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Post by greatcoastal on May 17, 2016 18:09:34 GMT -5
We were both independent ,before marriage. Afterwards what was written went to the computer. Every receipt was collected and joint decisions were made. Fortunately money was not an issue. Then came children. With it came the decision to be a one income family.
Due to more and more bills being paid on line, investments made on line, budgeting needed less and less input from me. I should be very thankful to not have to deal with such a burden for all those years. And I am.
Until the excuse of we can't afford this, we can't afford that, started to come into play. Other funds came into play that were not in her full control. Compromise does not come easy with a controller.
The poop hit the paddle when I wanted to buy more than one rental house with my parents inheritance. Also with a big family trip back to China, and home improvements that were agreed upon over 5 yrs ago that get ignored and brushed aside.
taxes that I am never shown, and a budget that I have been waiting, 7 months to see.i never signed anything for our taxes this year.
An account with numbers I know nothing about. Once during our therapy my wife brought up the issue of cash. I informed her it goes to the kids, twenties just fly out of my hands, " dad, I need some money, for lunch, dinner, movies, this event, shoes, uniforms, team pictures,etc... She was upset because I could not account for $80.00 of spending over a three week period, but she went and spent $ 3000.00 over budget on her car. When confronted she claims, " that was from my bonus money." I no longer even bother to ask," isn't that our money" I already know the answer, " silence".
in the past few years more computers have entered our house, with six teenagers, there are all kinds of passwords, and different websites. It's a big stress factor for me, I am not a computer geek. It also means giving up control.
These are all things that help me see her problems as a controller, and mine for putting up with it! That is why iI share them, to help others who have similar issues.
Many, many problems in relationships revolve around finances, anyone else?
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Post by unmatched on May 17, 2016 18:23:58 GMT -5
We are the opposite. I take care of all the money, and she has no interest whatsoever, just a vague nagging feeling that we might not have enough based on nothing except her own upbringing (although that has got better over the last couple of years). I find it weird that she doesn't want to know how much money we have got and where it comes from and where it is all going.
I would think it must make it very hard for both of you to feel like you are mutually in control of your household and your destiny when you don't know how your money works. This is just my take, but I would personally insist on finding out and maybe sitting down together once a month and going through all your finances (including her private bonuses) and making sure you both know what is happening and you are both making decisions. Otherwise if she is somebody who is money focused (which she clearly is) she is likely to be losing respect for you every day.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 17, 2016 18:50:46 GMT -5
We are the opposite. I take care of all the money, and she has no interest whatsoever, just a vague nagging feeling that we might not have enough based on nothing except her own upbringing (although that has got better over the last couple of years). I find it weird that she doesn't want to know how much money we have got and where it comes from and where it is all going. I would think it must make it very hard for both of you to feel like you are mutually in control of your household and your destiny when you don't know how your money works. This is just my take, but I would personally insist on finding out and maybe sitting down together once a month and going through all your finances (including her private bonuses) and making sure you both know what is happening and you are both making decisions. Otherwise if she is somebody who is money focused (which she clearly is) she is likely to be losing respect for you every day. I always appreciate your feedback! Mutual control slowly changes hands. Especially with someone who is well versed with the computer. ( my wife designs them) that in itself was a huge crutch to give her the responsibility of budget. The trust is no longer their, when it comes to several things, budget is one of them. I am concerned that she can manipulate our budget, anyway she wishes,and show me what ever she wants me to see, and I will be none the wiser. Until an attorney gets involved and things get revealed! my spouse over-rides my decisions/boundaries like a tank. the loss of respect part happened long ago by me caving to her, thoughts, ideas, ways, habits, etc.. To keep the peace. ( kind of tired of feeling dishonored because I did what seemed right, selfless, and concerning for my wife) part of dealing with a manipulative controller. ( someone who thinks receiving acts of service is love) you will never do " good enough". |
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2016 19:15:29 GMT -5
