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Post by Apocrypha on Feb 2, 2018 11:48:24 GMT -5
Dates involve external schedules and responsibilities. That's why we schedule those. Sex, when two people want it and live together under the same roof, and sleep in the same bed, is very easy to have between external responsilities. On your last point, I got tired of my wife gaslighting me by insisting she didn't say "no" or by having "good" reasons not to have sex. Being in the fog, I was unsure of myself, so I kept a calendar with an app. Because before/during/after her period was the most common excuse (effective for her, with me), I used an online fertility app with a calendar that I could write in, and made codes for every time I initiated sex, every time she did, every time she said yes (and relevant circumstances - during part of this we were in an open relationship), and every time she said no. I also made notes for any extremely good sex or harsh rebukes. I didn't change my rate of asking for sex to game the system, to my knowledge. I found a rejection rate of well over 30 to 1.. I found that close to 97% of my own sexual expression was masturbation, fantasizing about sex with my wife. I found that, for a time, the time she was most likely to say "yes" to me was shortly after she had already had sex with someone else, and gradually these times began to line up 1-1, until that too dropped to near zero again. I didn't bother showing any of this to her except when she lied to me about frequency again. I had been tracking for close to a year at that point. It was useful as a tool in preventing me from bullshitting myself about what was happening. I totally agree in terms of scheduling dates requires forward thinking to manage the logistics. My main point though is, just because it is scheduled or planned, doesn’t mean the event suffers through a lack of spontaneity. Interesting data you provided there. Maybe you should have initiated sex 30 times per day? Your data also supports a previous post I listed which was that once you have sex, you are more likely to want it again after. The longer you go without it, the more likelihood you are going to become comfortable with it. Not if you don't desire the person you are having sex with. It's really important to understand that people have a sex drive irrespective of them having a partner. Anyone who is unwillingly celibate has this proven to them every day, but that same thing is likely true of your partner as well. The rate of actual asexuality is very small. The rate of not finding one's intended monogamous partner desirable is very high. If you want to have it, and you live together, sex is very very easy to have. Consider the lengths people go to have sex when they want it. Cheating partners have sex with a potential high risk, or with partners who aren't right. People have sex with partners in high conflict relationships and with people they don't know. Teens have sex in the unlikeliest of places because opportunities for privacy are rare and they have to be creative. And they do it with frequency. People have sex when they are tired because they feel better. People have sex when they are sick because it makes them feel well cared for. People have sex to wake up and to help them sleep. If they want sex, they will have it. Just watch the Jerry Springer show for an example of the circumstances and results of people having sex they shouldn't have. People make the time. If sex isn't happening, it is almost certainly because it isn't being prioritized. If it isn't being prioritized, it's almost certainly because they don't desire it with their partner.
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Post by Apocrypha on Feb 2, 2018 12:05:06 GMT -5
Interesting data you provided there. Maybe you should have initiated sex 30 times per day? Your data also supports a previous post I listed which was that once you have sex, you are more likely to want it again after. The longer you go without it, the more likelihood you are going to become comfortable with it. While you are likely joking, I did track that. I found that on the few rare days we did have sex, I would often see this as a window in which my wife was receptive, and I would try to have sex multiple times (like, again the next morning, or immediately after). I discovered later (in a desperate fight about sex), that the opposite was actually true, and that she viewed my attempt at a second time as evidence that "I would never be sated, no matter how hard she tried" - a lot packaged in that sentence there. 1. she didn't want the sex. rather, she was trying to appease me. 2. She needed to muster the will to have sex with me 3. having sex two times was well beyond her capacity or intention to appease me. This, of course led to a pattern which further reinforced her intention to avoid any sex with me, and eventually any gesture of intimacy or touch that might lead me to thinking she might be receptive to me asking or trying to have sex. I also noticed that the frequency with which I asked vs which I didn't bother had NO RELATION to the outcome. The only thing that seemed to correlate, and only for a while, was whether she had recently had sex with her paramour. Period. At first I went with her hypothesis that this just "helped her feel sexual" and that my tolerance or support in that (while difficult for me), helped her feel that she was freely choosing to have sex with me rather than an obligation (her justifications were complex). Later, some specific behaviors led me to believe the more likely scenario - which was that she just felt guilty and appreciated having sex with a person she desired. What she did with me was, for a while, a worthwhile "fee" for having sex with a person who she actually desired. After a time, she moved the goalpost again and STILL argued about the lack of freedom and her sense of obligation in marriage to me - without a hint of self-reflection in what she was saying. People tend to swirl and fix on the least painful of explanations because the truth is honestly something neither partner wants to admit. So they focus on the circumstances of the sex, the frequency, the techniques, etc etc etc. But they don't fix on the suitability of the partner, or the idea that they don't desire sex with that partner. You can change all those other things, but in the end, as most people discover after a separation, or when someone cheats or takes a paramour in an open relationship - it really starts with how averse one is to the partner.
