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Post by saarinista on Apr 13, 2018 0:33:09 GMT -5
james , I find it laughable that, given the circumstance you describe, you're willing to believe that your wife randomly happened into this obscure cafe to use the toilet while you happen to be there. *Of course* she was tracking you and following you. The relevant part of this to explore later is why you were so eager to swallow such an implausible excuse. And why she feels entitled to know where you are at all times. Neither one is healthy. OK. One of the reasons I will be relieved when my marriage is over is that I can start being a bit more honest with people than I have been. The idea of a marriage that my wife and I have been projecting to the world is dishonest.... Maintaining a dishonest "cover" is a lot of work. In retrospect, I think one reason I've been depressed for most of my marriage is that I've avoided (until the last year) telling ANYONE the truth-that I never should have married my husband. He's a nice guy, a decent man, but there was never a spark there. That's nothing against him or me. We can't marry everyone. There are lots of ways to have relationships with people. I hope my H and I will be lifelong friends-eventually, at least. Not everyone can be married successfully! Anyway, suppressing the truth is hard work, and it messes with our psyches. Let's hope the truth sets all of us free and brings joy or at least relief to our lives.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 13, 2018 12:30:43 GMT -5
Oh... Run a credit report too.
It's amazing what a spouse can ring up on credit cards in both of your names that you're on the hook for.
It's even more amazing than what they can ring up on credit cards in their name only that you're on the hook for. Of course you won't find out about THOSE until the legal process starts and they need to produce their credit report for you.
Everything up until the filing date (or later) is generally considered community property.
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Post by james on Apr 13, 2018 14:49:02 GMT -5
Jesus. I wish just for once my wife would go mad with a credit card. Even now. She is so controlled about everything, and that includes spending money. shamwow , a large credit card bill is really not something I need to be worrying about, believe me!
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Post by saarinista on Apr 13, 2018 18:30:00 GMT -5
Jesus. I wish just for once my wife would go mad with a credit card. Even now. She is so controlled about everything, and that includes spending money. shamwow , a large credit card bill is really not something I need to be worrying about, believe me! Are you SURE about that? Still waters run deep sometimes.......
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Post by shamwow on Apr 13, 2018 19:57:56 GMT -5
Jesus. I wish just for once my wife would go mad with a credit card. Even now. She is so controlled about everything, and that includes spending money. shamwow , a large credit card bill is really not something I need to be worrying about, believe me! Are you SURE about that? Still waters run deep sometimes....... Yup. Better to know than assume.
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Post by baza on Apr 13, 2018 22:19:57 GMT -5
This (below) is a sidebar, as the facts will reveal themselves in any event sooner or later.
But whereas you missus has expected all manner of transparency by you in the conduct of your deal, it does NOT appear that she holds her own conduct to the same standard. There may well be twists in the tale yet to be revealed. Assume nothing.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 17, 2018 15:42:56 GMT -5
Been kind of quiet the past few days, James. All good?
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Post by james on Apr 18, 2018 3:02:06 GMT -5
Thanks for checking in, shamwow . I'll provide a brief update. We told the kids on Saturday. Poor W made the announcement and then burst into tears. The older two looked shocked; the youngest also started crying. They had very few questions or comments. Eldest said she wanted to go for a walk on her own. Second one likewise. Off they went. Third stayed with us for group huddle. Then we decided that the only thing to do was to watch the first Shrek film again so we hunkered down on the sofas, me with the two boys, and W with eldest (girl). Turned out to be one of the nicest family evenings we've had in ages. No more tears, laughter at appropriate moments- heck, the kids even left their phones in their pockets and didn't do the second screen thing which we're always nagging them about. It really was lovely. Things have been ok since. Wife and I are being civil to each other. LIfe is going on pretty much as it was before. We are both checking in with the kids to see how they are coping. We have told close friends in our community. They have been incredibly sympathetic. I told my brother, who lives in the US, but we keep closely in touch. He didn't freak out but just listened and was sympathetic. God bless him. The only difficult bit at the moment is in the timing of things. I said in the original post on this thread that my wife had bounced me into the divorce somewhat by filing quite quickly. I asked and she told me that she had met a lawyer a couple of weeks before she filed, so not completely shooting from hip though not that far off it either. We had agreed a compromise with our counsellor whom we saw together just after W filed that we would tell the kids but not tell them a detailed timeframe initially- that would follow in due course. Now my wife is saying to me that the kids are 'confused' because we have dropped this bombshell on them and nothing seems to be happening. The thing is, I haven't had a chance to discuss any of this with my lawyer whom I last (and first) met in December. Moving out seems a big step to take without legal advice, so I'm trying to hold out. And surely, if the kids are confused, we just need to explain to them that it all will be happening, it just takes a bit of time to sort out. My eldest is virtually an adult, I think she should be able to understand that. So can the youngest. My W has quite an easy card to play in this. My father died last month. He was elderly and infirm, peaceful death, so I am ok with it. He lived about 10 mins drive away and his house is empty, while we sort out his estate. So it would be really easy for me to do that. I have some reservations about moving into my deceased father's home so quickly, but on the other hand it makes sense and is in many ways an ideal solution. So on balance I have no problem with it at all, on the contrary the timing feels fortunate. Maybe just a bit too fortunate for my W, I guess. By the way, I thought when this happened that I would be stricken with feelings of guilt, and that my anxiety and depression would return with a vengeance. But none of that has happened. I actually feel quite relieved, and, dare I say it, happy that the right thing is happening, and not just for me- for all concerned. My W says she is distraught, not sleeping, crying all the time. I am none of those things. Not sure how I come across in saying that. I really don't want to seem callous or uncaring, neither of those things is the case, and I am determined to look after my kids and my wife as well as I can. Thoughts?