greatcoastal, you didn't sign anything on the taxes? If you mean Federal taxes, and you two filed jointly, I think you *have* to.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 17, 2016 20:01:48 GMT -5
greatcoastal , you didn't sign anything on the taxes? If you mean Federal taxes, and you two filed jointly, I think you *have* to. Federal taxes filed jointly . Just another weapon in my arsenal, when the " D" day arrives. I asked her two months before the taxes were due " I want to see it, show me how, let me help you"... Need I tell you her response? i journal these things. one of the very rare times we were having a verbal argument, I vaguely remember telling her that I want to control our budget. Fire in her eyes, she said something like, " NO, I am not going to let you, that is not going to happen!" I tell her, " there you go, total control again, just like your mother!" I know that eats away at her. I got the killer look because we were in the school room and one or two of the kids are glued to their computer, head phones in, they don't care. But it's "the family" rarely "the marriage!" |
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Post by unmatched on May 17, 2016 21:30:57 GMT -5
one of the very rare times we were having a verbal argument, I vaguely remember telling her that I want to control our budget. Fire in her eyes, she said something like, " NO, I am not going to let you, that is not going to happen!" I tell her, " there you go, total control again, just like your mother!" I know that eats away at her. I got the killer look because we were in the school room and one or two of the kids are glued to their computer, head phones in, they don't care. But it's "the family" rarely "the marriage!" Did you ever try telling her the same thing, but not during an argument? |
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Post by petrushka on May 17, 2016 22:03:01 GMT -5
Sounds to me like you may need to hire a forensic accountant, Greatcoastal. If she has no problem blowing 3 grand over budget on a new car and quibbles over $80 that you gave the kids, then I'd start worrying about how much she has salted away in secret locations. Just my take. Sounds utterly self-centered, greedy and undisciplined to me.
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Post by JMX on May 17, 2016 22:13:48 GMT -5
Yeah. finances are hard in that we have NO money right now, but I don't have a willing partner to help. I would love a willing partner to help or someone able to just do it so I don't have to anymore.
It sounds to me that the crux of your issues is "control" (like you said). She has been doing it for so long, it would be hard to just hand it over to you to "control" (and I wouldn't have used that word in speaking with her about it - especially arguing with her about it).
I am not sure you will be able to gain the power you want and need in this relationship. It is so far gone in some respects, it will be hard to mark new territory. You do have ultimate say and dominion over the children - so maybe do as you have been doing and take it back in that area first?
The money situation - well, you'll have to find a good lawyer to track it all. The fact that you didn't sign the taxes is a HUGE red flag. She either signed your name or didn't do them. Get thee to an attorney and start now. IRS debt sucks. Who knows what she is doing with all the money if she cannot even go over it with you? Another HUGE red flag.
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Post by petrushka on May 17, 2016 22:20:20 GMT -5
It's really odd at my house. When my wife moved over here and moved in with me, she was as poor as a churchmouse, and she was used to living on a budget appropriate to that, and never over-spend.
It took me *years* to get it through to her that she _could_ go out and spend some money.
Initially she promised to take the bookwork and financial management away from me. I hate paperwork. After looking on for 30 seconds she decided that she could not tell the difference between credit and debit and hasn't wanted to have anything to do with money management for 18 years .... but ...
Still, she is so frugal and parsimonious, it's difficult some times. We just sold the ranch. We'll keep our house here for a little while, but I also want a base near where we're going to be building a new house - so I don't have to drive 2+ hours every time I decide that I want to hammer in a nail over there. Floating the
idea to rent a house over there and keeping this house at a peppercorn rent upset her, it really upset her. Oh, couldn't we camp on the floor of this or that person we know over there? Thanks, but no thanks.
Some times I have to get autocratic about spending some money. Yes, we're going to get this and I will pay for it, even if you're having kittens over the expense. It's not like I ever spend more money than I can comfortably spare. I am fiscally very conservative.
The way I like to describe it is: I only pay half price for whatever we buy, compared to most of our friends. I never spend money that I don't already have. I never pay interest on credit cards or overdrafts, whereas they live at the far end of the overdraft and don't pay off their credit cards every month. I'm totally transparent about finances with my wife. She always has access to how much money we have in the bank, how much I've paid in taxes every other month, etc etc.
