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Post by JMX on May 29, 2018 21:53:18 GMT -5
@lonelywife - I only hope you realize it’s not you. So hard, lovie. I get it.
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Post by ihadalove on May 29, 2018 22:04:59 GMT -5
This was hard to read, made me angry! Stay strong, and stick to your plans.
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Post by northstarmom on May 29, 2018 22:50:04 GMT -5
Lonelywifey, I have empathy for you and also have admiration for you because due to your having the courage to post here, you are getting support and advice that can help you figure out how to meet the challenge of your sm faster than I did.
About 9 years ago, my husband walked into our bedroom as I was changing clothes. When he saw me naked, he said, “Excuse me,” and exited as if we were mere roommates. We had then been completely sexless for about 5 years. The Talk and marital counseling had not sparked a renewal of our sex life. Indeed, when I would move closer to me sleeping husband he would move so far from me that he’d almost fall off the bed.
After he excused himself after encountering me changing clothes, I started sleeping on the sofa. After a year of that, I moved into a bedroom vacated by one of our grown sons. My husband never commented about my absence from our bed.
Finally, I told him I wanted a divorce. He didn’t protest. A week later, he told me he had been paying child support for a 2 year old he thought he had fathered in Asia where he worked summers. He was 62. I was 60. We had been married 33 years.
A year later, I was divorced and even though I never had expected to find love or even sex again, I was in a sexy romance with a man I’d known for years but had never considered as a potential lover. He is the love of my life. We have now been together 5 years.
I hope that at your much younger age and with the support of this group you can learn what took me years to learn: you can’t make someone love you the way you want. A spouse may love you but not be capable of giving you the kind of love you want and need. This doesn’t mean something is wrong with either of you. It means you are incompatible as marital partners. Clinging to them may keep you from finding the kind of love you desire. Staying in a marriage that is barren of the kind of love that nourishes you may be lonelier than being single.
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Post by choosinghappy on May 30, 2018 0:28:23 GMT -5
I am both sad for you and wanting to wish you congratulations. Though it came through hurt achieving 100% clarity is a gift and it is coming at exactly the right time. You are brilliant and funny and compassionate and passionate. You are ready to honor yourself. Read about this experience again if the struggles ahead make you waiver. You KNOW your truth. And the struggles have already made me waiver! Even after JUST writing this earlier. Well, perhaps waiver is not the correct word but I *am* questioning if I can do this on my own after a very tough day and night with my kiddo, healthwise. It’s times like these that make me concerned that my son NEEDS two parents there. (He has special needs for those who may not know.) This has been my biggest concern with leaving my H: will things be ok for my son if he only has me? Sigh. I don’t know the right answer. Bad nights like these happen approximately 1-2 times a month depending on whether he’s healthy or sick. When he’s sick, I can end up going days without getting really any sleep at all, while caring for him. It’s those days that I NEED H there to help care for ME. I don’t know if I can do this on my own. With all of H’s work travel I’ve honestly gotten lucky that often these bad times fall on days when he is here and not on be other side of the country or world. But when I’m alone... whew, it’s rough. However, it makes me think of a quote: “on particularly hard days when I think I can’t endure, I remember that my track record for getting through bad days is 100%, and that’s pretty good.” God knows I’ve had more experience acting as a “single mom” than the average person who gets divorced. Hopefully this will help me. And during the bad days, I’ll endure. Leaving my H will make the bad days worse but the good days even better (for ME anyway, and in the long run, for my son too because he’ll have a happier, stronger, more balanced mother). Here’s hoping.
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Post by choosinghappy on May 30, 2018 0:34:15 GMT -5
northstarmom I actually thought of you as I remembered that story about your H walking in on you and saying “excuse me”. It’s quite possible that would be my H’s reaction too. That’s not the kind of marriage I want.
