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Post by DryCreek on Mar 9, 2018 18:48:00 GMT -5
@elle, congratulations - not for divorcing, but rather for following through with an agonizing decision and taking charge of your future, and that of your children through the example you'll lead. It's a gut-wrenching process that would certainly have been easier to avoid facing.
I particularly like that you were decisive in informing him, not asking for his permission. You gave him so much runway that he really has no excuse for not turning things around. It's sad, but predictable.
Notable but not surprising... this is ahead of your original timeline. I can't say I've seen anyone run the full course of their planned exit, but you've been more successful than just about anyone so far. It seems that some small trigger inevitably causes things to accelerate unexpectedly. I suppose it's because once the homework is done and you're mentally prepared, the big obstacles are gone.
Here's to hoping he cooperates with a peaceful process. Divorce will be a real test of his character.
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Post by saarinista on Mar 11, 2018 3:49:25 GMT -5
Hey @elle -I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you and your h. However, I believe you've thought things through and you're making the best decision for you. I feel for both you and your h, but who knows? Maybe you'll be able to be friends after the divorce. If not, at least you can move forward with your own life and finding the happiness and love you deserve. All the best to you.  |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 11, 2018 22:32:42 GMT -5
Hi everyone. Just wanted to update. For anyone contemplating divorce, I want to keep this REAL. I’m not going to sugarcoat my journey. Here goes.
With my nose pressed up against divorce, it is the ugliest, most painful, most depressing thing I’ve ever encountered. I have sobbed with grief akin to the death of a close friend or family member. It is so painful I’m not sure I can bear it. I feel like I’ve been through a lot in my life. I thought I had reserves of strength and discipline. But this? Wasn’t prepared. At all.
I guess the good thing about the tears is that my H asked me if I’m ok. And we’ve started talking, more than we have in years. We are discussing finances and kids and the future. We are making budgets and looking out for each other, with concern for where the other will live. I don’t want him in a flea bag apartment. He doesn’t want me to be house poor. All of these discussions are poignant and strangely amicable and calm. Friendly even.
And then, last night, he offered to take me out to dinner. (I had dropped the kids off for the night with friends just in case there was drama over the weekend.) We had a nice dinner and then H wanted to watch TV together and hold me. We watched Divorce on HBO, for extra irony. And it was the most comforting night we’ve had in ages. I fell asleep with my head on his chest. I felt safe. I even felt loved. In fact, I know he loves me, just not always in the way I want him to.
I’m going to keep going down this road. We’re going to figure out the finances and see how we would both land. We’re going to set the parenting agreement. I’m going to see that all the paperwork is done and ready for the final stage. In between though, I have no idea where the relationship will go. This is a real wake up call. For both of us. I didn’t do it for that reason though. I did it because I was done. I put the entire marriage on the line. I’m still willing to pay that price. But honestly? If my H can pull himself together and start making an effort? That’s my ideal outcome.
I’m learning that I still love my husband, very deeply in fact. More than that even, I love my family and I’m willing to do just about anything to keep it intact.
Stay tuned. No advice necessary. Support only please. This is my process. I just have to go through it. And if my journey can help anyone else, that’s even better.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Mar 11, 2018 23:43:07 GMT -5
*hugs*
Whatever road you take, be at peace with it.
And be gentle with yourself.
All the best.
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Post by DryCreek on Mar 12, 2018 0:21:22 GMT -5
@elle, it's nice that, just maybe, things haven't soured past the point of no return. Time will tell whether things will warm up with him emotionally. While you're open to the possibility, you're wise to stay the course in parallel.
I've known folks who went the whole distance and divorced, only to eventually remarry each other. Helluva reset, but maybe that what it takes. It's impressive and commendable that he's having calm, rational conversations. That's a serious accomplishment for anyone who just got slapped with a divorce.
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Post by WindSister on Mar 12, 2018 6:56:33 GMT -5
(((Hugs)))
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Post by shamwow on Mar 12, 2018 14:15:39 GMT -5
Hi everyone. Just wanted to update. For anyone contemplating divorce, I want to keep this REAL. I’m not going to sugarcoat my journey. Here goes. With my nose pressed up against divorce, it is the ugliest, most painful, most depressing thing I’ve ever encountered. I have sobbed with grief akin to the death of a close friend or family member. It is so painful I’m not sure I can bear it. I’ve been through a lot in my life. I have deep reserves of inner strength and discipline. But this? Wasn’t prepared. At all. I guess the good thing about the tears is that my H asked me if I’m ok. And we’ve started talking, more than we have in years. We are discussing finances and kids and the future. We are making budgets and looking out for each other, with concern for where the other will live. I don’t want him in a flea bag apartment. He doesn’t want me to be house poor. All of these discussions are poignant and strangely amicable and calm. Friendly even. And then, last night, he offered to take me out to dinner. (I had dropped the kids off for the night with friends just in case there was drama over the weekend.) We had a nice dinner and then H wanted to watch TV together and hold me. We watched Divorce on HBO, for extra irony. And it was the most comforting night we’ve had in ages. I fell asleep with my head on his chest. I felt safe. I even felt loved. In fact, I know he loves me, just not always in the way I want him to. I’m going to keep going down this road. We’re going to figure out the finances and see how we would both land. We’re going to set the parenting agreement. I’m going to see that all the paperwork is done and ready for the final stage. In between though, I have no idea where the relationship will go. This is a real wake up call. For both of us. I didn’t do it for that reason though. I did it because I was done. I put the entire marriage on the line. I’m still willing to pay that price. But honestly? If my H can pull himself together and start making an effort? That’s my ideal outcome. I’m learning that I still love my husband, very deeply in fact. More than that even, I love my family and I’m willing to do just about anything to keep it intact. Stay tuned. No advice necessary. Support only please. This is my process. I just have to go through it. And if my journey can help anyone else, that’s even better. I'm happy to hear that things are not going scorched earth. This IS the hardest thing you'll ever have to go through, but you have a whole group of folks here who are sending good thoughts your way. Like all things, it has a beginning, middle, and end. One way or another, it will end. Chin up. You got this. |