Transparency is very very important in my opinion, and so is responsible spending. I KNOW that she is not going to bust the budget.
Completely different to my first wife, who distinguished between 'my money' and 'our money'. My money was 'our money' whereas every cent she made was 'my money'.
Not that she was an extravagant wastrel either, not at all. But it led to conflict. Somebody who talks like that makes it quite obvious, really, how committed they are and how they feel about you, even if they may not realize it themselves.
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Post by unmatched on May 17, 2016 22:36:43 GMT -5
petrushka bit of a sidetrack but congratulations on selling the ranch. Being closer to town will be great for you.
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Post by baza on May 18, 2016 0:53:53 GMT -5
Among the many responsibilities we have a adults, is the responsibility to know our financial position.
And, if you are in a partnership, what the financial status is of the partnership.
And, if you are in a relationship, what the financial status is too.
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If you do NOT know this information, then as a matter of some urgency, you had best undertake the necessary work to discover it.
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If your deal is solid, this won't present much of a problem as your spouse / partner whatever will be only too happy to co-operate in transparent fashion.
But, if you encounter resistance from your spouse / partner, then the warning klaxon horn is sounding, and you had best redouble your efforts to uncover the information, by any means necessary.
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Post by itsjustus on May 18, 2016 17:36:06 GMT -5
greatcoastal , you didn't sign anything on the taxes? If you mean Federal taxes, and you two filed jointly, I think you *have* to. . Just another weapon in my arsenal, when the " D" day arrives. I asked her two months before the taxes were due " I want to see it, show me how, let me help you"... Need I tell you her response? i journal these things.Oooo, greatcoastal , buddy, you got problems. SK is right, you have to sign them too if they are filed jointly. So....you've either got issues coming because it's mid-May now, or you have a signature forger on your hands. Niether of witch is a good thing...when "D" day arrives. Thank God you journal these things..... |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 18, 2016 20:10:51 GMT -5
Federal taxes filed jointly . Just another weapon in my arsenal, when the " D" day arrives. I asked her two months before the taxes were due " I want to see it, show me how, let me help you"... Need I tell you her response? i journal these things. Oooo, greatcoastal , buddy, you got problems. SK is right, you have to sign them too if they are filed jointly. So....you've either got issues coming because it's mid-May now, or you have a signature forger on your hands. Niether of witch is a good thing...when "D" day arrives. Thank God you journal these things..... I'm not just imagining this one. I was like a lion ready to pounce, wanting, waiting for this years tax forms. Waiting for the day before April 15 th. Expecting a simple, " I need you to sign these". So I could run up the street and make copies, and exert a little control, by telling her " I want to look at them first before I sign it". Deadline has come and gone, no signature ever happened. Who do you think takes care of all of her daddy's taxes.? They get done. |
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Post by DryCreek on May 18, 2016 20:50:09 GMT -5
Oooo, greatcoastal , buddy, you got problems. SK is right, you have to sign them too if they are filed jointly. So....you've either got issues coming because it's mid-May now, or you have a signature forger on your hands. Niether of witch is a good thing...when "D" day arrives. Thank God you journal these things..... I'm not just imagining this one. I was like a lion ready to pounce, wanting, waiting for this years tax forms. Waiting for the day before April 15 th. Expecting a simple, " I need you to sign these". So I could run up the street and make copies, and exert a little control, by telling her " I want to look at them first before I sign it". Deadline has come and gone, no signature ever happened. Who do you think takes care of all of her daddy's taxes.? They get done. If she filed online electronically, then no signature is required. Well, I think technically you are supposed to sign a summary and keep it in your records. I strongly suspect that she is trying to hide either her income, or investments. Regardless, she seems to be trying to keep you in the dark. As you are a "co-signatory", you're entitled to know both that taxes were filed, and the full detail therein, since you are legally on the hook for it. DC |
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Post by angryspartan on May 20, 2016 12:05:19 GMT -5
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