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Post by DryCreek on May 30, 2018 0:39:00 GMT -5
God knows I’ve had more experience acting as a “single mom” than the average person who gets divorced. Hopefully this will help me. And during the bad days, I’ll endure May I suggest... you already have a pretty valid need to expand your support network to include people and resources to back you up when H is not there, including financial resources you might not have tapped yet (and would probably qualify for more easily if you were the sole breadwinner). It's already a necessity, so get it in place now. Then, when you're permanently solo you can just turn the dial up, instead of doing fresh research while tackling newly-single-motherhood.
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Post by choosinghappy on May 30, 2018 0:52:17 GMT -5
God knows I’ve had more experience acting as a “single mom” than the average person who gets divorced. Hopefully this will help me. And during the bad days, I’ll endure May I suggest... you already have a pretty valid need to expand your support network to include people and resources to back you up when H is not there, including financial resources you might not have tapped yet (and would probably qualify for more easily if you were the sole breadwinner). It's already a necessity, so get it in place now. Then, when you're permanently solo you can just turn the dial up, instead of doing fresh research while tackling newly-single-motherhood. DryCreek: Maybe I’m slow or maybe my brain is just running on empty at the moment since it’s almost 2am here, but can you give me some concrete examples of what you mean? My two immediate thoughts are: 1. When H and I separate I plan to move one state over to the town where one of my sisters lives with her family. They will be able to help me in any case of emergency and it will just be nicer to be near them too and get together often. 2. Maybe I could look into a “night nurse” type situation - someone who’s on call if I need help (especially in the middle of the night or if tough times go on for days because kiddo is sick and I end up sick too.) Other ideas?
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Post by choosinghappy on May 30, 2018 1:09:46 GMT -5
Unfortunately, my biggest source of help in any “emergencies” like when H is gone and both my son and I are sick so I really need some help (staying with him while I nap, cooking meals, helping with dishes, cleaning) has been my mother in law. She’s who I call when I really need help and she drops everything, takes days off of work and comes. I know she will always be there for her grandson but I realize that by divorcing her son, I can’t really ask her to continue to be there for ME when I need it. I’m sad about how that relationship may change. I am honestly closer with my MIL than with my own mother so that was also a major factor to weigh into my decision to leave.
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Post by DryCreek on May 30, 2018 1:28:34 GMT -5
choosinghappy, I'll admit to oversimplifying and being very vague as an outsider to such challenges, but... You've mentioned your son has special needs. Friends with autistic kids, Down Syndrome, etc. seem to rally together in a community of common interest / challenges. They share info, support each other, and also know about local resources that may offer social or even financial support. This is mostly what I had in mind. Expanding your support network beyond blood relatives. And more than an emergency backstop, finding ways to get mental breaks too (and perhaps some adult conversation). Certainly, an on-call nurse would be a good number to have for last-ditch as well. Hopefully this is a little more concrete and useful...
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Post by solodriver on May 30, 2018 3:29:49 GMT -5
I haven't felt really HURT due to my H's rejection for a long time now. Until yesterday. My wife ignores me every time she sees me naked. It is another example of sexual rejection and emotional abuse.
Years ago I tried to get in the shower with my wife and she pushed me away and yelled at me to get out. I've never tried again and never will with her.
The pain that those events caused was incredible but it forced me to realize I don't have a wife, I have a roommate and now she is treated as such.