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Post by bballgirl on Mar 12, 2018 14:41:29 GMT -5
@elle
Your update brought tears to my eyes because I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. The night I announced the divorce my H and I were both crying it was extremely emotional. He and I never rebonded after that because I was past the point of return and there were a lot of extreme circumstances that only a divorce can fix. It took me a year and a half but I wanted back with my ex. We love each other. There is no right or wrong answer and each relationship is its own special snowflake. My advice will be to stay focused on yourself and figure out what you want for yourself. Hugs.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2018 19:53:28 GMT -5
@elle Your update brought tears to my eyes because I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. The night I announced the divorce my H and I were both crying it was extremely emotional. He and I never rebonded after that because I was past the point of return and there were a lot of extreme circumstances that only a divorce can fix. It took me a year and a half but I wanted back with my ex. We love each other. There is no right or wrong answer and each relationship is its own special snowflake. My advice will be to stay focused on yourself and figure out what you want for yourself. Hugs. This is great advice. Thank you BBG. I know I said no advice, but I’m happy you added some. This process is so hard. And that feels like such an understatement. H is away on business as of today, so I’m getting a chance to regroup and a taste of single parenting. So far so good. |
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Post by saarinista on Mar 15, 2018 22:27:02 GMT -5
Hang in there Elle and remember just stay focused on figuring out what you need to be happy. In the end, that's what you have to figure out. There's nothing selfish about that! I think the definition of a happy marriage is two people who make each other happy or can live happily together at least.
I mean in a way you have to make yourself happy, but you know some people can suck the happiness out of you. All the best to you.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2018 15:50:48 GMT -5
No judgment from me.....I know too well what it’s like to still love the person, even while you feel like they’re making you crazy.
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Post by merrygoround on Mar 19, 2018 4:07:39 GMT -5
Hugs @elle. It's a rollercoaster and some days will be just fine and the next (as I've had) one can be a crumpled, sobbing heap from the smallest of triggers. Just continue taking good care of you. You're a wonderfully warm, strong woman and you will find out what you're truly capable of from now on.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 19, 2018 12:39:28 GMT -5
Hugs @elle. It's a rollercoaster and some days will be just fine and the next (as I've had) one can be a crumpled, sobbing heap from the smallest of triggers. Just continue taking good care of you. You're a wonderfully warm, strong woman and you will find out what you're truly capable of from now on. Thank you for your thoughtful response merrygoround. It helps to hear this is the norm, this roller coaster of emotions. Ultimately I know I can’t stay in this relationship, but I will always love my H and hold a special place in my heart for him. Breaking up a marriage isn’t for the faint hearted. It’s possible I may hope to my dying day that H could’ve just learned to drink less and love me better. One day at a time over here. Thank you again for the kind words. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 22, 2018 5:56:08 GMT -5
I said this in another thread, but wanted to place it here so I don’t forget at least one of my motivations for leaving... And that brings me to the question, if it’s an outright lie, how do you communicate openly in order to solve the problems? Seems like if one spouse is open and honest and trying to fix things and the other is hiding and lying and throwing up roadblocks- that leaves little hope for successfully building a loving and supportive partnership. I remember having this discussion with my therapist a few years back. Essentially, she said it’s impossible to have an authentic and healthy relationship with someone who isn’t accountable for their actions and who consistently deflects and projects blame and refuses to come to the table earnestly and with a degree of humility that all partners must have in healthy relationships. My H is notorious for gaslighting, manipulating, lying by omission (or outright), and many other non-starters for a healthy marriage. Truth is, he’s emotionally and psychologically handicapped. I have a lot of compassion for him. I’ll always love him. He’s a good man in many ways. I just can’t do the unhealthy codependent dance anymore. I don’t even want to. There’s no growth and no hope in it - for either of us. A good friend recently shared this: when you’ve lost all psychological capital with your spouse, it’s time to go. In other words, if your spouse no longer respects, responds to, or can be inspired by you (assuming your intentions are good), what’s the point? In all honesty, I know I am not inspiring the best in my husband. Quite the opposite, I’ve enabled some very bad behaviors over the years. I taught him how to treat me over the years by staying. I honestly think I owed it to both of us and the paths of our respective souls to leave. Sad truth. I’m doing ok. Navigating the early days post-filing. Seeing hope in small slivers and, yes, crying sometimes too. I can’t see that I had a choice in this matter. I’m nearing the end of a 4 year exit plan (end point in July). And I was unhappy long before that. I didn’t get married to be alone and that’s what I’ve been in this relationship for almost 2 decades. I’m better off alone-alone than married-alone. At least then I can build friendships and relationships and do the things I enjoy without the oppressive weight of a bad relationship with someone who treats me like a burden. With someone who drinks too much and has an unpredictable temper. With someone who barely speaks to me for days on end sometimes. With someone who won’t touch me. Who doesn’t even seem to want to. I won’t even go into my motivations to keep his relationship with the children intact by buffering them from his temper. I’ll just say: no thank you. I wouldn’t let my best friend live like this. And now I’m my own best friend and I am getting out. Time to live my life. No more why chasing. No more wishing he’d change. He can’t and he won’t and that doesn’t work for me. So out of our 3 ILIASM options, I choose... LEAVE. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 22, 2018 6:07:51 GMT -5
Good for you, dear friend!!
"I'd rather live in an empty house, than with an empty spouse".
An empty house is anything but that! It's a clean pallet, a new beginning.
Continue to lean forward friend!☺
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