
Please read No More Mr Nice Guy. Free internet download. It was written just for you and you will know that before you are 10 pages in.
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kittymox
Junior Member
Just a dandelion
Posts: 32
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by kittymox on Jul 17, 2018 22:25:29 GMT -5
When I'm attracted to someone, like really, truly, deep down attracted, they could be old, overweight, broke and dressed in a garbage bag and I'd still think they're hot as hell and want to jump them. Superficial stuff like weight and wages don't matter when the attraction is real. They are beautiful because you love and want them, not the other way around. Anyway, she's yanking your chain. Nothing you do will make her see you as desirable. She'll just keep moving the goal post. I've beaten myself up in this situation.
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Post by nyctos on Jul 18, 2018 5:10:59 GMT -5
Please read No More Mr Nice Guy. Free internet download. It was written just for you and you will know that before you are 10 pages in. Okay..I think I'm going to have to start with this. I don't feel rest to refute the really radical steps yet.
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Post by WindSister on Jul 18, 2018 6:49:21 GMT -5
You should mind the porn, especially when you are more than willing to meet her desires. Porn has/and will fill her mind with nothing but images of 25 yr old males who spend 6 days a week working out, ( the fantasy 2% of men) even when she is with you , that is where her mind is. Who wants that? She doesn't love you, she loves having you (and your wallet) around. I don't know -- I watch porn regularly but still desire my wife. Last night I put my hand on her thigh while sitting next to her on the couch watching tv. We were both fully clothed and our middle son was there -- I didn't mean anything suggestive by it. She took the opportunity to say, "after you get money" (by which, she means more money) anyway. I've lost about 4 kg (8.8 lbs) at this point; it's a good thing I'm not expecting anything. Is this for real?!?! You aren't a troll trying to illicit reactions? This really happened? And at best, you are only complaining about it, but not pissed off?? Worse than that, a part of you thinks if you DO make more money, she might put out? Why do you think this is ok? Why do you put up with being treated this way? That's not love. At all. Your wife has MAJOR issues and needs counseling to figure out why she's such a terrible person. But I wouldn't wait around for her to improve, I'd get the hell out while I still had a life to live myself. I was at a yard sale a few weeks ago. The wife was talking so horribly to the husband. "He doesn't want to sell those boots because he thinks he'll wear them again. Yeah, right, with that gut, he can't bend over to even attempt to put them on." I was like, "What?!?!?" I mean, holy shit! And he just sat there with this blank look on his face. I don't get it. I don't get why anyone stays in shit show relationships like that. I'd rather be single. My new husband and I lift each other up -in front of others and behind closed doors. You'll never hear either of us say some lame ass joke about the other. I'll never complain about "the old man" and he'll never call me a "ball and chain." If he ever put me down, I wouldn't stay and I know this about myself. I just don't "get" how others put up with abuse. That's not a happy relationship. Nor healthy. It is toxic and damaging to the spirit. Will you continue to accept that kind of treatment and also think you deserve it?
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Post by nyctos on Jul 20, 2018 7:24:35 GMT -5
I don't know -- I watch porn regularly but still desire my wife. Last night I put my hand on her thigh while sitting next to her on the couch watching tv. We were both fully clothed and our middle son was there -- I didn't mean anything suggestive by it. She took the opportunity to say, "after you get money" (by which, she means more money) anyway. I've lost about 4 kg (8.8 lbs) at this point; it's a good thing I'm not expecting anything. Is this for real?!?! You aren't a troll trying to illicit reactions? This really happened? And at best, you are only complaining about it, but not pissed off?? Worse than that, a part of you thinks if you DO make more money, she might put out? Why do you think this is ok? Why do you put up with being treated this way? That's not love. At all. Your wife has MAJOR issues and needs counseling to figure out why she's such a terrible person. But I wouldn't wait around for her to improve, I'd get the hell out while I still had a life to live myself. I was at a yard sale a few weeks ago. The wife was talking so horribly to the husband. "He doesn't want to sell those boots because he thinks he'll wear them again. Yeah, right, with that gut, he can't bend over to even attempt to put them on." I was like, "What?!?!?" I mean, holy shit! And he just sat there with this blank look on his face. I don't get it. I don't get why anyone stays in shit show relationships like that. I'd rather be single. My new husband and I lift each other up -in front of others and behind closed doors. You'll never hear either of us say some lame ass joke about the other. I'll never complain about "the old man" and he'll never call me a "ball and chain." If he ever put me down, I wouldn't stay and I know this about myself. I just don't "get" how others put up with abuse. That's not a happy relationship. Nor healthy. It is toxic and damaging to the spirit. Will you continue to accept that kind of treatment and also think you deserve it? In not a troll, and yes this really happened. I think she may have thought it was a nice thing to say at the time, a sort out reiteration of a promise. If anyone wants I'll talk to you over the phone or email if it will help alleviate fears of me being a troll. Kids are the biggest reason, but maybe there's a part of me that still wants a relationship with her.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 20, 2018 7:38:05 GMT -5
“Kids are the biggest reason, but maybe there's a part of me that still wants a relationship with her.”