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Post by choosinghappy on May 30, 2018 5:19:45 GMT -5
choosinghappy, I'll admit to oversimplifying and being very vague as an outsider to such challenges, but... You've mentioned your son has special needs. Friends with autistic kids, Down Syndrome, etc. seem to rally together in a community of common interest / challenges. They share info, support each other, and also know about local resources that may offer social or even financial support. This is mostly what I had in mind. Expanding your support network beyond blood relatives. And more than an emergency backstop, finding ways to get mental breaks too (and perhaps some adult conversation). Certainly, an on-call nurse would be a good number to have for last-ditch as well. Hopefully this is a little more concrete and useful... Ah ok thank you DryCreek. Yes, I do already have a great support network/community in place regarding my son’s disability. It is pretty rare unfortunately so friends aren’t as close as I wish they could be but we do see each other multiple times a year and connect via internet almost daily. And I also have a good group of my local girlfriends who know what I’m going through and would help whenever I asked for it. ( One of my biggest flaws is being reluctant to ask others for help.) Unfortunately everyone is about 45 mins away so that’s why I intend to move closer to some family so I have someone there if I need help quick. As for adult interaction, my son is in daycare a couple days a week so I use that time to get out of the house. Sometimes I volunteer or get together with friends. I’m definitely working on it. (Is it that obvious the bulk of my time is spent talking with a three year old? 😆)
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2018 5:28:29 GMT -5
(Is it that obvious the bulk of my time is spent talking with a three year old? 😆) It is important to note that he is an incredibly adorable three year old.
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Post by choosinghappy on May 30, 2018 5:54:50 GMT -5
It is important to note that he is an incredibly adorable three year old. Well yes, that’s true 😁
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Post by pollyp on May 30, 2018 5:54:58 GMT -5
I feel your pain ,its a horrible situation that takes your self confidence and leaves you feeling so unattractive and undesirable. I have been in similar situations many times. I cannot understand it at all and find this lack of interest in sex intolerable. yet I still love my husband ,we have been together many years most of them with a good active sex life. I truly believe my husband is scared of sex now. I found out 4 years ago he was having an affair with a much younger colleague, we had stopped having sex during his fling and I thought he was stressed. We resolved our difficulties ,he told me he had always loved me ,would never have left me. After his affair ended we resumed a good sex life for a brief few weeks then he stopped telling me he had lost ALL interest in sex. I was gutted am still struggling he hides from any contact, he has never touched me intimately since. I have made advances and know he can get stiff but doesn't want to use it . sadness doesn't cover it, I hope you will get back to happy lonleywifey, the pain of not understanding is unbearable good luck
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Post by elynne on May 30, 2018 6:42:57 GMT -5
choosinghappy, I'll admit to oversimplifying and being very vague as an outsider to such challenges, but... You've mentioned your son has special needs. Friends with autistic kids, Down Syndrome, etc. seem to rally together in a community of common interest / challenges. They share info, support each other, and also know about local resources that may offer social or even financial support. This is mostly what I had in mind. Expanding your support network beyond blood relatives. And more than an emergency backstop, finding ways to get mental breaks too (and perhaps some adult conversation). Certainly, an on-call nurse would be a good number to have for last-ditch as well. Hopefully this is a little more concrete and useful... Ah ok thank you DryCreek. Yes, I do already have a great support network/community in place regarding my son’s disability. It is pretty rare unfortunately so friends aren’t as close as I wish they could be but we do see each other multiple times a year and connect via internet almost daily. And I also have a good group of my local girlfriends who know what I’m going through and would help whenever I asked for it. ( One of my biggest flaws is being reluctant to ask others for help.) Unfortunately everyone is about 45 mins away so that’s why I intend to move closer to some family so I have someone there if I need help quick. As for adult interaction, my son is in daycare a couple days a week so I use that time to get out of the house. Sometimes I volunteer or get together with friends. I’m definitely working on it. (Is it that obvious the bulk of my time is spent talking with a three year old? 😆) Can I ask about your son’s disability? Is he on the autism spectrum or another disorder? My older sister has Conelia de Lange syndrome. It’s a bit like Downs in that there is a crossing in the chromosomes - but in a different spot, so different characteristics. It was pretty tough for my mom to handle. My Dad does better with it, but it is a difficult path having a child who will always rely on additional help. Certain areas of the US have fairly decent programs, counselors and support for both the parents and the person with the disability. Interestingly, the Jewish Foundation has great programs and one needn’t be Jewish to take advantage of their support system and counselors.
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