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Post by baza on Apr 18, 2018 3:08:07 GMT -5
Don't do anything until you have fully briefed your lawyer Brother james . And, treat this as urgent.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 18, 2018 4:49:36 GMT -5
“Now my wife is saying to me that the kids are 'confused' because we have dropped this bombshell on them and nothing seems to be happening. The thing is, I haven't had a chance to discuss any of this with my lawyer whom I last (and first) met in December.”
Get in the phone and make an asap appointment with your lawyer or at least talk to them and he moving out advice. Move out without t it and you risk being considered to have abandoned your family.
If your wife is adamant, tell her that since she thinks someone should leave now, she could move into the empty house. Of course she won’t.
I doubt most marriages end like in the movies. People don’t announce a divorce then move out. There are lots of steps including figuring out a timeline, figuring out who gets what, who gets the kids , etc. it’s also more expensive maintaining 2 households even one just pays utilities of one home.
This is the reality to also share with your kids.
When you met with your lawyer what information did you get? Did you learn how long it would take to divorce? Property and debt division? Alimony? Costs of divorce? What happens to the kids (suppose, for instance some of the kids want to live with you? Does the court consider their desires)? Your answers could help others know what to find out when they have an exploratory appointment with a lawyer..
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Post by shamwow on Apr 18, 2018 6:22:36 GMT -5
Don't do anything until you have fully briefed your lawyer Brother james . Agree. Agree. Agree. Agree. James, it seems as though she is a step ahead of you this entire process. You need to catch up posteaste. I don't know how it is where you live, but in the US moving out has a wide variety of implications. Essentially it sets the status quo you and your ex will be living under. If you move out it signals that it is more important that the kids be with the kids (you "abandoned" them after all). Remember, you wife did the filing. She has talked with HER lawyer and has a PLAN. She knows you and how you respond to things. She spent years (decades?) manipulating you in your SM. Now she has professional assistance on how to squeeze you. Get into your lawyer immediately. Take a day off work if necessary. And for the love of God, do not take any action until you have at least as much professional assistance as she does. You seem like a smart guy. Us smart guys do some God awful stupid things when we think we can play lawyer.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 18, 2018 6:23:42 GMT -5
“Now my wife is saying to me that the kids are 'confused' because we have dropped this bombshell on them and nothing seems to be happening. The thing is, I haven't had a chance to discuss any of this with my lawyer whom I last (and first) met in December.” Get in the phone and make an asap appointment with your lawyer or at least talk to them and he moving out advice. Move out without t it and you risk being considered to have abandoned your family. If your wife is adamant, tell her that since she thinks someone should leave now, she could move into the empty house. Of course she won’t. I doubt most marriages end like in the movies. People don’t announce a divorce then move out. There are lots of steps including figuring out a timeline, figuring out who gets what, who gets the kids , etc. it’s also more expensive maintaining 2 households even one just pays utilities of one home. This is the reality to also share with your kids. When you met with your lawyer what information did you get? Did you learn how long it would take to divorce? Property and debt division? Alimony? Costs of divorce? What happens to the kids (suppose, for instance some of the kids want to live with you? Does the court consider their desires? Your answers could help others know what to find out when they have an exploratory appointment with a lawyers. Agree agree agree
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 18, 2018 6:31:10 GMT -5
“But none of that has happened. I actually feel quite relieved, and, dare I say it, happy that the right thing is happening, and not just for me- for all concerned. My W says she is distraught, not sleeping, crying all the time. I am none of those things. Not sure how I come across in saying that. I really don't want to seem callous or uncaring, neither of those things is the case, and I am determined to look after my kids and my wife as well as I can.”
I was relieved, too, when I divorced my h of 34 years. I was relieved because I knew the marriage had become soul sucking and we whas becomes irreparably incompatible. I was ready for the next stage of my life.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 18, 2018 6:39:02 GMT -5
“My W says she is distraught, not sleeping, crying all the time. I am none of those things. ”
Your wife needs to turn to her support system, not you to deal with her feelings. I suspect she is telling you as part of her plan to manipulate you into getting a settlement that is unfair to you. Be cordial to your wife as you do necessary talks on the divorce and domestic things. Do not allow yourself to be where she vents her emotional problems due to the divorce.
It would be wise to turn to your support system — here, a therapist (even though I had no angst over the divorce, I found it useful to discuss things with an unbiased party who could support me in taking care of my interests), friends, etc. Do not use your wife as your support system.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 18, 2018 8:15:50 GMT -5
“My W says she is distraught, not sleeping, crying all the time. I am none of those things. ” Your wife needs to turn to her support system, not you to deal with her feelings. I suspect she is telling you as part of her plan to manipulate you into getting a settlement that is unfair to you. Be cordial to your wife as you do necessary talks on the divorce and domestic things. Do not allow yourself to be where she vents her emotional problems due to the divorce. It would be wise to turn to your support system — here, a therapist (even though I had no angst over the divorce, I found it useful to discuss things with an unbiased party who could support me in taking care of my interests), friends, etc. Do not use your wife as your support system. As a man I foubd this to be one of the hardest things to deal with during my divorce. After a couple decades of an obligation to help and protect her, we were going our separate ways. She will make some bonehead decisions. So will you. But it is no longer you responsibility to protect her. In many ways the fact she filed on you should make that easier. Most decent guys want to protect their wives. This is good and natural. But when she filed she no longer is your wife. She is your soon to be ex wife. Channel that protective instinct to your kids. Don't ask them every day how they are doing. That gets old fast. Do with them what you did before. Don't over compensate. Keep things as "normal" as it was before.
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