Individual therapy could help you develop the self confidence and self respect to let go of any thoughts of a romantic relationship with a woman who obviously does not feel love, respect or lust for you.
You do not have to remain married to her to be a good and involved dad to your kids.
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Post by ironhamster on Jul 20, 2018 11:59:36 GMT -5
Are the kids really in the best environment they could be in? Is it healthy for them to be raised by a woman with as few stresses as she has yelling abusively at whoever causes the slightest issue?
If you are going to see this through for the kids, decide now that you are going to model the kind of person you want them to become, and stand up to that crap.
What do you have to lose?
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Post by beachguy on Jul 20, 2018 12:41:28 GMT -5
"Kids are the biggest reason, but maybe there's a part of me that still wants a relationship with her."
Your wife blatantly prostituted herself to you while your son was sitting right next to her. I assume your son heard that, and he also watched you take that kick in the balls, and your wife get away with it without any repercussions.
One of two things will happen. He may grow up, seeing you and his mother for what they are, and disrespecting you for it. Or he may accept what he saw as normal married life, and he will find his own gold digging prostitute for himself. And put up with it just like you demonstrated to him.
I'm not sure which is worse for you, but the former is far better for him.
If it had been me, I would have turned to her and said "no, that's not what I wanted. If I wanted a prostitute I can easily find a far better one". And stood up and walked out of the room while her jaw was still dropping.
I may be accused of "unnecessarily hurting her", or some such psycho babble, but it was she that chose to make a bid (or non bid) for prostitution services right in front of her son. There's no easy answer for a child in that environment but personally I would err on the side of showing my son how to show some backbone if he is ever faced with that (which he will because he'll most likely find a gold digger just like mom).
ETA:
"I think she may have thought it was a nice thing to say at the time, a sort out reiteration of a promise."
This is truly hopeless...
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 20, 2018 12:47:44 GMT -5
“If it had been me, I would have turned to her and said "no, that's not what I wanted. If I wanted a prostitute I can easily find a far better one". And stood up and walked out of the room while her jaw was still dropping.”
This. And then checked the internet for excellent local divorce lawyers.
I don’t understand why the op is asking, “Should I believe her?” instead of, “how can I divorce her and gain custody of our kids?”
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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 21, 2018 5:30:00 GMT -5
What really blows my mind about this whole situation is that SHE is the one who decided to take a pay cut in the first place. Now it’s apparently up to you nyctos to make up the difference? And she will be intentionally withholding sex from you until you do so according to her demands? That is all kinds of fucked up.
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Post by solodriver on Jul 21, 2018 12:04:03 GMT -5
What really blows my mind about this whole situation is that SHE is the one who decided to take a pay cut in the first place. Now it’s apparently up to you nyctos to make up the difference? And she will be intentionally withholding sex from you until you do so according to her demands? That is all kinds of fucked up. I think it's the refuser's idea of sex - "fucking us over".
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Post by solodriver on Sept 15, 2018 13:22:30 GMT -5
Sorry for another reply to this so long after everyone else. I'm a little slow to process. 😁 I realized that what's bugging me about this situation is bigger than sex for weight loss and the prostitution angle. I don't think I want to be making deals with my sweetie for anything. Yes to "Ok we both want to get snuggling faster, I'll take out the garbage and you throw the dirty dishes in the sink?" No to "If you started driving me to work everyday, I'd start cooking for you." Maybe I'm too romantic but I want to do things for sweetie because I'm crazy about her, not because we struck a deal. Maybe I'm not being very practical or pragmatic. I guess deals like this get struck all the time? Better than covert contracts I guess. Sorry, just thinking out loud. I agree. In a loving relationship I do things because I want to.
Looking back, my refuser started playing that game years ago. I call it the If You Do This, I Will. . . game. except in her game, every time it was her turn to play, there was ALWAYS an excuse why she couldn't. And I always got the "I'll give you a rain check", which of course was never honored.
That crap is beyond disappointing, it's very painful.
I quit playing it a few years back. At first she got mad. I told her why and she got silent about it after that.
Game over.
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Jan 18, 2019 0:34:04 GMT -5
Today its lose 2kg and i will shag you, when the 2kg are lost it will be i was going to shag you but you left the toilet seat up, or you failed to mow the lawn or you looked at me funny during dinner. With Refusers on here and the old EP Board the goal posts of excuses keep being moved. I myself have personally experienced similiar issues.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jan 25, 2019 15:27:36 GMT -5
What ended up happening with this nyctos ?
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