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appleaday
Junior Member
Posts: 95
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by appleaday on Feb 2, 2018 15:12:03 GMT -5
I tried scheduling dates and sex. It didn't work. My husband is incapable of having sex with me for whatever reason. He swears it's mental and not physical but doesn't care enough to work on it. We agreed to schedule and he found an excuse to cancel. He said "can't we just play a board game instead?" Uh, no! Not the same. But I didn't put the relationship on the line. It was more that we both recognized that we let life get in the way of our marriage and I thought we both wanted to fix it. I'm still weighing the options of stay and fight or leave. In the meantime I'm trying to clean up our finances so I can leave if it comes to it.
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 2, 2018 15:42:43 GMT -5
Scheduling sex dates work if you and your partner like sex with each other. My post sm partner and I do that with anticipation when our schedules are busy.
Scheduling sex doesn’t work with in SMs that end up here. Why? Same reason scheduling time doesn’t work for an optional activity you loathe doing.
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Post by ihadalove on Feb 2, 2018 16:22:36 GMT -5
Scheduling sex doesn’t work with in SMs that end up here. Why? Same reason scheduling time doesn’t work for an optional activity you loathe doing. I have a possible alternative to this. I've struggled with anxiety in the past, and it's often linked to going out and being social. The thing is, when I do so, I usually enjoy it. It's the anticipation that seems to do harm. So I understand how anticipation of sex can be a problem, even if it's the opposite for me personally.
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Post by Apocrypha on Feb 2, 2018 17:17:22 GMT -5
Scheduling sex doesn’t work with in SMs that end up here. Why? Same reason scheduling time doesn’t work for an optional activity you loathe doing. I have a possible alternative to this. I've struggled with anxiety in the past, and it's often linked to going out and being social. The thing is, when I do so, I usually enjoy it. It's the anticipation that seems to do harm. So I understand how anticipation of sex can be a problem, even if it's the opposite for me personally. I fell back to that alternative after a while. Then I realized that if the end result was still that my partner did not desire sex with me, it still amounted to me not being desired and the circuit being shorted before we even hit the sack. This reason still results in no sex, and no desire for it - with me. Then as a single, dating man, I discovered among many passionate lovers, and also among my ex-wife's stable of casual boyfriends, that this idea of being averse to sex is kind of a crock of shit. It's just more likely that they are averse to their partner in a romantically dysfunctional relationship, or trapped in a marriage they don't want to be in. The anticipation of sex was the problem because they didn't desire that person. Change the person and the circumstance, and that aversion disappears. When I realized the full scale of my prospects - that a literal stranger on the street stood a better chance of invoking desire in my partner than I did, I finally gave myself permission to let go. No matter how hard I tried with my partner, I could do no better than random chance.
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Post by rejected101 on Feb 2, 2018 17:29:07 GMT -5
I'm not interested in sex with someone I have to pressure to have it with me. I only want sex with someone that wants and desires me. I absolutely get this ^^^^ In an ideal world your partner will be grabbing you and pulling your knickers off just as much as you would be reaching into their jeans and unbuckling their belt. However, if we give responsive desire any credibility.... Arousal - desire - climax - resolution and if your partner was this way, would you stay or would you leave and seek the ideal scenario?
