I dunno whether this might help Sister lonelycat , but I'll offer it up.
There have been two polls in the group that are worth a look.
The first poll was directed at members who had been out of their ILIASM deal for at least 12 months.
The other poll was directed at members who had been in their ILIASM deal for at least 12 months.
The same question was put to each group - "are you happier now than you were 12 months ago ?"
In the group that had stayed in their ILIASM deal - 27% said they were happier than they were 12 months ago. 73% said they were unhappier than they were 12 months ago.
In the group that had left their ILIASM deal - 91% said they were happier than they were 12 months ago. 9% said they were unhappier than they were 12 months ago.
In the broadest of terms, it indicates that your risk of being unhappier in 12 months time if you stay is reasonably high (like 73%) It also indicates that your risk of being unhappier in 12 months time if you leave is pretty slim (like 9%)
It needs to be noted that, should you choose the leave option, there will - short term - be a spike in your unhappiness level, probably worse than you've experienced during the course of your ILIASM deal.
Reminds me of the opinion of an unpopular motivational guru. Right now exactly ehat you have is what you want. No? Then why don't you chsnge it then? I know I am one of the mugwumps of the site, but you are right Baza, the short sharp shock turns out the most painless in the end
I like this analogy; it is a logical approach for handling ILIASM. I would like to suggest one more factor to take in consideration when making a decision, something that is often overlooked in decision-making: “Opportunity Cost”. The verbatim definition of Opportunity Cost: the loss of potential gain from other alternatives when one alternative is chosen. Can you put a price on the best forgone option? Can you put a price on the chosen option?
In your credit card example, how much profit could the $3,500 generate? What are the odds that $3,500 will yield $24,681 in 52 years?
A) You chose to pay off the debt right away, your opportunity cost is $3,500 PLUS the gain if you were to use the money in any. That means you do not have the $3,500 available to invest in other opportunities. That is it! You lost the opportunity to invest $3,500 in stocks or even cryptocurrency.
B) If you decide to pay the minimum amount and freeing up $3,320 of available funds to invest in whatever you fancy. Once again, $3,320 is all you have and this is once in a lifetime opportunity to make the investment, which by the way is a roll of dice. You could lose money in the investment and still have your credit card debt to pay.
Thanks for reviving this post, Lonelycat. I hadn't seen it.
Perhaps the 3500 already went to an investment. Say a technical school course to land a better paying job. Paying off the card over time will be pricey, but the new salary will more than make up for the interest payments once it is paid off.
Perhaps the 3500 was a medical bill and you have nothing to show for it but the good health you had before you went to the hospital.
Maybe the marriage is a motorcycle. You roll it off the lot, shiny and new and hit the streets on an adventure with wind in your hair. The two of you have the wide open road before you. You could go anywhere there's pavement, but you need to eat, you need shelter form the elements and sleeping under bridges may be a bit too much adventure for many folk. The adventures you go on with your motorcycle can be fun, but it takes a lot of time to go very far and can be hard on the wallet, so maybe the bike spends some time idle. Then it needs repairs. It uses more gas than you thought it would It's been a good motorcycle. It's fun, it even gets you places you need to be. Neighbors admire the bike and wish they had one that runs so well.
Then one day it doesn't kick start on the first try. How odd. Over time, it takes several tries to get the motorcycle going. Neighbors see you riding. The bike is freshly washed. You're looking good, but dang that kick start acting up is taking a lot of the fun out of the ride. You're getting a bit tired before you even head out. Sure, it's a classic, but people don't see the work you put into it every day.
You're thinking of trading it in when one day a sidecar just appears on teh damn thing. Holy crap! The resale on this just took a total nosedive! I didn't install this! Where'd it come from? And why is there a bill on my credit card? The dang thing seems welded on! Who did this? What has my life come to?
Perhaps depreciation is the model, rather than debt. Sunk costs being the situation. The 3500 is already gone. The investment (your marriage) has already been made and you expected to come out with more than you had going in (the sum being greater than the parts.) Maybe you still can. Or maybe it's not what you thought it was and unloading it quick to get what salvage out of it you can is the way to go. Some marriages are Harleys and Hondas. Some are TaoBaos. Before you do too many repairs, maybe you need to know what you've got. Maybe you know how to fix the stuff that breaks all the time. You're good at those. The parts are cheap, and face it, you love that old bike. It's a classic. Some folks spend lots of time in the garage not going anywhere with their bike, but just having it there, working on it in spare time is familiar and it's your life now and you're fine with that. It's your Zen of Motorcycle Repair.
Post by ironhamster on May 12, 2021 13:42:11 GMT -5
I completely understand credit cards, which is why I choose to not have one. I don't even have a credit score. Unfortunately, the fine points of human relationships aren't so straightforward as numbers, which is how I ended up here.
Can you be happy with someone that doesn't care about your happiness?
This is what this whole forum is fundamentally about. And it took me far too long to identify it. It’s not about the sexlessness, it’s about this.
Our spouses know that we want, need, long for intimacy, and it is in their, and only their gift to give it. But they choose not to because they do not care enough about our happiness.
Not enough to find a compromise, to acknowledge the legitimacy of what we wish for, often to even talk about it.
I am a reasonable person. If PIV was impossible for a legitimate reason and all avenues had been explored and exhausted, I’d be fine with it. Plenty of fun can be had without PIV with some willingness to please and imagination.
It’s all about not caring enough about our happiness and there’s just no escaping that fact. For me, I could hang on right up until that penny dropped. After I found here, and I realised the truth I was done.
Oh, and no credit cards here either. I work real hard for my money, and I like to keep hold of it.
Last Edit: May 12, 2021 14:44:18 GMT -5 by isthisit
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Apr 9, 2021 15:47:25 GMT -5