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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 10, 2017 19:27:14 GMT -5
mypaintbrushes, your story sounds a lot like mine. I have a wife who is schizo-affective and cannot work. Right now, she is coping with some serious physical health issues including cancer and open-heart surgery. Her health issues, both physical and mental, make divorce economically impossible right now. We also have a 14-year-old son, who is doing his best to cope with all of this. I wonder how your husband thinks he can prevent your child from accessing a computer. Limit yes, but not totally stop it. My son needs it for school and socialization. That is a windmill your Don Quixote should fight carefully. I am in a support group for family members of the mentally ill. It helps a lot, although some times the best thing I get from the group is that I don't have the problems another member has. The members go from emotional states of guilt, to resentment, then back to guilt. For parents, it's mostly guilt. For others, it's the resentment. For everyone, it is grief. It's like someone died, and the body is still there. You are welcome to message me if you want to talk more. I am so sorry to read of all the issues you're dealing with right now. That's a lot! I, selfishly, wish to escape if I can before he has a physical or mental health crisis. I would probably be an OK caregiver, but the resentment would make it harder than it has to be.
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Post by obobfla on Aug 10, 2017 20:45:10 GMT -5
mypaintbrushes , your story sounds a lot like mine. I have a wife who is schizo-affective and cannot work. Right now, she is coping with some serious physical health issues including cancer and open-heart surgery. Her health issues, both physical and mental, make divorce economically impossible right now. We also have a 14-year-old son, who is doing his best to cope with all of this. I wonder how your husband thinks he can prevent your child from accessing a computer. Limit yes, but not totally stop it. My son needs it for school and socialization. That is a windmill your Don Quixote should fight carefully. I am in a support group for family members of the mentally ill. It helps a lot, although some times the best thing I get from the group is that I don't have the problems another member has. The members go from emotional states of guilt, to resentment, then back to guilt. For parents, it's mostly guilt. For others, it's the resentment. For everyone, it is grief. It's like someone died, and the body is still there. You are welcome to message me if you want to talk more. I am so sorry to read of all the issues you're dealing with right now. That's a lot! I, selfishly, wish to escape if I can before he has a physical or mental health crisis. I would probably be an OK caregiver, but the resentment would make it harder than it has to be. It would be very difficult to stay with him. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 11, 2017 6:33:14 GMT -5
"That's a lot! I, selfishly, wish to escape if I can before he has a physical or mental health crisis. I would probably be an OK caregiver, but the resentment would make it harder than it has to be."
What was even scarier for me was what if i got seriously ill and my refuser was my caretaker? I did not want a he who had little empathy for me in that position. Before I decided to divorce, I had a cold every other week. In the 5 years since, I have had one. He has had cancer. I'm glad I was divorced by then so he wasn't my problem.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 11, 2017 20:41:46 GMT -5
"That's a lot! I, selfishly, wish to escape if I can before he has a physical or mental health crisis. I would probably be an OK caregiver, but the resentment would make it harder than it has to be." What was even scarier for me was what if i got seriously ill and my refuser was my caretaker? I did not want a he who had little empathy for me in that position. Before I decided to divorce, I had a cold every other week. In the 5 years since, I have had one. He has had cancer. I'm glad I was divorced by then so he wasn't my problem. Wow... very telling! You're healthier now, physically, emotionally, spiritually.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 14, 2017 19:00:39 GMT -5
" plan on doing whatever I can to avoid bankruptcy... I've heard of _The Secret_ but haven't read it. I'm currently on _The Power Hour_, by recommendation of my Beachbody upline coach (I am also a coach)."
I suggest going to a financial advisor. Your bank may have a free one. There also are free services at least in the US for people who are having major financial problems. Going to a financial advisor would be more practical than The Secret. Part of your problem is not adhering to wise spending guidelines in your marriage. If you're possibly facing bankrupcy and your husband doesn't really contribute financially, he didn't need a new car. And how was he able to get the loan approved since he doesn't really work. Did he forge your signature or did you cave into his demands that you sign for a loan?