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 2, 2018 18:06:53 GMT -5
I'm not interested in sex with someone I have to pressure to have it with me. I only want sex with someone that wants and desires me. I absolutely get this ^^^^ In an ideal world your partner will be grabbing you and pulling your knickers off just as much as you would be reaching into their jeans and unbuckling their belt. However, if we give responsive desire any credibility.... Arousal - desire - climax - resolution and if your partner was this way, would you stay or would you leave and seek the ideal scenario? Yeah it's my bottom line in terms of sex. I left my H because he was not this way. I am back to living with H, he is my ex H, turns out I loved him after all. I still have fwb where sex with him is great but not as frequent as I'd like. So stay and cheat is my choice now. Everything in life comes at a price, I am just trying to maximize my happiness and for me that requires more than one man.
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Post by tiredoftears on Feb 2, 2018 18:25:46 GMT -5
I personally, don't care if my SO is passionate or not. I have a legitimate need to have sex. As long as he respects that and provides it for me, however that may be, I would be content. I would not care of he took a Viagra and just lie there till I got mine, as long as he was willing to put in at least that much effort. The problem is, he is not. So like I said, come the 12th, if he has no real answer and apology for why the sex stopped two years ago, I am finding a side piece on Craigslist. And since my sexual needs are SUPPOSED to be being met by him, (that is why I gave up sex work and my lifestyle to have a kid with him, right?) if it doesn't work out well on Craigslist, I am telling him it is HIS job to find me a lover. He is doing his job one way or another, or I will refuse to do mine, which I barely do anymore anyway by this point. And I used to do A LOT.
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Post by orangepeel on Feb 2, 2018 18:49:28 GMT -5
I don’t fancy it. It sounds like breaking a horse. And I don’t want to fuck a broken horse.
If you see what I mean.
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Post by tiredoftears on Feb 2, 2018 19:04:25 GMT -5
To each their own. What I know is, I have done PLENTY of searching around in my 20s. He and I get along. He is not the jealous type, and continued to try to court me while I was a sex worker amd living with him platonically for over two years. We match well in every other aspect, just not the sex. Sex is important to me, so I am going to get it. I have been too depressed for too long about not getting it. I know I will never leave him, but I am gonna get me some D!
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Post by tiredoftears on Feb 2, 2018 19:30:54 GMT -5
Sometimes the horse needs to be broken.
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Post by flyingsolo on Feb 2, 2018 20:04:40 GMT -5
I suggested scheduling a weekly rendezvous to my wife because we have three kids and busy schedules and everything gets in the way. She refused claiming I was forcing her to have sex by scheduling it. We have been in marital counseling for seven months since then and still no sex. I am putting the odds at 50/50 that we never have sex again but have vowed to stick it out awhile longer for my kids if nothing else. What I am going to do about that is the million dollar question. Stay for my kids and my financial future, go to find another shot at happiness with someone else and a fulfilling sex life I've always dreamed and fantasized about.......TBD
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Post by ihadalove on Feb 2, 2018 20:36:43 GMT -5
I am putting the odds at 50/50 that we never have sex again but have vowed to stick it out awhile longer for my kids if nothing else. What I am going to do about that is the million dollar question. Stay for my kids and my financial future, go to find another shot at happiness with someone else and a fulfilling sex life I've always dreamed and fantasized about.......TBD I don't have kids, so I might know nothing here, but I see people say stay for the kids and I wonder why. What good is it to show them a poor relationship growing up? Do people think they won't notice anything at all? They'll visit friends and see an entirely different dynamic and realize their home is not the same, at the very least. I thought staying for the kids went out decades ago.
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Post by manman on Feb 2, 2018 21:52:31 GMT -5
[Dare I ask: If you’ve found something that “works,” what brought you here, manman ? Just wanted to share simple method which works 100%. I would think 80% would end with regular sex and 20,% would divorce It might not work for woman but for men that's the only definite solution Most people quite pathetic here Oh I'm afraid my wife, oh it will never work, oh I,m afraid she will divorce me Oh, I will have to live in a basement rest of my life Oh I want intimacy and refuse to have sex without it
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