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 16, 2017 15:03:20 GMT -5
" plan on doing whatever I can to avoid bankruptcy... I've heard of _The Secret_ but haven't read it. I'm currently on _The Power Hour_, by recommendation of my Beachbody upline coach (I am also a coach)." I suggest going to a financial advisor. Your bank may have a free one. There also are free services at least in the US for people who are having major financial problems. Going to a financial advisor would be more practical than The Secret. Part of your problem is not adhering to wise spending guidelines in your marriage. If you're possibly facing bankrupcy and your husband doesn't really contribute financially, he didn't need a new car. And how was he able to get the loan approved since he doesn't really work. Did he forge your signature or did you cave into his demands that you sign for a loan? He doesn't work; he just doesn't budget. Last Wednesday, the subject of budgeting came up. He reiterated his position of "We can't to spreadsheets! We have to sit in front of a financial planner, with open books, in person and it will take hours and hours!"
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 16, 2017 15:40:16 GMT -5
" plan on doing whatever I can to avoid bankruptcy... I've heard of _The Secret_ but haven't read it. I'm currently on _The Power Hour_, by recommendation of my Beachbody upline coach (I am also a coach)." I suggest going to a financial advisor. Your bank may have a free one. There also are free services at least in the US for people who are having major financial problems. Going to a financial advisor would be more practical than The Secret. Part of your problem is not adhering to wise spending guidelines in your marriage. If you're possibly facing bankrupcy and your husband doesn't really contribute financially, he didn't need a new car. And how was he able to get the loan approved since he doesn't really work. Did he forge your signature or did you cave into his demands that you sign for a loan? He doesn't work; he just doesn't budget. Last Wednesday, the subject of budgeting came up. He reiterated his position of "We can't to spreadsheets! We have to sit in front of a financial planner, with open books, in person and it will take hours and hours!" Being a simple man when it comes to finances, I take a simple approach when I read that. "Well "DUGH" of course it will, in the beginning. Then it gets simpler and easier as you learn it, get used to it and need to do less and less of it." Why is that so hard? His response sounds like more DARVO lots of avoidance and reversals.
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 16, 2017 16:12:00 GMT -5
He doesn't work; he just doesn't budget. Last Wednesday, the subject of budgeting came up. He reiterated his position of "We can't to spreadsheets! We have to sit in front of a financial planner, with open books, in person and it will take hours and hours!" serve.com - a prepaid credit card with a lot of bank-like features. Signup. Give him one. Fund the account to the amount he's allowed to spend. No overdraft protection. When he runs out of money enough times, he'll start to grasp the concept of budgeting. Or, more simply, the envelope method. Each envelope gets money for each bucket of spending. Grocery, dining, hobbies, etc. You don't dip into other envelopes when you run out. But to northstarmom's point... if he isn't earning, he's only getting a loan if you enable him. Don't enable him. That includes cutting off his credit cards. Debit cards only, on poorly-funded accounts with no overdraft protection.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Aug 16, 2017 18:08:59 GMT -5
He doesn't work; he just doesn't budget. Last Wednesday, the subject of budgeting came up. He reiterated his position of "We can't to spreadsheets! We have to sit in front of a financial planner, with open books, in person and it will take hours and hours!" Being a simple man when it comes to finances, I take a simple approach when I read that. "Well "DUGH" of course it will, in the beginning. Then it gets simpler and easier as you learn it, get used to it and need to do less and less of it." Why is that so hard? His response sounds like more DARVO lots of avoidance and reversals. I meant to say he DOES work. Stupid autocorrect. What is DARVO?
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 16, 2017 19:04:36 GMT -5
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Post by celibatejoe on Aug 16, 2017 19:32:25 GMT -5
I'm new here, and will probably encounter some hostility from many of you. I'll leave if you want.
I'm in a sexless marriage, so I thought I'd come here and read everyone's stories.
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Post by TMD on Aug 16, 2017 19:46:04 GMT -5
I'm new here, and will probably encounter some hostility from many of you. I'll leave if you want. I'm in a sexless marriage, so I thought I'd come here and read everyone's stories. Welcome. Why would we be hostile? I've been a part of this group since late 2012, and I have only ever experienced good, honest (sometimes direct and sometimes harsh) feedback. But if I don't like something that somebody says, I have a couple of options: 1. Ignore it, or 2. Reflect on why it bugs me (i.e. does it trigger something? Does it hurt because it's true, and/or 3. Find a way to respectfully respond with my perspective or question(s) seeking clarification. It helps to tell your story and read widely here. I hope you find your way around and are pleasantly surprised by the good people you will find here.
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Post by celibatejoe on Aug 16, 2017 19:49:30 GMT -5
Well, there's a lot of pain here. I can see that.
And I know my wife experiences some, too, even if there's nothing I can do about it.
Thanks for being kind.
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 16, 2017 22:28:11 GMT -5
I'm new here, and will probably encounter some hostility from many of you. I'll leave if you want. I'm in a sexless marriage, so I thought I'd come here and read everyone's stories. Hi, Joe. You're certainly welcome here. Don't be put off by the strong opinions. I'm going to take a guess from your comments that you're the low-libido spouse in your relationship. There is a ton of frustration here, and a bit of venom. A lot of it comes from one or more of these common factors: * Bait and switch, where sex is strong at the beginning and then gets turned off like a light switch, accompanied by the strong sense that it was fully premeditated. The rules of the game were changed unilaterally once the hook was set through marriage, children, or finances. * Denial of the facts. Refusing to acknowledge, discuss, or work on remediating the problem. Pretending that everything is great, despite being told repeatedly that it's not. * Indifference and hostility. Turning a deaf ear to a spouse who usually craves much more than just sex - usually a deeper, more intimate connection and the simple need to feel desired. In some cases the relationship becomes adversarial - sadly, over whether or not to be closer as a couple. The bottom line often emerges similar to "I don't feel loved / desired, and my spouse doesn't care enough to fix it". This leads to some pretty screwed up self-esteem issues, and for some people it really does feel like escape is a matter of life or death. Most of us have wasted years of our life in limbo trying to fix something our spouses have no intention of fixing. Generally speaking, the folks here aren't hostile against sexless marriages, as long as that's what a couple agrees on. But virtually everyone here has had the situation forced upon them unwillingly, which is where the anger stems from. So the question would be... how open and honest have you been with your wife? Rather than answer that here, I'd suggest you post a new thread in the Sexless Marriage Issues section, where more folks will see it and respond.
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Post by celibatejoe on Aug 16, 2017 23:34:01 GMT -5
I'm new here, and will probably encounter some hostility from many of you. I'll leave if you want. I'm in a sexless marriage, so I thought I'd come here and read everyone's stories. Hi, Joe. You're certainly welcome here. Don't be put off by the strong opinions. I'm going to take a guess from your comments that you're the low-libido spouse in your relationship. There is a ton of frustration here, and a bit of venom. A lot of it comes from one or more of these common factors: * Bait and switch, where sex is strong at the beginning and then gets turned off like a light switch, accompanied by the strong sense that it was fully premeditated. The rules of the game were changed unilaterally once the hook was set through marriage, children, or finances. * Denial of the facts. Refusing to acknowledge, discuss, or work on remediating the problem. Pretending that everything is great, despite being told repeatedly that it's not. * Indifference and hostility. Turning a deaf ear to a spouse who usually craves much more than just sex - usually a deeper, more intimate connection and the simple need to feel desired. In some cases the relationship becomes adversarial - sadly, over whether or not to be closer as a couple. The bottom line often emerges similar to "I don't feel loved / desired, and my spouse doesn't care enough to fix it". This leads to some pretty screwed up self-esteem issues, and for some people it really does feel like escape is a matter of life or death. Most of us have wasted years of our life in limbo trying to fix something our spouses have no intention of fixing. Generally speaking, the folks here aren't hostile against sexless marriages, as long as that's what a couple agrees on. But virtually everyone here has had the situation forced upon them unwillingly, which is where the anger stems from. So the question would be... how open and honest have you been with your wife? Rather than answer that here, I'd suggest you post a new thread in the Sexless Marriage Issues section, where more folks will see it and respond. None of this really applies to me. You'll find out more as I post in other threads. Thanks for the warm welcome.
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